Not sure where I'm standing currently.

[GlassParasol]

Hey all.

 

So I posted a thread about a week ago on my ex, who was an emotionally unavailable guy pretty much. He broke up with me using quite a number of excuses and then has just cut me out of his life completely (although I have done the same to him.), after giving a load of BS that we'd remain friends and implying that I meant a lot to him. I didn't fully believe it at the time, but I get angry that he didn't just have the balls to say 'look, I'm not interested/can't do this/etc.'

 

I was pleased to hear from geegirl on my topic, who talked much sense and really helped put things into perspective for me - and I'm also glad to hear that they think I'm doing well considering everything.

 

In a lot of ways, I truly do feel like I am beginning to move on. I've felt a little happier lately (like there's now a barrier that's stopping me from getting completely to rock bottom again) and realised that these past two mornings, I've woken up and he hasn't been the first thing on my mind, which I'm immensely proud of - hopefully that'll show that gradually he'll slip out of my more conscious thoughts eventually.

 

I just...I do still feel saddened a lot. I have this sort of 'hole' inside of my chest, which is really where my emotions are contained. I'm still having trouble getting over WHY he did certain things in our short-lived relationship...but mainly how he can jump from one extreme to another (i.e. wanting the relationship, then ignoring me for three weeks, then taking to me a party and being so affectionate ...then dumping me not even a week later.) I just don't understand how someone can have such a radical mind-change - I don't find it normal at all.

 

I saw him today for all of five seconds as I was going to class - it doesn't affect me long-term, but it still sets me back when I see him - particularly knowing that he likely doesn't miss anything we had together and also knowing how he bad-mouthed me a month afterwards in a fit of anger to a friend. :/ Certain places trigger it also - mainly where we used to meet, where our first real date was, where he ended it...

 

I hate to say it, but I do still miss him, well, who I believed he was - and this is the second problem. I'm not sure it's just HIM I miss - when I think about it, I miss having someone who wanted me there and thought a lot about me. When I think about it, I don't focus on him or how he was as much in terms of personality when everything was good between us (I realise now that he was either quite self-centred or self-obsessed too). Mainly I see my own feelings, then a basic on what attracted me to him in the first place (interesting person, attractiveness).

 

Does any of what I'm describing above sound familiar to anyone?

Edited October 11, 2012 by GlassParasol

[loveunlimited]

Yes, of course, it's called 'grieving' and it happens even with someone who has 'died' in your heart but is still very much alive, it's very common; give yourself time, acknowledge the feelings, by all means go through the process let yourself feel sad but also give yourself permission to move on; you don't want to be standing at the graveside of this relationship for too long do you. No flowers please, rather treat yourself to a brand new hairdo and manicure. you know you deserve it!

[geegirl]

and realised that these past two mornings, I've woken up and he hasn't been the first thing on my mind, which I'm immensely proud of - hopefully that'll show that gradually he'll slip out of my more conscious thoughts eventually.

 

This is when I knew I was making strides in detaching and healing. This was one of the biggest signs to me. It felt liberating.

 

It's normal to feel sadness. There is a reason why they say that the loss felt during a break-up is equivalent to the loss you feel when experiencing the death of a loved one. It's the grieving process. He filled your heart and mind at one point and now he is gone and you have an emotional void in your soul. But as you move on and as you start to live your life outside of him, you will fill that void and slowly find yourself feeling whole again. It takes time but you are doing all the right things to get there.

 

I had a lot of trouble piecing things together after my break-up. The thing is, we will never find the rationale as to why they did the things they did. What we do know is that inconsistency is a red flag. We do know that their actions made us feel bad. When they are radical in that one day they love you and the next they cheat (my ex), how would we ever resolve what does not dictate normal behavior? If you and I are not of the same make as these guys, how do we ever make sense of what is complete opposite of us or the complete opposite of what we define as normal? We can't and we don't. We accept that it's beyond our control and we try to let it go.

 

I used to see my ex, and a few times with other women and sometimes on his own and it would send a jolt and make my heart race but it would settle down after awhile. It's normal to react to what has affected you so painfully and deeply. I wouldn't call it a set back but more so a stumble. It's not going to go away overnight and it will take time for you to get to a stage of indifference. I see my ex now and I feel nothing. Remember where you were after the break-up and where you are now. See the difference. Now imagine investing that same amount of time from this point forward. You'll be so far ahead!

 

I wondered if I missed him or missed having someone in my life. When I really put my mind to it, what was I really missing from the man? In the beginning, I can tell you it was great. I missed that but then again, if he changed, then none of that was real. When his non-committal issues, mood swings and cheating surfaced, there was really not much of anything to miss. But I clung on because I needed that crutch. It's when I was able to see him for who he truly was is when I realized that I missed the need to be loved, the affection and the attention and it was never really about him.

Edited October 11, 2012 by geegirl

[GlassParasol]

Yes, of course, it's called 'grieving' and it happens even with someone who has 'died' in your heart but is still very much alive, it's very common; give yourself time, acknowledge the feelings, by all means go through the process let yourself feel sad but also give yourself permission to move on; you don't want to be standing at the graveside of this relationship for too long do you. No flowers please, rather treat yourself to a brand new hairdo and manicure. you know you deserve it!

