JustALittleBit Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 I think I am in the process of moving on. I look back and I just can't believe I stayed with him - it wasn't horrible or anything, nothing extreme, but it was so unsatisfying with zero real intimacy. I actually feel embarrassed now because I think he made it so clear, I feel like by staying with him I must have seemed so desperate for him to like me... which I think I was. He must have picked up on that. And it sucks because I think back to the beginning and it was like a snippet of what could have been. How passionate he was... how he actually wanted me. Now I think about how soon the kissing pretty much stopped, I can hardly remember ever "making out" with him, but when we first did I could tell he was keen on it... so I either just sucked, in which case I could have got better, or he just didn't like me... I know the last one is true, but I think I now have hangups about the first one too I'm so glad I'm out of it. And it just makes me think there is no way I could go back because I'm just too embarrassed by it all. (He hasn't asked to get back together so it's really a non-issue). And I'm just embarrassed anyway that I let him in... and wondering if I did just suck. I'm embarrassed because I'm normally fairly confident, and he saw the less than confident side of me. But it only became that way because I was picking up on his issues, I just hate how I became... it wasn't even that bad, but me wishing someone really liked me and I'm in a relationship with them? That's so... just pathetic. I can't believe I gave him that control... the whole relationship brought out a lot of things, and I think I thought if he liked me it meant I was ok, like the external validation. Which is probably something I need to deal with because I know it will come up again but I'm not going to therapy or anything. I don't know... anyone relate? I do feel that by going NC I have regained a lot of the strength I had before. It feels much better just being me and not wanting this person to validate me. I really hope the only reason I got to insecure though was because of him holding back, because if that's just me normally then I guess I have work to do.
TopCat22 Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 You don't know that any of these issues were yours. They could well be his. Maybe he had a problem with intimacy in general. it's easy to blame yourself for these things, but it's never usually the case that things are so one-sided. Give yourself a break and know it's your own feelings about yourself that matter. That old cliche about loving yourself before anyone else can love you... kinda true.
River Rain Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Gosh, I went through the same thing. I felt desperate in my last relationship, and I'm not a desperate person at all. I felt like I lost control completely. And yes, after I felt humiliated and embarrassed too. I think it's important that we always learn from our mistakes. Like now, I'm in the process of getting to know a guy and I'm being very careful not to ignore red flags or to get too attached until I'm certain that he's very serious about me. I have more confidence. I don't have the insecurities I had while I was with the ex. And yes, the nc gave me my power back, that's for sure. Keep empowering yourself and don't assume you'll be insecure in your next experience...be confident! "Love like you've never been hurt before". 1
Author JustALittleBit Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 Hmm maybe you guys are right... I especially like yours RiverRain. Maybe it was just mostly in reaction to him. I think I will definitely hold back in my next relationship and assess him before going for it... might ask some leading questions to see what he thinks about things and really get to know him. I think the last guy, because we hit it off and he was good at first I trusted him... also because I chose to trust him. But I did it too soon, because if I had of taken my time and I guess been more sensible I would have realised he wasn't ready and stepped back. But yes it is weird. Makes me wonder if we just totally weren't right for each other or if it was poor timing. Or a bit of both. I know I shouldn't think of the future and should just focus on the present, but I often think if he wanted to give it another shot there would just be too much stuff there now to deal with. I doubt I could go back into the same relationship and be less insecure, because the memories would always be there. Which is a pity, because it COULD have been good. Anyway that's all just hypotheticals... I guess I just want to justify to myself all the reasons why I shouldn't go back there so I can have a greater level of certainty about it and feel comfortable looking for someone new.
suladas Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 I can relate, it hurts but whatever the sooner you just stop caring about it the better. I'm still not there yet, but i'm getting closer. Looking back now it's clear my ex didn't treat me as well as I treated her, and I put up with a lot more then I should have. I gave excuses for her behavior because of what her ex did to her, and what was going on in her life. But in the end, she did it, not anyone else. It's just odd because she was a good person, but struggled sometimes between that and being cold. In the end once you've moved on none of it matters though. 1
bonespockirk Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 yep i feel the same way. i actually feel ashamed for letting this person into my life knowing what i know now. he was never into me... yet i still want him. i would never call him again or let him know because i realize how wrong i was about him. he just wanted to **** other girls and not to really even date me... i love him enough to give him that freedom of never knowing how much i care about him. i will let it just be that im some girl he dated for a while that doesnt really care anymore because thats all he wanted anyways. for me to be some girl. **** my life man. i just pray to god that i will like another guy soon or something. i just dont want someone who doesnt care about me to hurt me anymore. but yeah i know how you feel... about being embarrassed.... it makes you feel weak to love someone that does not love you back. but trust me, when you find the right person you wont feel like a fool. i keep telling myself that... if he was the one, i would never have to go through life feeling embarrassed to love him and be his ex.
River Rain Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 Hmm maybe you guys are right... I especially like yours RiverRain. Maybe it was just mostly in reaction to him. I think I will definitely hold back in my next relationship and assess him before going for it... might ask some leading questions to see what he thinks about things and really get to know him. I think the last guy, because we hit it off and he was good at first I trusted him... also because I chose to trust him. But I did it too soon, because if I had of taken my time and I guess been more sensible I would have realised he wasn't ready and stepped back. But yes it is weird. Makes me wonder if we just totally weren't right for each other or if it was poor timing. Or a bit of both. I know I shouldn't think of the future and should just focus on the present, but I often think if he wanted to give it another shot there would just be too much stuff there now to deal with. I doubt I could go back into the same relationship and be less insecure, because the memories would always be there. Which is a pity, because it COULD have been good. Anyway that's all just hypotheticals... I guess I just want to justify to myself all the reasons why I shouldn't go back there so I can have a greater level of certainty about it and feel comfortable looking for someone new. You've described my last relationship. I called it a "whirl wind" romance because it went so fast, was so intense and we seemed completely right for each other. And it's good to justify why you shouldn't go back, that's empowering. Whenever I start to linger and think about all of the what-could-have-been's with the ex, I go to the list I wrote out of all his bad points, all the lies he told me and the length of time he ignored me etc...that puts things back into perspective for me. It encourages me to find a new guy and it also reminds me to take it slow. I think you have the right attitude. It's good to talk things out! It does help you to move on!
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