Online EA Over, and I'm devastated

[SoLostRightNow]

Hi. My relationship with a MM just ended. I am a MW. Our relationship was entirely online (email, facebook, and an MMO game, where it started) and on the phone. We never met. It was only 4 weeks. Yet somehow I felt like the relationship was on fast forward the whole time. It started when he saw my pictures on facebook, and started hitting on me hard and fast in game. I loved it. I loved being irresistible. It was completely exhilirating. I tried to convince myself and him that it was just a game, but failed miserably. We started talking on the phone nearly every day. I have never met someone that I connected with so completely. We love so many of the same things. He fell madly passionately in love with me and I followed suit soon after. I still don’t think I love him quite as much as he loves me, but that’s another discussion. He told his wife, and he moved out. They have seven children. Oh, and he is old enough to be my father. Somehow none of that mattered. We talked about meeting, but I don’t know if I ever would have been able to go through it. The fantasy was so good I think I was afraid the reality could never live up. He did not feel the same and would have met any time, any place. However, he told me he was happy with what we had. He knew I would never leave my husband for him, and was ok with that. He told me I was a bright spot in his life, that I made him deliriously happy, and that I gave him CPR when he felt like he would never live again.

 

I felt so guilty for what I was doing to my husband, and to his wife and children, and we tried to break it off once. That failed when he told his wife about me (the irony). She absolutely hates me, and has threatened to try and ruin my professional life. He told me they had been separated before, and that it wasn’t my fault, that he hasn’t loved her for years. And, as I said, he actually did leave her. Lived with his mom for a week, then moved into an apartment.

 

We talked for hours and hours. In type chat, we had explicit conversations. In voice, we didn’t, but it meant just as much. I hid it all from my husband. My H knew MM, in game and in facebook, but never suspected.

 

And then my H found out. He read my online journal which I stupidly left signed on. I still am not regretful of the affair, only that my husband had to find out. He was devastated. I knew he would be. I told MM several times that if my husband ever found out it was over. I called MM one last time and broke it off. That was 4 days ago.

 

The only thing I want to do more than talk to MM is to stay with my H. I love my H so much and could not bear to lose him. I hoped I could keep the two of them separate and keep both of them, but now that’s impossible.

 

I am heartbroken.

 

There is a part of me that knows it would have never worked. The age difference, the kids, the fact that really I don’t even like sex that much. Somehow it was more exciting to read it and say it than it ever is to actually do it. I had some of the best sex of my life with my H after chatting explicitly with MM. It’s sick I know.

 

On top of it all, we were friends. Closer friends than it seems like 4 weeks would have made possible. I wish so much I could have him just as a friend. What hurts the most is that I will never know how he is, if he is happy, what happens with him and his wife and his kids. Well, I may know, because his wife keeps a blog (which I have now read all seven years of). I guess that is a little comforting. It’s like quantum physics though... I can’t observe it without changing it. MM told me in our last conversation that if I ever left H, MM would be there for me. And I know I can’t contact him unless that is the case. I have torn up his heart enough.

 

I know I can’t keep my husband and keep MM too. I have promised my husband loyalty, and honesty, and I will not betray him again because it scares me silly to think of losing him.

 

Honesty hurts him so much though. I have told H I am in mourning for MM and I know that hurts him more than anything. Well, maybe not more than the fact that I lied to him.

 

I had to tell our guild leaders in game. It is a rather cooperative game and when I caused the loss of one of our top members H demanded that I give them an explanation. Which actually works out since now I have someone to talk to. One woman in particular who I have know a long time and is somewhat of a maternal figure to me has been really helpful.

 

At least I have somewhat of a support system. MM has none. His wife is utterly disgusted with him. I want so much for him to have someone to talk to but I know it can’t be me. It can’t ****ing ever be me.

 

And that hurts so much.

 

There is so much that we never talked about and never did because we thought we had TIME. He was writing me a love letter and I regret so much I never got to see it. He has a lovely singing voice and I only got to hear it a few times. I missed so much and now I will never ever get it.

 

And then there is what I am doing to my husband. I did not come clean. I was discovered. And I do not regret it. My times with MM were some of the most beautiful in my life. But I want my husband more than I want him. And I will do whatever I have to to keep my husband.

