dudesomewhere Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 ok, this involves my best friend who is female...those of you who've read and remember...etc To begin, I saw her today...brightened up her spirits with a gift. We got to chatting a little. I go buy her some food before she leaves work, when I get to where she's working there's a guy she's talking to. No big deal. It's raining so I left her food in my car and I tell her that. I'm introduced to this guy, we exchange brief pleasantries. I go wander around the shop she works in...make my way back towards the front. She comes up to me and starts chatting a bit, she mentions that she thinks I scared the guy off...he went off to sit in his car. She says she thinks he likes her. Hmm, I thought. Then she says she sort of feels guilty...I have a feeling but I don't want to acknowledge it. I hope she's not looking at me as some suitor...I need and really want her to look at me as just a friend, albeit a very good and close one. In our little conversations, I asked if there was anything I could do for her...if she wanted to do anything tonight, she said she was busy and had stuff to do at home. Then this guy shows up. Gets me all thinking. He actually stays there outside in his car and waits for me to leave. In my head I'm thinking, I wonder if she's going out with him...and if she is why can't she just say she is if she considers me her friend? I have to wonder because of some things she says...why would she feel guilty? Guilt and this guy...is it because she said she had some chores to do at home but she was actually going out? Hmm At the end, when I was outside with her and he was still there in his car, she told me she was looking at getting another job. She tells me that he says he can get her this job...it's telemarketing. Job stuff aside, I'm wondering if this guy is one of those guys that proffers getting a female a job in order to try and seduce her. You think that is his motive? Do you think I should tell her my feelings toward this guy and that he might have an ulterior motive? here's a link to know a little about her http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t43231/ These are the questions I need answers to... So, what do you think I should do? Say nothing and just be as usual? Or should I say that I feel this guy MIGHT have something in mind? I mean, she could actually like him. Ladies, would you like a guy who did that if you knew of his ulterior motive? I don't know...my feelings towards him are so negative with him sitting in his car and waiting for me to leave. I can't bare to see her get hurt again. Is this something she'll have to learn as well if he does do something? Even if I knew he was scum, should I not say anything? What do you think the feelings of guilt come from? Do you think she doesn't actually see me as just a friend? What should I do...keep quiet and let this be something she has to contend with on her own? gahhh
tigeress Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 I believe she is confused by your relationship and feelings towards her. She may be feeling guilty because she believes she has led you on. She may feel you are misunderstanding her feelings towards you. I think she feels you haven't been totally honest with her about your feelings. She may be getting double messages from you. She hasn't got alot of positive male friend relationship experience to help figure things out. She also doesn't sound like she is an assertive person. You need to have a heart to heart with her. And as a friend you need to allow her to make her own mistakes and learn by them. As a friend you need to be supportive and when she falls be there to listen and help her pick up the pieces. Let her grow and learn. She needs to become her own woman. Treat this friendship as you would any other. Back off a bit and let her come to you sometimes. Be a friend when she needs and wants one. Allow her to do things for you out of friendship as well. Friendship like any other relationship, is a give and take. We as individuals grow by having and giving. Good luck! She is very lucky to have a caring friend like you.
Bojickwoman Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 and I also think you need to find out from her more about the situation. The guy she was talking to, does she work with him or is he just a regular customer to where she works? It is possible that this guy offered her the job in hopes of more with her. As a female, the first thing that popped in my head is that this guy wants something from her. You just don't get offered a job like that from a man that you don't know very well (I'm assuming she doesn't know him well, is the correct?). Perhaps the reason he left is that she wasn't as naieve as you think and she had a hunch that this guy might be after more and therefore, maybe before you came in she hinted at the fact that you guys were dating? Maybe to intimidate him? I don't know, just a theory. You seem to have made it clear that you are only interested in being a friend to her and nothing more. Have you made it clear to her? You seem like a very generous person and I would hope that she would take your actions as just being a good friend, but maybe she thinks because you are giving her such positive attention that it could lead to something more? I'm just speculating. Also, from your previous post, it seems like she has some self-esteem issues with men and needing attention from them. You mentioned in your last post about bad experiences with men in her past, but I also wonder (not to go too psychoanalytical on you) what her relationship is like with her father. This "wanting people to like me" thing, is it always with men or with people in general? Regardless, I think you need to start asking her some questions about the situation with that guy. Seems kind of weird he would go out to his car while you are there and then go back in after you leave.
