Butterfly412 Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 I'm new here and I hope you can help me out. My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. We are both 24. He treats me very well, except for the fact that he's gotten three or four crushes since we've been together. My boyfriend is very attractive and funny, so lots of girls love flirting with him. He has kind of low self-esteem so he really likes the attention. I don't think that he's ever cheated on me, but he does get crushes pretty easily. I can tell that he has a crush because he will start mentioning a girl a lot, just talking about she said this or she did that, isn't it funny/interesting. Then I ask him, and he sheepishly admits that he kind of likes her, but it's no big deal. I know that being attracted to others is natural in a relationship, but I still feel really awful about this. I feel like he shouldn't get crushes THIS often. I am also sad because he admitted last week that he got a crush on a coworker of his really soon after we started dating. That's supposed to be the honeymoon stage, when you're really into each other, and yet I wasn't enough for him. Like I said, I don't think he cheats, and his flirting isn't too bad, like it isn't raunchy or anything. If I get upset about it, he gets really upset, and says I'm being controlled and insecure. Should I be worried about this? Is this normal?
nessaaa Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 How is it ok with you that he likes other girls while being in a relationship with you? Him getting upset is his way of manipulating u and tricking you. He's telling you that your insecure, duh what does he expect.. What girl is ok with her bf having crushes on other girls. I hate him.
nessaaa Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Liiiiittle extreme I do hate him I dunno who I hate more tho. OP or him, think it's a tie.
nessaaa Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Your bf tells you he likes other girls, and u stay with him... How does that make any sense to you? Maybe he's right. U are insecure, must be for staying with him. You think u can do any better? And shame on him for taking advantage of a insecure girl. 3
lvixen Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Eeeek, first of all, being attracted to someone else and finding someone else attractive are two totally different animals. He can find someone else cute/pretty/cool etc,. but not develop a crush on them. And even if he did develop an attraction towards someone else, that doesn't mean he should be telling you, either. Personally, this guy sounds like a total loser. 1
veggirl Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 How is it ok with you that he likes other girls while being in a relationship with you? Him getting upset is his way of manipulating u and tricking you. He's telling you that your insecure, duh what does he expect.. What girl is ok with her bf having crushes on other girls. I hate him. lol awesome OP its totally inappropriate. I agree with the others, finding someone attractive is one thing but actively crushing on so many other girls is not cool, I would not put up with that. A guy who is truly into you won't be getting crushes on all these other girls.
JVWood Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Whoa, really? That's not right. If he's crushing on other girls while with you then what's the point sticking around, you need to find someone who will like you and only you, I mean that's the whole point in starting a relationship with someone. Yes, of course you'll find someone attractive now and again, but to develop a crush is a no and for you to be OK with it...that's also a big no.
Negative Nancy Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 I know that being attracted to others is natural in a relationship No, it's not. People on here try to tell you this so they can justify their own behavior, but it simply is NOT natural nor do you need to accept or tolerate it. If he is attracted to others, he simply is not 100% into you. That's the unpopular truth that people try to sugarcoat here, but the truth nonetheless. 1
mysteryscape Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Looks like most of the posters here are female and all negative about him having other crushes. And claiming it's not normal for him to be attracted to others. I think from a male perspective, his behavior may be all too normal, except for his talking about it with his girlfriend. I think a lot of guys, even in relatively fresh relationships, have crushes of varying degrees on other girls. I remember when I started going with my first real girlfriend, besides my past near-girlfriends, at least one of which I was still plenty interested in, there was a girl in a class I was taking who could have easily become the girlfriend. And after real girlfriend and I were gf/bf, I was still interested in that girl in class, plus a couple of others in my dorm complex, plus one who popped into a party where I and gf were. A buddy of mine at the party (also with his gf) told me he got turned on by her and asked if I had too. Yup! I told him. I was somewhat ashamed about all of this stuff, I didn't talk about it with my gf though. It's not that I was thinking about these others all the time or even a lot, but they were certainly there in my mind in the background. To be fair, before gf and I became intimate, she started seeing her old boyfriend again (while still seeing me). This drove me insane and I left her. This made such an impression that she quickly dumped the old boyfriend. We were all very young then, I was 20. But I'm not sure people become much less dogs when they get older. confused:
