yoga Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I've been dating a guy for almost a year now. We were childhood friends, lost contact and then after both going through divorces, made contact again and fell in love. Although we don't live close, we are able to fly and see each other other weekend. Over the last few months, I have more and more realized that it is not working out for so many reasons. He has completely changed himself in order to please me. I see few remnants of his old self, because any time I express an opinion, he takes on that same opinion because he forsees differences as a threat. I am realizing that he and I are really just too different (when he is himself) and that he is not what I am looking for. I sense that he is lonely and desperate after the fall-out from his divorce, but that he thinks that he is completely and madly in love with me. We text throughout the day and skype every night. He tells me all the time how he misses me and can't wait until we can be married (we are not engaged). He is coming to visit in a couple of weeks. I'm wondering if I should break it off before then so that he doesn't have to go on an airplane ride after a break-up and so that he can express his emotions without me around? Or is it better to wait for his next visit and do it in person? He is also wanting to purchase plane tickets for future visits and I am struggling in finding ways to put that off. One last factor is that next week is his birthday (before his visit). I hate to ruin his birthday with this, too. Really, really looking for advice. TIA!
justwhoiam Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Terrible. Don't pretend you love him, if you don't, and on his birthday! That's awful. You don't want to be a fake person, do you? Because that's what you will look like. Do you think he's too needy? Could that be among the reasons why you fell out of love? Don't treat him poorly. You wouldn't like being in his shoes. You could just let him know how you feel and you can talk more about that when he visits you. Or he might decide not to come at all.
gamman Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Ugh. I'd just break it off now by phone/skype. In regular relationships, I would never say to do this -- always break up face to face -- but LDRs are different. Don't waste HIS time, money, etc, and then make him travel back home broken hearted. If you're sure you want to break up, it's time to have the conversation now. Not after he's spent hundreds on a plane ticket, taken time off work or other commitments, and spent time packing, flying etc. 2
Author yoga Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 Thanks for the replies. justwhoiam - I don't want to pretend to love him. Of course not. But falling out of love is gradual. I didn't just wake up one day and figure it out. I've been over time trying to make sense of what has been shifting. He is definitely needy, and that is coming out more and more. gamman - The tickets for the next trip are already purchased and he would have had off work anyway. Fortunately it was me who paid for them. But, I think you're right. Better to not make him get back on a plane broken hearted. I hate this. I really don't want to hurt him.
umirano Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 yoga, it's always a bad time and both options have their downsides. In 2-3 months it doesn't really matter anymore which option you went for. And in the short run he will be upset about it either way. I guess I'd tell him right now, but offer to meet him anyway if he still wants to.
HeavenOrHell Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 I wouldn't want to meet up with my partner if he was going to break up with me, and there was no way back, because if I was going to visit him I would be looking forward to it and it would be a massive slap in the face. I'd rather be told over the phone or skype. 1
Recommended Posts