UPSandFedEx Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 He says he loves me but isn't in love with me. Ok I don't want to be with someone who isn't in love with me. He and I want to stay friends Ok yea we have been friends for 20 years. We aren't doing NC but are doing limited contact. I am having some health issues which started before the break up so he is trying to be supportive. He is dating a girl 15 years younger than both of us ok if that makes him happy. All I want is for him to be happy. He says things to me though that make me thing he isn't happy with the new relationship. I blow them off in front of him and tell him I want him to be happy. But then I come home and I am alone except for the cat. I sleep every night in one of Tshirts (ok I know it sounds silly but it helped when my husband died) I cry at night when I do sleep its with the TV on. If I could hate him it would be so much easier but I can't. How do you just shut off the feelings and the shut down a 20 year friendship because you can't be a couple.
Calico Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 You're not being the bigger person by staying friends with him when it tears you apart. You're being a doormat and you provide him with what he wants from you, and you get nothing. What he's doing is disrespectful to you, and if you're so easy to walk over, how could he respect you? Start by changing that, and also, don't sleep in his t-shirts. Throw them away, or at least put them out of sight. There is a difference between someone who dumped you for a 15 years younger woman and your husband who had passed away. This is not the same at all. This is really a situation where NC can help a lot. I understand that you believe that a little is better than nothing. But nothing is so much better for you than a little. You need to heal and you will not with him in your life. 1
Author UPSandFedEx Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 Not sure how NC is going to help. I live in a small town and I have no family here and neither does he. Literally we are all we have. With the health issues I have been having he is the only one I can count on to be there.I know most people don't get the relationship we have but honestly I can deal with the day a little better when I hear from him. I started seeing a therapist to help me deal with everything the health issues, the break up and the resurfacing grief from my husbands death. As far as sleeping in his tshirts that is the only thing that some nights keeps me from contacting him or having an anxiety attack which only makes the health issues worse. The therapist said it can't hurt to keep the tshirts around. I know most people think that hating your ex is the way to go but in our situation we just don't hate each other.
Calico Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 No, you are not "all we have". He has a 15 years younger woman whom he replaced you with. She provides the exciting sex, the honeymoon feelings, the thrill. You? You provide the warm blanket of familiarity, the comfort of worn slippers and the "mother"-like fallback option. You'll always be there and he knows that. He uses you and you believe that this is good and implies hope and future. If you only stick it out long enough, he'll soon grow tired of the 15 years younger woman and then he'll realize what's best for him. The only reason you feel better when you hear from him is because your addicted brain is getting a mini fix. What you do is essentially the same as an alcoholic trying to stop drinking but who, whenever the urge and pain get too much, downs a drink. Not as much as he'd like, but enough to "keep going". But all it does is drag out the problem and prevent any real progress. It's the difference between "existing" and "living". You need to let him go. NC has nothing to do with hating your ex. I love my ex, but contact with her tore me apart and got me stuck. See, what you do right now to yourself is pretty much "hating yourself". This emotional cutting. You believe the poison (your ex) is also the cure, but he is what is causing you this pain, and he cannot be the solution no matter what the addicted brain suggests. How do you imagine your future? That he comes back when he's tired of the 15 years younger woman? That he'll feel sorry for you and take you back? That you'll wake up one morning and you'll be over him and can just be friends? The latter won't happen. And do you want to be with someone who takes pity on you or doesn't have anyone better? Where's your pride, your dignity? Your self-respect? You can only get better if you want to, and bluntly put, I don't feel that you want that right now. I hope that eventually you'll get tired of the pain, the agony and the "being torn"-ess, and that then you can begin healing. I mean all of this with much gentleness even though I put the words bluntly so that they may get through that wall of self-deception and addiction. 2
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Everyone else will tackle the other issues, I'm going off on a tangent. Ok, my perfect girl would be the female version of me today. Think about that, everything would be perfect no fights, same interests, yada yada f'n yada. However, I would punch the 15yr younger version of me IN THE FACE!! Think about who you "were" 15 years ago and how far you have come since then, how your interests changed, how your personality changed. His new relationship is doomed before it gets off the ground. It's like watching the Titanic, we all knew the damn thing was going to sink, but we all watched anyway.
Author UPSandFedEx Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 Wow! You guys are cruel. First of all I'm nobodys doormat or warm blanket. When I said we are all we have I meant in a time of crisis we are all we have and that's how its always been even before we dated. I'm seeing a therapist for health issues as well as this and according to her going NC with him is NOT in my best interest healthwise. He is my emergency contact I have no family and no close friends here to rely on. So while you may hate your ex or think there is only one way to handle a break up one size doesn't fit all. As far as the new gf my therapist has told him and he agrees midlife crisis. Do I want him back? I don't know I have to get my health issues cleared up before I can think about that.
geegirl Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 (edited) No one is being cruel. Calico gives exceptional advice and you should listen rather than get defensive. I'm alone in the US. I am from another country. When my ex-husband and I divorced, I had no one. For years I struggled on my own. I remember going through health issues and did it all on my own. I once had to book a taxi to wait for me at the entrance of the hospital to take me home after surgery because I didn't have anyone. Don't let your dependency cripple you from being able to do what you need to do for yourself. There is always a way. There is nothing wrong with depending on those that can help you but when they add to your pain, it does not promote healthy living. I don't buy the "he has me and I have him." He has someone he shares his life with, you don't. Your therapist stated that having him in your life is beneficial to your health? I don't believe so because emotional hurt and pain is unhealthy and it breaks you down physically and mentally. If you're using that as an excuse to keep him in your life than admit to that. I can't for the life of me understand a therapist condoning action that negatively impacts your life just because it acts as a temporary bandaid. And so what if she diagnoses him with midlife crisis? What changes for you? Nothing. Stop sleeping with his shirts. It perpetuates the pain. Put it all away. Start detaching yourself piece by piece. What you experienced with him before you dated and what you have with him now is different. Two different approaches. You have to work with the situation that is being presented to you now, and that he is with someone else, and that it hurts you. Answer, go NC. Edited October 12, 2012 by geegirl 1
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