petsmart123 Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 I am new on this site. I just read some things that I really liked and I decided to post. This might be long, actually i know it'll be long, but somebody please help. This may all sound so ridiculous to some but for me it is really bothering me and I can not seem to shake it. I know I clearly have some issues of my own to deal with, but I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I feel like I've always been a really nice guy and I've always had some insecure things going on with girls. I know I'm an attractive guy(not bragging just part of the story) and I still feel like I have such a hard time with girls. I have never gone out and had a one night stand. I have only hooked up with 4 girls, which i am really insecure about. and please no one judge but i should mention im a drug addict. I've been in recovery and treatment for 6 months now. I think this and my drug addiction are so intertwined its scary. So I started dating this girl about a year ago. She was beautiful. She liked to do a lot of the same things that I like to do and the sex was GREAT. Within 3 weeks she had pretty much moved in with me. We both have dogs of the same breed and I seriously thought I was in heaven. We both have screwed up in college a bunch and were trying to get our acts together at the time. We had both just gotten out of serious relationships about 6 months before, that had a lot of the same things happen in them. I knew I loved this girl very early on. She felt the same way apparently. We did everything together and I couldn't have been happier. I have so many good memories with her. Some things that she brought to my attention early on... She had had sex with 20+ people. She doesn't really remember because she was always drunk. ( I seriously think she is an alcoholic, and she has admitted it a few times.) She had cheated on every boyfriend she has ever had. Her first boyfriend cheated on her after he convinced her to have sex when she was 14, which is when the drinking started. AND that sex was like her heroin. and a rumor that she had had a 3some with another dude and girl like a week before we got together. she denies this to this day So after learning all this stuff, I was crazy about her and nothing was gonna get in the way of this. She said repeatedly that she has changed. She said she has gone to counseling and she really really loved me. and so we just kept it going, and I still thought it was awesome. For me it was like a really really sweet girl that just wanted a nice dude like me and she had been through a lot and changed, so she was a really sweet girl that knew how to treat a dude really well, if you know what i mean and with me not having much experience in that department, it couldnt have been more perfect. The first incident... Christmas time. she is from St. Louis, MO. That is where her family lives and where she went for christmas time. We both lived and met in alabama. So I go up there to meet her family and spend the rest of the holidays with them after christmas with my family. So after about three days of going up there, I was having a blast. She gets really drunk one night and passes out in the middle of sex. I have really bad anxiety and that one shot me through the roof. The next night she drinks two glasses of wine and is totally messed up, im trying not to mention specific drugs but her favorite drug that she had had a really bad problem with in the past and supposedly hasnt done ever since made her black out and she had mentioned that her mom had some, so long story short I seriously think that she has taken that because you arent rolling on the floor messed up after 2 glasses of wine. So the impulsive dude that I am. I pack up and drive back to alabama in the middle of the night, She calls and is denying everything and that she was just really tired. I can't tell whether I overreacted or she was lying. So the next day I drive back to st. louis and try to make things better. 2nd incident... THis is really 3 incidences but ill compile them into 1. I finally told my therapist about all the things she told me in the beginning and how I feel really anxious about all of that. He says break up with her. I go to her house to break up with her, She flips and starts throwing stuff everywhere. She pulls a knife out saying that she will kill herself or me so I tackle her and she lands on her wrist and breaks it. (I know I'm totally in the wrong here. I know that I should never lay a finger on a girl. I know I have a lot of things that I do wrong in all of this but just please know that when I say tackle I mean I brought her to the ground to try to subdue her. Yes I know that that in itself is wrong, and I'm not going to make an excuse. FYI I have never done this sort of thing ever as well) She wouldn't let me leave after that. She lets my dog out of the house to run around the streets so that I will stay. I finally get my dog and leave. We are back together before night time. Next I really know that I should get out of this relationship, so I break up with her again. She flips and hits me a bunch of times outside my house and punches a hole in my window on my door. ( I did not tackle or do anything this time) She leaves and then comes back and cuts the power off in my house and is banging on my door for me to come and talk to her and that she is sorry. She just doesn't want to lose me. She finally gets in through the hole she already punched through my