 

Yes, I guess it's just a part of the process towards healing. Sometimes I don't think I let my feelings through enough - I should just ride it out when they appear, so at least I'm letting them out. No, I definitely don't want to be grieving over my ex for too long. Haha, I think I'll do just those things - it really is about looking after yourself and making sure you get back on track. Thank you for your response.

 

This is when I knew I was making strides in detaching and healing. This was one of the biggest signs to me. It felt liberating.

 

It feels really good to me too. The best part is I've kept on either not waking up thinking about him, or having dreams where I'm doing something without him creeping in as much. It does appear to be as if my brain is saying "You're not fully there yet, but you ARE moving on. You'll get there, soon. Keep going."

 

It's normal to feel sadness. There is a reason why they say that the loss felt during a break-up is equivalent to the loss you feel when experiencing the death of a loved one. It's the grieving process. He filled your heart and mind at one point and now he is gone and you have an emotional void in your soul. But as you move on and as you start to live your life outside of him, you will fill that void and slowly find yourself feeling whole again. It takes time but you are doing all the right things to get there.

 

I agree. I think I find it difficult to consider having someone in my life who meant the world to me, and now we couldn't be further apart. Mainly that he could just switch those feelings like that. I am glad I'm doing things right, and I do feel a lot better than I did even two weeks ago, so I am aware that slowly I can be move on and eventually he won't cross my mind at all.

 

I had a lot of trouble piecing things together after my break-up. The thing is, we will never find the rationale as to why they did the things they did. What we do know is that inconsistency is a red flag. We do know that their actions made us feel bad. When they are radical in that one day they love you and the next they cheat (my ex), how would we ever resolve what does not dictate normal behavior? If you and I are not of the same make as these guys, how do we ever make sense of what is complete opposite of us or the complete opposite of what we define as normal? We can't and we don't. We accept that it's beyond our control and we try to let it go.

 

That's my main problem in getting through this - I just want answers. It strange how we broke up in person, but I still got the amount of answers I would've if I'd have let him just continue to ignore me. Yes, none of ours ex's seemed to do normal behaviour, and I'll never understand how some people are okay with turning around their attitudes towards their partners at the drop of a hat, (especially cheating!) It's not right. Yes, I would say we had a lot of differences as a couple - I was definitely more emotionally attached and involved. I do need to let it go, and eventually, along with the thoughts of him, I will.

 

I used to see my ex, and a few times with other women and sometimes on his own and it would send a jolt and make my heart race but it would settle down after awhile. It's normal to react to what has affected you so painfully and deeply. I wouldn't call it a set back but more so a stumble. It's not going to go away overnight and it will take time for you to get to a stage of indifference. I see my ex now and I feel nothing. Remember where you were after the break-up and where you are now. See the difference. Now imagine investing that same amount of time from this point forward. You'll be so far ahead!

 

That must've been awful to see at first. Fortunately, for now, I haven't had that - I only see him with friends or alone. Still, it is that jolt that gets me and mainly that he can be so casual about everything. I hope to soon feel the indifference - I think I will as I get used to seeing him more from a distance. I just act to friends as if it doesn't bother me at all right now - maybe one day I'll believe in it. You're right, I've come a long way so far and in the next months - who knows! So much better, hopefully.

 

I wondered if I missed him or missed having someone in my life. When I really put my mind to it, what was I really missing from the man? In the beginning, I can tell you it was great. I missed that but then again, if he changed, then none of that was real. When his non-committal issues, mood swings and cheating surfaced, there was really not much of anything to miss. But I clung on because I needed that crutch. It's when I was able to see him for who he truly was is when I realized that I missed the need to be loved, the affection and the attention and it was never really about him.

 

I feel almost the same - in the beginning, everything was amazing. I also don't miss our last month of the relationship, apart from that party (how he jumped from one attitude to another!) - and I think I am getting to that point - I DO miss certain things about him, but it is mainly feelings and having that closeness with someone. But I can't miss him as much as someone in a different situation might do - because that 'him' was never fully real to begin with. He just projected what he wanted me to see - in a strange way, he mirrored his initial demeanor and behaviour more like mine.

 

Thank you again for your reply. You put things in a way that makes sense of the situations. It really helps.

[brokenheart415]

Either try to put together a broken glass or just leave it alone and move on, buy another one.. we don't have all the answers and theres no way of trying to get the answers from him, trust me its best if you left it alone. Of course you miss him, your a human. Maybe he does miss you maybe he doesn't, if he doesn't then he isn't a capable of loving you. Find someone better, I'm sure you will.

[GlassParasol]

You're right there, and others have told me this too. I know it's useless wanting answers now, and of course I've no intentions of going near him/contacting him ever again at this point. I will find someone better in time, and going out with friends and doing physical activities particularly boosts my mood and confidence. I know I will get through this and each day, my feelings over him lessen.

[loveunlimited]

GlassParasol, in post #4 - I didn't write any of that.......

 

it was geegirl.