Question to BS

[wanting more]

OP.

 

FFS tell the guy. He'll be angry but it will help him move on. If he hasn't hit you after the provocation of your 3 year secret affair your grounds for not telling him are suspect: You cite your counsellor in support - though the counsellor does not know about the secret.

 

I think, You just don't want this information to come out as it makes you look bad, and are rationalising lying - which as you were a cheater isn't much of a leap.

 

Taking the line "true closure comes from within ... so I can spin him a line of BS again and that's OK" is just rationalising lying.

 

Saying "I feel I want to punch you in the face" is venting anger ... In words. How about you cut the guy a break after your affair, and come clean?

 

All a bit moot as above you say you want to lie ( sorry, I mean be "economical with the truth" ) but there's my view. Wouldn't lie to you.

 

 

I never said I wanted to lie. I know one if the questions he wants to ask and the truthful answer thai that question is NO. Someone telling me they want to punch me in the face wouldn't hit home as much of that person hasn't actually punched me in the face. And I cite the fact that our counselor supports me not telling all the details (even not knowing THIS detail) is because the counselor also feels SO will become violent (SO had one on one with the counselor so he formed his own opinion on that, nothing I said)

[TiredFamilyGuy]

So, if he asks "is there anything else about the affair?" or "what was the surgery really for then?" what will you do? Lie, or tell truth?

 

If tell truth - then tell him without making him play twenty questions. Or you are lying by omission....which is still lying, by the way.

 

Alternatively, if actually you would lie anyway, then don't weasel and finesse around the issue with us here on the board. You don't give your SO any privacy, what with the "I saw his "book" on the table and glanced at it " snooping, but want to keep your secrets from him, even when you are going into a session where you will have led him to expect you will be candid.

 

The question session is pure BS if you don't go in there looking to be candid with him. It's "counsellor says this" and "counsellor says that" with you: I think you just don't wanna tell.

 

Let the pain and shame out, tell him the truth. He will then understand there was so little in his 20 year relationship with you, that you could feel that way, and will move on. Otherwise the poor shmuck will have a hundred nagging loose ends in his head, and never know what came unstuck when.

 

If I come over as angry with you, I apologize in advance for that. I just very strongly feel that you need to start off this next phase of your life, which involves some degree of contact with your ex-SO, with some honesty, and that your ex-SO is owed that.

Edited October 14, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy

[Sauron]

Really, know one knows what another person is capable of even after 20 years marriage to them. I am not trying to be an alarmist, but when I was a kid in school one of my classmates father killed his ex wife, her boy friend and his 2 two sisters, my friend hid in the attic or he would have been killed as well. It happens every day in this country. So the H might be coping with the A, but little details like, oh yeah I got pregnant, might be the proveribial straw for him to loose it. And really what difference does it make, they are getting divorced? It was a bad marriage, its over and time to look forward. So many extremists in this part of the site. Some of you are so foocused on yourself and your expierence that you can't see the bigger issues.

[BetrayedH]

So many extremists in this part of the site. Some of you are so foocused on yourself and your expierence that you can't see the bigger issues.

 

The pot and the kettle, Sauron.