dorothys Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Here is my story. 3 week ago, my live in boyfriend of 4yrs told me that he needed space so he could destress and work on his depression. I felt real bad, and tried to plead with him. In the end I gave up and he moved out. The first week I saw him three times, always initated by him. That first week he called me at least once a day. A week after the break up, we went out with our kids ( his and mine). Then we came back to the house, and made love. He ended up spending the night and I thought everything is great. The next morning after a lot of flack from his family ( they have never liked me). He told me that it wasn't going to be a everyweek thing, and we should stop all physical affection when his kids or my kids were present. When we were by ourselves we could do whatever we wanted. I forgot to mention that when he left he went to his parent's house after our breakup. My guess it he is scared of them finding out that he still has feelings for me. He isn't good at hiding things, so I am sure they already know. The next weekend ( 2nd week) my daughter has a pool party at a local hotel. He comes by and ends up staying for 6hrs. We played with the kids in the pool. When they went in we hugged, kissed, and basically acted like a couple. We had sex again. He told me that he felt like he should be with me, and that he loved me. I told him that he needed to get help first, and then we would see about getting back together. I was so understanding. He said that he had slowed down on the calling, because he didn't want to bring up stuff of how things were??? I don't know what that meant, and I should have asked. He did say he liked the conversation ( I had been very short and to the point on the phone). The next morning I think everything has improved. He stops by for the first time in a week to drop off some money that he owed me, but I think he used it as an excuse. I was polite, but told him I was on my way out the door. Here is where my problems comes in. I called him on Monday to dicuss what we were going to do about our cellphone account. He was polite, but distant like usual. After calling me back for a second time due to bad phone reception, he told me that he was thinking of suggesting to his family that they take a trip this weekend. Then he said to me, " Do you know what that means?" I tried to play coy, but I knew what he meant. Sex. Don't get me wrong it is good, and I like the intimacy. But, I can't help feel like I am being used. He doesn't come the house during the week, or ask me to go out with him. When we do have sex there is a lot of unselfishness on his part, and he always wants to cuddle and talk aftewards. So it isn't a wham, bam, thank mam. What I am wondering is how do I say no in such a way that I keep him interested, but retain my self respect. I really would like to eventually reconcil with him, but on my terms. Any suggestions????
Fayebelle Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Explain to him that you don't think you should have sex again until you have worked out your pobs b/c it confuses the issues. Tell him you respect yourself too much to have sex w/anyone who is not interested in an all around healthy relationship w/you and your kids. Think how much it confuses them for the 2 of you to be back and forth like this. You don't want to teach them that this is how adult couples act.
sami Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 If you feel used, it is time to tell him that in a nice way. He has to work on his problems first.
supermom Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Maybe he is trying to take things slow again and kind of start over. I know it looks like he is using you, and he very well could be, but maybe ask him if you two could start over. I don't know, but I'm trying to give another possibility... Good Luck
Author dorothys Posted July 29, 2004 Author Posted July 29, 2004 Thanks Fayebell and Sami I think your advice is right on target. Sometimes you know the right thing to do, but you don't believe it until somebody else tells you. If he calls this weekend, I am going to find myself unavaliable. And if he really presses this issue, then I am going to muster all of my strength and tell him no. I don't want to have any physical intimacy without emotinal intimacy. This board has helped me so much.
Author dorothys Posted July 29, 2004 Author Posted July 29, 2004 Sorry about that. Thanks Supermom for your advice as well. I would like to take your positive view, but I think I would be kidding myself. He is not the kind of guy to easily use someone, I will admit that. We dated for the first time 17yrs ago when we were teenagers, so I think I know him pretty well. However, there are so many times that he could spend quality time with me, and his family would not know. He is on the road all day, and he has a cellphone. Before we broke up, it wasn't uncommon for him to phone me several times a day just to talk. Then there were the afternoon lunch dates at my work. He makes promises to come by for lunch or to see my kids, but he never does. I think he does what is easy for him, and right now that is physical affection. Guess I am going to try to not make myself so available. If what he really wants is a relationship, then he will try harder. But, if not then he will get the message, and hopefully leave me alone. By the way, does anybody think that the no contact rule will work in my case???
sami Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 No contact will not help here. Better still to stay just friends with no closeness or physical intimacy. He will still need you for support not necessarily for sex if you stay firmly clear on that. If you are weak or can easily give in to his pressures better to stay away from him. the ball is in your field.
