Why, don't they give us a chance?

[blue_jay_bird]

Why, don't they give us a chance?

 

Why didn't they tell us problem's and say let's work on them?

 

I don't believe they don't think we are worth it.

[Calico]

Because when it's broken, it's broken.

 

I did beg for a chance, and would have done everything for it, but with a bit of NC-infused distance and a lot of thought-shifting, I realize now that it was better that she didn't give me a chance. Why? Because it would have been extremely stressful. I'd have watched everything I said, questioned every action, and second-guessed everything she did. It would have been anything but natural or effortless.

 

Second chances rarely change the fundamental issues and no one changes over night or even in a few weeks or months, no matter how much they believe they can. For a real second chance, both parties have to move on, gain distance, live their own lives for a while, and really let go. And maybe people will then also realize that they don't need to change to be loved, and that there is someone out there who will really love them for who they are. That is freedom.

 

I think dumpers realize that, too, especially since they already did gain distance in the weeks and months before the breakup. They already had time to detach, to discuss things with friends who left us in the dark, and to chew on it while we believed everything was fine. When the breakup is a shock to you, they are already far ahead of you, and so their perspective is different.

 

If you still ask why he didn't give you a chance, then you haven't moved on. You need to get to a point where you ask yourself, "Why would I even want a chance?"

[Leigh 87]

Your right. If they thought you were worth it, they would move mountains to be with you.

 

But don't take it personally; you will not be the right person for EVERYone.

 

A brillant, beautiful women who a lot of men want, will STILL not be the right women for ALL me; some men will just lack feelings for her. It is natural for even the most appealing people who posess all the desired qualities in a mate, to STILL not be enough for a long term relationship with someone.

 

I personally think that they are heartless bast@rds for not even talking to you after years of being together; to just leave with no explanation is ludacris.

[Calico]

To add a bit to my post above:

 

In the past, there were relationships that I ended. Not in the jerkish way that some of us around here get dumped, but still, the breakups were not always mutually desired. The women that I let go had never done anything "wrong". They were great, fantastic women that I cared about, but after some time -- years, usually --, the spark was just gone. It wasn't anyone's fault, and there was nothing wrong with them. There was nothing they could have done differently, and they couldn't have changed to alter the outcome.

 

It had much more (everything!) to do with me and my changing needs, my insecurities, my "issues" than with them. There would have been no point in a second chance because the emotional basis for a successful romantic relationship had changed, and no one was really at fault. You can't stay with someone who no longer makes you happy or excites you.

 

Now, that was when I was in my 20s. In my 30s, my perspective on relationships changed and I started to look for something more lasting, more substantial, and that's when the tables turned and suddenly it was me who got left. Much as I'd like to blame myself for the last breakup, I know that there wasn't anything I did wrong. It just didn't work out and her feelings changed.

 

Sucks, but it is what it is and there is zero value in not accepting change. It'll just tear you apart if you try.

[thembones]

Reality check for you, me, and the rest of the people who got dumped:

 

They just do not want to be with us anymore. Why try to remember them, when they are trying to forget about you!? That is why they won't give a chance. To quote my ex, "I just don't WANT to try anymore." Not "cannot", but "don't want to". They all could try, but they do not want to. Good riddance.

 

I tried. I begged. I reasoned. I romanced. I sought advice. I gave her space. I failed. I GAVE UP. And I feel like a jackass for ever trying to get her back. I told her that I had to fight, because I thought it was meant for us to be together. I do not consider that I lost that fight, but I just decided it was not worth playing another round.

[blue_jay_bird]

Because when it's broken, it's broken.

 

I did beg for a chance, and would have done everything for it, but with a bit of NC-infused distance and a lot of thought-shifting, I realize now that it was better that she didn't give me a chance. Why? Because it would have been extremely stressful. I'd have watched everything I said, questioned every action, and second-guessed everything she did. It would have been anything but natural or effortless.