Disenchantedly Yours Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Butterfly, how about you try a little experiment. Pick a guy...any guy...talk about him really positively infront of your boyfriend, talk about how funny and interesting. See how your boyfriend reacts. Your boyfriend sounds a little immature and very in-need of external validation of other women. Which can lead a guy to focus too much of his attention on other women. His self-esteem feeds too much off of it. Would I want to be with a guy that was developing a lot of crushes on other women? Not really. But you both are pretty young still and your boyfriend seems exceedingly immature. Give it back to him. This is the only way he is going to understand how it feels and think about the situation differently. 1
AlexiHC Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 No, it's not. People on here try to tell you this so they can justify their own behavior, but it simply is NOT natural nor do you need to accept or tolerate it. If he is attracted to others, he simply is not 100% into you. That's the unpopular truth that people try to sugarcoat here, but the truth nonetheless. That is 100% False, it is completely natural to be attracted to other people while dating somebody, its how you handle this that matters. Being a man if I see a gorgeous woman walking down the street, of course I'm gonna notice and think shes attractive thats human nature, If I'm in a relationship with somebody am I going to act on it? No. You cannot simply no longer be attracted to anybody but your girlfriend/boyfriend or whatever just because your in a relationship. Its absurd your even advocating that, I'm assuming your a woman, if you've EVER seen a movie or anything and went "Wow that guys hot" (brad pitt) or anything like that, you've just proven my point and based on your logic you're not 100% into your boyfriend and should do him a favor and just breakup.
xxoo Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 You should be concerned that expressing your feelings makes him very upset, and that he calls you controlling and insecure. That's not a good sign. The crushes don't alarm me. It doesn't sound like he's throwing it in your face or anything, but rather admitting to it when directly confronted. His self-awareness and honesty is admirable, imo. If he treats you well, and he keeps the crushes in appropriate perspective, it isn't necessarily a red flag imo. I guess it comes down to what you can handle. My partner and I laugh this stuff off, and tease each other about it. Others get very upset, and feel insecure. It probably isn't a matter of right and wrong, but rather of compatibility.
monkey00 Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 I wouldn't worry about the crushes. I have a guy friend who does that all the time when he meets/sees a girl that he thinks is cute and makes a big fuss out of it, then he does absolutely nothing about it. As long as you guy isn't cheating on you, then you have nothing to worry about.
mammasita Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 What's his definition of a crush? I think that's what you need to determine.
Leigh 87 Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 I am on the fence. I don't care that my boyfriend finds other girls attractive. heck, he even points a girl out now and again, and askes me about their butt. But I would not be okay with him expressing how much he LIKES a girl who is also finds attractive. Anything past "she's really cool, intelligent and not ditzy despite her good looks" is too much for me. That is the most my partner has mentioned in two years; what I said above, about him thinking a few girls were "cool and intelligent" to talk to..... and also good looking. I think it is really innappropriate for him to be crushing TOO hard. so, yeah. Anythings beyond " wow she is pretty awesome" is too much for me, personally. And mentioning they are " awesome" repetetively would also be a red flag to me. Once or twice is enough, but incessant reminders of how "amazing" another women is would make me:sick: I would dump him. But in real life, no one online knows how he feels about you. Have a talk and make sure YOU feel he is 100% into you.
dispatch3d Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 Guys have testosterone; it makes us want to get with a bunch of girls. Comparing guys to girls here, or the fact so many girls are so against this I think is just them not realizing what its like to be a guy. Guys find girls attractive all the time. I know girls have switches that are a lot harder to switch. Take speed dating. Men on speed dates will often like 25/30 girls, or something like that. Girls will like 1/30 or 2/30 guys and they will often be slightly different guys. So yeah, this is a gender difference. That said, he should realize that talking about girls around other girls is a huge nono. I've learned through experience not to even mention other girls unless I want the girl to go away or something to that effect.
threebyfate Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 Cut...bait. Low self-esteem guys are way more hassle than they're worth. 1
Recommended Posts