Question to BS

[wanting more]

i know I'm the OW but I do have a question (its a very personal touchy situation for me so I do ask for suggestions but please no " ugly" comments)

 

My A is over, his W knows all about it and my SO just found out. In MC the counselor said that we'd have one session where my SO can ask questions about the A that I answer honestly. I'm not trying to R, only make things civil between us for the kids. I will answer all his questions ( although counselor did say he doesn't feel there should be very detailed questions about the sexual encounters, but all other questions are open.

I saw his "book" on the table and glanced at it and saw one question

"when you had surgery last year, was it to have an abortion".

The answer to that is NO, but..... I did have my tubes tied because I had gotten pregnant but lost the baby.

 

At this point I see no reason to go into that part. It is a very painful thing for me. Every November 17th ( when I lost the baby) and every mid June (when the baby would've been due) are tough times for me.

 

I don't see any reason this has to be brought out, please remember I'm not in MC for R. And I know xMM BS does not know about this.

 

What are you'd opinions???? (please be nice)

[Douchbag]

Considering you had 3 year affair.Got pregnant(Sorry about happened no one deserves some thing happen like that)

And the fact You said I'm not trying to R, only make things civil between us for the kids." What you hopping to accomplish whit this?

I mean you was recomended not to go in to great details about secuall encounters. But however this aint as On of those sex encounter question

"when you had surgery last year, was it to have an abortion".

The answer to that is NO, but..... I did have my tubes tied because I had gotten pregnant but lost the baby.

My recommendation is to answer truthfully,and being honest. He may have sucked as SO. But at least deserves the right to mind to rest.

other wise this whole exercise will be point less.And also is time for you

to grow up and own thing´s for once..

 

 

 

i know I'm the OW but I do have a question (its a very personal touchy situation for me so I do ask for suggestions but please no " ugly" comments)

 

My A is over, his W knows all about it and my SO just found out. In MC the counselor said that we'd have one session where my SO can ask questions about the A that I answer honestly. I'm not trying to R, only make things civil between us for the kids. I will answer all his questions ( although counselor did say he doesn't feel there should be very detailed questions about the sexual encounters, but all other questions are open.

I saw his "book" on the table and glanced at it and saw one question

"when you had surgery last year, was it to have an abortion".

The answer to that is NO, but..... I did have my tubes tied because I had gotten pregnant but lost the baby.

 

At this point I see no reason to go into that part. It is a very painful thing for me. Every November 17th ( when I lost the baby) and every mid June (when the baby would've been due) are tough times for me.

 

I don't see any reason this has to be brought out, please remember I'm not in MC for R. And I know xMM BS does not know about this.

 

What are you'd opinions???? (please be nice)

[wanting more]

Considering you had 3 year affair.Got pregnant(Sorry about happened no one deserves some thing happen like that)

And the fact You said I'm not trying to R, only make things civil between us for the kids." What you hopping to accomplish whit this?

I mean you was recomended not to go in to great details about secuall encounters. But however this aint as On of those sex encounter question

"when you had surgery last year, was it to have an abortion".

The answer to that is NO, but..... I did have my tubes tied because I had gotten pregnant but lost the baby.

My recommendation is to answer truthfully,and being honest. He may have sucked as SO. But at least deserves the right to mind to rest.

other wise this whole exercise will be point less.And also is time for you

to grow up and own thing´s for once..

 

 

 

 

I really don't understand your reply

[eleanorrigby]

I think you should not go through with the sessions if you are not going to be 100% honest.

[Douchbag]

I really don't understand your reply

 

Cant say i´m surprised.What exactly is it you don´t understand?

[KathyM]

I don't really see the point in going into all this. Your relationship with your SO is ending. He's aware of the affair. Then part ways without going into all the gory details. I don't see what good would come from going into all that at this point. If you were going to try to stay together, then you should disclose everything he's wondering about the affair, just to clear the air and begin reconciliation from a point of total honesty, because I do think the BS needs to know the truth in order to be able to move on from it. But I don't see the point in hashing this out with the guy who is leaving you.

[wanting more]

Cant say i´m surprised.What exactly is it you don´t understand?

 

 

Actually I understand English. I don't know what language you're talking in. (spell check may help) Congratulations. You're the 1st and only person on my "ignore" list.

[wanting more]

I don't really see the point in going into all this. Your relationship with your SO is ending. He's aware of the affair. Then part ways without going into all the gory details. I don't see what good would come from going into all that at this point. If you were going to try to stay together, then you should disclose everything he's wondering about the affair, just to clear the air and begin reconciliation from a point of total honesty, because I do think the BS needs to know the truth in order to be able to move on from it. But I don't see the point in hashing this out with the guy who is leaving you.

 

 

I don't see the point in telling him all of this. Not details of this. I guess I was thrown back a little when I saw that question.

[whichwayisup]

You owe your husband the truth, no matter what the outcome is - Either you two some how fix this or divorce.. Please respect him, and answer all that he needs to know. Sure it's painful for you, and I'm sorry you had a miscarriage..But he has the right to know that child wasn't his.

