venusianx13 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 (edited) I've been with my boyfriend for over 7 months now, and he is an unbelievable catch. He's kind, attentive, affectionate, thoughtful, responsible, intelligent, handsome... and he wants a future with me. I bring with me into this relationship a 7 year old son, who he is fantastic with. He is excited to be involved in my son's life, and shows only enthusiasm for one day becoming a step-parent. Our relationship was serious from the get-go... everything was a whirlwind. When I met him, I was a few months out of a detrimental 5 year relationship. I wasn't looking for a "boyfriend", had dated a few men casually, but this guy really made me not want to be single anymore. I hate myself for this, but over time, my insecurities have begun to show through. At this point, I am afraid my boyfriend is losing patience with me. I love him in a way I haven't loved anyone before, and feel, for the most part, very secure with him...HOWEVER, having been in two failed relationships over the past 10 years (my son's dad, and then my ex-fiance - both cheaters and liars) I find myself anxious, A LOT. With my boyfriend, I know I have nothing to worry about, LOGICALLY, but I honestly feel like my mind is preconditioned to expect anyone I'm with to lie, cheat, etc. My boyfriend is in constant contact with me - via text, phone calls, etc., and we spend about 4 days a week together, including overnights at his house. He's very transparent with me, and unlike with my past boyfriends, I never wonder where he is or what he's up to. There is absolutely no reason I should question his honesty and/or fidelity, but I DO. And I'm ashamed of it. I'm doing my best to stop this behavior, but my insecurities are certainly noticeable to him, and he comments on it. In our most recent conversation, he told me he wants to move this relationship into something more (i.e. engagement) and begin to combine our lives, but says that he feels I am putting undue weight on our relationship with my anxieties, and that we need to resolve these issues. He says he feels like I heavily analyze everything he says and does, and for the most part, yes, it's true, as of late. I know he is worthy of my trust, so the fact that my conditioning from past relationships is still present is very disconcerting for the both of us. I try to explain to him just how bad enduring 5 years of infidelity, lies, emotional abuse, etc, was, and he seems to understand, but does NOT understand why I cannot make a distinction between this relationship and that one, between him, and my ex-fiance. This must hurt him a great deal, and I feel terrible about it. Basically, some part of me still doesn't feel adequate enough to be loved by anyone. To perpetuate things further, he says I'm too hung up on his past. He was with a girl for 3 years (lived with her for two years) but says that he didn't see a future with her, and ultimately, they both made the decision to move on. I honestly have a difficult time understanding how you could be living with someone and have no talks about the future. He said he didn't ever indicate to her that he wanted a future with her - that this feeling he has for me is unique and new (he's 30). I don't know why I question this, but I do. And it irritates him when I bring it up (understandably). For a long time, though, I must say that he kept a good deal of pictures of her or him and her, and it bothered me. I honestly don't think he knew they were there until I told him on a few occasions that they bothered me, and he got rid of them (they were on facebook and google, and he's not an avid social networker at all, so I do see where he probably forgot about them, as he claims). And so, that was another thing that perpetuated some of my anxiety, and sadly, made me pretty jealous. Silly, I know. Hopefully this jumbled mess of a post can be made sense of... anyone have any ideas for me? I'm really at a loss. I thought I had all of these emotions under control, but they've recently re-emerged, and I'm worried that if I don't curb them quickly, I will lose this man. Thanks. Edited October 11, 2012 by venusianx13
Author venusianx13 Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Thanks, Tara. From a Buddhist perspective, I used to get all of my strength and healing from my connection with my faith. I was heavily involved with my sangha for years, and was very happy. I felt like it was the best therapy I could ever get (the teachings and meditations) but in recent times, I've disconnected a bit from my Dharma Center. I had been close with my previous teacher and he was reassigned, so yeah, I felt a loss when he left. (attachment, I know...) Our new teacher is wonderful, and I know I just need to readjust and get back into the swing of things... but this lack of connection to Dharma is definitely not helping things any right now.
TaraMaiden Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Ok - breathe. Remember the lesson of the lute strings: neither too tight nor too loose to give the best tune. It's as much with practice as 'non-practice'. Don't beat yourself up about it.... Attachment is a bitch. That's why it is the core essence of the teachings of the 4NT. We do not suffer because of our attachment. We suffer because we do not let go of our attachment. And sometimes, attachment is a healthy thing - but the essential is to know when it's time to loosen the grip, and let the rope slide..... Just as you are healthily attached to Dhammic practice, it's important to not beat yourself over the head when lapses arise. I practice the Dhamma within a sangha. Good, good... this too shall pass. I don't practice the Dhamma within a sangha. Good, good.. this too shall pass. "Who knows what is good? Who knows what is bad?" Life - IS practice. The whole of Life is Buddha, Dhamma, Sangha. If you take refuge, take refuge here and now. A concrete, well-attended sangha isn't vital or necessary. It's nice - but your world is your sangha.... Your family is your Sangha. From the moment you awake, your Dhamma is before you. Every thought word or deed is Dhamma. And Buddha is closer than you think. _/l\_ 1
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