chrisCaps Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 (edited) Hi guys, I'm 20. And my girlfriends 18. We've been together for over two years, and the last year of that our sex life is becoming almost non existent. There are times where it's been 2-3weeks without ( am I bad for remember exactly how long?) and I find it really hard. ( oh god, please excuse the pun). There's always something else, like she's too tired or she's got work. We live together by the way. Other aspects of our lives together are great but I'm always aware that there won't be anything going on in a sexual way, except on rare occasions, and in those times I'm always the instigater. I kinda wish she would try it on with me once in a while. She's never ever given oral ( I hope one day though to be honest ). I used to give her it every time we had sex ( I loved doing it, wasn't a problem ) but now when I try, she just pushes me away.) Once I booked a romantic restaurant, and when we sat down the first thing she said was " you're expecting sex aren't you". I kinda was to be fair, I was going to try make it special night. It was kinda awkward after that. I used to really try, and get flowers, nice dinner etc etc, but she just accused me of trying for sex. Now I'm worried to try anything because she just thinks I'm a sex pest ( her words, and I really don't see how it's pesting) . Sometimes I've got pissed off and asked why and she just gets angry and says she doesn't want sex that night. But its most nights. The other day, in a convo she said she wouldn't care if we didn't have sex, and that it doesn't mean anything anyway. Although I haven't mentioned it, I've taken it too heart a bit. We've only ever been with each other, so I worry that I might be unattractive, or terrible in bed. I never know when to try anything anymore, I just feel awkward because I get turned down so much. I think if I never tried then she wouldn't care, it wouldn't bother her. When I try and be sexy I feel like I'm hassling her. In two weeks we are moving back to our nans, in order to sort out our driving lessons and save for a mortgage deposit. We estimate it will take at most two years ( I've been blessed with luck in the line of work, not masses but above average.) I want to be in the long haul with her so this seems a good time to save. My problem is that she won't have sex with anyone else in the house, even if it's a relatively big house in the sense that no one would possibly hear a thing. We are literally never going to have sex for a long time. We haven't had sex in weeks now and , this is going to sound bad, but last night I looked at other girls on a dating site using my ipphone. I haven't signed up to it though. I don't know what to do anymore, I really love her and can see us spending our lives together but sometimes I really want to get intimate and it's so difficult at times. We go to party's (they are great, it's always the same group of people, give or take, so we all know and trust each other very well) and at the end of the night when we are mostly drunk lol, and when the topic of sex comes up my girlfriend really lies. She said once ( these convos are safe with these friends , we are very close so we're happy to talk ab Edited October 11, 2012 by chrisCaps
wow04 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 She could have an issue that she needs to see a doctor about. I am just going to be honest with what happened to me. The last 2 years of my marriage I didn't have sex one time. It was because I knew the relationship was over. I didn't love him and just wanted out. Can you tell her that this is killing your relationship, because you have needs? Tell her that there could be something wrong with her and suggest seeing a doctor?
CarrieT Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I remember going through the same thing at that age. And - I hate to put it this way - at that age, I didn't have the mental maturity to put into words my level of dissatisfaction. It is a time of growth and self-discovery and "having to put out" was an annoying aspect of my relationship. At the time, I could care less about sex because my mind was concentrating on the future and anything physical was a chore. It is entirely possible that the OP's girlfriend will never be able to openly talk about this because she won't have the mental capacity to be able to verbalize why she doesn't want sex. It is just a fact of that time of her life. For me, it lasted several years. No amount of romance or cajoling or begging made any difference either. My then-BF threatened to leave me as well. I didn't care because I knew, in the long run, we weren't going to be together because I knew I still had growing and maturing to do on my own. OP, you are very, very young to be considering a mortgage and consistency with someone who is only 18. I would recommend breaking up - playing the field and being on your own for a while. A long while... 2
Emilia Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 20 and 18 years old is really young to deal with this c**p. No I'm not saying it's her fault or that you should sleep with more girls or anything like that but you are both barely adults. She is almost a kid. Why the hell do you live together, trying to get a mortgage, get bogged down in a relationship that might have run its course? What's the rush? Both of you will change so much in your 20s, especially by the time you reach 25. Neither of you are in the position to settle down. Moving back to your nan's house to save money... really? Is this how you want to spend your early 20s? Worry about whether you gf wants sex? edit: in the meantime Carry posted similar thoughts to my own 1
