I don't know how to deal with this

[FEWCB]

Hi all.

 

I've got a bit of a complicated problem. I'd really appreciate some advice please. Before I begin, please please don't judge me- I'm really confused about how I feel and, believe it or not, I really do feel I have no power over the situation or my feelings here.This is why I'm asking for your advice.

 

Here goes:I'm an airline pilot, I'm 30 years old and have been in a stable committed relationship with my girlfriend (she's 29) for 5 years.I love her, but lately she has been getting more and more moody with me. She tends to get very angry with me very quickly for little things. Our sex life, which was at first mostly initiated by her as her sex drive was much higher than mine, has become really dull and infrequent. I do love her, but I just feel that we are in a bad patch in our relationship.

 

Here is where it gets complicated. I recently joined another airline, and I bumped into a female co-pilot who I had known from a few years back who now works there too.She is 23 and incredibly attractive, with a wonderful bubbly personality and very outgoing manner.Basically she is everything I could ever dream of in a partner.

One day about a month ago,I had to text her about something work related. We ended up texting each other literally that whole evening. And the whole next day. and for the next three whole days. We chatted about absolutely everything, and subsequently we have chatted in the office quite a lot and almost every day via text.

 

The big big problem is that I find myself thinking about this other girl constantly and i think i'm developing feelings for her that I dont know how to handle. She has confided in me that she recently broke up with her boyfriend of 3yrs, who left her for another woman, and this has left her emotionally broken.She has said she wants to stay single for a while, and I dont think there is any romantic feeling from her side, but I just cant seem to get her out of my mind.

 

I feel so guilty, because I've never ever experienced feelings like this while in a relationship-I feel like I'm cheating on my girlfriend just by thinking about this other girl, but I cant help it...

 

Please help with any advice. Its taking over my mind completely and I just feel so depressed and confused about my emotions. I have found myself thinking "why can't I be with a girl like this?"... Any advice would be great.

[Artie Lang]

you're sliding down a slippery slope, bro.

 

your best bet would be to cease all contact with this woman, lest you fall into a full-blown affair.

 

if you feel you can't control your urges, then break-up with your GF. don't subject her to such a betrayal.

[wannabdone]

If this is the type of woman that you have always dreamed of, then I think its obvious to say your GF is not the type of woman you have always dreamed of.

 

You are in a point in your life where you are not M, you can pick who you wish to have as your life partner. Choose wisely. You can read the stories on here, countless stories of ppl who are M and find who they think are their Soul Mate. You have the ability to find your soul mate and be with that person for the rest of your life. Don't settle.

 

If this woman isn't interested in you, then so be it. But, the main thing I see in your post is that the woman you are with is probably not the person for you. Set her free to find who completes her in everyway, meanwhile you will be doing the same thing for yourself.

[MissBee]

Hi all.

 

I've got a bit of a complicated problem. I'd really appreciate some advice please. Before I begin, please please don't judge me- I'm really confused about how I feel and, believe it or not, I really do feel I have no power over the situation or my feelings here.This is why I'm asking for your advice.

 

Here goes:I'm an airline pilot, I'm 30 years old and have been in a stable committed relationship with my girlfriend (she's 29) for 5 years.I love her, but lately she has been getting more and more moody with me. She tends to get very angry with me very quickly for little things. Our sex life, which was at first mostly initiated by her as her sex drive was much higher than mine, has become really dull and infrequent. I do love her, but I just feel that we are in a bad patch in our relationship.

 

Here is where it gets complicated. I recently joined another airline, and I bumped into a female co-pilot who I had known from a few years back who now works there too.She is 23 and incredibly attractive, with a wonderful bubbly personality and very outgoing manner.Basically she is everything I could ever dream of in a partner.

One day about a month ago,I had to text her about something work related. We ended up texting each other literally that whole evening. And the whole next day. and for the next three whole days. We chatted about absolutely everything, and subsequently we have chatted in the office quite a lot and almost every day via text.

 

The big big problem is that I find myself thinking about this other girl constantly and i think i'm developing feelings for her that I dont know how to handle. She has confided in me that she recently broke up with her boyfriend of 3yrs, who left her for another woman, and this has left her emotionally broken.She has said she wants to stay single for a while, and I dont think there is any romantic feeling from her side, but I just cant seem to get her out of my mind.

 

I feel so guilty, because I've never ever experienced feelings like this while in a relationship-I feel like I'm cheating on my girlfriend just by thinking about this other girl, but I cant help it...

 

Please help with any advice. Its taking over my mind completely and I just feel so depressed and confused about my emotions. I have found myself thinking "why can't I be with a girl like this?"... Any advice would be great.

 

 

I would suggest that you try to think about your relationship with your gf, outside of this new girl and think about whether or not you are truly incompatible and you don't want to be with her OR if you are just going through a rough patch.