 

If you and your H want a real shot at having a good co parenting team, even though apart, start off with the full truth. Go from there and together put your kids first so they can have two healthy parents who get along well enough to be in the same room.

 

Are you scared/worried that he's going to call xMM's wife and tell her?

[eleanorrigby]

I don't see the point in telling him all of this. Not details of this. I guess I was thrown back a little when I saw that question.

 

Then dispense with the sessions. You are wasting each others time.

[whichwayisup]

I don't see the point in telling him all of this. Not details of this. I guess I was thrown back a little when I saw that question.

 

Okay so you don't plan on going into details about it or really answering his question..How are you going to handle this when he actually asks you face to face? I get that it was painful for you to lose your baby, but this is also about his pain as well, the betrayal and having his world turned upside down.

 

What does your counselor say about this?

[wanting more]

Okay so you don't plan on going into details about it or really answering his question..How are you going to handle this when he actually asks you face to face? I get that it was painful for you to lose your baby, but this is also about his pain as well, the betrayal and having his world turned upside down.

 

What does your counselor say about this?

 

Counselor doesn't know about the pregnancy. But he suggested not answering certain questions because he doesnt think my SO will deal with the A very good. He feels he's obsessive and has thoughts of hurting me and xMM. he thinks I should answer questions that don't go into sexual details, answer length of A, how many times we went away, why did I go into this A. things like that. He also was the one to suggest answering with him or a mediator there, not Judy me and SO.

[whichwayisup]

Counselor doesn't know about the pregnancy. But he suggested not answering certain questions because he doesnt think my SO will deal with the A very good. He feels he's obsessive and has thoughts of hurting me and xMM. he thinks I should answer questions that don't go into sexual details, answer length of A, how many times we went away, why did I go into this A. things like that. He also was the one to suggest answering with him or a mediator there, not Judy me and SO.

 

So this counselor is also your (soon to be ex) H's counselor as well? Or is he basing this on from what you've said in your sessions?

 

Give your H some credit. He obviously was calm enough and though it through to write down questions he feels he wants to ask you.

 

Plus, he IS allowed to be as upset about this as he wants, you can not and should not control how he feels. Now, he can be warned to not do anything physical to exMM and to you, but to try to prevent him from being upset/devastated isn't up to you or the counselor. You already broke him with the A... his world is shattered anyway. It seems he needs to know details so he can process it all and move on past it. If you hold back and he finds out on his own, it'll be much worse. Hope this makes sense and you consider or give what I'm saying some thought. See how it goes in the session, you may change your mind once you see your H face to face.

[wanting more]

So this counselor is also your (soon to be ex) H's counselor as well? Or is he basing this on from what you've said in your sessions?

 

Give your H some credit. He obviously was calm enough and though it through to write down questions he feels he wants to ask you.

 

Plus, he IS allowed to be as upset about this as he wants, you can not and should not control how he feels. Now, he can be warned to not do anything physical to exMM and to you, but to try to prevent him from being upset/devastated isn't up to you or the counselor. You already broke him with the A... his world is shattered anyway. It seems he needs to know details so he can process it all and move on past it. If you hold back and he finds out on his own, it'll be much worse. Hope this makes sense and you consider or give what I'm saying some thought. See how it goes in the session, you may change your mind once you see your H face to face.

 

We started counseling as a couple. Then I had one session alone today and SO went twice this week. We meet again next week together.

He is allowed to be very upset and hurt with all of this. But he has made threats to me. And there is a past with domestic violence. and I guess he's commented to the counselor about hurting me because the counselor was the one who brought it up. That's why he suggested having an open session for all the questions.

[whichwayisup]

We started counseling as a couple. Then I had one session alone today and SO went twice this week. We meet again next week together.

He is allowed to be very upset and hurt with all of this. But he has made threats to me. And there is a past with domestic violence. and I guess he's commented to the counselor about hurting me because the counselor was the one who brought it up. That's why he suggested having an open session for all the questions.

 

He has hit you in the past? Or threatened to?

 

Is your plan to do counselling to fix your marriage or end it and learn how to co parent together, and be apart, two different houses?

 

If it's an open session then the questions should be answered. The therapist can continue to work with your H to help with his anger.

 

You mean he threatened to hit you, or threatened to hurt you verbally?

[wanting more]

If you aren't going to respect him enough to answer questions truthfully....stay away from MC even if for the children(get a family therapist). Don't go through this, it will only serve to make him even more angry when he feels you are still not telling him the truth.

 

I feel if theres no counseling things will get very very ugly. We will also start family therapy, as he told our 21yr old daughter what a whore I am and have her details (not sexual) of the A.

I did tell my supervisor What's going on as SO threatened to call and leg my bosses know what kind of person they have working for them. He also threatens to tell my family and actually called my close friend. I really don't know how he'd handle knowing I was pregnant. I'm not running from it, I just really really believe it would send him over the edge.

[whichwayisup]

I feel if theres no counseling things will get very very ugly. We will also start family therapy, as he told our 21yr old daughter what a whore I am and have her details (not sexual) of the A.

I did tell my supervisor What's going on as SO threatened to call and leg my bosses know what kind of person they have working for them. He also threatens to tell my family and actually called my close friend. I really don't know how he'd handle knowing I was pregnant. I'm not running from it, I just really really believe it would send him over the edge.

