waterwoman Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 And it wasn't pretty. I got a call at lunchtime from H telling me that OW had spoken to him at work. Up till now they have avoided each other but today she said hello and asked how he was. He was polite and non-committal. She then told him that she had left her H (we had heard rumours about that) and would he like to come over for a drink. He said no and moved away. She then texted him to say that she had missed him and and now she was free they could hook up again. He texted back 'No'. I just got a very angry text from her. Basically calling me names and saying that the only reason he had ended the A was because he didn't want to lose his kids and his house. Playing to all my fears I was feeling so positive and looking forward to the weekend. I wish I was strong enough to deal with these littles hurdles but I'm not yet. I'll show it to H when I get home and I know he'll reassure me but ..oh lord... wish I was stronger.
Summer Breeze Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 And it wasn't pretty. I got a call at lunchtime from H telling me that OW had spoken to him at work. Up till now they have avoided each other but today she said hello and asked how he was. He was polite and non-committal. She then told him that she had left her H (we had heard rumours about that) and would he like to come over for a drink. He said no and moved away. She then texted him to say that she had missed him and and now she was free they could hook up again. He texted back 'No'. I just got a very angry text from her. Basically calling me names and saying that the only reason he had ended the A was because he didn't want to lose his kids and his house. Playing to all my fears I was feeling so positive and looking forward to the weekend. I wish I was strong enough to deal with these littles hurdles but I'm not yet. I'll show it to H when I get home and I know he'll reassure me but ..oh lord... wish I was stronger. I'm assuming that your H showed you the series of texts by now and you can see exactly how he answered them. Then you can see her reaction is like that of a toddler who didn't get her own way. The reason she lashed out is because she was shot down and pi$$ed off. Remember this--she said those things to you, and she played on your fears because he shot her down. Instead of looking at what she said, look at what he did. I hope you're feeling better and once you get past this hurdle you'll be just a little stronger still. 6
Spark1111 Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 OK WW....your H has to tell her unequivocally that he is committed to you and will no longer respond to her. He loves you has chosen you and no longer wises to hear from her ever again. Do not allow him to let her down oh so gently. I think more than a simple "no" is called for here. My H did that and she came back to reinitiate the affair over 2 years later! I guess those single guys were boring! Next time she texts, write the response together and send it. Make it a "LEAVE US ALONE." How dare she text you so meanly. Grow a backbone and go BOO! Together, scare her off. 1
mercy Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 And it wasn't pretty. I got a call at lunchtime from H telling me that OW had spoken to him at work. Up till now they have avoided each other but today she said hello and asked how he was. He was polite and non-committal. She then told him that she had left her H (we had heard rumours about that) and would he like to come over for a drink. He said no and moved away. She then texted him to say that she had missed him and and now she was free they could hook up again. He texted back 'No'. I just got a very angry text from her. Basically calling me names and saying that the only reason he had ended the A was because he didn't want to lose his kids and his house. Playing to all my fears I was feeling so positive and looking forward to the weekend. I wish I was strong enough to deal with these littles hurdles but I'm not yet. I'll show it to H when I get home and I know he'll reassure me but ..oh lord... wish I was stronger. Your h responding to her at all is a huge mistake. Why hasn't he blocked her number? For the obsessed it matters not what kind of response, as long as they get one. Bring on the drama. And just because she says something doesn't make it so. Your self worth is not wrapped up in what she thinks, feels or says. It's just not. Continue to feel positive continue to feel any way you want. Seek joy today. Forget about her, she matters not. If she did he'd be with her and he's not. He's right where he wants to be. It's about you and him, period. 5
ComingInHot Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 WW: Your dealing w/the same personality as my husband's exOW! It is COMPLETELY SUCKY!!! You are not the one at fault for them choosing to enter the affair yet here you are on the receiving end of all their sh$# & her extremely inappropriate and UNwarrwnted anger and behavior... I am absolutely seething for you right now!!! O.k.... I think I'm calm now ( I don't know where all that anger came from)... So, a final WRITTEN or EMAIL typed communication should be sent to this... person, stating in CLEAR undeniable ( use small words) statements that there is to be NO further contact between OW & FWH AND OW & You. Any attempts will be taken seriously and given to an attorney as harassment to obtain an RO. Holy Mother Of All that is Good I am SO Sorry!!! 1
Spark1111 Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 Forget the polite and non-commital! Like the OW in my sitch, she projected he returned for the kids, blah, blah, blah, and fantasized that he must be pining away for her. It is time for out in the open rejection. Block, ignore, ignore and ignore AFTER you both tell her to stop all contact now! Together be a united team. 3
scatterd Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 I would not allow her to make you feel bad about your relationship . She does not like the fact she was turned down it hurt her so she wanted you to hurt. I am glad your husband is being honest about her calling. It shows he cares and wants your trust back. Hang in there things will continue to improve. Big Hugs 1
PhoenixRise Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 Waterwoman I think one of the most important things you are going to learn on this journey is that you do not let the OW in your situation define your reality. You don't let the OW in your situation define the "truths" of your marriage. It is not in her interest for her to believe your husband wants to be with you for you. Your husband rejected her and she doesn't want you to feel good about that. But at the end of the day, screwing your husband didn't give her some all knowing wisdom about you. Engaging in an affair didn't magically endow her with super keen perception that lets her accurately make judgements about your value or the reasons your husband chose to reconcile with you. It is never going to be in her interest to see your marriage in a good light. Never. 8
AnotherRound Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 You don't have to allow her to communicate with you or your H at all. I have this same exact type of person right now trying to force her way into my life. You get to say who is in your life and who isn't. Tell her to stop communicating with you, or let her escalate it on her own. But, set your boundaries clearly and firmly - that IS your right. People can't just go through life tantruming their way into other people's lives against the other person's wishes. I hope that she gets the message clearly and soon - if your H is not seeing her, or has not went underground with her, and has been clear with her that he does not want a relationship of any kind with her, then she needs to sulk off and lick her wounds and leave you be!