 

Funnily, today I was reading a book on marriage and the author was saying that lots of marriages fail not because people change, but because they don't change and how a couple that changes together stays together. He also brought up that every marriage, or long term relationship, goes through one or all of these 3 problems at some point, and they are: painful periods of emotional distance (severe or minor), feelings of discontent, resentment, regret, hurt, anger etc and threats of emotional or physical infidelity. He states that in healthy LTRs people realize these things happen, as we're all flawed and so our flaws influence the relationship, and healthy relationships see the partners accepting this as a process to be worked through for a strengthened relationship.

 

Now, I said all of that to say that most people don't seem to realize that these feelings of distance or negative feelings do come up in relationships and aren't always a sign of a bad choice. Sometimes people experience that period and all of a sudden throw themselves into an A (that is of course new and has not been tested by such problems, so seems rosy, just like your LTR wasn't initially either) and then tell themselves a new person is the answer...when often it's not true and it's a matter of realizing you feel either neglected, hurt, bored etc and if the relationship has been good and has what you want and more good than bad, you can work through it. I suggest you not get carried away with this new woman before you truly think about if this new girl didn't exist, would you still want to be with your current gf and is the relationship normally good and worth it? All relationships take effort and it's often silly to throw away a good relationship when the going gets tough for a new one, which will eventually also get tough as well. Although I suppose some people are serial monogamists who simply find new people once the high and honeymoon phase wears off. Please be sure that you're truly incompatible and you actually don't want your relationship before you possibly do damage to it.

Edited October 12, 2012 by MissBee

[Artie Lang]

i don't think anyone is denying that people, relationships, or feelings "change." it would be foolish to think life stays in some sort of stasis.

 

if this guy feels he and his GF are drifting, then they should address the problem. the answer isn't an affair.

 

if the problems persists, then cut the f#$%in' thing off. that's how responsible adults solve their problems; not by jumping into the sack

with someone else.

[Phoe]

Yes, exactly what's stated above!

 

Think hard about your current relationship and whether you can see yourself with your current girlfriend for the rest of your life. Is your current lapse of happiness just a natural bad time that everyone goes through, or is it an indicator of incompatibility and the need to end it?

 

The other girl really really should not be much of a factor at all. If you leave your current gf and end up with this new girl you like, then yay! but it should not be your main reason. The main reason you break up with your current gf is simply because there is no reason to continue on in a relationship that is going nowhere. When you reach a certain point in a relationship, if you realize there's no way that you can see yourself with them for the rest of your life, then it should be ended. It should never be drawn out.

 

I hope no matter what, that whoever you are with makes you happy. Whether that's your current girl, the new girl you like, or someone completely different down the line.

[FEWCB]

Thanks everyone. No, I've never cheated and its exactly because I'm having these feelings for this other girl that I feel so bad. I don't think my GF is cheating. She has always had mainly guy friends, she has always hung out with them, cooked for them, helped them with stuff, but i doubt seriously she is cheating. Shes just become so so negative lately and i just love love love how full of life, positive and interesting this other girl is

[wannabdone]

Thanks everyone. No, I've never cheated and its exactly because I'm having these feelings for this other girl that I feel so bad. I don't think my GF is cheating. She has always had mainly guy friends, she has always hung out with them, cooked for them, helped them with stuff, but i doubt seriously she is cheating. Shes just become so so negative lately and i just love love love how full of life, positive and interesting this other girl is

 

Lets be real.... dating is a precursor to M. You date ppl to see if you are or aren't compatable. The honeymoon phase of a relationship wears off, things change, people matture, and people drift apart. Or while you date, you become closer, you grow to love the person more than you ever knew, they fullfill you and you them. Option 1 happens: you break up, it didn't work out for you, you take what you learned from it, and you move on to the next stage in life. Option 2 happens: You ask them to M you and you spend the rest of your life with someone who you love unconditionally.

 

YOU ARE DATING. There is nothing set in stone, and this is why we date...to get to the point that is set in stone. If you are realizing that there is a MAJOR thing about your GF that you can't live with...Break up with her. If she is too negative, then this is who she is, and you don't like it. That is okay. Its life. There are people who are more negative than others, and vice versa. There is someone out there who would probably love and appreciate her more negative side, but you don't.

 

I guess I do not understand why if your finding such a huge character difference between you and your girlfriend, and you are not married, and you already find yourself attracted to another female, and you love the way this other female is (and you make it a point to clarify its the opposite of your GF).... why it isn't clear that you are not with the one who is right for you????

 

Please, please, please.... don't settle. Settling in M's is a HUGE reason why you see so many ppl on this site, and a HUGE reason for divorce.

[Owl]

I gotta agree...you're not married.

 

So if this relationship isn't working out...end it.

 

No divorce required, no kids to be hurt...chalk it up as a learning experience and move on.

 

It saves your GF from further pain down the road if you DO pursue a relationship with someone else...

 

Always end the current relationship BEFORE starting a new one.

 

Simple rule, and prevents a whole screaming ton of pain.

[Artie Lang]

^how is he being honest when he's hiding "feelings" for someone else from his GF???