chrisusarmy2005 Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Im getting out of the house,dating as much as I can and playing music now after the break I had when we first broke up and I can't help thinking about my ex. We've been broken up for 8 Mos now, I should be over this. I don't understand whats going on with me. Then I over think too much. Im a loving,caring guy, gave her everything I had and she was my world. Sometimes I can't help just thinking to myself what did I do wrong? I was doing find, this new guy is older and he seems really cool. I even sucked it up and introduced myself to him to let him know Im here. She still comes to me about her problems and I am still her shoulder to cry on. I still hope it works out. As mean as it sounds, I hope she gets hurt. Its just one of those things. How can I cope with this. Im dating and trying to get out there. I just feel behind and a little lost. I care way to much, I don't like being played with. Im a great guy and would do anything and everything for this girl. Im not understanding why she dosn't see this. I gave everything to her and I still help her out if she needs. Its a crappy situation and working my way out but, im just wondering when it fell off and she just wants to be friends. Im lost and confused and don't know what to do. I have confidence and of course I think about her time to time. If she comes back and I hope she does. I really love this girl and its hard to let go.
moveONorStay Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 It sounds like she has moved on and this is making it even harder for you to deal with. It's a difficult one. My suggestion would be to continue dating...law of averages says you'll find someone else!
Mike_d Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 give this a look No More Mr. Nice Guy | A Plan for Love, Sex, Dating & Career 1
Author chrisusarmy2005 Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 I should be over this girl by now, but im not. I still love her, I don't know why but I still love her. Shes beautiful,smart,great sense of humor. I really want her back, I really and truly love her. I've never felt this way before about a girl. It sucks, I don't like the single life. I miss coming home to her,cuddling up with her and talking about her day.
KatZee Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 I should be over this girl by now, but im not. I still love her, I don't know why but I still love her. Shes beautiful,smart,great sense of humor. I really want her back, I really and truly love her. I've never felt this way before about a girl. It sucks, I don't like the single life. I miss coming home to her,cuddling up with her and talking about her day. .... you SHOULD be over her but it seems you're doing everything in your power not to move on. Sure, you're dating. You're playing music. But you're not truly trying to move on. The girl is still in your life. You still allow her to come over to tell you her problems, you're allowing yourself to hear all about the new guy and what's going on with them, you introduce yourself to her boyfriend "to show you're still there." It looks kind of sad that you're doing these things, and it's probably blatantly obvious you're just waiting around for them to breakup, if they ever do at all. She's with someone new, and you're the emotional crutch. She's not coming back to you. She's enjoying life with her boyfriend and using you as the support system. The caring best guy friend. You're only prolonging your own torture here and THIS is why you're not moving on.
Author chrisusarmy2005 Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 It really is torture, the best friend aspect isn't the greatest. Im doing my hardest and im not the type to say no I don't want to hear this. Im a good friend and a great listener. I'm moving on its just really hard. Im not going to go NC. I don't want her completely out of my life.
stillafool Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 If you ever want a chance back with her you had better stop being her 'shoulder to lean on' now. You are allowing her to 'friendzone' you and with us women once you hit that place it's hard to think of you as anything else. You have to move on and let her get support or lack of with her new man. Right now she doesn't miss you because she has you and her new bf. Missing you is key to wanting you back. You need to dissappear and not have time for her. Let her wonder.