underwater2010 Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 You are plenty strong. Tell the b**** to back the f off and get a clue. "My husband said no. I am sorry you blew up your marriage, but we are working on ours. If you continue to harrase my husband it will be brought to the attention HR." Sign off A loving and devoted wife.
Author waterwoman Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 Thanks everyone. Much better today. I saw the text and H's reply. If she doesn't see that as final she must be very dim. Anyway, he told me she was talking so much bullsh*t and there are no doubts in his mind he isn't interested. He went very quiet when he read the text she sent me - just hugged me tight and said sorry again and again. Funnily enough I suspect it might do me a favour - showing her less pleasant side will make it easier for him to stop caring about her. He wrote me a NC letter for her a few weeks back - he'd told her it already but I hadn't heard the conversation. I kept asking him to write one but he put it off and off - when he finally wrote it it was too late to send. But now he has agreed to send it. With a bit more at the end about never contacting me either. We left the kids at home today and went off to have lunch and buy underwear (for me!) So good to spend time together alone. Haven't done it for years and they are old enough to be left for a short time. But I am left with a nasty taste. I feel like a fool, a sucker. I have spent the first 47 years thinking that people were good and largely kind - never had to deal with the sort of nastiness that others talk about. Stupid sordid melodrama! I liked her, I sympathised with her, I loved H and trusted him implicitly. What an idiot!
Spark1111 Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 Thanks everyone. Much better today. I saw the text and H's reply. If she doesn't see that as final she must be very dim. Anyway, he told me she was talking so much bullsh*t and there are no doubts in his mind he isn't interested. He went very quiet when he read the text she sent me - just hugged me tight and said sorry again and again. Funnily enough I suspect it might do me a favour - showing her less pleasant side will make it easier for him to stop caring about her. He wrote me a NC letter for her a few weeks back - he'd told her it already but I hadn't heard the conversation. I kept asking him to write one but he put it off and off - when he finally wrote it it was too late to send. But now he has agreed to send it. With a bit more at the end about never contacting me either. We left the kids at home today and went off to have lunch and buy underwear (for me!) So good to spend time together alone. Haven't done it for years and they are old enough to be left for a short time. But I am left with a nasty taste. I feel like a fool, a sucker. I have spent the first 47 years thinking that people were good and largely kind - never had to deal with the sort of nastiness that others talk about. Stupid sordid melodrama! I liked her, I sympathised with her, I loved H and trusted him implicitly. What an idiot! I know is feeling! I trusted he had ended it and it was over and done. I too thought she must be a decent person and I left her alone. Big mistake on my part. He let her down sooooo gently, she emerged again, and with his support, I called her directly at work until she stopped dodging me. What killed her? I absolutely knew everything about their relationship, her divorce, her feelings about her xH and her most recent conversation. I kept using the pronoun "we" as in "we" do no wish you any harm, and we do not care who you date and we really really need you to stop finding reasons to call and text or stop by is office as you have NO busines with him or us anymore. She was stunned he confided anything to me! She was convinced he returned because had to. She was mean and angry and contemptuous and the shocked and then hysterical. But WW, it worked, and I think now she would run away from me if we ever in the same geographic location. So I am all for NC letters, but some OW convince themselves that the MAP was forced by the BS to write them. Good luck with that I prefer a well-placed phone call that let's them know that I am NOT the little wifey, but that's me. 1
woinlove Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 Thanks everyone. Much better today. I saw the text and H's reply. If she doesn't see that as final she must be very dim. Anyway, he told me she was talking so much bullsh*t and there are no doubts in his mind he isn't interested. He went very quiet when he read the text she sent me - just hugged me tight and said sorry again and again. Funnily enough I suspect it might do me a favour - showing her less pleasant side will make it easier for him to stop caring about her. He wrote me a NC letter for her a few weeks back - he'd told her it already but I hadn't heard the conversation. I kept asking him to write one but he put it off and off - when he finally wrote it it was too late to send. But now he has agreed to send it. With a bit more at the end about never contacting me either. We left the kids at home today and went off to have lunch and buy underwear (for me!) So good to spend time together alone. Haven't done it for years and they are old enough to be left for a short time. But I am left with a nasty taste. I feel like a fool, a sucker. I have spent the first 47 years thinking that people were good and largely kind - never had to deal with the sort of nastiness that others talk about. Stupid sordid melodrama! I liked her, I sympathised with her, I loved H and trusted him implicitly. What an idiot! You are not an idiot or fool for trusting. You seem to have had many years with your H where he earned your trust and it sounds like he is trying to earn it again, but that can take a long time. I hope it all works out for you. 2
