Author wanting more Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 If you have no intentions whatsoever of reconciling with him, you should make that crystal clear. No reconciliation, I don't see the point of him having all the details unless you think it will make him more crazed if you don't give them to him. I wouldn't lie, but you do have a right to choose what to tell him and you should handle it how you feel is best. NO reconciliation!!!! I think it will make him more crazed to hear certain things.
Owl Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Then just tell him you're not going to answer the questions since you're not going to reconcile with him anyway. 4
nofool4u Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 My A is over, his W knows all about it and my SO just found out. In MC the counselor said that we'd have one session where my SO can ask questions about the A that I answer honestly. I'm not trying to R, only make things civil between us for the kids. Then what the hell are you wasting your husband's time for with MC then? Because if reconciliation is not your goal, then MC is useless. I will answer all his questions ( although counselor did say he doesn't feel there should be very detailed questions about the sexual encounters, but all other questions are open. I saw his "book" on the table and glanced at it and saw one question "when you had surgery last year, was it to have an abortion". The answer to that is NO, but..... I did have my tubes tied because I had gotten pregnant but lost the baby. So you had your tubes tied without his consent? You might have broken the law here. Depends on your state maybe, but I was told that I had to have my wife's consent to get a vasectomy. I told the doctor, "uh, but she will be my x-wife in about 2 months", and he still insisted. Needless to say I simply told the doctor that its on me and not him and if he didn't do it I'll find someone else. At this point I see no reason to go into that part. It is a very painful thing for me. Every November 17th ( when I lost the baby) and every mid June (when the baby would've been due) are tough times for me. I don't see any reason this has to be brought out, please remember I'm not in MC for R. Then quit wasting his time and drop MC. Because you may have already opened yourself up to something he might be able to use against you. But then again, fathers get f****d when it comes to divorce and custody anyway, so do your worst. What are you'd opinions???? (please be nice) Quit wasting his time and both of your money, drop MC and start the proceedings to dissolve the marriage. 1
Author wanting more Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 Then what the hell are you wasting your husband's time for with MC then? Because if reconciliation is not your goal, then MC is useless *****MC to try and be civil***** So you had your tubes tied without his consent? You might have broken the law here. Depends on your state maybe, but I was told that I had to have my wife's consent to get a vasectomy. I told the doctor, "uh, but she will be my x-wife in about 2 months", and he still insisted. Needless to say I simply told the doctor that its on me and not him and if he didn't do it I'll find someone else. ******We're not legally married. He has no say in me getting my tubes tied****** Then quit wasting his time and drop MC. Because you may have already opened yourself up to something he might be able to use against you. But then again, fathers get f****d when it comes to divorce and custody anyway, so do your worst. ***£*He's already a shi*ty father and that's on him, not me. We all live in the same house and they get maybe a few hours a week of his time. The rest of it he's sleeping or fishing or lying on the sofa watching tv***** Quit wasting his time and both of your money, drop MC and start the proceedings to dissolve the marriage. *****It's MY money paying for this like most Everything else. I guess I'm hoping I'd we can be civil to each other maybe the kids will still get the same few hours a week they get now, even when he moves out****
eleanorrigby Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 *****It's MY money paying for this like most Everything else. I guess I'm hoping I'd we can be civil to each other maybe the kids will still get the same few hours a week they get now, even when he moves out**** It may be your money, but it's still his time and effort wasted if he goes to these meeting expecting specific questions to be answered truthfully and all he gets are omissions and/or outright lies. Individual therapy would make more sense to me.