window. She did this with her other wrist that wasn't broken and now she had to get stitches on her other hand. We are back together. Next time she goes out and says that she is having one drink for her friends birthday and I dont hear from her all night and she shows up 6 hours later slammed. She was in my face wanting to hook up and I was having none of it because I was completely sober. She finally convinces me to hook up... I am a dude.... and then she passes out on me in the middle. I'm really freaking out at this point and I read her text messages, She has been texting her ex and a couple other people I have never heard of. I stay up all night worrying and I couldn't go back to sleep. The next morning at 6 am her alarm goes off cause she knows she has to study. She doesn't study at all and keeps going back to sleep but I rip the sheets off the bed and tell her to go. She slings my lamp and alarm clock off and starts pitching a fit. She starts hitting me and so I tackle her again. She hit her head and before we know it me and her are going to jail for domestic violence. PS I am a good person deep down and yes Im a drug addict but I never got arrested for drugs I got arrested for this. After this she moves back to St. Louis and drops out of school. Time goes by and we start talking again. In my mind it was just we both have problems and we can sort through them together and I love her so so much. I go visit her in St. Louis a month later and it was awesome we were both sober and life was great. Then a month later she comes and visits me in alabama for my birthday. again it was awesome, but exams were coming up and I would rather hang out and drink and party with her instead of studying since she was only there for a week. Again for the 3rd time I have to withdraw from all my classes and at this point it is time for me to go to rehab. So I pack up and head out. I have been in rehab for 6 months and I am doing really well. I really enjoy my life, but I worry that this is still part of my addiction. We have been going back and forth every week or so, sometimes breaking up for a day and sometimes just arguing and she hangs up. She calls me dramatic all the time whenever I bring up all the cheating stuff. She acts like it is no big deal. One time we broke up for 3 days and before I know it she has hooked up with another dude. She denied it for 2 weeks and I pressed her so hard that she finally admitted it. Then I finally got to talk to her a second about all this stuff without being called dramatic and she tells me that she lied about the 20+ dudes in the beginning and that it was actually 40+ dudes. I am devastated. I still want to work things out with her. Today...I love this girl more than anything. I want things to work out with her, but if this is just ridiculous and stupid to keep going on this I want to know while im in rehab. This would be a perfect place to start over COmpletely. She keeps saying that she has changed but she is still doing the exact same stuff. Ex. she went to a bar one night by herself met a dude had dinner with him, spent 400 dollars and wound up in a hotel room by herself and said she didnt hook up with him...yea right. She won't open up and even acknowledge all my feeling about all this stuff. Whenever I bring it up she hangs up on me. (I have to talk to her on the phone because I'm in rehab). I really love this girl and she makes me happy when we are sober together. I know that she is an alcoholic and so try and tell myself I understand how her mind works and that I should just be supportive of her. I have even said I know that she is probably gonna cheat on me and keep getting messed up but If i really love her then thats just part of it and she will get better but WHEN? We are still together right now but just last week she went to alabama for a football game and some dude she used to hook up with asked her to go home with her and that was the one night I didn't hear from her, but she denies that anything happened. I can't keep going on with this anxiety. And I have dumped her so many times that I feel like i can't anymore. I want to work things out with her. I wish she would talk about her past and open up to me. If yall think I should break up with her please give me some ways I can do that and things I need to be thinking, I really just have no idea how to even process all this. I know this is stupid but I seriously think that I will not find another girl that makes me this happy. I'm so insecure about all this crap. It really makes me anxious to think that she is cheating on me and I have no idea. Thank yall for reading if you got this far. I had to get that out and I hope to hear from someone soon. I just can't take feeling this way anymore. Thanks
kae Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 1) she`s an adult. 2) she is doing what she wants to do. 3) she is codependent 4) she`s NOT changing 5) you cant change her... 6) she is being selfish.. love is not selfish I feel like you guys moved too fast.. this is what happens with random cohabitation-`loving` the sexand not actually knowing the inner person. Im sure you are both nice people. Im sure there might be some love. But im positive the relationship went waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too fast Give her space and time. NC her for a while. check on her in 6months.. and slowly observe her and talk to her, GET TO KNOW HER! This Relationship needs to end!
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