AnotherRound Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 Thanks everyone. Much better today. I saw the text and H's reply. If she doesn't see that as final she must be very dim. Anyway, he told me she was talking so much bullsh*t and there are no doubts in his mind he isn't interested. He went very quiet when he read the text she sent me - just hugged me tight and said sorry again and again. Funnily enough I suspect it might do me a favour - showing her less pleasant side will make it easier for him to stop caring about her. He wrote me a NC letter for her a few weeks back - he'd told her it already but I hadn't heard the conversation. I kept asking him to write one but he put it off and off - when he finally wrote it it was too late to send. But now he has agreed to send it. With a bit more at the end about never contacting me either. We left the kids at home today and went off to have lunch and buy underwear (for me!) So good to spend time together alone. Haven't done it for years and they are old enough to be left for a short time. But I am left with a nasty taste. I feel like a fool, a sucker. I have spent the first 47 years thinking that people were good and largely kind - never had to deal with the sort of nastiness that others talk about. Stupid sordid melodrama! I liked her, I sympathised with her, I loved H and trusted him implicitly. What an idiot! Not an idiot at all... it's good that your belief that all people are good was not shattered at a young age! That means life has been somewhat gentle to you, don't curse that! She does sound dim - as some people are purposely obtuse when they don't want to admit that a relationship is over. I'm glad he is sending the NC letter - although it does make me wonder if it will be justification in her mind to continue contact or contact again. I would keep a copy of it, register it - as then you have proof that you and your H have asked her to stop contacting you, so if she continues, I'd think it would be harassment - and legally punishable. Good luck - and I agree with above that you can't let her define your worth. She sounds fairly dim (as you said) and unable to grasp that someone just doesn't want to be with her - she is obviously deluded. Her opinion of you should mean less than nothing, imo.
mercy Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 We left the kids at home today and went off to have lunch and buy underwear (for me!) ooooh panty shopping! This post is worthless without pictures!!! :lmao: 7
BetrayedH Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 WW, If I remember correctly, your H still felt some love for the OW. If that's the case, this event is a sad but true victory for you. I would see any remaining love for his OW as your biggest obstacle to R so I think you have to be glad this happened. That said, I encourage you to read and reread Spark's posts until you do exactly as she suggested. Stick it to this woman and do it together. 1
beenburned Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 My D's XH's OW turned into a bunny boiler when she finally realized he did not want a divorce.(and that he had an OOW all along) She had great plans to be his new wife and have children with him! In her rage at all of them, they had to obtain a RO against her before she stopped! In the end, it didn't matter what he wanted, as they ALL dumped him when they all found out the truth of how he had manipulated ALL of them! WW, Totally ignore her and block her from all of your/H's phones! If this doesn't work eventually you might be forced to take stronger actions! Remember, her comments to you personally are AIMED to hurt you!!(and are probably all lies made up by her anger) Let it all go and focus entirely on your H and marriage!!! Nothing gets their goat worse than seeing you and H happy/reconciling again!! I love buying pretty panties! Describe them for us! Did you get the matching bras? Go girl!! Get your mojo back!!
BetrayedH Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 By the way, this "idiot" business has got to go. Your H took vows of fidelity and more and I suspect he did it in front of an official, God, your families and your best friends. You were supposed to trust him. He was supposed to protect you and should have been the last person on Earth to betray you. You weren't an idiot; he was. All of them are a bunch of freakin' selfish cowards and idiots. They're lucky we even consider staying. Jackholes. Even worse that they bring these other idiots into our lives, too. 2
Author waterwoman Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 LOL at the interrogation about my undies. FWIW it wasn't just knickers - the whole works including a basque and black stockings. Well you did ask..... No I am not posting a photo. just-a-poster - we have blocked her now. Didin't before because I didn't think of it. Not been here before. betrayedh - yes he was still in love with her which was causing me difficulties. I felt in a false position - it's not nice to feel as if you are the obstacle 'standing in the way of true love' inspite of H's endless assurances that he was with me because he wanted to be. But I think he has realised that what he is feeling isn't love as such, nothing like the feelings he has for me, and this last little escapade of hers has helped to administer another little blow to the feeling anyway. Silly girl. I no longer feel much sympathy for her - her situation is all of her own making after all. spark - you are spot on. I have let their feelings dominate my feelings too long already. I have her number, I will call her if I need to, in H's presence. Thankyou all for your comments and advice. LS is a pretty brilliant place.
Recommended Posts