 

I am a married woman, and I am on day 4 of withdrawal from my drug. My drug, who is still living and breathing and existing, but not for me.

 

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for. I have written pages and pages to myself but I guess I wanted someone else to read it.

[whichwayisup]

You got caught up in the fantasy of it all. Sure you knew him on some level, but it was all based on fun feelings, selfish desires - Not 'real life'. Meaning, you didn't know what made him tick..you only saw the good stuff. Never the bad stuff, day in and day out routine. You don't know him (and he doesn't know you) on so many other levels. Yeah you talked, got intimate and close online, your feelings grew based on the little you knew about him and how he made you feel. Four weeks of intense conversations and fun. I get your pain, but in time when you take a giant step back, you'll see how very damaging this truly is and I do hope you feel some regret. It caused you pain, but it turned your husband's life upside down. All that trust and faith now he once had in you is gone.

 

Hope you and your H can salvage things and get to marriage counseling. Is he willing to give you a chance to make it right again?

 

You also would benefit from talking to the MC on your own, last person who wants to hear how much you miss and love your exMM is your husband.

[Owl]

Interesting. I'd personally suggest that you post a thread on the infidelity section of this site.

 

So...here's my question.

 

What are you doing to save your marriage?

 

You don't regret the affair, but you don't want to lose your H. I get that...you should do a search for threads I started way back when. I could be your H...very, very similar story to mine and many others I've read here on LS and other sites.

 

MMORPGs are common starting grounds for this kinds of stuff.

 

So...what have you done to fix things? Stopped playing the game, at least for now? Given your H full access to all of your computer/phone communications so that he can see you're no longer in contact with OM? Started individual and marriage counseling?

 

I'll tell you what I told my wife.

 

You're not in love (nor mourning the loss of) with the OM. You're in love with your PERCEPTION of the OM. You're mourning the loss of the fantasy you had of being with him.

 

That's much harder for your H to fight than the reality of another person. Trust me.

 

So...you need to remove OM from your life, completely and totally. You need to stop worrying about him and what's going on in his life...you need to focus on your OWN marriage and life before you lose BOTH men...it's a real possibility.

[sleepie]

Well, Pierre can be harsh in his delivery, but honestly, I think he's spot on. Believe me, I was a MOW cake-eater, too. If you really want your M to work and you want to prevent this from happening again, it's very important to recognize this about yourself. A deep self-analysis can really help you uncover the personality nuances that leads to engaging in an A.

 

I also agree with Owl: focus on your M if that's what you want.

 

Now, I understand where you are. EAs can feel so intense that it doesn't matter if they last 4 weeks or 4 years. Actually, ending an EA in the early stages may be harder in a way, because the feelings are so intense at that time.

 

Anyway, despite my deep and abiding love for my H, I went through a mourning period, too. An ugly one. It's normal. It's natural. And it's necessary. Everyone handles this time differently. Some fall into depression. Some get angry. Some go into denial. I think we all go through the stages of grief to a certain extent.

 

But here's the thing (and this is what finally snapped me out of my mourning and back to real life): Your mourning only further damages your marriage. So do whatever you need to do to get through it as quickly and quietly as possible. If your M is what you want, then it needs to be top priority. It may be hard to act that way when you feel like your heart is breaking, but you gotta find a way to pull yourself together.

[Spark1111]

Welcome to LS! And sorry for your pain.

 

I think you need to identify what need of your's was met by an anonymous internet game player that you are now mourning the loss of this unknowm man and are at risk of losing your marriage.

 

Then, you need to express that clearly to your H after you apologize about million times.

 

Ask him to fill it. Was it fun? Was it the attention? The admiration? The flattery?

 

And then ask yourself what did you do FOR your marriage and your H to have those very same needs met.

 

What did you GIVE to GET?

 

Were you more fun, spontaneous, romantic and exciting with this person? I bet yes!

 

Figure it out, focus on your H, and do not contact this OM.

[SoLostRightNow]

Thank you all for your responses. I do not have time to post much, but here are some quick thoughts.

 

I hope I feel regret too. I do regret the pain I caused my husband. And I hope the rest will come.

 

Yes, my H is willing to let me make it right. He is so good to me and loves me, but yeah, his trust is gone.

 

I have let him have access to all my accounts, and I am trying to be very open.

