Such a long saga

[annoyedman1976]

A very long story. I met my wife when I was 19. She was my first sexual encounter. Moved in after about 3 weeks, we were having sex after 1 week. We didnt date as such, it was very sexual. My wife had been sexually assaulted numerous times before I met her. When she was 14 she was raped by a teenager aquaintance.

 

She then was also raped by a boyfriend quite a few times during a abusive relationship, through their time together of about 3 years. Another time she was raped by an older man, when she stayed at his and his wifes house. The wife left for work in the morning and he raped her.

 

Another time she says she went home with a couple of guys after her 18th birthday, and you guessed it the guy raped her. Another time she was physically touched and this is the only time she laid charges, and the man was sent to jail. So a lot happenned to her before we got together. She never got much support from her family etc. or counselling to help with this.

 

We got together and it was all fun and such. She told me about her past problems, and i was fine with it. She was always extremely touchy, and edgy. One little disagreement and she would go off, many times punching and hitting me etc. Getting on with this we got together in 1995.

 

Around 1998, i went away for a weekend to my parents, and she didnt come because we had one of those little disagreements before. So she stayed home, we had a male flatmate. I went away and came home. She was so happy to see me. But very insistent in going to new years where this flatmate was. We got there, and that night, she said she wanted to break up. So we kinda did, but not really, and we had new years together with the flatmate at a few nightclubs. We came home, for a few days before the flatmate came back. Over the next few weeks we got back together. About a few weeks later the flatmate moved out.

 

Fast forward to 2000, and my wife became pregnant with our first child. She suffered a lot of depression, i was working long hours, and no support from her family. We had our second child in 2003, depression really bad after this as well.In 2004 we had our first (really second problem). My wife went with friends and their 15 year old nephew away for the day, as I couldnt get babysistting for our child. She came home and over the next few days behaved weird and got many text messages on our mobile, but wouldnt show me.

 

At the third day I came home. And she told me to sit down. She had been caught out by the 15 years old sisters who read his phone and told their mum. The mum told our friend that if my wife didnt stop what she was doing she would tell me. They had basically been sexting each other to the point where she was organising for him to leave school at lunchtime and meet at our house, whilst i was at work and the child was in babysitting. I was shocked and heartbroken. Didnt know at the time but I was too weak,and she really didnt get any consequences for it. A bit later we were having a fight, and she blurted out, no wonder i didnt tell you about me and the flatmate sleeping in his bed that night you went to your parents. She claims she was upset, and needed someone in the bed. She claims nothing happenned. Her version of events is he tried to get her drunk, so guess what she slept in his bed, but they didnt touch each other. She didnt even like him apparently. I rang this guy, and he said nothing happenned that night, but they did have sex later. When I said to him, he better not be lying, he said he has nothing to gain from telling me lies. She has continually denied this. Okay another thing to give me nightmares over. How the hell can you do that, again i really didnt give her consequences. I do know they never communicated again after he moved out.

 

We never really got going properly again. I always mulled over everything, occasionally just bluring out stuff about this to hurt her at times. She was still very depressed, on and off medication etc. Still physically abusive etc to me.

 

2009 she begins a emotional affair on facebook with another guy(45 year old) from overseas. Goes on for about 3 months I found out. I hit her with it and she went off her head even to the point of saying she would hurt the kids. I rang the police and they took her to hospital for an assessment. They said she was fine and wouldnt hurt the kids. I sent her packing to her parents and she stayed there for about 3 days before she came home, and we sorta swept it under the carpet. She has over all this time quite a few times threatening suicide, been admitted to hospital a few times.

 

Late last year she needs to go to here aunties place to help her cousin who has been sexually assaulted. Her cousin was going to court. Began to feel funny when she acted weird on her text messages etc. She rings me on the day before she was coming home, and says she was bringing her 17 year old male cousin home for a few weeks. i say no, i just lost my father, i dont want anyone here. She in the end says ok, i wont bring him. Next morning she rings, and says he's coming i dont care what you say.

 

Well they get here and over the next few days , not much, just feeling uncomfortable as they seem to be way too touch feely for cousins. On the wednesday night, she tells me she wants him to move in, as it would be much better for him here as he doesnt like it at his mothers. We fight, and i say no way. Next night i go into the computer room , and find him on the seat perched behind my wife. I go off, but she just says i am being silly. He stays for another week, i dont know why or how i let him stay, but nothing major . REMEMBER i was at work during the day but who knows.

