Jingle14 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 He said to me at the end, when I told him how much I loved him 'you'll hate me one day' and looked saddened at this inevitable realisation. He could be very sensitive, a complete contrast to the absolute **** he can also be! I've just read in another thread that they will be nice to us sometimes, such as wave and say hello if we bump into them, to ease their guilt and make themselves feel better. Is this true? Do they have enough of a conscience to actually give a damn what we think of them?
a.b Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Each person is different, but I only came to term the other day that my ex only wants to be friends with me to ease her own guilt. Most I would say are the same, although it's not always true. As for your last question, I suppose it comes down to the individual and what sort of person they are.
Emilia Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I'm on good terms with my exes, don't hate them and as far as I know the feeling is mutual. There is no law that says you have to hate people you once had feelings for. You can be neutral or even remain fond of them.
Author Jingle14 Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Who care's what they think. Foolishly, I do care what he thinks. Wish I didn't. And I absolutely should hate him - and sometimes get in a rage of hate when remembering things he did, he would know he deserved it too, he knew that when he told me I would hate him - but I'm still very emotionally attached. He behaved appallingly, he must know that deep down. I'm still on friendly terms with my ex husband though, so I know it's all very dependant on circumstances.
TaraMaiden Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I've just read in another thread that they will be nice to us sometimes, such as wave and say hello if we bump into them, to ease their guilt and make themselves feel better. Is this true? Yes. Do they have enough of a conscience to actually give a damn what we think of them? That's not the point. They want to feel good about themselves and relieve the guilt. You pointed out this significant specific, above. As far as they're concerned, them being nice to you - is very nice of them. If you respond, it must mean that them being nice to you, makes you feel good, so that's a point in their favour. They don't realise how much it rips your heart to shreds - all they need to know is that they're being nice - and you're acknowledging that. His comment "You'll hate me one day!" wasn't a prediction. It was a "please deny this, which confirms to me that I'm not such a bad guy after all and you still feel for me!" Ego.
Author Jingle14 Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Yes. That's not the point. They want to feel good about themselves and relieve the guilt. You pointed out this significant specific, above. As far as they're concerned, them being nice to you - is very nice of them. If you respond, it must mean that them being nice to you, makes you feel good, so that's a point in their favour. They don't realise how much it rips your heart to shreds - all they need to know is that they're being nice - and you're acknowledging that. His comment "You'll hate me one day!" wasn't a prediction. It was a "please deny this, which confirms to me that I'm not such a bad guy after all and you still feel for me!" Ego. It was you I was quoting, Tara, you probably realised and that's what got me thinking. And I agree with every word. I was hoping you'd read this and post a reply. I saw him a few weeks after the end - it didn't go well - and told him 'you said I'd hate you, but I never thought I would but now I do!'. I felt so bad that I sent him a text the following night saying I didn't and he replied 'I'm glad you don't hate me' - yes, to feel better about himself, to confirm to himself that he is the good person he (inadvisedly) thinks he is. Well, he isn't!
Regrets58 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Do they give a damn what we think of them-depends on the circumstances. Dumpers are people just like dumpees.If you cheated or abused them,then of course they won't care. Everyone has a right to end a relationship that's not working for them. It doesn't follow that they instantly stop caring,just that they don't want to be in the relationship. They can still like you as a person,be fond of you,regret having to end things. We will never truly know what is in their heads. As blue jay says,we have to reach a stage where it doesn't matter.
Author Jingle14 Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Do they give a damn what we think of them-depends on the circumstances. Dumpers are people just like dumpees.If you cheated or abused them,then of course they won't care. Everyone has a right to end a relationship that's not working for them. It doesn't follow that they instantly stop caring,just that they don't want to be in the relationship. They can still like you as a person,be fond of you,regret having to end things. We will never truly know what is in their heads. As blue jay says,we have to reach a stage where it doesn't matter. I did the opposite - I loved and adored him, put him first, supported and cared for him, was generous, very loving and affectionate and treated him like a king. But he still dumped me. He will never again have what we had but clearly he doesn't want it anyway.
TaraMaiden Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 It was you I was quoting, Tara, you probably realised and that's what got me thinking. And I agree with every word. I was hoping you'd read this and post a reply. I saw him a few weeks after the end - it didn't go well - and told him 'you said I'd hate you, but I never thought I would but now I do!'. I felt so bad that I sent him a text the following night saying I didn't and he replied 'I'm glad you don't hate me' - yes, to feel better about himself, to confirm to himself that he is the good person he (inadvisedly) thinks he is. Well, he isn't! {{{hugs}}} Hun. Make it work for you, girl, not against you. use it, channel it and focus.
Sugarkane Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 From my experience if theyre in the wrong all they care about is that they look like the victim and you're the bad guy. Otherwise they don't care. 2
Author Jingle14 Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 {{{hugs}}} Hun. Make it work for you, girl, not against you. use it, channel it and focus. Thanks - I know he's a tosser, a cold, weak, selfish, spineless w@nker, but it's very hard to keep sight of that as I loved that stupid, misguided idiot, more than life itself.
TaraMaiden Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 OK: Question: At the height of your relationship, would you seriously have taken a bullet for him? Jumped in the way of a thrown knife? Yeah? Fine.... Would you do that now? Today? 1
JayL Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 This thread made me wonder... lol. I want to make my ex feel like sh*t! As in baaaddd for treating me the way she did. After the break-up, she offered friendship, I said "how can you be friends with someone you had sex with!? How do you expect someone like me who feels something for you to just be friends and watch you jump that next dude!?" Her response "If you don't want to that's fine, I understand". Me : "I just need time, maybe we need a long break from each other and maybe it'll work out later... we can't be just friends." Her : "We can never be more than friends." My response "You're telling me this now after all we've done together!? You keep comparing me to your low-life ex, that me being too proper and polite to your parents turn you off and you like guys like him on the rougher side that your parents disliked? You are something else! Just get the F out of my life!" Her : Silence... Takes a deep breath.. *hung up the phone* Few days later, I felt guilty and I sent her a long message of apology. Her response was "I don't need your apology, the damage has already been done and I need you to just drop it. I'm not mad at you, I don't hold grudges towards people, I just don't want to talk to you again." I still hate her, I definitely want to say more things to her and take back my apology as I've found out all her lies from other people a month after our break up, but I thought it was pointless and waste of energy on my end. Am I on the right track?.... or I screwed up by apologizing?...
