suladas Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 Would you want to be the girl a guy dates to try to get over the girl he is still in love with and no over? Nope, but that's why I waited a bit. I don't think you need to be completely over them, just ready to open up to someone else if they are right. I think meeting someone you connect with again is a good way to finally get over the ex. I can't say for sure I was or am ready now for a new relationship but i'm pretty confident if the right girl came along I would be. But yes, I would still be upfront letting them know where I stand and I am not completely sure if I am ready yet.
veggirl Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 This is true but if you are up front with them, "I just got out if a relationship and not ready for another one" the "other girl" has the option to not proceed. If you give false hope to them you are DEAD WRONG!!! That's true. Loads of people will still pursue the person who says "I just got out a relationship" though thinking they can win them over...but you're right, that's on the person who makes that decision. Nope, but that's why I waited a bit. I don't think you need to be completely over them, just ready to open up to someone else if they are right. I think meeting someone you connect with again is a good way to finally get over the ex. I can't say for sure I was or am ready now for a new relationship but i'm pretty confident if the right girl came along I would be. But yes, I would still be upfront letting them know where I stand and I am not completely sure if I am ready yet. I agree you don't need to be 100% over them but you need to be in a place where you can see yourself with someone else. When I met my now ex I had just gotten out of something and I wasn't totally over the guy but I was ready for something new. With my now ex, I'm still a looong way from being open to something else, so I won't date til I get to that point.
River Rain Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 Here was how I got over it, and I have to say, yes I'm over it now, yay for me! 1. Grieve, within a reasonable timeframe, get angry, get sad, feel hurt. But don't let it consume you or go on and on. Make a list of why you broke up, or all the negative aspects of the relationship - keep it handy for when you start falling into the what-could-have-been trap. 2. No contact - no exceptions (unless kids are involved I guess) 3. Remove him/her from your life. I know I'm extreme, but I deleted all emails, texts, photos, his phone numbers, blocked his emails and any other reminders of the ex have been destroyed. I even changed my cell phone number because I didn't want to know if he would try to contact me or not. If you can't go to that extreme, at least hide them away so they aren't always a reminder to you. 4. Take care of yourself, make sure to eat, drink water, exercise and sleep. Avoid alcohol. No sad music, no sad movies, no sad books. Watch comedies. 5. Distraction: keep as busy as possible - preferably active, always be on the go. 6. Talk it out with whomever will listen, in my case, I talked ad naseum with the people here at LS and that helped give me perspective. 7. Meet new people...join a dating site, talk to someone new at work/school/coffee shop etc...just be social 8. Don't stop yourself from dating if you meet someone who interests you, get to know the person slowly. It's unbelievably amazing when a new guy says you're sexy and beautiful. Go for the compliments! 9. Leave all baggage behind. For example, I'm not assuming the new guy is constantly lying to me because the ex did. I'm going in fresh. 10. Have faith in love and always try again, take a risk, you only live once. 2
Floored Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 I started 'dating' about a month and a half out, but only with female friends that knew what I had gone through and knew I wasn't ready to get serious, mostly it was practice getting back on that horse with people who just wanted to have some laughs with no interest in anything physical or romantically emotional. We called it erasing memories, hitting up all of the favorite places that my ex and I used to go to, it was fantastic. My best friend's fiance is also a good friend of mine from before they dated, she coined that phrase, and helped erase half the city's venues with me; he was more than happy having a few days/nights off to go hunting and knowing she'd be having safe, fun time on the town. Dating isn't really a pump and dump marathon for me like it can be for some. I found my ex because I was romantically retarded, I figure the next girl will come the same way even if it takes some time.
Author sendme Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 That's true. Loads of people will still pursue the person who says "I just got out a relationship" though thinking they can win them over...but you're right, that's on the person who makes that decision. I think the key is definitely in being honest... the guy I'm casually dating doesn't want anything serious either... we're a few months away from having to move for rotations and he's military which means his rotation sites will be completely separate from mine.... so for now... we're dating and studying and it's fun and flirty and keeps my mind off of the heartbreak! 1
NoMoreJerks Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 (edited) Well , in my case, it's not dating per se, but -- yesterday I tried reaching out to one of my male friends who had previously shown interest in me (though never outrightly asked me out), and told him we should hang out some time; he said, "I would like that. What are you doing next week?" I was excited when he said "I would like that." It seemed to show enthusiam. Maybe I over-analyzed it. I said I was available Thursday evening.. He then said the following: "I'll be at (name of pub) on Thursday night at 8 pm. I am meeting 2 military friends (women). They're very nice though. It would be cool to hang out as a crew." (he's in the military also) What a bummer. I wish I hadn't asked. Made me feel like crap. Guess I'm not ready to date if something like this is getting to me. Edited October 14, 2012 by NoMoreJerks
Sugarkane Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 The thing is are you prepared to be possibly get screwed over again. I don't know how guys always date straight away
River Rain Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 Well , in my case, it's not dating per se, but -- yesterday I tried reaching out to one of my male friends who had previously shown interest in me (though never outrightly asked me out), and told him we should hang out some time; he said, "I would like that. What are you doing next week?" I was excited when he said "I would like that." It seemed to show enthusiam. Maybe I over-analyzed it. I said I was available Thursday evening.. He then said the following: "I'll be at (name of pub) on Thursday night at 8 pm. I am meeting 2 military friends (women). They're very nice though. It would be cool to hang out as a crew." (he's in the military also) What a bummer. I wish I hadn't asked. Made me feel like crap. Guess I'm not ready to date if something like this is getting to me. I think you should still go! He already had plans for Thursday when you suggested it, so he's trying to include you. And I think you're a lot like me, over-analyzing it, him saying "it would be cool to hang out as a crew" could have been his nerves too. I really think you should go and take a chance. At least you'll be out right?