geegirl Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 It really is torture, the best friend aspect isn't the greatest. Im doing my hardest and im not the type to say no I don't want to hear this. Im a good friend and a great listener. I'm moving on its just really hard. Im not going to go NC. I don't want her completely out of my life. This is the problem with dumpees. There is no "friendship" dynamic after a break-up. It's unrealistic and irrational to believe that just because you had it during the relationship, you can compartmentalize and retain that aspect of your relationship. People pull the "friend" card because it's a coward's way of staying in the dumper's sight. And they do this because they are too afraid to let go. It has nothing to do with being a good listener or good friend. An excuse to keep your foot in the door. Your denial button. You're too much of a pleaser in wanting to prioritize her needs before yours because you need her to value you and want you for what a great guy you are. That's all it is. BS with the good listener/good friend route when you care so little for yourself that you will allow this to corrode at your emotional health. You said: "I care way to much, I don't like being played with. Im a great guy and would do anything and everything for this girl. Im not understanding why she dosn't see this. I gave everything to her and I still help her out if she needs." You are at her service because you want to remind her that you exist and all the "wonderfulness" of you. It's your way of sticking your foot in the door so you're not forgotten. "Hey, remember me. See how wonderful I am. Please why won't you want me." You care way too much? Did you forget to care about you or do you like inflicting pain on yourself? You're a great guy but there is a difference between being a great guy and a doormat. You would do anything and everything. But does she appreciate and want that? No. So stop trying to be that guy that just won't let go because he has to be smack dab infront of her to keep reminding her as to how great he is. She either knows it and wants it or knows it and doesn't care for it. Moving on? There is no moving on from this when you keep reigniting your hurt and pain everytime you make contact. It's one step forward, three steps back. 8 months now and still on a cycle. Look forward to spending another 8 months reliving this hell. She doesn't see you as anything more but just a crutch. The only way that she may ever realize the value of you or feel the loss of you, is when she cannot find you. And if you are this great guy, she'll realize that if she wants it and will come back to you. There is no need to coax, remind, entice or manipulate someone to want you. 1
Author chrisusarmy2005 Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 Whole world has now been shattered, she has a new boyfriend. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be used.
geegirl Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Whole world has now been shattered, she has a new boyfriend. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be used. If you don't want to be used then step out. The only one perpetuating this is you. It's a choice. If you are choosing to be a "friend", you'd be a friend without feeling used, but if you are being a friend with motive, then make the choice and go no contact. YOUR actions are the only thing making you feel used. NC is painful but it's much more rewarding than this endless cycle of self-torture.
Author chrisusarmy2005 Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 This sucks, this guy is 42, she left me for him! I don't get it.
geegirl Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 This sucks, this guy is 42, she left me for him! I don't get it. What don't you get? His age has nothing to do with it. Maybe she finds compatibilty with him. Age has no bearing. You are not in the relationship with him so stop trying to figure out the whys and hows. Work with the facts you have been presented with in that she has moved on. You have to cut the cord, as painful as it is. We've all been through it before and it cuts like hell. But what is the alternative? There isn't one. All you can do is feel the pain and find acceptance. It's been 8 months and nothing has changed. At some point, you have to come to terms with it.
Author chrisusarmy2005 Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 I don't get I give 4 years of my life to this girl,give her everything she wants,love her unconditionally. Fell in love with the person I thought I knew,moved states for this girl. She meant everything to me. 4 years is just too long to throw things away. Its just a bad way. I don't like the feeling.
KatZee Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 It really is torture, the best friend aspect isn't the greatest. Im doing my hardest and im not the type to say no I don't want to hear this. Im a good friend and a great listener. I'm moving on its just really hard. Im not going to go NC. I don't want her completely out of my life. And honestly, this is why you will never move on. You love the girl. You will accept any scraps she tosses at you just so you can be "in her life" in some capacity. Why? Probably so she doesn't "forget about you" or "so she sees what an amazing person you are." And any and all other excuses you're giving to yourself to justify doing what you're doing. She's not a friend. You're in love with her. You want her back. You want to be with her romantically. This is not a friendship. This is unrequited love. This is you sitting in the background with sad puppy dog eyes hoping she'll throw you a bone one day. You're wasting your time. You're hurting yourself. You're allowing her to continue taking whatever she wishes from you while screwing her boyfriend right after. When you realize you deserve some freaking respect, is the day you will cut this crap out and start to heal.
Author chrisusarmy2005 Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 I do deserve respect. I was improving over the past few months and things were going well until not this weekend but the weekend before. Then today they made it official she is in a relationship. So that just brought me way back down and it really feels like going through the same thing all over again.