TaraMaiden Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Letting go Two monks, having been to the main temple in town, were returning to the monastery in the evening. It had rained heavily and there were puddles of water on the road. At one place a beautiful young woman was standing unable to walk across because of a vast puddle of water, which spanned the whole of the road. The elder of the two monks went up to her, bowed slightly, then lifted her in his arms, waded through the puddle to dry road, and finally set her on the dry side of the road, and continued his way to the monastery. In the evening the younger monk, unable to contain his horror a moment longer, approached the elder monk and said, "Sir, as monks, you KNOW that we cannot touch a woman ?" The elder monk answered "yes, I know this, brother". The younger monk insisted, " but then Sir, how is that you lifted that woman on the roadside ?" The elder monk smiled at him and told him " Well, I left her on the other side of the road, but I see that you are still carrying her...." 1
Author Jingle14 Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 OK: Question: At the height of your relationship, would you seriously have taken a bullet for him? Jumped in the way of a thrown knife? Yeah? Fine.... Would you do that now? Today? Then, yes without a hesitation. Now, no but if he needed me (but he never will) then I would be there in an instant. I won't lie - unlike him, compulsive lying bastard! -I wish I thought differently though.
TaraMaiden Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 (edited) Good. See? It's now a 'no'. So you see.... it IS getting better. You hold him still with a degree of affection - but you're wising up.... Things are definitely improving..... Edited October 11, 2012 by TaraMaiden Edit - reference to another post removed. Too many broken hearts on this forum... :(
PlanB123 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 my ex told me 'i don't give a **** if you die' on the phone to me. that was kinda my clue to go NC. lol so i really doubt she cares if i hate her. since dumping me she went into a rebound that lasted 2 months. he dumped her. on the same day that happened she unblocked me on fb and sent me a breadcrumb text. (what a selfish bitch looking for emotional support after the guy she left me for dumped her). since then....i can imagine she has been on the rampage and ****ing everything that moves. she has a good support system of 'her girls' that will no doubt have pumped her ego back up enough to go out and party and hook up. i doubt i cross her mind at all. i'm not even her ex boyfriend. i'm her ex ex boyfriend. having said this....when i dumped my girlfriend of 3 years i still really cared about her and didn't want her to hate me. i felt she was 'right girl, too early' (gigs).
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 My ex had this incredible need to be seen as a nice guy but I got to know a really ugly side of him. His worst nightmare is people seeing him as the bad guy. After our break up, he called up my mum to explain himself. He was worried that she will think he is not so nice. My mum was stunned. He actually thought that my mum will take his side over her own daughter. My mum told him to go to hell (she knew all the details of our relationship as I confided in her often). First few months after the break up, I made sure I told him how much I despise him at regular intervals
blue_jay_bird Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Gah, i wish i told him i ****ing hate him. That he's a coward, die in a fire. But me being nice will make him feel worse. Cause how could you hurt someone you love, that even after the break up they are nice too you. I think my logic is messed. I just don't know anything anymore. Dam NC.
TaraMaiden Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 (edited) No, Not Damn NC! NC good! Edited October 11, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Jingle14 Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Gah, i wish i told him i ****ing hate him. That he's a coward, die in a fire. But me being nice will make him feel worse. Cause how could you hurt someone you love, that even after the break up they are nice too you. I think my logic is messed. I just don't know anything anymore. Dam NC. That's why I contacted him, by text, on his daughter's a couple of months ago, to say I hoped he'd be able to spend the day together. I sent a really lovely text with a completely spiteful intent on my part but he would never have known that. And I did that after my friend saw me go and say hello to him and a mutual friend in a pub and him evidently 'finding his pint more interesting', which I hadn't noticed at the time (and this was 2 days after we hugged for over an hour). I figure the nicer I am - and he replied to my birthday text saying 'that was kind of you' - the worse, hopefully, he will feel! My logic is messed up too, and twisted, but entirely down to my experience with him, and witnessing at first hand how disengenuous someone who, on the surface, is honest, has integrity, morals, values and decency, and who says they love and adore you, can actually be
Author Jingle14 Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 My ex had this incredible need to be seen as a nice guy but I got to know a really ugly side of him. His worst nightmare is people seeing him as the bad guy. After our break up, he called up my mum to explain himself. He was worried that she will think he is not so nice. My mum was stunned. He actually thought that my mum will take his side over her own daughter. My mum told him to go to hell (she knew all the details of our relationship as I confided in her often). First few months after the break up, I made sure I told him how much I despise him at regular intervals Yes, he was exactly the same but, in reality, he was the exact opposite to how he portrayed himself to be - and I fell for the facade hook, line and sinker. Was in much to deep when I realised what he was really like, far too late then as I was incredibly emotionally attached to him and adored him, or the person he had first shown himself to be. And good for you telling him what you thought
lemondrops11 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I care what he thinks and sucks knowing the kindest thing is leaving him to think i don't care/love him so he can get over me . I'll always love him very much and care about his happiness though. Makes it hard to keep up NC especially when he doesn't want it and tells me to get in contact whenever i want (obvs i don't though)
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