 

Second chances rarely change the fundamental issues and no one changes over night or even in a few weeks or months, no matter how much they believe they can. For a real second chance, both parties have to move on, gain distance, live their own lives for a while, and really let go. And maybe people will then also realize that they don't need to change to be loved, and that there is someone out there who will really love them for who they are. That is freedom.

 

I think dumpers realize that, too, especially since they already did gain distance in the weeks and months before the breakup. They already had time to detach, to discuss things with friends who left us in the dark, and to chew on it while we believed everything was fine. When the breakup is a shock to you, they are already far ahead of you, and so their perspective is different.

 

If you still ask why he didn't give you a chance, then you haven't moved on. You need to get to a point where you ask yourself, "Why would I even want a chance?"

 

Not second chance as in, these are problem's, work on them or i'm leaving.

 

Not second chance as in, let's get back together and work on are problems.

 

Im talking about OPEN Communication before they say it's over. The first thing my Ex said to be was "we need a break" aka "it's over".

 

What and How he did it was cool and heartless.

 

And maybe people will then also realize that they don't need to change to be loved, and that there is someone out there who will really love them for who they are. That is freedom.

 

So when im in a relationship, i can sink to the worst me, and still expect a person to be head over heels for me. I was a unattractive, needy, insecure version of myself. And the more he distanced himself the worse i got. I may just be making excuses for him, maybe. But looking back i'm not surprised he ran. I was/am completely dependent on him.

[NoMoreJerks]

Giving a chance assumes there really is a problem. Sometimes the only problem is that they're not as much "into" you as you thought they were. Why would they give you a second chance? In their mind, the only problem is that they don't LIKE / LOVE you anymore, probably never did (as in the case of my ex). You can't make someone love you.

[blue_jay_bird]

To add a bit to my post above:

 

In the past, there were relationships that I ended. Not in the jerkish way that some of us around here get dumped, but still, the breakups were not always mutually desired. The women that I let go had never done anything "wrong". They were great, fantastic women that I cared about, but after some time -- years, usually --, the spark was just gone. It wasn't anyone's fault, and there was nothing wrong with them. There was nothing they could have done differently, and they couldn't have changed to alter the outcome.

 

It had much more (everything!) to do with me and my changing needs, my insecurities, my "issues" than with them. There would have been no point in a second chance because the emotional basis for a successful romantic relationship had changed, and no one was really at fault. You can't stay with someone who no longer makes you happy or excites you.

 

Now, that was when I was in my 20s. In my 30s, my perspective on relationships changed and I started to look for something more lasting, more substantial, and that's when the tables turned and suddenly it was me who got left. Much as I'd like to blame myself for the last breakup, I know that there wasn't anything I did wrong. It just didn't work out and her feelings changed.

 

Sucks, but it is what it is and there is zero value in not accepting change. It'll just tear you apart if you try.

 

So when someone doesn't fit your need, your over them. That sounds selfish. Spark needs to be worked on, i hate when people say the spark if gone. MAYBE because you have been together for a decade.

[Calico]

So when someone doesn't fit your need, your over them. That sounds selfish. Spark needs to be worked on, i hate when people say the spark if gone.

 

It's not like fast food, but what can you do if your feelings change? Sacrifice yourself and your own happiness so that someone else can have the illusion of a happy relationship? I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't really want to be with me (for any reason, not just for a reason I approve of) and as much as it hurts at times, it's not something I want my partners to do, either. That's what results in cheating and I find that infinitely harder to deal with than with a clean breakup because my partner fell out of love with me.

 

Romantic relationships are always "selfish". You are in them because you want that person and enjoy how your partner makes you feel, what they add to your life, what they give you (or what they enable you to give to them). So, yes, ending a relationship when you realize that the person you're with is not the right one (this doesn't just happen over night), instead of dragging it out and wasting everyone's time, is selfish.

 

But it's just as selfish to want someone to stay with you even though they do not want to be with you (and maybe that's the wrong kind of selfish because it is about wanting to control another person and how they feel). Everyone is selfish when it comes to romantic relationships. The fact that you hurt means that you're selfish. It's about what you lost, how it made you feel, how it affected you. If you were not selfish, you'd be genuinely happy that your ex is living exactly the life he choose to.