StormySeas Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 The answer to the question that he wrote down is "No". No, you didn't have an abortion. If there are follow-up questions, then I think you just see what the questions are and how you want to respond. I don't understand why people are criticizing you for going into MC and thinking about not telling the truth. You clearly have stated you do not want to reconcile. You are going to MC to try to create a civil relationship with your ex for your children. As a result, why would you be totally forthcoming? I appreciate that you are trying to consider what will hurt more than harm. If you wanted to reconcile, of course you would need to be 100% honest and bare your soul to him. But you don't want to reconcile, so answer the questions in the manner that will inflict the least amount of damage on him. He doesn't need 100% of the truth related to your pregnancy (so sorry for your loss) to be successful in his next relationship. It would be helpful for you to be honest about the things that would help him be a better partner going forward though, but at this point, I think you try to minimize the damage as much as possible and try to avoid answering questions or give additional details. Lying is wrong, so if he asks you a pointed question that spot-on leaves you no wiggle room for being vague or answering differently, then you have to figure out what you can put on your psyche as a moral person. 2
Owl Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Here's my thought. If you're going to MC, and it's been point blank spelled out to him that this is NOT to reconcile, but ONLY to focus on making the seperation/divorce process more amicable...then tell him there's no value in answering his questions, and don't bother even scheduling an appt with that kind of goal in mind. Simply focus on the premise of the MC...to focus on how to make the seperation and divorce as painless as possible. If he is even THINKING that the purpose of this MC is to in any way set discussion or possibility that you may some day consider reconciliation...you need to burn that expectation out right now, up front, point blank. He needs to clearly understand that this is NOT why you're going to this, and if that's his goal he's wasting time/money/energy. So...in that light...I say don't even bother with a Q&A session...useless in light of all of this. It would only get his hopes up....falsely. 2
Trimmer Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 He has hit me. Years ago Counseling to learn how to co parent and be apart. The counselor doesn't think he can handle lots of details I think his words were " I want to punch you in the face" I dont think he 'll do it but I can't lie, I'd be worried his he'd be if he knew about me getting pregnant with xMM child I have to say, I have a real concern about the counselor's ability to handle this situation. There has been physical violence in the past. The counselor is essentially inviting the two of you into a potential powder-keg environment, in which there is additional, highly-charged information that the counselor doesn't even have (e.g. the pregnancy.) I would be afraid of at least some possibility of this all blowing up and unless your counselor is a bouncer or a Secret Service agent in his/her other job, I would have a real concern about whether this is an emotionally and physically safe environment you're all walking into, especially once you add in the "I promise I'll tell you the truth (but not really)" factor. You are going to MC to try to create a civil relationship with your ex for your children. As a result, why would you be totally forthcoming? I actually agree with the basis of this argument, but then as others here have suggested, I would take it the one step further and say, OK then, if you're going to set a boundary and decline to be forthcoming about those details (which I think in itself - in this non-reconciliation scenario - is reasonable), then why the heck set up a session where the ground rule is "I'll answer truthfully anything asked in this session"? 2
Sauron Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 So many extremists on here wanting you to create a potentially dangerous situation for yourself and whoever might be with you at any particular moment in time. If he is that emotionally and mentally unstable, and he has proven it by striking you already, then protect yourself and omit whatever details you want to omit. Don't listen to the extremists in the group about all this BS about splattering every detail. They are not the ones walking in your shoes with a potentially violent ex. This phase of your life is ending and a new beginning awaits. Otherwise you may be stepping out of your car someday and end up being shot 5 or 6 times. Ask yourself this, is your life worth it? 2
mercy Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 I'm wondering, how does one explain these expensive gifts to ones spouse?
GLDheart Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 (edited) I'm sorry that, according to your account, he hit you. No matter what, it was wrong. BUT, was it one sided violence or did the two of you have "an ugly night"? I only ask because SOOOO many men would never hit a woman but women generally don't have the same social contraints and conditioning to restrain themselves. It can get ugly and sometimes the women's violence is the catalyst in the man's reciprical violence... I explain all of that only for the sake of your counseling "truth session" meeting. If it was truly a "two-way" fight between the two of you, holding the argument that he may get violent over information (especially with a witness sitting right there) breaks down pretty fast. It's still wrong that he hit you, but I just wonder if there is a bit more to it. Edited October 13, 2012 by GLDheart
underwater2010 Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 I think you should state it just as you did here. Remember MC is about honesty. I have a question....was it exMM's or BH's baby? Not trying to hurt you.
underwater2010 Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 I also like the idea of dropping MC if you are not reconiciling and going to FC instead. It is after about the well being of the children.