 

The funny thing is, I am generally a very self-confident person. I never thought I needed validation from anyone else. My husband is very loving and caring, if not particularly exciting.

 

And Pierre, a lot of your points were spot on, but I never said I wasn't in love with my husband. The whole problem was that I honestly believed I was in love with them both. And I naturally typed that in past tense. Progress?

 

Yes, I know it was cake eating. I never ever planned to leave H for OM.

 

As for what we have done to fix it:

- no contact with OM, at all

- trying to talk about what made me want it. The problem with this is that right now, everything about it that I liked is so tied into OM that it just makes me think of him whenever H tries.

- still playing game.... I think OM has stopped playing it, and anyway, H has my acct info (he always did, actually). It is something we have enjoyed for a couple years together, and I don't think it is really the problem.

- trying to act normal (mine, mostly, because yeah I get that whining to H about OM isn't helping)

- counseling.... not at the moment. I am just not sure it will help to rehash through it all. And I know H wants it over and done with and not to think about it. It is a possibility though.

[SoLostRightNow]

Oh, and should H have login info for this site? ATM he does not know it exists.

[2sunny]

Get counseling.

 

You obviously were missing an intimate connection in your M - if YOU can't create what you need in the M - then you should leave your H so he can find a gal that will honor and respect him.

 

If you are thinking so much of yourself - how could you possibly be thinking of how your H must be feeling/hurt by what YOU did to him?

 

IF you're not willing to REPAIR the damage you caused - you should let him go.

[Owl]

Take it from someone who has been there...

 

Your H's hopes that this will all go away quickly are in VAIN.

 

It takes YEARS to recover a marriage from infidelity. It took my marriage about two years, and we did everything RIGHT.

 

Rug sweeping all of this, pretending it's all back to normal, like it never happened...will only cause the underlying problems to fester, and I can honestly say that it's probably the best way I can see to either end up in a horrible marriage or divorced within the next few years.

 

You need to ADDRESS the problems. Talk about it. Find out what it was that caused you to let this happen. Poor boundaries? Not getting some specific emotional needs met? H needs to understand what all went on, why, and what all you're truly asking him to forgive you for. You need to demonstrate to him over a considerable period of time that you're now trustworthy...where you clearly were not before. He needs to see that, to verify that...or he'll never rebuild his trust in you.

 

That's where counseling comes in. A neutral 3rd party can help you work through all of this painful stuff without tearing each other apart.

 

How he regains his trust in you while triggering everyday seeing you in game and/or being in game himself and wondering if he'll see OM on there I don't know. It's certainly not how my marriage recovered.

 

But it's up to you.

[SoLostRightNow]

The reason for having affairs are many and they go from pathologic philandering narcissism to a nice man or woman that is in a good marriage spending too much time with someone else.

 

Why do you think so many affairs start at the work place? The work conditions put men and women together on a daily basis with common goals and aspirations.

 

The Internet seems to be as good as the work place for generating affairs because it puts men and women together even if they are not face to face.

 

What is surprising is your intense love for this man. Most folks in affairs fall that deep in love after a physical connection is established. Perhaps, you are a person that has not been hardened by multiple relationship failures.

 

Your longing for OM will banish in a few months if you go into strict NC.

 

Your H may trust you again in a few years if you are like an open book at all times.

 

Use this opportunity to have post d-day sex. It can be quite intense and will bring your H close to you.

 

 

Yep. H and I were childhood sweethearts. I dated a couple other men, but never really fell in love with them. H and I got married young (20, 22), and were completely, totally, naive. We have been married 6 years, fyi.

 

Another thing that may or may not have contributed is that I have completely lost my faith in God over the last few months. We were both very religious when we got married and I think a part of him feels like he doesn't know me because of that.

 

Post D-Day sex, yeah, been there done that. Makes him feel better, I know. Me, meh, sex. Always enjoyed reading about it more than actually doing it.

[SoLostRightNow]

Wow, Owl. I went back and read some of your old posts. I really am a lot like your wife. EQ2, even. And you sound a lot like my husband, though he didn't break anything when he found out. Probably would have been good for him if he had. We were even talking about the 3 of us meeting. Psychotic I know. And my exMM didn't try to get me to come to him. He is only 7 hours away by car so it would have been way too easy. There was a part of me that wanted to ask what your wife wanted, if I could just go and see if it would work. Even in the midst of ending it I knew that was insanity though. MM actually was the one that made me end our final conversation.