 

Of course it sucks if you get dumped when you're still in love. Happened to me. Am I excited about it? No. But I can't make her love me, nor do I want to. However, we did talk a lot (not that it was productive or changed anything), and I would not, and never have, walk away from someone without communication. I'm not saying how you were treated was all right. But I'm also not saying that how you treat yourself and get yourself stuck is all right.

[blue_jay_bird]

It's not like fast food, but what can you do if your feelings change? Sacrifice yourself and your own happiness so that someone else can have the illusion of a happy relationship? I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't really want to be with me (for any reason, not just for a reason I approve of) and as much as it hurts at times, it's not something I want my partners to do, either. That's what results in cheating and I find that infinitely harder to deal with than with a clean breakup because my partner fell out of love with me.

 

Romantic relationships are always "selfish". You are in them because you want that person and enjoy how your partner makes you feel, what they add to your life, what they give you (or what they enable you to give to them). So, yes, ending a relationship when you realize that the person you're with is not the right one (this doesn't just happen over night), instead of dragging it out and wasting everyone's time, is selfish.

 

But it's just as selfish to want someone to stay with you even though they do not want to be with you (and maybe that's the wrong kind of selfish because it is about wanting to control another person and how they feel). Everyone is selfish when it comes to romantic relationships. The fact that you hurt means that you're selfish. It's about what you lost, how it made you feel, how it affected you. If you were not selfish, you'd be genuinely happy that your ex is living exactly the life he choose to.

 

Of course it sucks if you get dumped when you're still in love. Happened to me. Am I excited about it? No. But I can't make her love me, nor do I want to. However, we did talk a lot (not that it was productive or changed anything), and I would not, and never have, walk away from someone without communication. I'm not saying how you were treated was all right. But I'm also not saying that how you treat yourself and get yourself stuck is all right.

 

Why are you so smart. lol

 

This pain is just so intense. Not being enough for my Ex really dig's a hole in me. And yes, it is about me now, how i feel. Not being good enough for his love is crushing. I really need to work on myself.

 

It's just so over seems like so much. SO much to think about my relationship this way. That i am not enough for his love anymore. And when this pain becomes to much i have to change to the through process that their is something wrong with him.

 

It's so messed up. I love your logic. BUT, i can't do it. I want him to fall in love with me again. All this sounds so wrong when i type it. I'm so lost.

[blue_jay_bird]

it doesn't help when they say they still love you. They are lying. To themselves, and me.

[Jingle14]

Reality check for you, me, and the rest of the people who got dumped:

 

They just do not want to be with us anymore. Why try to remember them, when they are trying to forget about you!? That is why they won't give a chance. To quote my ex, "I just don't WANT to try anymore." Not "cannot", but "don't want to". They all could try, but they do not want to. Good riddance.

 

I tried. I begged. I reasoned. I romanced. I sought advice. I gave her space. I failed. I GAVE UP. And I feel like a jackass for ever trying to get her back. I told her that I had to fight, because I thought it was meant for us to be together. I do not consider that I lost that fight, but I just decided it was not worth playing another round.

 

Same here - I got an email, to my work address and he knew I worked in the middle of an open plan office, saying 'I don't want to be with you, I don't want to try again'. This was at the end of a week when I had waited patiently for him to 'give serious thought' (in his words) to getting back together after we had spent a week sleeping together and acknowledging all the 'chemistry and connection' was still there. Those words are imprinted on my mind and I only read that email once. And unbeknown to me, that very week while I sat and let him have his space to think, he was busy asking someone else out. Piece of ****!

[PlanB123]

have you never been the dumper? remember how you felt. i am the dumpee this time but i understand that there is little point talking to her because i have been the dumper before.

 

there is nothing to discuss really. they know the only reason you want to talk it to try to convince them that 'we can make it work'. Their mind is made up and they just don't want the prolonged hassle and drama. They ain't changing their mind.