Author wanting more Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 I'm sorry that, according to your account, he hit you. No matter what, it was wrong. BUT, was it one sided violence or did the two of you have "an ugly night"? I only ask because SOOOO many men would never hit a woman but women generally don't have the same social contraints and conditioning to restrain themselves. It can get ugly and sometimes the women's violence is the catalyst in the man's reciprical violence... I explain all of that only for the sake of your counseling "truth session" meeting. If it was truly a "two-way" fight between the two of you, holding the argument that he may get violent over information (especially with a witness sitting right there) breaks down pretty fast. It's still wrong that he hit you, but I just wonder if there is a bit more to it. It was one sided. He hit me in the face and broke my nose. I think ( and so does the counselor) that's he's sitting on the edge. It wouldn't take much I don't think to push him over the edge.
Author wanting more Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 I think you should state it just as you did here. Remember MC is about honesty. I have a question....was it exMM's or BH's baby? Not trying to hurt you. It was xMMs baby
Author wanting more Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 I also like the idea of dropping MC if you are not reconiciling and going to FC instead. It is after about the well being of the children. I really don't know that FC is the place to start. We will do that but i think he needs MC of if not that a psychiatrist our issues are not just because of the A. There's years of built up issues
Sauron Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 He broke your nose, you he have have built up issues? Are you freaking kidding me. DON'T even consider it and DO NOT LISTEN to the group on this one. All of you in the group may not like me, but you are all giving this woman horribly bad advice to tell her to tell her violent husband that broke her nose, that she is divorcing that she got pregnant by her lover. It is the height of irresponsibility and I hope you all get banned for it. Have any of you never read about domestic violence? 1
woinlove Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 wanting more, not all counsellors are competent. You said the counsellor though your H might hurt you and yet he seems to be setting up a meeting that might make that more likely. I would ditch the counsellor immediately and find a competent one. Just think of the lunacy of paying someone to purposely set up conditions that may bring you great harm. Finding a family counsellor sounds like a good suggestion to me, but make sure you get some reliable recommendations. 2
Author wanting more Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 wanting more, not all counsellors are competent. You said the counsellor though your H might hurt you and yet he seems to be setting up a meeting that might make that more likely. I would ditch the counsellor immediately and find a competent one. Just think of the lunacy of paying someone to purposely set up conditions that may bring you great harm. Finding a family counsellor sounds like a good suggestion to me, but make sure you get some reliable recommendations. The counselor has said from the beginning that He knows there's so many questions that my SO has. He suggesting we do the q&a with him there is do he can let SO see that questions about how we had sex, what xMM did during sex are not things he needs to know. Especially knowing that we are not trying to R. He said don't answer the questions if SO and I are alone. Since he feels SO could really go over the edge. He thinks the questions should be asked with someone else there. I know SO has many many questions and I feel I do owe him answers. The whole start of my thread was just how far should I take the answers. I'm not going to lie. but j have decided I don't tell him about being pregnant 1
Author wanting more Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 He broke your nose, you he have have built up issues? Are you freaking kidding me. DON'T even consider it and DO NOT LISTEN to the group on this one. All of you in the group may not like me, but you are all giving this woman horribly bad advice to tell her to tell her violent husband that broke her nose, that she is divorcing that she got pregnant by her lover. It is the height of irresponsibility and I hope you all get banned for it. Have any of you never read about domestic violence? I won't tell him about the pregnancy 1
mercy Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 I'm wondering, how does one explain these expensive gifts to ones spouse? ^^^^ sorry, wantingmore, I meant this question to go in the 'gifts' thread. I'm a little distracted today. I don't think the question answer thing is a good idea.