 

Also whilst he was here i kept saying to her , that what looked to be going on wasnt right, and she kept saying you are being silly. You need help maybe you need to see a shrink, you are going crazy. Long story short, she does tell me whilst she was at her aunties, the cousin (who has autism, and is a drug user etc, dropkick) told her he wanted to sleep with her. She said she was feeling attracted to him but told him she couldnt because she was married and she was her cousin. During this time they were still talking on phone and texting. Also i told her mother about this and his mother, but they dismissed it. My wife even made me apoligize to him and his mother for suggesting this stuff was going on.

 

Been a year now, we have done some counselling etc, but nothing really going there. She hasnt had any contact with him since. Says she doesnt even think about him. She says how silly she was, and doesnt know why i stay with her.

 

We are just going through the motions. I always ponder over whether she has had sex with the cousin, or the flatmate. She has always denied this, even at points where she is so broken down emotionally she is going to kill herself.

 

I dont really know what to do. I do love her, but always in the back of my mind is all this crap. Any thoughts?

Edited November 22, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Spark1111]

I think she needs intensive counselling to deal with the rape and the sexual assaults from her past.

 

It almost seems that she is continually reenacting this scenario with men much younger as she was, or much older as in her FB friend.

 

Something about it is empowering her where she now is the aggressor with a younger victim.

 

She will go to jail, of course, one day when she is accused of child abuse, if she does not understand this psychodrama she keeps recreating.

 

Her depression after child birth, her pursuing younger men are all connected to her rapes, IMO.

 

How soon can she go? Can you make this a condition of staying married to her?

 

And why are you so tolerant of these actions that border on criminal?

[annoyedman1976]

She has been on and off counselling for a couple of years. We also did seperate and together counselling with this person after the last event. It doesnt seem to be getting her anywhere. There really isnt many of them where we live. We should find a new one,and i will look into it.

 

As for why I put up with it. Thats a hard one. I think mainly for the kids, and I suppose I feel sorry for whats happenned to her in the past. I know its not my fault what happenned to her. She can be a really good person and mother. Just seems that she is totally unable to control herself. And i must admit she doesnt get into situations very often because she doesnt allow herself to. But the people she does this with, well you just wouldnt think it would happen when it does.

 

Should i get her to take a polygraph to see if she did have sex with any of the people?

[Spark1111]

You know.....if that would give you peace of mind...than request it.

 

There is a lot of history here in inappropriate behaviors and deception.

 

Remember, you did not cause it nor can you control it. At this stage, everyone is an adult and has to be accountable for their current actions.

 

I know you have empathy for her sad past, but at what point does the past get DEALT with?

 

Both people in a marriage have to bring their A game to the relationship. Do not let sympathy for her past cloud your judgement or allow you to excuse and accept unacceptable behavior.....ever.

[Owl]

I have to agree...if this were different...if she were a man...there'd be such an uproar over him sleeping with two underage and developmentally challenged girls.

 

What she's done is not only wrong...but illegal.

 

If you truly believe she's done these things (and I see nothing to indicate you're wrong)...you need to think very, very carefully on how to proceed from here. Not taking action could make you legally culpable in some fashion.

 

You need to think about how you're going to handle this whole situation from that perspective, as well as what you need to do to take care of your own children.

[alexandria35]

I have to say that I agree with Ladygrey. Your wifes behaviour is seriously disturbing. Rages, hitting you, suicide threats, threats to hurt your children, inappropriate sexual behaviour with teenagers. She is mentally ill, perhaps personality disordered. The chances of this improving or getting better are slim to none. First of all your wife has to realize the seriousness of her illness and really want to get treatment, then you have to find the appropriate treatment which can also be a very daunting task, not to mention ridiculously expensive. Sorry but I don't see your marriage getting better. Either accept it as it is or start making plans to divorce.

[turnera]

She has been on and off counselling for a couple of years.

On and off counseling will not work for someone so extremely damaged. It's a good bet that half of these events were egged on by her, her actions. Once you're in that position, you hate yourself and deserve nothing but bad.

 

That is not something you get over, usually.

 

She needs LONG, EXTENSIVE, AT LEAST WEEKLY therapy for at least a year or two before she can ever break down and remold herself. That's what it's gonna take.

 

If she won't do that, you need to break it off.

[annoyedman1976]

Firstly with the last incident the cousin. The cousin she was supposed to be down there to help is a girl , she was sexually assaulted by someone in her youth grouth, an elder, not my wife. The cousin thing, the boy 17, yes, and the counsellor told me, you will never get your head around that. How someone like him, can make your wife feel the way he did, and she told him in a seperate session to me. I know she needs extensive counselling.

 

I also know i will probably never get over all this. She keeps telling me, i need to get over it and we need to move on. She doesnt want to hear about it, and doesnt want to go over all the past stuff before us.

 

I am truly scared for our kids. I would not wish them to be with her without me there. I am scared who she would hook up with. I told her that if she ever tried any more with the male cousin, then she would lose the kids.