Author chrisCaps Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 20 and 18 years old is really young to deal with this c**p. No I'm not saying it's her fault or that you should sleep with more girls or anything like that but you are both barely adults. She is almost a kid. Why the hell do you live together, trying to get a mortgage, get bogged down in a relationship that might have run its course? What's the rush? Both of you will change so much in your 20s, especially by the time you reach 25. Neither of you are in the position to settle down. Moving back to your nan's house to save money... really? Is this how you want to spend your early 20s? Worry about whether you gf wants sex? edit: in the meantime Carry posted similar thoughts to my own Although I understand what you are saying, I gotta feel that I'm different to other 20 year olds. I don't want to go clubbing, or drinking with friends throughout the night until we are off our heads, I'd much rather a morning with the financial times or a possible profit push for work. Now is SURELY the best time in my life to save? My rent will be considerably lower than our current apartment, and I could save unbelievable more than currently. I don't drink often, smoke or anything that drains money. It will be so easy. When I'm 30/40 I won't have this option. I really feel that these next few years can be a base start for an improved life. Once I have a mortgage I can rent out near the off. For girls, I've never had a one night stand, the thought repulses me. Ive never even been clubbing, I don't want to herd around flashing lights like a sea of cattle. I don't chat girls up, in fact I've never seen a reason to, I've got my girlfriend. I doubt I ever could chat a girl up, I'm pretty awkward sometimes. I love her though, even though we are different in some aspects, and I'm sure she loves me too. I don't want to leave her I just basically wanted advice, I'm not the best at understanding women so I felt better talking anonymously on the internet.
CarrieT Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Although I understand what you are saying, I gotta feel that I'm different to other 20 year olds. I don't want to go clubbing, or drinking with friends throughout the night until we are off our heads, I'd much rather a morning with the financial times or a possible profit push for work. Now is SURELY the best time in my life to save? Believe me, I was the same as well. As a girl, I was never interested in clubbing or playing the field the way other 20-something girls were. And, yes, it is the best time in your life to save. But it may not be the best time in your life to have expectations towards a future with a girl. For girls, I've never had a one night stand, the thought repulses me. Ive never even been clubbing, I don't want to herd around flashing lights like a sea of cattle. I don't chat girls up, in fact I've never seen a reason to, I've got my girlfriend. I doubt I ever could chat a girl up, I'm pretty awkward sometimes. It doesn't matter. Your GF is probably experiencing GIGS (Grass is Greener Syndrome) in her mind. She is starting to question her future and options and what else is out there. She may not even be aware she is doing it BECAUSE her mind is just beginning to mature. I love her though, even though we are different in some aspects, and I'm sure she loves me too. I don't want to leave her I just basically wanted advice, I'm not the best at understanding women so I felt better talking anonymously on the internet. We understand that and - as hard as it is for you to hear - the best advice we who have experienced this can give is to say that you are both too young to be having these kind of issues and ultimately, I do not believe your relationship will stand the test of time. I am really sorry for you in that regard. It is part of the growing and maturing process you will both go through. Again, I was exactly like you! I was reading the Wall Street Journal at 17 and planning a future and being responsible. But what happened to me mentally between 17 and 27 emotionally and as a woman is DRASTIC. And having gone through it, I don't believe anyone should tie themselves to another "for life" until they have reached their late 20s or early 30s. I tried. I was married at 20 but divorced by 25 when I truly matured. 1
Emilia Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Although I understand what you are saying, I gotta feel that I'm different to other 20 year olds. I don't want to go clubbing, or drinking with friends throughout the night until we are off our heads, I'd much rather a morning with the financial times or a possible profit push for work. Now is SURELY the best time in my life to save? My rent will be considerably lower than our current apartment, and I could save unbelievable more than currently. I don't drink often, smoke or anything that drains money. It will be so easy. When I'm 30/40 I won't have this option. I really feel that these next few years can be a base start for an improved life. Once I have a mortgage I can rent out near the off. You know how much you might change over the years? I used to be like you. Not that I like clubs much myself but I was a homebody and very very serious when I was your age. Guess what, I realised there was much more to life than having it all mapped out. Who cares what happens in your 30s when you are only 20 years old? Take a year out, go travelling, have good time, get drunk a few times. Why worry about saving and buying something you might end up despising in 10 years time? You are way too young to commit your life to a certain path! That's my point. You might regret this in a few years, especially when you realise how quickly the years slip away! For girls, I've never had a one night stand, the thought repulses me. Ive never even been clubbing, I don't want to herd around flashing lights like a sea of cattle. I don't chat girls up, in fact I've never seen a reason to, I've got my girlfriend. I doubt I ever could chat a girl up, I'm pretty awkward sometimes. So is this about your not wanting to look for another girlfriend? I love her though, even though we are different in some aspects, and I'm sure she loves me too. I don't want to leave her I just basically wanted advice, I'm not the best at understanding women so I felt better talking anonymously on the internet. Well the only advice anyone can give you is that you can't force a person to want sex with you. There isn't really anything else. It's not realistic to have a long term relationship at your age. Of course it happens but as Carry pointed out, consistency is rare at that age. Younger girls often don't like sex all that much.