NoMoreJerks Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 I think you should still go! He already had plans for Thursday when you suggested it, so he's trying to include you. And I think you're a lot like me, over-analyzing it, him saying "it would be cool to hang out as a crew" could have been his nerves too. I really think you should go and take a chance. At least you'll be out right? I don't know -- I'm not comfortable going out with him and 2 other women. I mean, when I mssged him, I had in mind that we would do something together -- just the two of us, whether dinner or drinks (I was hoping dinner). I was kinda asking him out on a "date." If I had wanted to hang out with him in the presence of other people, I would've organized an event (as I often do) and invited all my friends, including him. So my behaviour (asking him in person to hang out with ME , was not typical behaviour ). I will also stick out like a sore thumb in the midst of 3 military people who will probably talk a lot about military stuff, not stuff I can have a conversation about. Also, I kinda want to signal to him -- by not going -- that that was not my intention. Oh well, I gave it a shot and it was a swing and a miss. Too bad. I won't try again with him.
dreamstate83 Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 The thing is are you prepared to be possibly get screwed over again. I don't know how guys always date straight away It's the same with women. It mostly just comes down to a deep seeded need to feel validated. Those rebounds rarely last though, which is why I don't bother.
Author sendme Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 I don't know -- I'm not comfortable going out with him and 2 other women. I mean, when I mssged him, I had in mind that we would do something together -- just the two of us, whether dinner or drinks (I was hoping dinner). I was kinda asking him out on a "date." If I had wanted to hang out with him in the presence of other people, I would've organized an event (as I often do) and invited all my friends, including him. So my behaviour (asking him in person to hang out with ME , was not typical behaviour ). I will also stick out like a sore thumb in the midst of 3 military people who will probably talk a lot about military stuff, not stuff I can have a conversation about. Also, I kinda want to signal to him -- by not going -- that that was not my intention. Oh well, I gave it a shot and it was a swing and a miss. Too bad. I won't try again with him. You should go... don't consider it a date... just consider it something to occupy your time... I am by nature an introvert and have had so much fun in the past few weeks forcing myself out of my shell....
NoMoreJerks Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 You should go... don't consider it a date... just consider it something to occupy your time... I am by nature an introvert and have had so much fun in the past few weeks forcing myself out of my shell.... Hm. Well, honestly, I don't need something to keep me occupied -- got plenty of stuff to do that can keep me occupied, including going out on my own and meeting new people that way, instead of getting stuck with people I never intended to be with because some guy I asked out either didn't pick up the hint, or wasn't interested in me that way... I also kinda feel insulted.. I mean, I wouldn't have felt this annoyed if he had said, I'm busy on Thursday, meeting up with 2 women -- would you like to go some other time? Ah well. I think I'll pass this time around. Better for my emotional health. I don't think I'm ready to date. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise that this guy acted this way.
rach24680 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Yea until u start acting like a pshyco stalker cs ur used to being in a relationship and they think ur comin on too strong. jst be careful, dnt hurt urself
Chi townD Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Yeah, to be honest. I didn't start to SERIOUSLY date until I was ready. If I wasn't ready, then it wouldn't have been fair to myself and it certainly wouldn't have been fair to the girl I would have been dating. I would want to give her my best, but I would be able to do that if I still harbored feelings for someone else. However! To go out on the town with a girl and enjoying myself. There was nothing wrong with that. No expectations. Just a night out on the town. That was nice.
Sunslides Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Well, I have decided to date. Took my mind off her for the time being... Still have not found that spark... But, I did date quite a few girls since. Seeing one of them a little bit more often now... The ex is an ex for a reason. Apply NC, Date, Spark new beginnings. Staying home alone and sobbing will not help at all. The previous relation is over; they chose out! It's hard, it's damn hard!!! But you need to stand up and motivate yourself. I have met and made SOOOOO many new friends now, it's great!! I have never had so many friends who are girls. I get invited to dinners, parties, movies, ... all the time! 1
Jingle14 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Well, I have decided to date. Took my mind off her for the time being... Still have not found that spark... But, I did date quite a few girls since. Seeing one of them a little bit more often now... The ex is an ex for a reason. Apply NC, Date, Spark new beginnings. Staying home alone and sobbing will not help at all. The previous relation is over; they chose out! It's hard, it's damn hard!!! But you need to stand up and motivate yourself. I have met and made SOOOOO many new friends now, it's great!! I have never had so many friends who are girls. I get invited to dinners, parties, movies, ... all the time! Yes the reason being they decided to end it, but what say do we have in the matter? We just have to meekly accept it and vanish off the face of the earth to save them the inconvenience of guilt. Why the hell should we?!