 

Reading your posts pushed me more toward regretting it all, Owl.

 

I am not sure what to do about the game. There is so much about it H and I enjoy TOGETHER. We are both officers in a rather serious raiding guild (oh, and so was MM). As I said it seems like MM may have stopped playing, but I know him too well to think he has stopped for long. But so much of our contact was over facebook and the phone. If I really wanted to contact him, the game or lack of a game isn't going to stop me.

 

But yeah, counseling is probably going to happen at some point. And yeah, Pierre, you are right.

 

We are trying to keep it from being taboo. We have talked about it every day since it happened.

 

I just feel like the last few weeks was just NOT ME. I never thought I would be susceptible to this. Never imagined I would be able to fall in love with someone not my husband. Never thought I could lie to him in the way I did.

[veryhappy]

I will admit I'm one to roll my eyes when I hear of EA, so full disclosure on my bias.

 

You are in la la la land, for whatever reason. Online games are a way to escape from the real world, because you seem to be heavily involved an not continuing playing is a problem in itself. Your 4 week long thing is just another symptom of what you are trying to cover by playing games.

 

Real, PA, yearlong As are full of illusions. Your one month old, never seen this guy in person was as real as the games you play. Just smoke. The question is why are you falling so hard so quickly for nothing? Why have you lost your sense of reality completely?

[Spark1111]

many a psychological and infidelity expert now exert that an EA can even be more detrimental to a marriage than some PAs.

 

Why? Because as long as there is no PA, the betrayer feels justified that they are still loyal to the marriage and tend to not be as remorseful. See? I'm still innocent because we haven't kissed, let alone had sex.

 

Often they do not realize, nor feel guilty about what they are doing. Yet, in retrospect and with NC firmly in place, over TIME they realize what they were investing in texts, emails, games, chat rooms.....countless hours in front of a computer screen that rightly belonged to their spouse and their marriage.

 

In its very passivity, it is very, very insidiously detrimental to the marital relationship.

[veryhappy]

My attitude to EAs is not that they're not real or detrimental. They obviously are.

 

It just baffles me why people get caught up in the smoke. There's nothing real over something at the end of two computers. At least when you talk to somebody in person, and touch that person and kiss that person, it is real in real life.

 

It doesn't matter that I just don't understand why people go along with it. It must be that I'm the type of person who prefers face to face interaction.

[Owl]

Wow, Owl. I went back and read some of your old posts. I really am a lot like your wife. EQ2, even. And you sound a lot like my husband, though he didn't break anything when he found out. Probably would have been good for him if he had. We were even talking about the 3 of us meeting. Psychotic I know. And my exMM didn't try to get me to come to him. He is only 7 hours away by car so it would have been way too easy. There was a part of me that wanted to ask what your wife wanted, if I could just go and see if it would work. Even in the midst of ending it I knew that was insanity though. MM actually was the one that made me end our final conversation.

 

Reading your posts pushed me more toward regretting it all, Owl.

 

Well, there is good news. My wife and I did reconcile our marriage. It wasn't easy...it took a lot of work, and a year of MC to get there.

 

I am not sure what to do about the game. There is so much about it H and I enjoy TOGETHER. We are both officers in a rather serious raiding guild (oh, and so was MM). As I said it seems like MM may have stopped playing, but I know him too well to think he has stopped for long. But so much of our contact was over facebook and the phone. If I really wanted to contact him, the game or lack of a game isn't going to stop me.

 

But yeah, counseling is probably going to happen at some point. And yeah, Pierre, you are right.

 

We are trying to keep it from being taboo. We have talked about it every day since it happened.

 

I just feel like the last few weeks was just NOT ME. I never thought I would be susceptible to this. Never imagined I would be able to fall in love with someone not my husband. Never thought I could lie to him in the way I did.

 

We were both officers in a raiding guild too. At first my wife didnt want to quit...but I could not take the daily reminders and triggers. My wife realized that our marriage HAD to be more important than the game, or our guild friends.

 

I dont see how you can recover your marriage while keeping the game...at least right now. Later, it might be possible, but right now your focus needs to change.

 

Thats my take. I wish you the best.