3.5 years apart! dont do it!

[lovinghearted]

I know some couples on here can make a LDR work if they want to but it's hard and no matter how much unconditional love you have for the other it can kill it unless both people are mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy and want it to work. I will tell my experience so hopefully someone else can learn from it and be spared such heartache.

 

My husband hasn't lived with me in 3.5 years really. There was a period of time when he was home like a month or so at a time from being jobless but then it was hard on us from no money. When we split up the first time not living together he had a severe reaction to a medication and flipped out. He moved out and got an apt. He decided later he didn't want a divorce but wouldn't move back in because his brain was still screwed up and he had severe issues.

 

When he finally moved back in it was because I had to move to another city in a n extra home because we lost our house. He refused to make payments when he left me. So he quite his job to move to be with us then couldn't find one. He took a job working on the road. I offered for years to sell everything we had and get a travel trailer, homeschool the kids, etc so we could be together as a family. He didn't want that and refused. He came home on average every 6 weeks. It even went as long as 3 months at a time.

 

He got to where he hardly called or texted me. He never would do much to try to keep passion alive between us even though i had plenty of suggestions and tried. He wouldn't hardly answer is phone, especially on the weekends.

 

He had at times $2,000 a month in ATMS and told me off if I asked what they were on or why he wouldn't answer his phone.I wasn't they type who called a million times a day either.

 

It got to where he would come home to visit and not even want sex. Yes, I do believe he was cheating. Even after all of that I loved him so much I knew he wasn't strong enough to handle being alone and I forgave him for all of it even though he said some very cruel things to me. The distance after him never having time for his brain to recover created a huge all between us. We talked of divorce but he would always change his mind. I thought maybe if he could find a job close it could salvage our relationship.

 

He wouldn't ever look for a job close but I did. He got the job and moved there, 2 hours away, living in our travel trailer. It's been a year. He comes home on the weekends. He wouldn't let me put the house up for sale here for a long time to make sure the job was going to work out. It's for sale now but no calls on it. He seems just fine though. He is totally happy being alone every night, playing his video games, drinking beer, and having his porn.

 

My passionate unconditional love now I question because it has died. I have some feelings for him but never like I did. He comes home and just mainly wants to party with his friends on the weekends or go fishing. I don't even like doing things with him anymore I want to do because it's not like we are really there together like a real couple. I feel a huge wall between us from becoming so disconnected over these years. I don't even know what to do to change things between us because he hasn't even cared in so long.

 

He has tried calling and telling me he loves me more lately but still when he is home he doesn't want sex or for any affection other than an occasional hug.

I feel like I am dying. I crave love and a normal relationship. I am a very passionate person and have always liked sex more than most woman and thought some man would be so thrilled to have me. Even though men flirt with me every time I leave the house I have no self esteem left. I think if our relationship was to ever have a chance at healing any chance of that went away with our LDR because all it did was make everything worse. It has ruined my emotions and mind so much I think why even divorce at this point because I will never trust any man again and he would think I am nuts if I flipped out if another husband would even travel out of town a few days and not call. I have been so miserable so long now I think I am too damaged to ever have a normal relationship again. He loves the kids in his own way and treats them great what tiny bit of attention they get from him. The kids are oblivious and happy. I am 40 now and have kind of given up on life. I only live for my kids.

 

I was so in love with him. Men, if you do have to leave for work take your family with you. If for some reason you can't call her everyday. Give her attention when you come home. That doesn't mean take her out to dinner and look at the teenage waitress's butts instead of her. Look into her eyes and tell her she is beautiful. Cuddle with her in bed and on the sofa is she wants. Don't sit across the room what little time you have together. You have a ton of time alone while out of town. Help her with the kids and treat her like she really means something to you. That doesn't mean to give her the attention you only want to give. Find out what matters to her. Don't cheat unless you agree to an open relationship. Then it's not cheating! Don't think the bad stuff you do she doesn't find out about wont affect your relationship because it will. Don't either husband or wife deny each other's physical needs.

Both people really do have to want to keep the relationship alive and work at it.

 

Don't ignore the birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries, etc while gone. If even able make a bigger deal out of it if your gone to make the person feel loved and special. And if your in a LDR relationship with someone who won't do the right things then even after communicating your needs don't hang on as long as I have.

[lovinghearted]

My great grandfather in his 90s once said to me, "When you love someone, you want to be with them where they are." So simple people may miss the deep meaning.

 

If two people really love each other they will be together and if they can't it will be as short as possible. Neither of them will ever leave the other person hurt or wondering where they stand while gone either.

[justwhoiam]

What a bad story. I'm speechless. Men can be really awful. Be patient, you'll find the light out of the tunnel, with or without him. Focus on your kids. You deserve better. I wish you all the best.

[todreaminblue]

I know some couples on here can make a LDR work if they want to but it's hard and no matter how much unconditional love you have for the other it can kill it unless both people are mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy and want it to work. I will tell my experience so hopefully someone else can learn from it and be spared such heartache.

 

My husband hasn't lived with me in 3.5 years really. There was a period of time when he was home like a month or so at a time from being jobless but then it was hard on us from no money. When we split up the first time not living together he had a severe reaction to a medication and flipped out. He moved out and got an apt. He decided later he didn't want a divorce but wouldn't move back in because his brain was still screwed up and he had severe issues.

