Antai Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Me and my boyfriend live together and are happy and compatible when it comes to everything but this: housechores. I work full time and so does he, but i'm the one in charge of planning meals, cooking them, cleaning, doing the dishes and feeding the cats. Not a big deal to most people? but i want a partner who not only helps out but acctually feels that he is responsible for cleaning his home, and not everytime we're in the grocories store looks to me and ask "so, what are we buying?" I talked to him several times about this, sometimes he jokes it off, sometimes he admits to being lazy and says he'll try to contribute more but nothing ever changes.. I tried to back off, I left the dishes where they were, i did as little as possible and it resultet in an empty fridge, a full, stinking sink and a home where you could hardly see the floor,clothes, plates everywhere etc. He just has a higher threshold for these things and he knows it. I mean he could skip both lunch and dinner for a day and be totally cool with it while i turn into a monster if my bloodsuger is low. i simply do not know what to do. He's a good man and i love him but i don't know how to get through to him on this? It's important to me. Help?
WhatYouWantToHear Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 2 options: leave him or learn to live with it. Not saying he's not a jerk, just saying you can't change people on lifestyle matters.
CarrieT Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Antai, have you flat-out negotiated? Your passive/aggressive approach to just leaving dirty dishes is an obvious failure and is not good relationship/communication skills. You buy and cook the meals and he clean them up. Seems an easy compromise. But you have to talk about it and come to an agreement. Say, "You know this has been frustrating for me and why don't we try this for a while: I'll be responsible for buying and preparing the food and you clean up after our meals together so we are both are contributing." 2
Solcita2 Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 Hi! This is my very first post with my new ID, I used to be just "Solcita" a few years ago. I'm currently living with my boyfriend, we've been living together for more than two years. Girl, I understand you a 100%. The difference between your situation and mine is that he does all the cooking, but only because he's too picky with food. The rest was on me: from shopping, dishes, cats, laundry, etc... but he is more and more cooperative lately. Either way, I think the best option is to talk... negotiate: you do the cooking, he does the dishes. If he doesn't do the dishes, you don't cook until he does, etc... BUT... what it did work for us was hire help. Once a week we had a girl coming over, who did the biggest cleaning for us, so we only had to make the bed each day (which of course we didn't) and the dishes... mostly by me. But we just fired her this week because she kept breaking stuff... he said "we together" would clean up the house on Sunday... we'll see how that goes. When I told him he wouldn't get up to do it, he reacted offended, like I always expect the worst from him... but... come on... I wonder you two arrive home at the same time and while you clean up and cook, etc... what is he doing?
xxoo Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 When it is time to prepare dinner, ask: "would you prefer to do dinner or dishes tonight?"
TiredFamilyGuy Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 (edited) "you can't change people on lifestyle matters." said a poster above. That's .... not true. Here's a true one though - "No consequences equals no reason to change" I like the "honey - cook or clean, your choice" arrangements proposed above. But you will have to stick to it, and talk, to get him to grow up. Don't let him avoid it. Don't let him try to play the rules by just heating up something in the microwave and calling it cooking: give him a pot noodle the next night if that's all he does. Let him know it's important to you not to be his mother. I also like the idea of paying for a cleaner - with his money, as he hates to do the tidying. No need to nag - just present his options, he has choices. Just sitting on the couch is not one of them. One thing though: if they are your own cats not both of yours, then they are your responsibility not his. If you chose them together, then fine, their care is in the pot with everything else. I will say, please ignore Just-a-poster's anti-male bull****, gender-haters of both kinds get on the board and just create noise. Edited October 13, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy 1
standtall Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 Antai..you cannot force him to change. You can only change with the way you deal with him, which maychange the way he acts. I would suggest less talk and more action to get his attention, since your conversations with him are going nowhere. Don't make dinner, don't go shopping, just feed yourself, do your own laundry, pick up after yourself only, etc..Then when he notices, deal with him then.Tell him that his lack of helping is a deal breaker..that if it continues, this issues will get in the way of further progress in your relationship...and mean it, or be prepared to be his maid forever...the choice is yours. just a poster...what's up with the man hate? Your post sounds completely irrational..the OP needs some positive suggestions, not that tirade. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 He just has a higher threshold for these things and he knows it. I mean he could skip both lunch and dinner for a day and be totally cool with it while i turn into a monster if my bloodsuger is low. i simply do not know what to do. He's a good man and i love him but i don't know how to get through to him on this? It's important to me. Help? Were you two to meet in the middle on this issue, half the burden to change attitudes would fall on you too. One person's "clean enough" is another's "too messy" and most of your post relates to your specific needs regarding cleanliness and meals. It's not his job to manage your blood sugar and his approach (skipping meals) is just as right for him as yours (eat at specific times) is for you. As you said, it's important to "me". Having said all that, do you see marriage and kids in your future with him ? if so, certainly the potential for much anger and resentment over these very issues... Mr. Lucky
angie2443 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 2 options: leave him or learn to live with it. Not saying he's not a jerk, just saying you can't change people on lifestyle matters. I would pay close attention to this. Sometimes people do change, but, in my opinion, this is rare. You can talk to him, use some of the suggestions offered here, and if that doesn't work, maybe find someone else. I do not think, by the way, that your issue is little. Having someone do the dirty work (dishes, etc.) with you makes it a more pleasent task- doing the work all by yourself can make you feel low.
skywriter Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Antai, I've always looked at the fact that my now, exH, changed my oil, did other maintenance on our vehicles. He mowed the lawn. We did other yard work as a team, but the mowing was always done by him. He climbed on the roof and repaired leaks. He did alot of things that I never took for granted actually. So if you consider it this way, are there things that he doesn't expect you to have to do? It didnt bother me to cook, clean and grocery shop when I considered all the things that he did and never expected me to take care of.
2sunny Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 You're not married, yes? This is placed in the marriage section - hmmm. Since you're assumed to be not married - why not move and be on your own? Let HIM make EFFORT to DATE you - court you - and show EFFORT whether or not he values the R enough to give his best to being with you...
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