moveONorStay Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 I broke up with my ex a month ago and since then I've had remorse. I've tried to reach out and make an attempt to make peace but she has said she isn't interested...Now I feel even worse than when I dumped her. How do you get over dumper's remorse?
Liz2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 ditto, blue jay. My advice is to work on you, improve yourself then get back out there in her visual field and try again. 1
a.b Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 You have to understand that she is feeling low, and maybe angry at you. She's most likely been advised you would be nice to relieve your own guilt (this thread proves that) and wants to heal her self. You contacting her is not making that easy for her.
Author moveONorStay Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 We move in different circles so chances of bumping into her are slim. I know it's really an ego/pride thing because she couldn't believe I broke up with her. She even since said she didn't want to break up but now no longer wants any kind of contact. Sad thing is, I'd do anything to work things out...I haven't seen her since the day I broke it off but we've spoken on the phone a couple of times and she said she has no interest in getting back together or ever seeing me again
a.b Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 We move in different circles so chances of bumping into her are slim. I know it's really an ego/pride thing because she couldn't believe I broke up with her. She even since said she didn't want to break up but now no longer wants any kind of contact. Sad thing is, I'd do anything to work things out...I haven't seen her since the day I broke it off but we've spoken on the phone a couple of times and she said she has no interest in getting back together or ever seeing me again Well you dumped her, it is her choice. Give her space. She needs time, you can't expect to break up with someone and just be friends like that.
Author moveONorStay Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 You know, it's entirely possible she didn't really want the relationship anymore either. Lots of us stay in things just out of habit and are hurt when someone else ends things for us, but realize very quickly we didn't want the relationship we were in once it's over. I suspect a few of us may even push the other party, either directly or indirectly, to end things for us when we want out. I'm definitely guilty of having done this a couple times over the years. Yes, it's a totally crap thing to do but sometimes you just don't feel like being the bad guy when it's no longer working for you. Just try to keep in mind why you left in the first place. Something prompted you to end it. If those things are still an issue, you've got no reason to feel remorseful. Great points here... in the last conversation on the phone she said she didn't want the break up though, so its all pretty confusing as in the same conversation she says she doesn't want anything further to do with me! I'd never thought about it before but she definitely sounded hurt during our conversations. It's only been a month though and I'm getting better at dealing with the fact it's unlikely I'll see her again. If only she knew what I'd be prepared to do just to have a chance, we without doubt had the spark and I know we can work it out.
Author moveONorStay Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 I don't know if this was a stupid thing to do or not, but the other day I sent her a voucher for something she had been saying for ages that she really wanted to do. Thoughts?
lvixen Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Chances are she's extremely angry with you right now for dumping her, but I agree with the other poster who said that it's possible she wanted out of the relationship. Some people also tend to move on quicker than others, which may also be the case with your ex girlfriend. I don't know her personally, so I'm not sure how she's feeling. However, you need to give her space right now, and just go NC. The ball is in her court now. Stop contacting her, do not send her anymore vouchers, etc,. If she still loves you she'll contact you, if not then you have your answer. But STOP contacting her!
Author moveONorStay Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 Can someone be completely over someone in a couple of weeks? I sent the voucher with no intentions other than I saw it and thought of her...I was just trying to be nice.
Author moveONorStay Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 You are right, I am torturing myself. I suppose I just hate the fact that I know we can work it out but she doesn't even want to talk about it never mind trying
Author moveONorStay Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 I know, that's the hard part...I think I messed up as well in that I didn't give it any settling period. there's been contact of some kind every week...some without reply and some with response but resistance. I think I pressed the issue too much and it maybe made me look indecisive and desperate. I'm not going to reach out any more now. She definitely seems angry with me and I'm sure contacting her is only making it worse.
robaday Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 I kinda had the same thing. Girl I was seeing said she was confused and having doubts. I tried to call her and she ignored it. So when she got back in touch, asking if it was over (2 weeks later) I tried to instigate a break up. She got really really angry with me and I still to this day dont know why (I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us) After arguing for 3 days and her begging to meet, I decided ok, lets give this a go, so I told her what I needed to make it work, and she just criticised me. I then went round to try and talk and return her things and she slammed the door in my face. Since then shes blocked me on everything, and told me to never contact her again. I have absolutely no idea what happened. I was trying to do the right thing!!!
NoMoreJerks Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 I broke up with my ex a month ago and since then I've had remorse. I've tried to reach out and make an attempt to make peace but she has said she isn't interested...Now I feel even worse than when I dumped her. How do you get over dumper's remorse? Well, I can give you my opinion from a dumpee's perspective.. My ex wanted to get back wtih me after dumping me, after I initiated a week of NC. He texted me, and I ignored it, then he called me, and I picked up the call... I *think* he had dumper's remorse (for a little while anyway). I wasn't sure what to think -- if he was just playing games, or if he was really feeling remorse. For the dumpee, there is no sure way of knowing, and so, many if not most would prefer not to take the risk, to protect themselves. I know that I made a mistake by giving him a second chance. He ended up giving me the same ****ty treatment he always had, and I decided to go NC again, without telling him anything.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 You are right, I am torturing myself. I suppose I just hate the fact that I know we can work it out but she doesn't even want to talk about it never mind trying If you could have worked it out, why didn't you try to work it out instead of going straight to dumping her?