Author dorothys Posted July 29, 2004 Author Posted July 29, 2004 Thanks Sami for your advice. What I am wondering though is if he needed me then why does he seems so happy? My ex never calls except when he needs something. He said that is so there is no talk of how things used to be??? Should have asked what he meant by that but I didn't. He did say that he likes how these past two weeks I have kept calls short, and to the point. Might I add that he is the one who does all the calling. First week it was several times a day. Next week it was twice a week phone call. Now, he has only called me once this week, and it is almost over. It was when he called this week that he hinted that he was clearing his schedule for me and him to be intimate. I played coy, and didn't give him a straight answer. Now, I do have other plans this weekend, and I think that is what I am going to tell him if he calls. It is killing me not to call him, and just let him know that I miss him and want him back. He asked me not to say I miss him, but he said he might say it to me. Today is his first appointment with a psychologist. I am hoping that this doctor can help him to see that his family is controlling him, and that I am something very positive in his life. Has anybody had a similar experience with an ex-boyfriend who left you because of depression? I would love to hear from anybody who has had similar experiences. I know that everybody says this, but he really is a great guy, and I don't want to loose him.
overseas2004 Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 Too bad everyone gave you such bad advice. With such behavior there are no explanations there is no sweetness. You just cut him off and say goodbye. How can you stand to be treated this way???
Author dorothys Posted July 29, 2004 Author Posted July 29, 2004 Thank you for your advice overseas2004. However, I truly believe that my ex-boyfriend has some serious depression issues that he needs to work out. A lot of people that I have talked to say he is confuse, and doesn't know what he wants right now. I was just hoping that someone had been in a relationship with a person who left due to needing help and wanting to get better. I am just wondering if supportive is the way to go, and do they sometimes come back once they get better??
sami Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 Do not let his depression drag you into his own problems. He is an adult and he has to work on his problems. That is his responsiblity toward himself in the first place. You may be a supporter from a distance at your convenience and on your terms not his. You are not a live entertainer for him or anybody else. You shouldn't settle for anything less than a rewarding relationship that works for you.
Author dorothys Posted July 29, 2004 Author Posted July 29, 2004 Thanks once again Sami for the good advice, and kind words of encouragement. Sometimes it is hard to decide what to do something when your head tells you one thing, and your heart another. AlthoughI love him, I feel like I and my children have gotten caught up in his depression. Hopefully, he can get himself better. If I am stil avaliable when he does, I would love to have him back. We have already agreeed that before we get back together , we will be seaking couples counseling.
sami Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 My avice to you is not to tie your future to his. Think of yourself and your children first. Anyone or anything else should come next and when you decide. Hope you will follow your mind this time.
Author dorothys Posted August 2, 2004 Author Posted August 2, 2004 Well, the weekend plans didn't last. He never called to initate anything. I guess it is okay, because I was going to tell him I had other plans anyway. This new habit of his, only hooking up when he wants something is wearing me thin . I think he expects me to sit around all day waiting on him. And if he calls, he just assumes I will fufill his ever desires. Well, I am not playing his game anymore. I am of a greater value than that. At least that is what all my friends tell me . Last time we talked he dropped some not subtle hints that a couple of girls had asked him out. But, I din't let it get me jealous. Then he tried to feel around as to find out if I was ready for a new realtionship. At first I thought he was talking about wasn't. Then as if to tell me everything he was thinking, He said, " Isn't a good thing we have going? We have a little emotional intimacy. Alot of sexual intimacy. And no responsiblitie or commitments." What is up with guy???
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