Tree_Salmon Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 I was the dumper in this case...but now feeling a bit rejected...it's definitely a control thing. I think being ignorant and not meeting someone you supposedly loved is really horrible and perhaps even emotionally abusive. The more you deal with people the more you realize that most are starved for some kind of power over others. For most of the relationship I had the power because I was confident and honest but that changes when people break up. I guess, to them, leaving in an angry, immature, seemingly emotionless way is their tactic for gaining some sort of upper hand. Even the rebounds that follow are a result of this. But it'll only catch up to them in the future. 1
Jingle14 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 The more you deal with people the more you realize that most are starved for some kind of power over others. For most of the relationship I had the power because I was confident and honest but that changes when people break up. I guess, to them, leaving in an angry, immature, seemingly emotionless way is their tactic for gaining some sort of upper hand. Even the rebounds that follow are a result of this. But it'll only catch up to them in the future. Well lets hope so...!!
Jingle14 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 @ Jingle: We seem to be overlooking the fact that the OP is the dumper, not the dumpee. If you dump someone, you need to be prepared for the possibility that he/she will let you and that he/she will just be done with you. As the dumper you don't get a say in whether the other party should want contact with you. It's selfish, inconsiderate and immature. If you've hurt someone you should at least have the decency to walk away and respect his/her wish not to have contact with you. I'm dealing with the same thing on a certain level right now. I don't have remorse but I am saddened by the situation. I bailed, he let me, and that's that. Sure, I want to know whether he's okay and yes, I do care about him and yes, I would like an amicable relationship now but I walked and if he doesn't want me around, that's that. You can't toy with people. But I don't want him - the dumper, in my case - not to have contact me, or to disappear off the face of the earth. It's really hurtful, especially when he lives around the corner from me. Not saying I expect him to be in weekly contact but a text on my birthday or an occasional 'hello' would be nice.
Tree_Salmon Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 I totally understand that, but he's just not going to. We're not talking about a broken-hearted dumpee here. In this equation, someone acted impulsively, made what they now believe is a mistake, and is having trouble accepting the consequences of his actions. Remember, the post here had to do with the dumper expecting the dumpee to want contact. She just doesn't and he should accept and respect that because once you take the step of telling someone you don't want to be with them, you should respect her right to distance herself from you. Pushing someone you've rejected to resume contact with you is flat out mean-spirited. Personally, on the few occasions in my life when someone has told me to hit the bricks... that's just exactly what I did, and I didn't look back. One of the people who did that came back several weeks later, but ultimately the whole things went to hell anyway because he was an a**hat. The problem is some people don't have the balls to even ask you to "hit the bricks" because they are cowards.
Author moveONorStay Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 How is the situation clear?!! Your situation sounds pretty similar to mine! A break pretty much is a break up. Just a cowardly way of saying it.
robaday Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Its tough really is. I would love to talk with her now, I would love to see her and see how shes going with things, to be there for her through lifes problems. But shes made it clear she wants nothing to do with me, and while that stings, I have to respect her wishes. Its been a really really dificult month of letting go. 30 days NC. Maybe she will reach out to me one day. I instigated the break up, because she seemed so unhappy and had been acting erratically - I was madly in love,but it was clear that she wasnt really responding or didnt seem to respect me anymore. So instigated it, and now shes completely cut me out. I dont know if she thinks of me, or has actually thought about what led me to do this. If there had been a sign that she actually wanted it, I wouldnt have instigated the breakup, but her reaction tells me she wanted out but couldnt quite go through with it.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 How is the situation clear?!! Your situation sounds pretty similar to mine! A break pretty much is a break up. Just a cowardly way of saying it. Dude, you broke it off with her. She doesn't owe you a thing. Sorry, just the way it is. 1
Sarahbee Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Dumper's remorse, par for the course! I think the best advice here is to remember why you broke it off. These things aren't usually done on a whim! It's all too easy to look back and ask yourself why you didn't just have the talk rather than break it off, but in reality, if the other person really wanted to be with you, they would have argued about it during the break up. I went through that analysis of my break up, I broke it off with my bf because he's taken a job overseas for a year and I don't want an ldr, but actually when I broke up with him I didn't even mention that. It was all about his distancing himself from me emotionally, probably so that he could move overseas without too much withdrawal pain. He didn't argue with me and tell me I was wrong about feeling that he wasn't into me enough, so I can only draw from that that I was right, no matter how much it hurts and no matter how much I regret breaking up and not trying to fix it. I suspect that the outcome would have been the same in the end anyway. I think it's normal to regret causing a situation that is going to be painful - dumpers hurt too, sometimes even more because as mentioned here, sometimes it seems like you have no choice if the other person is treating you with disrespect. Just ask yourself whether the relationship was enhancing your life and making it better. If it wasn't, which I suspect is the case if you broke it off, then hold out for someone who makes you happy. I've come to realise that if there's too much angst, anxiety, worry and stress in a relationship, then you're better off out of it no matter how much you think you can't live without that person. Love should be easy I reckon
thembones Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 but in reality, if the other person really wanted to be with you, they would have argued about it during the break up. I think it's normal to regret causing a situation that is going to be painful - dumpers hurt too What if you did argue during the breakup? What if you told the dumper that you had to fight for the relationship, because you knew it was so right? What if you quit because it was just too hard? Do you really think that changes the remorse at all? Dumpers hurt too? It is not the same a being a dumpee.
Sarahbee Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Well I guess it depends on the situation. In my case, I felt that I had no other choice because he wasn't treating how I wanted to be treated. When I told him that, he didn't tell me I was wrong. I had to break it off for my own peace of mind and self respect - i couldn't let him do that to me and I told him that. To me that was a better option than waiting for him to go overseas and end up in an ldr that I didn't want. But I still hurt and grieved the loss of him, because I didn't want that outcome. Breaking up is hard to do, no matter who does the breaking up.
Author moveONorStay Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 (edited) @monicaelise I agree that it seems fairly different and yes, my situation is even more straight forward which makes it even more frustrating that this person is being so stubborn. I wish you the best, mental illness is very difficult to deal with. Please, do not feel guilt at breaking up with someone that has difficulties. It's noble to stay and help but ultimately you need to be happy Edited October 16, 2012 by moveONorStay
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