Author moveONorStay Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 If you could have worked it out, why didn't you try to work it out instead of going straight to dumping her? I acted rashly after about a week of really unacceptable behavior from her. There was emotional blackmail which she thought was completely justified. The whole situation is now a mess
Simon Phoenix Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 I acted rashly after about a week of really unacceptable behavior from her. There was emotional blackmail which she thought was completely justified. The whole situation is now a mess I'm guessing it's not as fixable as you think it is and I'm guessing that you were pretty justified in dumping her. I've read your situation on here and quite frankly, I think you did yourself a favor.
Author moveONorStay Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 I think you are right...oh well!
Author moveONorStay Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 Brutal...was in her area yesterday and sent a text suggesting meeting for a coffee, no response.. A call and a couple of further texts asking why she is ignoring me have made me feel like even more of an idiot. How can you convince someone you only have good intentions??
Jingle14 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 You can't. She's done. Leave it alone. But it's like we never existed. If i passed an old friend or acquaintance in the street I'd say hello so why is it supposed to be that we have to act like someone we loved, shared our bodies and most intimate moments, hopes, dreams, thoughts and lives with doesnt and didn't exist. It's just wrong, and hurtful. 1
TopCat22 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 They want to forget. They could feel guilty, or hurt themselves. Running away and hiding from the problem is the easier way to deal with the problem, hence the reason it feels like you have been cut out of their lives. They don't want you anymore and need to remove you from their lives. Nothing you can do or say will change that. This isn't like selling a car, there is no patter you can give them that will persuade them. Leave them be. Let them make a choice.
Jingle14 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 They want to forget. They could feel guilty, or hurt themselves. Running away and hiding from the problem is the easier way to deal with the problem, hence the reason it feels like you have been cut out of their lives. They don't want you anymore and need to remove you from their lives. Nothing you can do or say will change that. This isn't like selling a car, there is no patter you can give them that will persuade them. Leave them be. Let them make a choice. But what choice did they give us. We are people with feelings and you can't turn love off like a tap, just because they say its so.
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 But what choice did they give us. We are people with feelings and you can't turn love off like a tap, just because they say its so. You are thinking just as selfishly as they are. They left for selfish reasons, you are saying "he/she should give me a chance because of MY feelings". I'm in the same boat, I'm hurting, but I understand the theory of "free will". If they don't don't want to give you a chance THEY DON'T HAVE TO. They have feelings as well and unfortunately their feelings are "I don't like/don't want to be with him/her". It's unfair to them for us to want them to ignore their feelings because of how we feel. My ex said I was an amazing man the day she left me, she texted me 2 days ago to tell me I was amazing again and missed being in my arms. However the urge to not be with me is more overpowering that wanting to be with me. Respect their choice/feelings and begin to work on yourself to attract a better companion. THAT IS OUR ONLY OPTION until when and if they decide to change their mind.
Tree_Salmon Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 You are thinking just as selfishly as they are. They left for selfish reasons, you are saying "he/she should give me a chance because of MY feelings". I'm in the same boat, I'm hurting, but I understand the theory of "free will". If they don't don't want to give you a chance THEY DON'T HAVE TO. They have feelings as well and unfortunately their feelings are "I don't like/don't want to be with him/her". It's unfair to them for us to want them to ignore their feelings because of how we feel. My ex said I was an amazing man the day she left me, she texted me 2 days ago to tell me I was amazing again and missed being in my arms. However the urge to not be with me is more overpowering that wanting to be with me. Respect their choice/feelings and begin to work on yourself to attract a better companion. THAT IS OUR ONLY OPTION until when and if they decide to change their mind. I agree with most of this but I also think that after a certain period of time and intimacy with a person you DESERVE a little more than a childish ending. When I was the dumper i gave people respect and took the time to explain to them why in a calm manner as well as staying supportive and caring throughout. The fact that someones ex would NOT be this way shows lack of maturity and is just plain mean. But most people act this way. So you pick yourself up and say "wow, this person was a douche. why did i date someone who can do this to me?" and use it. I'm only now realizing how crappy a person my ex was and I was the dumper. 2
Author moveONorStay Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 I was the dumper in this case...but now feeling a bit rejected...it's definitely a control thing. I think being ignorant and not meeting someone you supposedly loved is really horrible and perhaps even emotionally abusive. 2
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