Emilia Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 On a more objective note OP, I'd also like to add that in my experience (and I'm 40 years old) it makes no difference to your financial status long term whether you invest in your first property at the age of 22 or 25. I was 25 when I bought my first flat and I would not be more affluent today if it had been something smaller when I was 22. 1
Author chrisCaps Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Oh dear. It's not going to change, you're right. I guess this is a situation were the answer is obvious except to those involved.
Robert Z Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 My advice to the OP, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! I put up with a frigid woman for years and it wasn't worth it. If you are already having problems, you are almost certainly destined for a very frustrating and lonely life. Get out now before you get buried. The longer you wait, the worse it will get. How bad can it get? I reached a point where I was holding a gun to my head and trying for all I was worth to pull the trigger. And I very nearly did. 1
Emilia Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Oh dear. It's not going to change, you're right. I guess this is a situation were the answer is obvious except to those involved. Give yourself time. Talk to her. Just don't commit yourself to anything you might regret carrying around with you for years to come.
CarrieT Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Oh dear. It's not going to change, you're right. I guess this is a situation were the answer is obvious except to those involved. This is a very wise statement. Again, I am sorry you are experiencing it. Emilia is 40. I am 48. Robert is also middle-aged. We have been there and know what you are experiencing... 1
Author chrisCaps Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 (edited) This is a very wise statement. Again, I am sorry you are experiencing it. Emilia is 40. I am 48. Robert is also middle-aged. We have been there and know what you are experiencing... I worked with someone a few weeks ago, she's from Brighton and came down just for the two days. We didn't even talk the slightest out of formal terms, but If I'm honest I did feel something inside me, like a bubbling and I think she felt..something ( this could all be a misunderstanding obviously I may of misinterpreted it) but the way she smiled at me and how we had lunch together (only in the canteen and was all formal and above board). At the end she actually hugged me, which I never normally do, I'm always too awkward and prefer a hand shake. I left after and won't really speak to her again (probably, but obviously I might, coincidences etcetc..) I actually value the advice. I apologise for being vague at times, I'm worried that by some minute chance, someone I know might read this at some point, and I feel embarrassed. Chris isn't even my real name. I guess with you three that you are going to be 100% truthful and not yes-men, especially since this is the internet. With that in mind I have more questions, if you would be so kind. An I too quick to ignore the kind of accounters such as above? I just dont know how to act in that kind of situation. felt different that day than with my girlfriend. I'm sorry,again, I must be sounding like a terrible person in this aspect. Edited October 11, 2012 by chrisCaps
Emilia Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 An I too quick to ignore the kind of accounters such as above? I just dont know how to act in that kind of situation. felt different that day than with my girlfriend. I'm sorry,again, I must be sounding like a terrible person in this aspect. My name isn't Emilia either Vague is fine I think we all have encounters like this throughout in our lives. Whether we ignore them or not usually depend on whether we are in a happy relationship (especially as an encounter is usually just an encounter, fleeting excitement for a potential) or whether we are prepared to commit to one person. You are not having a fulfilling relationship, especially in terms of intimacy. It is natural that you crave it. People handle this by either working it out between themselves (which can be done, especially with more life experience and self awareness!) or by finding someone else.