 

I just dont know how i would go with the kids by myself. I have never told any of this story to my family. But her mum knows, and her aunt knows. I made her ring her aunt and tell her the story. Her aunt seems to think that they can still talk. Her aunt is bipolar, and is really a feral as far as i am concerned. Her mother gave her no help either the whole way through her life. My wife lost her dad when she was 9. Her mum is also a victim of rape and her oldest half sister is the result (she was adopted out).

 

Its one big mess.

[Furious]

Firstly with the last incident the cousin. The cousin she was supposed to be down there to help is a girl , she was sexually assaulted by someone in her youth grouth, an elder, not my wife. The cousin thing, the boy 17, yes, and the counsellor told me, you will never get your head around that. How someone like him, can make your wife feel the way he did, and she told him in a seperate session to me. I know she needs extensive counselling.

 

I also know i will probably never get over all this. She keeps telling me, i need to get over it and we need to move on. She doesnt want to hear about it, and doesnt want to go over all the past stuff before us.

 

I am truly scared for our kids. I would not wish them to be with her without me there. I am scared who she would hook up with. I told her that if she ever tried any more with the male cousin, then she would lose the kids.

 

 

I just dont know how i would go with the kids by myself. I have never told any of this story to my family. But her mum knows, and her aunt knows. I made her ring her aunt and tell her the story. Her aunt seems to think that they can still talk. Her aunt is bipolar, and is really a feral as far as i am concerned. Her mother gave her no help either the whole way through her life. My wife lost her dad when she was 9. Her mum is also a victim of rape and her oldest half sister is the result (she was adopted out).

 

Its one big mess.

 

 

 

 

Your concerns are valid, and now is the time to realize that your wife may never be whole, and your enabling her must also end.

 

Your children are your main priority, and if your fear for their safety and well being you should begin taking steps in that direction to insure they are protected.

 

Begin documenting your wife's behavior, and any evidence to support this.

 

Seek legal advice in regard to attaining sole custody of your children, reach out to family support agencies in your area.

[seibert253]

Your WW is broke and wants to stay broke.

You need to help her pack, then move out, and D her.

She will continue to play you as long as you allow it.

[annoyedman1976]

Your wife has serious, serious issues, she IS a child predator. It makes me nauseous that you don't seem to realize the seriousness of how terrible her actions are. Two young boys, one 15 and the other 17 with special needs. That is really sick and perverted.

 

If you continue in this marriage without making it a condition that she get major help you are an enabler.

 

As a survivor myself of incest and sexual assault, I do have sympathy for your wife, but yet you are the one that I'm taking issue with since you KNOW that she has serious problems and you aren't doing everything you can to stop it. A woman such as you described is not safe around her own children because she seems to have next to no boundaries. Don't fool yourself and think she would never do that, because the truth is, you can't be sure of anything with a history of already being a predator.

 

I realize I'm being harsh but you need to realize the you must do whatever you have to do to get her help and protect your children and other young men. My gosh man.......this woman committed incest and your concern seems to be mainly about just who she has had sex with. You seem to be completely discounting that she committed the incest with 2 cousins and that she is child predator. Wake up!

 

Lady Grey, as far as I know she didnt do anything with the cousin. Well thats what I get from her. She probably is lying to cover her arse. This was 1 male cousin 17 years of age. I am in Australia, so age is legal. But incest is sick. The other cousin girl 14, was a person she was visiting to help her with an alledged sexual assault on her from a Army Cadets elder.

 

She definately had inappropriate thoughts on him and what he was to her at the very least. With her record of lying, and these things only coming up by detective work, you cannot believe anything she says.

 

She will be going to the doctors in the next few days to get paperwork to see a new psychologist. Hopefully someone who can help her out.

 

This may or may not (changing herself and her actions) allow me to stay with her. I dont in my worst dreams, think she would hurt our kids in this manner. She however , because of her depression, has really not done a lot in regards to bringing them up, and has a very short attention span.

 

Its going to be a very long road ahead, but I know i must man up and be more vigilant in setting boundaries, and not let her get away with anything else.

 

The 15 year old sexting which got caught out before anything happenned, would of sent her to jail if it had of gone any further, and became sexual. He was under age. She claims she wouldnt of done anything if he had of turned up, and only did it because she didnt really realise what was going on as it was all over the phone. A very poor choice for everyone.

 

She has never thought of the damage any of this could do to anyone including me, her kids, or the other person. She even had the audacity to say that she would be the only one hurt if it had of gone any further. I said, no your whole family would of been of been affected, but of course she didnt register with this.

