luckynlove Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I have been reading this forum for a long time and really think you all have some great advice, so I decided to post. I have been with my fiance for a year. We live together and things are great. I am very confused as to his behavior. When we first got together he was not that controlling, he would get weird sometimes when he was drinking, like accuse me of looking at other guys ect...but that was when we were dating and when he was drinking. NOW when he's drinking (not often) he is fine just goes to sleep. So that part is good. BUT now he checks my phone, doesnt want me hanging out with certain people ect... I came right out and asked him the other day if he was the type of guy that has to know where his gf is and who shes with all the time and he said yes. But then I asked if he was controlling and he said no. He is not physical. He was once when we were dating, but never since. I am confused as to why sometimes he acts so controlling, and a day later is the opposite. Makes me think its really not how he is. I dont know, I am confused. Never been in a relationship like this.
SmileFace Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 (edited) Get out! What does it matter what type of guy he says he is. He is acting controlling. Get out now. Plus he has already been physical - in the early stages of dating. Do you want someone who continues to check your phone and act as if you are at fault all the time? Be kind to yourself. Edited October 11, 2012 by SmileFace
Author luckynlove Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 I knew that would be coming. And I agree, I am better than this and deserve better. I am just "hoping" he will change I guess, since he only does it sometimes. And when he does, he doesnt ever get angry, if I dont show him my phone, he will just wait til I'm in the shower or something and look at it.
SmileFace Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I knew that would be coming. And I agree, I am better than this and deserve better. I am just "hoping" he will change I guess, since he only does it sometimes. And when he does, he doesnt ever get angry, if I dont show him my phone, he will just wait til I'm in the shower or something and look at it. Please reread this and your original message...does any of this sound healthy or ok? If a close family member wrote this about their situation with a boyfriend what you tell them?
CptObvious Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Woah I just had a vision! your head caved in... with the base of a blender... blood everywhere... alcoholic psycho gets sentenced to life in prison... 1
Author luckynlove Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 your right- I just re-read them and I sound insane. I am just in love and its hard.
Imajerk17 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 (edited) Ehh well, another woman who "can't find a better man". Hopefully you won't bring kids into your dysfunctional situation though. He already knocks you down, hopefully he won't knock you up. Edited October 11, 2012 by Imajerk17
Silly_Girl Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 your right- I just re-read them and I sound insane. I am just in love and its hard. Please can I ask - what is it you are in love with? It may help all of us to understand why leaving is such a struggle. And that's not coming from a judgemental place, I was abused for years. One phase of my healing was to remember WHY I stayed.
Ami1uwant Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 BUT now he checks my phone, doesnt want me hanging out with certain people ect... He told you he isnt comfortable with you socializing with certain people--especially exs. Do you still hang out/socialize with them? He seems like he doesnt trust you because you wont respect his wishes. Is this controlling....hard to say without knowing more details. I wouldnt consider it controlling if he didnt like you socializing with an ex. The reverse would be true too. You saw him talking with another woman who was an ex of his. Its another thing if he wants to control contact of yours in the outside world.
HeldbyGravity Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 (edited) No wonder you're confused! His words say one thing, his actions another. Keep in mind there- actions speak louder than words, as they are the Work we put into proving what we say. If we can't prove what we say through actions, we're just lying to ourselves and others. Something I read once- drunk words are often not lies. You often see the real person when they're drunk. They'll babble out their insecurities without a second thought. I can't confirm or deny this, I've never been drunk before, although I have been around people who get pretty hurtful when they do drink. And usually, they Are saying what I thought they felt, but they just left unsaid. I was going to ask if this bothers you or if you can handle it... but on second thought, I have to tell you that if he is truly controlling now, his behavior is only going to get worse over time. Like if you want to hang out with a friend without getting the third degree, EVER, for the rest of your life, you need to confront this now. And you've done the first thing you need to do- recognize a problem. A lot of folks don't get this far, and they just don't question and lead unhappy lives. It's sad! If he is just that type of person and has been so from the start, and you've just been a blind woman in love (it happens, love is quite blinding), it's not going to change unless he considers some therapy to work out his insecurities. In fact, couple's counseling may be a good option before you even consider marriage, so that these "little" things don't just lead to you being in an unhappy marriage. Don't Do That To Yourself, it's not worth seeing how long you can put up with that crap! There has got to be TRUST in any relationship, but that trust doesn't need to just be proven to be earned- it must be Freely Given, or we wrongly control and accuse those around us, undermining their dignity as a person and as a loved one. Edited October 11, 2012 by HeldbyGravity
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