CarrieT Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Well, my name is Carrie but this is the 'net so we don't really care... Read what Emilia wrote above. OP, you are not in a fulfilling relationship which made you susceptible to the hug from someone else. It is perfectly natural. And if you read through these forums, you will see TONS of people (not just men!) in the same situation as you. Heck, I came here four years ago - even in middle age! - because my BF shut down on me sexually. We didn't have sex for 18 months before I finally broke up with him. I tried, I cajoled, I begged, and bargained... I couldn't get him to tell me WHY he didn't want sex with me. It was only after we broke up and I asked him again when he told me he realized I was disappointed in him as a person that made me unattractive. We had run the course of our relationship and despite my love, affection and sexual urgings, he felt I was no longer enamored and in awe with him. But he couldn't express it at the time and it was only after we broke up that he was able to offer some form of an explanation. (Of course the fact that he was a rampant alcoholic was a factor as well). I'm not using my example as an equal comparison. I AM trying to show you that it happens a lot and you don't need to feel badly about questions or concerns or how to move forward. Read through the boards and you will find those in similar shoes. As rude as this might sound, you are not unique. But that means you will find a solution - hopefully - through others that have walked in your path. 1
Author chrisCaps Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 This is ludicrous but can I have an honest opinion? I can't ask anyone else. I've just taken this now http://i.imgur.com/QesfR.jpg
Emilia Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 You look very cute and as you are still young you are also still quite baby-faced. You will lose that as you get older but if you start working out - especially lifting heavier weights - both your face and body will get a much more defined look.
CarrieT Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Mostly what Emilia said but this is coming from people who are old enough to be your parents. What's up with the bleached hair? I find the difference between hair and eyebrows to be disconcerting...
Quiet Storm Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I did marry at 18 and we are still together, so getting serious young isn't always a bad thing. Because of my own experience, your ages don't necessarily concern me. What concerns me is that she is not considering your feelings or needs. This could be because of her immaturity, or it could be a character issue. Also, at that stage in our relationship, my husband and I were constantly exploring each other and trying out new things. Sex happened almost every day. She views sex as a chore or an obligation, instead of a loving & enjoyable way to connect to your partner. There could be many reasons for her lack of sex drive. Depression, child sex abuse, self esteem issues, lack of desire for her partner, boredom, medical issues, resentment, other problems in the relationship... She's not even trying to understand how it is making you feel, she just wants you to deal with it and stop asking. She is making it seem like you are the problem, which shows a lack of insight and is not fair to you. If she feels that there is a problem in the relationship, she should be able to communicate with you about that. Think back to when this started. Was there a big argument around that time? Some passive agressive types hold grudges and punish their partners by withholding sex or affection. I would communicate with her how this makes you feel. She may not understand how serious this situation is for the relationship. You need to make it clear that sex is a very important way that you express your love for her, and without it, you feel distanced from her. Explain that sex is a very important need for you in a relationship, and you will be patient with her if she acknowledges and takes steps to resolve the problem. If she has issues from the past that could be related or a medical issue, she needs to seek treatment for it. How is she about affection besides sex? Does she still want to cuddle and kiss? I think you should only remain in the relationshp if she can admit there is a problem and work with you towards resolving it. If she won't accept any responsbility for it or admits to not liking sex or having a low sex drive, then you two aren't compatible and you should move on. 1
BellaMarieOC Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I agree with Quiet Storm. I myself am not a very sexual person. I could probably go the rest of my life without having sex. I don't know why I feel this way, and it's not my BF, it's me. I truly think it's a chemical imbalance. The difference between your GF and I though, is that it really bothers me that I don't crave sex like my BF does. It actually upsets me seeing him a little bummed out that we don't have very frequent sex. I do make an effort to get physical with him, and I do my best to enjoy it and make it pleasurable. But for right now, he does have to do most of the initiating. I think some women just don't have that sexual desire. Your GF clearly doesn't, but I think there is something more going on with her. It is not normal for her to think every nice thing you do is just so you can get in her pants. Something is going on inside her, and she sounds angry. She is also being incredibly selfish by not even considering your feelings. I have been with my BF for almost 2 years, and I've honestly only turned him down twice. Other times if I wasn't in the mood (which is most times) I would get into it anyway, and once things started I did find it enjoyable, plus there was the added bonus of knowing this was making my BF very happy. I know part of the reason why I don't want sex is my depression, for which I finally went to the Dr. for and now I am on medication. This medication helps me sleep, which helps me out greatly in every other little thing I do. I think it's time that you sat down and had a serious conversation with your GF about your future together. I know you love her, but she is a selfish person. Getting married and sharing a life together isn't going to make these problems go away, it's only going to get worse. Look at it like this, right now is the best it's ever going to be. Can you live like this for the rest of your life?
maryS Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 My husband's first wife didn't enjoy sex at all. She just couldn't get into it! They were married 6 years and never had intercourse.Needless to say they divorced. She could never explain to him why she didn't like sex. She just didn't like it!!! Find yourself a girl who loves it as much as you do; don't wait 6 years like he did.
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