Author dudesomewhere Posted July 29, 2004 Author Posted July 29, 2004 I don't know a lot of things ...some things I do know...some things I get a vibe for...it's all so hard when it's stuff like this. He's not a coworker and I don't think he's even a customer, but he does seem creepy. The many sides of me chime in and question the brotherly me, wondering if interfering is even neccessary, you know? It's like, should she learn without your interference or does she need your help? He's not a customer, most likely some random guy on the prowl. The thing that bothers me is that during my last 2 weeks with my last job, I noticed this other guy prowl my store looking for targets, it was very creepy. Having this creep fresh in my mind makes it all the more troubling...it's like transference. Some things she says sets things in such a vague mist I really don't know when I hear your words...bojick and tigeress. I don't think she hinted anything to the guy regarding me...though it would've made me feel more secure if she did use me as a shield. I intimidate guys easily...I really do. And that's not to brag, it's just the way I'm built I guess. She mentions that a few guys have started hitting on her...then I wonder if she wants me to save her. I would...but I would love to do so innocently. I wish she could see that...embrace it. I think having had her innocence taken from her by scum, she doesn't know how to protect or cherish it as I think she can. She knows that I value her as my friend first and foremost. Everytime I do something for her, she gets all happy and always says "I owe you" and I'll always repeat to her sincerely..."You owe me nothing". When I say that I make sure she sees that in my eyes. I'm trying to show her what a friend is. What someone who cherishes her will do...how they'll behave. But maybe even in this world the person I am, the guy I am is too foreign? She does have self esteem issues...big ones. I don't believe she ever wants anything beyond friendship with me because of our age gap...and I try to make her know who she is. Know her thoughts. To feel and understand that what I do is because I love her and not because I want to be intimate with her. I try to show her that I'll be someone in her life that does things for her and doesn't expect any kind of payback. I'm just trying to do things I think will build and fortify her will against all the ugliness she might face. I think she gets confused, not by her feelings or by my feelings...but by the simple fact that someone is doing this for her. I've mentioned her father too. He was a womanizer and IS a chauvinist. He hates women and thinks lowly of them. He cheated on her mother ONCE...maybe. I stress once, because that is all I know. When I've seen him and her in the same room, and I try to be the cordial young man, I've seen how she looks at her father. But the sad thing is...girls like her...they show resentment and anger towards their father but don't ever seem able to see that they gravitate towards that same type of guy. It is a painful thing to understand. The thing is, with this new guy....I don't think the problem is that she's naive...but that even if she knows this guy might be after more, she'll comply. That's my dilemma. I've been told by other women from this forum and in real life that the only thing I can do is just sit by and wait. She'll have to come to a turning point all by herself. I hope that she has grown stronger, but I just don't know...and I just don't know what to do. Man this is heavy for me...no amount of joking, being a butthead or playing video games can help. Not even the smiley emoticons you'll see me use. They are my facade for now
Bojickwoman Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 This can be a very sticky situation for you. On the one hand, I understand that it is fair to let her make mistakes and learn from them on her own, but I do understand that you also don't want to see her get hurt. I think the most important thing you can do is to let her know that you are there for her if anything ever happens. I AM creeped out about this guy though. I think you should ask her in detail about how well she knows him etc. Maybe even offer to beat his a$$ if he is bothering her. Ha Ha! But seriously, I really do wonder the sincerity of this guy, offering her a job....what will he expect in return? As for the self-esteem issues and gravitating towards the wrong men, does she realize that she does this? If so, is she seeking help to correct this behavior? I ask because, the sooner she realizes what is happening, the sooner she can be completely happy in life. I have a very deep understanding of this issue, because I myself have been dealing with the "daddy" issue and seem to gravitate towards the wrong men myself...and I'm 30 years old and still dealing with it. I wish I had known back when I was a young 20 something what I know now, I think if I did, I would be a lot happier person. Going back to the issue at hand, I think you should definitely find out more about that guy if you can. And, always go with your gutt feeling! If this guy is sending out creep signals, then he is definitely a creep! If you feel that strongly about it, maybe just mention it to her, not in a forceful way, or even protective way, but maybe just say "how well do you know this guy" etc. See if maybe it will signal some bells within herself. Let me know how everything turns out! I hope I was of some help to you. Good luck!
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