Edited October 13, 2012 by annoyedman1976
Added more

[annoyedman1976]

I would like to know. The wife would still like to contact the auntie and the female cousin. She agrees to not have contact with the 17 year old male cousin. Should I allow this, or how can i talk her into not going there. The auntie is not her blood. She is seperated from her uncle. She is bipolar and all three kids there (my wifes cousins) have varying degrees of autism. She doesnt work, and lives in community housing. They are pretty feral in their way of life down there and their language.

 

I would prefer she doesnt, she is my opinion is just as likely to have him answering the phone at some stage.

 

I have told the auntie,and my wife has about what happenned. Not exactly sure how much of it all she did tell her. Her auntie seems to think thats it would still be okay for us to visit them and the male cousin to be there. No way in the world that i would allow that to ever happen.

 

Wifes mother is not a fan of the auntie. Disgusted when i told her that my wife still is talking to the auntie. But apparently the auntie was very good to my wife, when she was going through all the teenage trouble (rapes etc) and mother troubles. At one stage the mother even kicked her out down there. So she is very unwilling to not have contact with her.

[Darth Vader]

Tell your family about what she's been up to as you don't want your wife (I say that loosely ) manipulating them against you as well.

 

I say drop her ass quick! You don't need this drama going on in front of the children and I'd document everything your wife does to you, just make sure you keep the journal hidden in a very safe place!

[turnera]

If you're going to stay there so she can't be alone with the kids, you are going to have to learn to man up. Read No More Mr Nice Guy this weekend.

[annoyedman1976]

Just ordered that book No More Mr Nice Guy. Going to start documenting everything, plus write down everything from the past. My family dont really like her, my brother wont even come around as he doesnt like the way she yells and carries on.

 

My mum would never believe anything she says. She told me at the start, I could do much better but I didnt listen. Even her mother told her, she didnt know how she got someone like me.

 

She will be going to see the doctor this week to get referrals to another Psychologist. I am going to man up, and wont take this **** anymore. I deserve better, and probably will decide to leave my wife. But I have to get her more stable first.

[Furious]

Just ordered that book No More Mr Nice Guy. Going to start documenting everything, plus write down everything from the past. My family dont really like her, my brother wont even come around as he doesnt like the way she yells and carries on.

 

My mum would never believe anything she says. She told me at the start, I could do much better but I didnt listen. Even her mother told her, she didnt know how she got someone like me.

 

She will be going to see the doctor this week to get referrals to another Psychologist. I am going to man up, and wont take this **** anymore. I deserve better, and probably will decide to leave my wife. But I have to

 

get her more stable first.

 

 

You're taking the right steps, you can't make your wife better but you can make you and your children's life better.

 

I feel so bad for what you're going through. I think it would be good for you to get some individual counseling to help you deal with the enormous stress you're under.

Edited October 14, 2012 by Furious

[turnera]

While you're reading, NMMNG, here is a really good, quick, easy, first step for you to practice that will make your time there a LOT better. I call it Boundaries 101.

 

If she yells at you, you hold up your hand and say 'don't raise your voice to me.' If she does it again, hold up your hand again, 'I said not to raise your voice' and you turn around and leave the room, even as she's yelling. Go into another room and shut the door.

 

If she follows you into that room, pick up the kids and go outside. If she follows you outside or yells again, get in the car and take the kids to a park for a couple hours.

 

When you come home, if she's just waiting to start up again, go grab some clothes for you and the kids and go stay at a hotel for the night, or someone else's house. And turn off your phone.

 

If when you come home, she still hasn't learned, grab some more stuff and go stay for 2 days. Then 3 days the next time. Then a week. Then a month.

 

It sounds ridiculous, but it is you TEACHING her what you won't accept and what happens to HER if she keeps doing it - isolation.

 

She can't yell if you're not there to yell at.

[annoyedman1976]

Well, how time has flown. Not much has changed. No contact from the cousin and wife has deleted her facebook account. She has been to a few counselling sessions, and the counsellor wants her to see a pschiatrist as she says she needs to be on medication before she can get anywhere with her.

 

I am in limbo with my thoughts on working this out. She says her counsellor is getting into the stuff about her past sexual abuse. She doesnt want to get into it, it is just too much for her.

[turnera]

Well, how time has flown. Not much has changed. No contact from the cousin and wife has deleted her facebook account. She has been to a few counselling sessions, and the counsellor wants her to see a pschiatrist as she says she needs to be on medication before she can get anywhere with her.

 

I am in limbo with my thoughts on working this out. She says her counsellor is getting into the stuff about her past sexual abuse. She doesnt want to get into it, it is just too much for her.

Point out to her that, if she wants to reach a place where she can be really happy, she has to weed through the hard stuff. Tell her to think of it like studying for a Master's Thesis or something - not fun, hard as hell, but what a payoff at the end.