 

When he finally moved back in it was because I had to move to another city in a n extra home because we lost our house. He refused to make payments when he left me. So he quite his job to move to be with us then couldn't find one. He took a job working on the road. I offered for years to sell everything we had and get a travel trailer, homeschool the kids, etc so we could be together as a family. He didn't want that and refused. He came home on average every 6 weeks. It even went as long as 3 months at a time.

 

He got to where he hardly called or texted me. He never would do much to try to keep passion alive between us even though i had plenty of suggestions and tried. He wouldn't hardly answer is phone, especially on the weekends.

 

He had at times $2,000 a month in ATMS and told me off if I asked what they were on or why he wouldn't answer his phone.I wasn't they type who called a million times a day either.

 

It got to where he would come home to visit and not even want sex. Yes, I do believe he was cheating. Even after all of that I loved him so much I knew he wasn't strong enough to handle being alone and I forgave him for all of it even though he said some very cruel things to me. The distance after him never having time for his brain to recover created a huge all between us. We talked of divorce but he would always change his mind. I thought maybe if he could find a job close it could salvage our relationship.

 

He wouldn't ever look for a job close but I did. He got the job and moved there, 2 hours away, living in our travel trailer. It's been a year. He comes home on the weekends. He wouldn't let me put the house up for sale here for a long time to make sure the job was going to work out. It's for sale now but no calls on it. He seems just fine though. He is totally happy being alone every night, playing his video games, drinking beer, and having his porn.

 

My passionate unconditional love now I question because it has died. I have some feelings for him but never like I did. He comes home and just mainly wants to party with his friends on the weekends or go fishing. I don't even like doing things with him anymore I want to do because it's not like we are really there together like a real couple. I feel a huge wall between us from becoming so disconnected over these years. I don't even know what to do to change things between us because he hasn't even cared in so long.

 

He has tried calling and telling me he loves me more lately but still when he is home he doesn't want sex or for any affection other than an occasional hug.

I feel like I am dying. I crave love and a normal relationship. I am a very passionate person and have always liked sex more than most woman and thought some man would be so thrilled to have me. Even though men flirt with me every time I leave the house I have no self esteem left. I think if our relationship was to ever have a chance at healing any chance of that went away with our LDR because all it did was make everything worse. It has ruined my emotions and mind so much I think why even divorce at this point because I will never trust any man again and he would think I am nuts if I flipped out if another husband would even travel out of town a few days and not call. I have been so miserable so long now I think I am too damaged to ever have a normal relationship again. He loves the kids in his own way and treats them great what tiny bit of attention they get from him. The kids are oblivious and happy. I am 40 now and have kind of given up on life. I only live for my kids.

 

I was so in love with him. Men, if you do have to leave for work take your family with you. If for some reason you can't call her everyday. Give her attention when you come home. That doesn't mean take her out to dinner and look at the teenage waitress's butts instead of her. Look into her eyes and tell her she is beautiful. Cuddle with her in bed and on the sofa is she wants. Don't sit across the room what little time you have together. You have a ton of time alone while out of town. Help her with the kids and treat her like she really means something to you. That doesn't mean to give her the attention you only want to give. Find out what matters to her. Don't cheat unless you agree to an open relationship. Then it's not cheating! Don't think the bad stuff you do she doesn't find out about wont affect your relationship because it will. Don't either husband or wife deny each other's physical needs.

Both people really do have to want to keep the relationship alive and work at it.

 

Don't ignore the birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries, etc while gone. If even able make a bigger deal out of it if your gone to make the person feel loved and special. And if your in a LDR relationship with someone who won't do the right things then even after communicating your needs don't hang on as long as I have.

 

 

LDR's are hard going......I had a similar situation for years....I have five children and i spent a lot of the time bringing up the three girls i had by myself...the two boys had more contact with my partner and they were from a previous relationship......that partner is now my ex going on six years single.......when we were in a ldr i would get extremely fit....i had trouble sleeping i had to manage everything basically by myself which i didnt complain about but it was hard and when he did visit i would ultimately end up pregnant.....and thats how it went on....so through most of my pregnancies i handled everything with morning sickness shopping schooling and no transportation i walked everywhere i would wheel full shopping trolleys back from the supermarket...normally tipped them but thats life.....got a bit hard when i was eight months pregnant though......i relocated quite a few times to have the family unit together and yes i packed up the house too.we talked on a daily basis two or three times a day sometimes more I always kept the spice alive......i nurtured that ldr....

 

in saying all this..... the physical distance and his nature killed the trust....he cheated many times....i did not ....its not my nature too and besides i was a busy girl...i am suited to handling a ldr he wasn't i had no interest in others.....i never do in a relationship and i did get offers quite a few times...i phased those guys out of my life......i was often lonely at night.....i exercised.....as i said i got extremely fit....i am getting fit again now....lol...havent felt loneliness or needing someone in a long time......and the feelings i have now are not fo rmy ex and i thank god for that one......

 

long distance is hard and not for everyone.......I understand why you were willing to move to keep the family together.....a key for ldr relationships i think is two faithful partners...not one but both....if you have fidelity the spice in the ldr can be kept running if you have trust it can go on....but not forever and not long expanses of not seeing each other or talking to each other, luckily technology makes seeing a person and talking to loved ones a world wide option...... ...people need that intimacy of actual physical presence.....skype will do for a while ....as i said not forever..and as far as families go.......families should be together forever....i have done my time ldr.....i would not choose to do it again...deb

Edited October 11, 2012 by todreaminblue