SEZ Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I am dealing with a situation right now that has pushed me to give an ultimatum. He feels I am being completely unreasonable - I think my opinion is one that most people would have in this situation. Please read on and then let me know what your reaction would be and whether you think this is an acceptable situation or not. I really want to hear from both men and women... how do men feel about this one??? My bf and I have been together almost two years now. A couple of weeks ago he brought up the subject of living together and we agreed that we are ready to take that step. He has an ex girlfriend that he has remained friends with over the years. His two children enjoy seeing her and I have told him I am okay with visits, etc. that as long as he is up-front about this friendship. Last summer I found out after the fact that he had taken her on a holiday with his kids. I found this totally unacceptable - especially since he had no intention of telling me about it. He insists that this is only a friendship and there are no romantic feelings left. He also feels that there is nothing wrong with taking her on a family holiday... as it's for the kids. He has been planning to take his kids to Disneyland this winter. He confirmed that it would be him and the two kids going. There was no invitation to me and my son, which hurt a bit because it's because his kids don't want my son along - but I was prepared to deal with that and let them have their holiday. This week he texted me to fess' up that he had not been telling the full truth and that he was taking the ex gf to Disneyland. He again insists there's nothing romantic between them and that he asked her because he would like help with his kids during the trip. I am extremely hurt by this and have given him the ultimatum - cancel her ticket or we're done. I know that if he does go ahead with this I would resent him for this and that would ruin our relationship. He is sticking to his guns too because he doesn't see anything wrong with this. Everything else about our relationship is wonderful - but I can't get past this situation. Am I being unreasonable? The big question here is - how would you feel? Do you find this acceptable?
Imajerk17 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 (edited) Lemme get this straight: He is still going on vacations with his ex-girlfriend behind your back, and the best alibi he could come up is that your kids and his don't get along?? To be honest, I'm actually not positive what is worse here, him leaving you at home because he'd rather go with his ex-girlfriend, or him leaving you at home because his sons don't want you and your son to come. They are both totally unacceptable. Are you *sure* you and he are ready to move in? You would be unreasonable if you stayed with this guy. This relationship was over a long time ago. Whether anything physical happened between him and his ex is irrelevant. He has been putting someone elses' feelings before yours. Edited October 11, 2012 by Imajerk17
oaks Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I am extremely hurt by this and have given him the ultimatum - cancel her ticket or we're done. I know that if he does go ahead with this I would resent him for this and that would ruin our relationship. He is sticking to his guns too because he doesn't see anything wrong with this. no no no. You've not quite understood what an ultimatum is, especially since the ultimatum is "... or we're done." What you should've written is "if he does go ahead with this then I'm dumping him" And you should. 1
Chocolat Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Something's rotten in Denmark. I am not usually one to jump to the worst conclusion about a situation but this one has me screaming and pointing to the exit doors. How are you and your bf going to successfully live together when 1. He is emotionally and likely physically still involved with his ex 2. His children dislike your son so much you can't go on vacation with them (will these children all be living together) 3. Your bf is not honest with your about his actions, feelings, or intentions You don't need an ultimatum. You just need to leave.
Author SEZ Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Thanks for your responses. I have one more question to ask ..... What is your opinion of the same scenario, but the person invited on the trip was a long-time female friend with no history of or interest in a romantic or sexual relationship for either of them?
Imajerk17 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Thanks for your responses. I have one more question to ask ..... What is your opinion of the same scenario, but the person invited on the trip was a long-time female friend with no history of or interest in a romantic or sexual relationship for either of them? It's still wrong. He is putting someone else's feelings before your (very reasonable) feelings.
Balzac Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I'm going to interpret "needs help w kids" to mean his two children are youngsters. Is it possible that this woman is/was a housekeeper or that combined w nanny? That's how your story reads to me. It does not define whether there was a sexual relationship btwn them. I'm unclear on the proposed time line of these trips as to prior cohabitation? Final Q, how old is your son?
liquid_amber Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Last summer I found out after the fact that he had taken her on a holiday with his kids. I found this totally unacceptable - especially since he had no intention of telling me about it. He insists that this is only a friendship and there are no romantic feelings left. He also feels that there is nothing wrong with taking her on a family holiday... as it's for the kids. where did you think he was going when he went on this vacation? did he lie to you and tell you he was going somewhere else when he was really going on vacation with his ex?
nessaaa Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 You are blind, girl. That man is having his cake and eating it too. I hate him.
Author SEZ Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 I'm going to interpret "needs help w kids" to mean his two children are youngsters. Is it possible that this woman is/was a housekeeper or that combined w nanny? That's how your story reads to me. It does not define whether there was a sexual relationship btwn them. I'm unclear on the proposed time line of these trips as to prior cohabitation? Final Q, how old is your son? His children are 6 and 10. My son is 8. He dated this lady after his marriage ended and yes they did have a sexual relationship but they did not live together.
Author SEZ Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 where did you think he was going when he went on this vacation? did he lie to you and tell you he was going somewhere else when he was really going on vacation with his ex? The first time this happened was last summer. We had been camping together for a week. For the second week of holidays he took his children on a sightseeing trip several hours from here. He told me that he thought two weeks would be too much time together for the kids. When I found out about him taking his ex and confronted him he apologized and agreed not to do it again, but he said he didn't see anything wrong with it as they were only friends now.
Author SEZ Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 The first time this happened was last summer. We had been camping together for a week. For the second week of holidays he took his children on a sightseeing trip several hours from here. He told me that he thought two weeks would be too much time together for the kids. When I found out about him taking his ex and confronted him he apologized and agreed not to do it again, but he said he didn't see anything wrong with it as they were only friends now. This trip to Disneyland has been planned for some time, but I don't think he booked the tickets until fairly recently. He told me about it on Monday, by text, because he's meeting her tonight to discuss the itinerary before he comes over to my place.
Author SEZ Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 The reason I posted my questions here is that I want opinions from people who are not close to either of us; an independent survey so to speak to see how others would feel about the situation. He insists that there is nothing wrong with taking a friend on a vacation.
HeldbyGravity Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 (edited) The reason I posted my questions here is that I want opinions from people who are not close to either of us; an independent survey so to speak to see how others would feel about the situation. He insists that there is nothing wrong with taking a friend on a vacation. Yeah, a friend. Problem is, this isn't JUST a "friend"- this is a person of the opposite sex, who he had kids with. I can see it as acceptable to spend a weekend doing something little together, I know divorced folks who do that to spend time with their kids, and to show them that mommy and daddy don't have to hate each other. This is Disney though- this isn't a day at the park with her. But more than that, his first instinct is still to lie to you about where he is going. That doesn't raise a red flag with you? You're a strong woman, stick to your guns. Don't let your fear of losing him destroy your self dignity. Edited October 12, 2012 by HeldbyGravity
FitChick Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Doesn't he have any male friends, cousins, relatives who could help him with the kids? If he happened to take an out of the closet lesbian, that might be okay. Why don't you forget about dating until your kids are teenagers and can fend for themselves if you and a boyfriend go away for a few days?
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