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Posted (edited)

I have been with my boyfriend for five years. it all started great and then its been 2 years of bad. I have 3 kids and only the youngest is his. Im 25 and he's 28. everytime I want to talk to him about things that bother me he blocks me out. He wont look at me and gives me the silent treatment. I have cryed in front of him many times and he wont show one sighn of concern for me he even closes his eyes and crosses his arms.

 

I have many time told him that maybe it would be for the best if we split up, he says "fine but just remember that your making the choice not me". I feel like he wants for others to see him like the victim thats why he wants it all to be on me if we break up. I dont know why I stay, He not the best person with my kids. He does show he cares for them but when it comes to punishing them he goes to the extream. my son is 8 and my daughter is 6, he yells very hard and mean to them when they do something bad.My kids do not like him, my son has even told me that when im not home he stays outside until i get back so he doesnt have to see his step dad.

 

That is always one big issue in our fights. I hate his way of trying to get them to understand but they are little they dont know what they do is wrong. I do believe in time outs and grounding but he keeps yelling at them sometimes that I jump in and tell him to back off. he gets mad and tells me that i defend them too much but he doesnt understand that they are all my kids and it breaks my heart.

 

He never interacts with them at all. its been 5 years that he has been in their lives and nothing. he never plays ball or games with them.

 

I always end up apolagizing for everyhting just to make peace. He even tells me many times that he blocks out all his emotions because his ex girlfriend cheated on him and he doesnt want to get hurt. its been 6 years of that and he cant let it go?

 

Iv'e asked him if he even cares if we break up and he bluntly said "I dont give a F*ck". he even tells me to say that so i dont get hurt. He never makes an effort to do something special for me. Im scared that if i leave he wont come after me? but why would I want him too? I love him and try to make things work but its hard when your fighting for something by yourself when it takes two.

Sorry this is so long and any advice will help....

Edited by confusionlady
Posted

I think you need to get out of there along with your kids. I wouldn't trust that kind of guy alone with my child. (I don't have a child, but I have heard too many horror stories.) Please take your children and you to a good women's shelter and please get help.

 

You are online... find a women's shelter near you that can help you.

 

It's not good to put yourself and your children in this situation. This man does not love you. Love = action, not just feelings. Please get help to get away. You don't deserve to be treated like this, and I worry for your kids.

 

I understand you love him but sadly, love is not enough. Love does not make a man who has issues to love you back how you deserve to be loved. What you need to do is be strong and get help. Get away from him with your kids and concentrate on taking care of them and yourself.

 

Hopefully he will wake up and start treating you and the kids right. However, even if he doesn't, you need to protect your children. Do you want your children to grow up and your son to act like him or your daughter to be treated like this guy is treating you? I hope not. Please get help for the wellbeing of you and your children. Get out. If he truly loves you, he will work on himself to be a wonderful man for you and a wonderful father or role model for the kids. That is what you and they need from him. Just helplessly staying there and allowing him to be harsh with your children is not helping anything.

  • Like 1
Posted

Your kids don't like him. Does that also include the one that is his? Does he yell at all of them or just the two older ones? Are there other areas of his life that he finds frustrating, such as his job/finances? Does he work to support you while you are at home taking care of the kids?

 

I have to admit that while his shouting and emotional distance can be bad - I am not sure his behaviour falls squarely into the "leave him now" category. In a lot of households, I've come across dad shouting and being emotionally distant from mum seems pretty typical.

 

However, I'm not in your situation and being faced with it every day, so I'm going to lean towards caution and trust that you are having a bad time of it.

 

I'd advise you to stop suggesting/threatening to leave him but actually follow-through. It sounds like he's heard it so many times now that he doesn't put much stock in it when you say it. Thus his attitude that he doesn't care - which you don't want to hear. Presumably you were hoping that he wouldn't call your bluff and that he'd be shocked into improving his behaviour. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work like that, especially if you make the same threat every single time and don't follow-through.

 

This means that you need to take action. Can you and the kids spend a weekend with a close friend or relative so that you can clear your head and think about your next step? You need to get you and the kids out of that environment. You can do it on your own but it's easier if you have help and people to look after the kids while you do what you need to do.

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  • Author
Posted

my youngest is 2 1/2 , yes I do think that what you are saying is true, I too feel like he feels bad for how his life is turning out. He sees his friends and how they do as they please and everything we do needs to be planned around them.

Posted

What advice do you want?

 

You acknowledge that it is an unfulfilling relationship but what's even worse is that your children are being subjected to this/his dysfunction.

 

It's a choice. A choice to seek better for yourself and your children or a choice to settle because you are too afraid of what's out there.

 

Love is wonderful but if it's not supported by all the other pillars that create a healthy and strong foundation for you and your children, then you really have to start looking at the big picture, not just the now, but the future.

 

He doesn't even care that you leave but you're afraid that he won't come after you? Love blinds you but even worse it makes you hostage to situations that not only tarnish and damage your self-esteem but worst of all, it scars the lives of children that are at an age where negativity will more than likely scar them for life. If you want to leave. Stop the threats, if you are doing it to jolt him into changing. It won't work.

 

If you can't make the right decision for yourself, try to focus on what would be right for them. A child hiding away from his home because he is afraid of his stepfather is not condusive. When he is older, he will most likely stay out and get involved in not so good activities because his home is the last place he wants to be in. I will speak from experience in that I disliked my father for his temper and violence. When I was little I ran to my Nana. When I was older, I stayed out, hung out with bad company and got into trouble. The last place I wanted to be was in that house.

 

Control the situation and take charge of your family while you still can.

  • Author
Posted

I am a stay at home mom, but I provide everything my children and I need by doing some work with my mother, he was the one who told me to stop working becuase we were strugling with child care, well I was because I was the one who would find child care. I had a great job and was offered more money if I stayed, but he got angry and told me that if I accepted to continue working to not even think about asking him to help me with child care, which is wierd because I have always paid it alone so i dont know what he ment. Thank you all for replying as quick as you did, I get the same advice from my family they too see how my kids act around him, the youngest is so young so she loves him, I think its time to just let it go and I need to be strong for them now. thanks again

Posted

Think about what your ideal world would look like without him. Then know that it is entirely feasible. Nobody can take control of you except - you. If this is not the way you want to live your life, if this is making you and your children miserable, then you as the adult are charged and responsible for their wellbeing, safety and freedom from abuse, and you are letting it continue and happen. This teaches them two things, one, that you are weak and incapable of doing your job as a mother, and two, it seems he can get away with anything, so he does. is this what you want your children to learn and maybe put into practice themselves? This isn't bad behaviour, it's a dysfunction, he is behaving in an abusive damaging way and you need to take action, above all to protect the vulnerable children you are responsible for.

  • Like 1
Posted

Your kids depend on you to protect them and to be their advocate.

 

The youngest one is stuck with a dad like this. But you are volunteering your other two. You are letting them down by staying in this situation.

 

It would be different if he was working to change and better himself. But it sounds like he just doesn't care.

 

It's only going to get worse, IMO.

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