River Rain Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Yes the reason being they decided to end it, but what say do we have in the matter? We just have to meekly accept it and vanish off the face of the earth to save them the inconvenience of guilt. Why the hell should we?! I think it's the best way because, it's not necessarily saving them guilt, it's helping you heal and move on to be happy with someone else. Forget them, it's all about you now. 1
curiouslyhuman Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 I think dating is fine. Investing yourself in a new relationship whilst still harboring deep feelings for someone else however, is not. The objective one wishes to attain after a breakup is to create new memories without the person whom we desire to give us a new renewal of a life without them. It will distance you from what you once had and condition you to understand the importance of said past relationship, more often than naught, diffusing it. This is why its important to date casually, but not invest, because you might be causing the same damage to someone else that was inflicted onto yourself. Knowing that you are not emotionally ready is easy because of the level of importance you still have for your ex. Explaining this to someone else who is interested in you more than casually might be a bit difficult, but its the wisest thing to do if you don't want to bite off more than you can chew. With time, gradually, life will show you how wonderful it is with or without said ex and you'll be able to venture out onto a new relationship that you care about full steam.
Sunslides Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Yes the reason being they decided to end it, but what say do we have in the matter? We just have to meekly accept it and vanish off the face of the earth to save them the inconvenience of guilt. Why the hell should we?! Pushing them to come back will do the reverse effect : Push them back even more. So yes, meekly accepting it is the way to handle it. NO CONTACT = Fast Healing. Period.
Jingle14 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Pushing them to come back will do the reverse effect : Push them back even more. So yes, meekly accepting it is the way to handle it. NO CONTACT = Fast Healing. Period. Not for me, no contact has made things worse, not healed in 16 months despite doing all the supposedly 'right' things. No contact, for me, invalidates all we had or ever meant to each other.
Mr Reptile Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 I would be single for a while, a few weeks or maybe even months to the dust of the emotions, then... Get a fck-buddy.. I'm serious. Don't try to date another guy 'cause you only fool yourself that you are inlove. Just have them for the physical, fun part, and be honest with them that's the only thing you want. I had this with a girl who just got out from a relationship and it was great, I got what I expected and we told eachother how it was between us, worked like a charm. You won't fall inlove for a while, you only THINK you will, especially if you got dumped, because you are feeling lonely. I would enjoy my singlelife for a pretty long time, then try to date and be serious. 2
River Rain Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Not for me, no contact has made things worse, not healed in 16 months despite doing all the supposedly 'right' things. No contact, for me, invalidates all we had or ever meant to each other. There's really no formula to get over things, it's too subjective since everyone heals at their own pace. It's too bad you've lost the last 16 months still grieving though. For me though, I wouldn't waste another moment pondering the value of the time you were together, because it's over now. When you were together, obviously it meant something to both of you or else you wouldn't have been together. I know I mean nothing to my ex now, but that doesn't invalidate the fact that we meant the world to each other for that short time we were together. 3
Sunslides Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Not for me, no contact has made things worse, not healed in 16 months despite doing all the supposedly 'right' things. No contact, for me, invalidates all we had or ever meant to each other. It's not worse. It would be worse if you went back to the ex. Date around. There are soooo many fun loving people out there. We are 7 billion people on this planet. There are others for you... There are many "The One". 1
Author sendme Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 I think dating is fine. Investing yourself in a new relationship whilst still harboring deep feelings for someone else however, is not. The objective one wishes to attain after a breakup is to create new memories without the person whom we desire to give us a new renewal of a life without them. It will distance you from what you once had and condition you to understand the importance of said past relationship, more often than naught, diffusing it. This is why its important to date casually, but not invest, because you might be causing the same damage to someone else that was inflicted onto yourself. Knowing that you are not emotionally ready is easy because of the level of importance you still have for your ex. Explaining this to someone else who is interested in you more than casually might be a bit difficult, but its the wisest thing to do if you don't want to bite off more than you can chew. With time, gradually, life will show you how wonderful it is with or without said ex and you'll be able to venture out onto a new relationship that you care about full steam. I think that's the best summation I've read so far! 1
Jingle14 Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 It's not worse. It would be worse if you went back to the ex. Date around. There are soooo many fun loving people out there. We are 7 billion people on this planet. There are others for you... There are many "The One". Actually, for me, it wouldn't be worse if I was back with him. For me, he WAS my 'one' and I sacrificed a hell of a lot for him and to be with him. I'm not interested in seeing other people so my future and only focus will be my son, family, friends and work. I don't need a man, I wanted him. Sadly he didn't want me.
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