 

Maybe time, distance and perspective might change their mind (maybe) but there is nothing you can say or do so close to the actual dumping that will change things.

 

Cut away. Go work on yourself and your dreams. Maybe they will come around one day and you can then decide if the new you wants to go for another spin.

 

i think Einstein said: a problem can't be solved at the same level it was created at.

 

IOW, once you have got some distance and worked on yourself and towards your goals, you can look at that person in a whole new light.

[church9832]

When I was dumped I thought of this.

"I bought all the tools, but when I got back to the house it was already demolished"

 

You can't fix a house that cannot stand when you're not there. You can build it up again until you have the right person to build it with you, someone you trust.

 

Trust them enough that when they leave to buy some tools, they're be still there working on the house and vice versa.

 

Life happens and we get dumped because it wasn't meant to be OR if it was meant to be then it wasn't the right time.

[bluefairy812]

i am dealing with this right now. i called it off and a week later was begging for him to work it out and he said no. so essentially, he had the last word on our relationship. it hurts. he gave me and us many chances throughout the relationship but he just was not happy. i look back at the last 10 months and the signs were there, he stopped going with me to places and we did our own thing, as if we were roommates, and not a couple. it's sad. i would love for him to come back and give us a chance, but to him, we are not right for each other. i can't change his mind. so i am letting it be. whatever is meant to happen, will happen. i gave up already. if someone loves you they will stay in your life no matter what happens. that's the way i see him. i cannot wait until the day i am over it.

[Tree_Salmon]

have you never been the dumper? remember how you felt. i am the dumpee this time but i understand that there is little point talking to her because i have been the dumper before.

 

there is nothing to discuss really. they know the only reason you want to talk it to try to convince them that 'we can make it work'. Their mind is made up and they just don't want the prolonged hassle and drama. They ain't changing their mind.

 

Maybe time, distance and perspective might change their mind (maybe) but there is nothing you can say or do so close to the actual dumping that will change things.

 

Cut away. Go work on yourself and your dreams. Maybe they will come around one day and you can then decide if the new you wants to go for another spin.

 

i think Einstein said: a problem can't be solved at the same level it was created at.

 

IOW, once you have got some distance and worked on yourself and towards your goals, you can look at that person in a whole new light.

 

When I've been the dumper it's always been the best decision i ever made and I did not regret a thing.

 

The difference is, I tried everything I could to fix the situation before I made the decision to move on. Most people don't. They either get scared or hide their emotions or jump to a rebound quickly.

[Alban]

Because they don't love us

[suladas]

Eventually it just sinks in, they know how you feel, and they simply don't care and don't want you anymore. It's a tough thing to realize, but the sooner you stop caring about your ex and move on the better. Eventually you will think why did I waste my time caring about someone who no longer cares for me?

[NoMoreJerks]

2. People can / do date and enter into relationships for "Fun".

Yup, so true. Unfortunately. That was my ex.

[Calico]

1. Don't confuse Dating and Relationships with MARRIAGE.

 

Actually, what's really the difference between a marriage and a long-term romantic relationship? Unless someone is religious and does mean what they promise in the church, it's mostly about tax benefits and making it harder for the other person to leave the relationship. Or it's because of kids. Or for the family. Or because "it's what you do". Or because you've grown up with Disney movies. Over here, the majority of marriages doesn't even take place in churches, just in the registry office, making it even more business-like.

 

Perhaps I'm just cynical about it, but most marriages seem to fail as easily as other long-term relationships. They're just harder to walk away, but someone staying because of kids, the house, the family, the finances ... I don't know, sounds more like slavery than love to me. So maybe the relative ease of dropping out of a normal relationship is really an advantage: life is too short to spend years of it being unhappy and dissatisfied. And it's really relative. When you have been with someone for years, it's not fundamentally different from a marriage (on an emotional level).

 

Looking at my friends and co-workers, I see more successful LTRs than marriages. Same for family, except for the old folks who married in the 1940-60s.