 

To be honest, all that he's threatened to do seems quite the norm. Most BS's out the WS's to family and selected friends. if your affair took place at work, then bosses should know the truth too. I guess it's part of the fallout and consquences of your choices. Ask around, read other threads, you'll see 9/10 BS's tell others, even the kids (teens and young adults) the truth. They don't need to know the finer details, but at 21, your daughter probably would have found out somehow on her own , or at least ask what is going on and the why's of it all.

[wanting more]

He has hit you in the past? Or threatened to?

 

Is your plan to do counselling to fix your marriage or end it and learn how to co parent together, and be apart, two different houses?

 

If it's an open session then the questions should be answered. The therapist can continue to work with your H to help with his anger.

 

You mean he threatened to hit you, or threatened to hurt you verbally?

 

He has hit me. Years ago

Counseling to learn how to co parent and be apart.

The counselor doesn't think he can handle lots of details

 

I think his words were " I want to punch you in the face"

I dont think he 'll do it but I can't lie, I'd be worried his he'd be if he knew about me getting pregnant with xMM child

[ThatJustHappened]

Normally I don't condone lying AT ALL, including lying by omission..but losing a child is a very difficult experience, and I don't think you should have to share that particular piece of your past unless you want to. I think a decent compromise would be to tell him that you got your tubes tied to prevent pregnancy..but leave out the miscarriage.

[Steadfast]

I'm old fashioned. If he's hit you, you have every right to not answer or say anything that makes you afraid of his reaction. Fire your councilor.

 

Physical violence against a woman is on level with cheating. He abused you first. That does not condone your actions, but regardless of what you've done, your safety as a person and as a mother cannot be compromised... or left to chance. Level with everyone; including your ex-husband. Tell him you're afraid to say anything because of his actions...past and present. In fact, his issues with this almost demand that you insist upon full custody.

 

Know this: you abused him too. Few things damage a man like a cheating woman. You've done nothing but make life harder for yourself with your decisions. Get help for your issues and turn your focus upon the children. IMO, neither one of you should be in a relationship. You have combined to make the future for you and your family a living hell. Get out of that by making the right decision from now on. Step by step. One day at a time.

[Silly_Girl]

Normally I don't condone lying AT ALL, including lying by omission..but losing a child is a very difficult experience, and I don't think you should have to share that particular piece of your past unless you want to. I think a decent compromise would be to tell him that you got your tubes tied to prevent pregnancy..but leave out the miscarriage.

 

In this very particular, unusual situation, I agree with the above.

[seren]

Wantingmore,

 

I understand the feeling of loss around anniversary of losing a baby and what would have been their birthday, it gets easier, but never goes completely. I am sorry you lost your baby.

 

I am a huge believer in the truth, I asked my H everything and got everything, but, we were reconciling and I am not an angry person, so he could tell me everything knowing how I would respond. You and only you know your SO, it is easy to give advice when you (general) are not actually in the situation, but sometimes, when safety is threatened, I urge caution. if you think that going into detail would hurt your children's relationship with their father or that you will be abused, then you have to balance the outcomes your truth will bring about. I do not ever condone not telling there has been an A, but that is a moot point as he already knows, the counselling is to make the break up easier, not to prolong the relationship.

 

If the question is Have you had an abortion? then the answer is no, if he askes was the operation to have an abortion then of course it is no if pressed then and the tubes tied to prevent pregnancy explanation is truth. I think his next answer might be to ask if you got pregnant and would say yes, but you lost the baby. These are all very different questions, does he have a religous or moral objection to abortion?

 

There are always going to be differences in how people process information, some can deal with it without violence, some not, if you even have a moment's concern that your being so frankly honest will result in violence, then don't.

I am also of the mind that while I abhor all A's, they are destructive and hurtful to at least one person in the mix, I also think that there is never any excuse for violence, ever. Take care WM, TBH I would change counsellors, having an open questions session takes planning, careful planning and an agreement that what gets discussed in counselling stays in counselling, it can be like opening a can of worms and unless the lid is put back on once the session has finished, can result in all sorts of problems.

[ComingInHot]

Wanting:

 

Just answer the question.

 

It reads that the surgery was Not an abortion, so your answer would be no. If it was for an abortion AND to have your tubes tied, then your answer would be yes.

But it's the truth that counts in answering the question.

[Owl]

Here's my thoughts...

 

First...remember your counselor is there for you...not for him. So your counselor's advice not to be honest or not to answer certain questions is (potentially) the best solution for you...but not always the best solution for your SO.

 

I'm with the rest of the folks here. If you can't be 100% honest...if you won't answer questions or will lie or omit issues that you know he wants/needs to know...there's no point in going.

 

You can lie or omit the truths without giving it the pretense of being counseling.

 

I get that you're in a rough spot.

 

But if you're going to have a session for your SO to ask questions and you'll answer...don't draw limits or avoid the truth in it, or you're just deceiving him further by letting him THINK you're being honest and forthcoming.

 

Cancel that session if that's how it's gonna be.

[wanting more]

Thank you for all the replies