KatZee Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 I do deserve respect. I was improving over the past few months and things were going well until not this weekend but the weekend before. Then today they made it official she is in a relationship. So that just brought me way back down and it really feels like going through the same thing all over again. So just ponder over this one. If you were completely NC with her. As in, you do not talk to her, text her, email her, follow her on facebook/twitter/instagram... Do you think you'd even know about this new guy or that she was with someone else? If you were out with your own friends, improving your own life, focusing on yourself, meeting new people... do you think you'd care a fraction as much about her and what she's doing as you do now? That's the problem with dumpees who haven't yet learned the hard way. I did the same thing you're doing with one of my exes. I didn't know about this NC thing people did years ago. I thought if I just went away that he'd forget all about me. That he'd meet someone else. So I continued having a "friendship" with him. That turned into a FWB situation and all it did was prevent me from moving on. I held on for YEARS. That messed me up so bad on a mental and emotional level. I held out the hope and the dreams FOR YEARS. You can see that you remaining in her life literally had no impact on you or the "relationship" you thought you'd get back. She's been out living her life. Meeting new guys, and is now in a relationship with that guy DESPITE you hanging around. It's actually proven that dumpers move on faster, and easier if the ex is still in the picture. You've actually alleviated a lot of the guilt she may have had for leaving you. She gets to check in every so often, see how you're doing, be a "friend" all while doing the single girl thing. It's a win/win for her. You need to realize this.
Author chrisusarmy2005 Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 Crying,frustrated,torn at work trying to make it through its really tough.
frederickkk Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 hang in there mate. ive just breached an official warning, and sent another email now. You can't help how you feel. You have two options. Strict NC or fight for it. Ive been fighting the whole way. Don't worry about society and its norms, fight for what you believe in, until the end.
frederickkk Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 put it this way, if i found it there is somebody else, i will burn everything we ever had.
KatZee Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 hang in there mate. ive just breached an official warning, and sent another email now. You can't help how you feel. You have two options. Strict NC or fight for it. Ive been fighting the whole way. Don't worry about society and its norms, fight for what you believe in, until the end. ?? You sent an email to your ex, received a warning and sent ANOTHER one? No, you can't help how you feel, but you MOST CERTAINLY can help your actions. You can't "fight" for someone that wants nothing to do with you, and the "warnings" from your ex should be a clear sign that you need to stop. My ex acted like you and continued to "fight." Fight for WHAT I always asked? There was nothing to fight FOR. both people need to feel that love, BOTH people need to want to fight for it. I was done, and his "efforts" just became obnoxious and borderline was harassment. I finally had to really go off on him to make him stop. You can't force someone to love you, want to be with you, or get back with you. Your efforts are futile and you're making things MUCH worse. If my ex hadn't have done what he did, we'd probably be friends at this point. Instead I had to cut him entirely out.
colombiana28 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 i am a woman, and i have been the dumper in each of my relationships. you MUST understand that your behavior is very, very unattractive. you're NOT going to get ANYWHERE by staying in her life. trust me on this. the only time i EVER had second thoughts about an ex is when they completely ignored me. learn human behavior. staying in her life is making her lose respect for you by the minute. women respond to mystery. you may be the greatest guy in the world but you're basically desperately telling her that you can't do any better than her. which is a HUGE turnoff.
frederickkk Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 i couldnt really care whether its a turn on or turn off. end of the day, she will regret it in the long run. shes 19, too immature to realise what a break up is, and will miss me if i go strict NC. but im not one for games, messing around, time. im the most impatient man alive.
geegirl Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 hang in there mate. ive just breached an official warning, and sent another email now. You can't help how you feel. You have two options. Strict NC or fight for it. Ive been fighting the whole way. Don't worry about society and its norms, fight for what you believe in, until the end. Fight for someone that wants to fight for the same things you do. You are in some serious denial or you're just emotionally and mentally unstable. You really need help. A woman finds it highly unattractive when a man is dependent and crippled by his emotions, especially when he chases and shows desperation. It doesn't entice a woman. It just makes her run the other way. 1
geegirl Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 i couldnt really care whether its a turn on or turn off. end of the day, she will regret it in the long run. shes 19, too immature to realise what a break up is, and will miss me if i go strict NC. but im not one for games, messing around, time. im the most impatient man alive. She's 19 and immature. Look at your actions. A woman wants to bang other guys and you're fighting for that? Where is your emotional intelligence, maturity and strengths?
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