woinlove Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 The counselor has said from the beginning that He knows there's so many questions that my SO has. He suggesting we do the q&a with him there is do he can let SO see that questions about how we had sex, what xMM did during sex are not things he needs to know. Especially knowing that we are not trying to R. He said don't answer the questions if SO and I are alone. Since he feels SO could really go over the edge. He thinks the questions should be asked with someone else there. I know SO has many many questions and I feel I do owe him answers. The whole start of my thread was just how far should I take the answers. I'm not going to lie. but j have decided I don't tell him about being pregnant Sounds dangerous to me and I stand by my recommendation to ditch the counsellor. If answering the questions without him present is dangerous, then I don't see how answering them with him present removes that danger, unless you can ensure you are never in your SO's presence at all without the counsellor. You are not in a situation to be fully honest with him so what is the point. Partial honesty can be the worse situation of all, as the person fills in the blanks with the worst case scenario. Why even go there? I usually advocate for honesty, but violence needs to be taken seriously, and I don't see any benefit of partial honesty. Silence is usually much better than partial honesty. What rationale has your counsellor given for this? I'd ask him to defend what the point of partial honesty is, but I doubt it can be defended sufficiently for the risks involved. 4
mercy Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 People tend to get hung up sometimes and think that having questions answered or getting the truth will give closure. It doesn't. The truth is, whether you lie (and I wouldn't) or you just refuse to answer his questions, nothing you say is going to give him closure. I would ask your counselor to reiterate that point over and over to him. Whatever you tell him or not, is just going to lead to a hundred other questions. We all have to accept that closure comes from within, it's not dependent on someone else. WM, you need to give up your thinking that things you tell him, will fix it for him. They won't.........that is something he has to come to grips with. Your counselor if any good at all, will help him see that. eh, where were you when I was asking all my questions! I could have used your wisdom! One question brings a million more... 1
ThatJustHappened Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 I'm old fashioned. If he's hit you, you have every right to not answer or say anything that makes you afraid of his reaction. Fire your councilor. Physical violence against a woman is on level with cheating. He abused you first. That does not condone your actions, but regardless of what you've done, your safety as a person and as a mother cannot be compromised... or left to chance. Level with everyone; including your ex-husband. Tell him you're afraid to say anything because of his actions...past and present. In fact, his issues with this almost demand that you insist upon full custody. Know this: you abused him too. Few things damage a man like a cheating woman. You've done nothing but make life harder for yourself with your decisions. Get help for your issues and turn your focus upon the children. IMO, neither one of you should be in a relationship. You have combined to make the future for you and your family a living hell. Get out of that by making the right decision from now on. Step by step. One day at a time. OP- I must have been spacing out because I missed the part where he abused you physically. I completely disagree with the bolded sentence. Physical violence is worse than cheating. Believe me, I'm extremely anti-cheating and I think it does irreparable damage to a BS's psyche, but psyches can be taken care of. If he beats you so badly that he kills you, there's nothing anyone can do about that. I say forget the marriage counseling..take the kids and run. They don't need a father like that. 1
TiredFamilyGuy Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 OP. FFS tell the guy. He'll be angry but it will help him move on. If he hasn't hit you after the provocation of your 3 year secret affair your grounds for not telling him are suspect: You cite your counsellor in support - though the counsellor does not know about the secret. I think, You just don't want this information to come out as it makes you look bad, and are rationalising lying - which as you were a cheater isn't much of a leap. Taking the line "true closure comes from within ... so I can spin him a line of BS again and that's OK" is just rationalising lying. Saying "I feel I want to punch you in the face" is venting anger ... In words. How about you cut the guy a break after your affair, and come clean? All a bit moot as above you say you want to lie ( sorry, I mean be "economical with the truth" ) but there's my view. Wouldn't lie to you.
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