not sure where i stand

[AR0207]

Hi, basically a few months ago i met this girl, she was beautiful, smart, funny and very talented, i thought she'd make a great catch so i asked her to go out one day, we went out to the squirrel reserve one day, sat against trees, spoke and got to know each other and it was great, then she made a move and i was shocked that she was ever interested in me, we then got a bit more cosy & she told me her parents were away on holiday and she didn't like being in the house on her own and if i would go and stay with her, i didn't agree at first on the worry of i didn't have overnight things with me but i changed my mind last minute and we went, it was great, we sat and watched tv, a few films with takeaway then cuddled up in bed, the next morning things got intimate and i had a slight problem sexually (thats personal) but after a few minutes it was all fine and we tried again, she said it was good and seemed very happy and content with herself, we went downstairs, got breakfast and she then said she felt ill so i offered to stay with her for a while to cheer her up, she agreed and i ended up staying another night.

 

From here things were all going great for a few weeks, i met her parents, she met mine and then we hit a point where she was worried about what happened with her ex before, she was in a 4 year relationship and said insecurities and walls would prevent her from being ready for anything serious, i explained to her that i wouldn't hurt her, i'm not like him and i'm going away for a few days and she can think about things properly, when i come back from my trip she said she'd thought things through, decided to give us a go and she trusts me not to hurt her and we would go at a pace she's comfortable with and not have a label or any pressure, i thought great and i noticed a big big difference in her, we got closer and we were happy, i had one bad week where everything got to me, i was negative, lack self worth and had no drive and determination but i didn't think it was a problem.

 

it all went wrong when one week she got tonsillitis, i suggested we go out for something to eat to get her out the house, from feeling sorry for herself and to cheer her up and make her happy, it was great, we went, had food and drink then back to hers to watch a film and i went home, the next day she told me that she wasn't going to a party she was meant to so she would be stuck in the house alone, i offered to come round and keep her company because i'd rather she had company, she said she'd have a nap and let me know, an hour or so later she text me back and said okay and if i could stay the night, i agreed and it all went fine, when we went to bed my sexual problem popped up again and i could see the disappointment in her face and it was in me too, it was an awkward feeling, we spoke about it and got onto the subject of us, i told her about my past relationships and the current one, she explained she was happy with where we were at but until she was 100% sure about us (due to a previous relationship) she wouldn't brand us a couple, i asked what percentage she was at and she replied 95% but the last bit of the wall may take a while to chip down, i said its fine and i'll be patient, the next morning i got up for work, she walked me to the bus stop and it was all fine, over the next couple of days we discussed my problem and how we could fix it and all seemed fine until she stopped putting x's at the end of texts, i asked what was up & she insisted that it was just because of stress, later on i asked again and she said she's been thinking about us, i asked thinking what and she replies 'i think we have moved too quickly'... i actually agreed and said what does she want to do, should we slow down and she then proceeded to tell me she needed time alone and to be single because we felt like too much of a couple, i began to panic thinking she was calling things off so i then spent the next few days trying to convince her otherwise, which then resulted in her saying she just see's me as a friend and if we did ever try again she would want to change things about me like my confidence, lack of self worth and drive and ambition, this hurt because i had seen how happy we were just a week before and how well things were going, anyway after much arguing and me putting pressure on her (which i now regret) we agreed to just be friends.

 

we went out for a drink a few nights ago and agreed to not talk about the subject of 'us' and at first it was awkward, i just wanted to grab her, kiss her and for everything to be right back to how it was when we were happy but after a while conversation started flowing and we started to have a laugh, she then mentioned about a film called 500 days of summer and how it is relevant (i still haven't got round to watching it) and then she told me that i should just say what i have to say and we'll speak about things, i refused but she insisted, i said to her how does she really see me in a percentage, she refused to give me that percentage but continued to speak about things, she said i am not in the friend zone but i'm on the line (maybe because of the pressure i had put on her i don't know) but i was relieved to hear this, i asked why it is I'm on the line and not completely friended and she said it was because she doesn't get butterflies with me, i said its okay to not get butterflies, we went too quick and it all got settled too fast so the butterflies would of but i had planned to start them up again with her before she called things off by taking her out and doing more different things, after long talks about feelings and what each other really wanted we come to an agreement that we can 'casually date' for a bit while she sorts herself out, i agreed that if it means she gets the space she needs and i don't get chucked in the friend zone when its too late we'll do that, we went and got taxi's and she asked for a kiss and we went separate ways, she text me when she got home and seemed happy.

 

the next day i was in work and i was thinking about what had been said and i was in a happier mindset and had been thinking about what it is we could do next (going out wise) when i got home and i signed onto Skype she was online and i popped up, she seemed very distant, i said your not too happy today whats up, she said nothing and we carried on speaking normally, she then said she was watching 500 days of summer, i then said is that your way of saying you want to speak about us ? to which we then started discussing the 'arrangement' of 'casual dates' and no label or pressure and how i didn't want anything hot and heavy between us, at least not yet anyway, she said the word date worried her and the at least not yet anyway, i explained that she should stop staring so far into the future, its not there or guaranteed, she should live in the here and now and thats what is important, after some discussion she told me I'm only on the line of the friend zone because she didn't want to hurt me, i asked if the whole butterfly thing was a lie and she said no its not, we spoke some more and she said when we're together in person she has fun, she like me and we have a laugh but when i'm on Skype I'm moody and grumpy (and obviously pressurising) i said sorry and that the person she should be looking at is the one in person, not the grumpy sod on Skype after a long day at work, we then agreed we would go out and speak about things properly in person and we wouldn't mention anything about it again until we were with each other.

 

i'm just confused about what it is we should do, or i should do, where i stand and what it is she is actually feeling, i know i had that bad week where i was negative and a bit depressing and i regret putting the pressure on her i did but i feel we have a connection and her past is preventing her from moving forward and letting herself be happy and feel anything for someone, what should i do ? i don't want to lose her completely or end up just a friend but i certainly don't want to put her in a place where she feels uncomfortable until she sorts herself out.

[KraftDinner]

Ugh, I dunno - she keeps mentioning that movie...that movie is depressing. They have a relationship and she totally loses interest and the guy is like obsessed with her. I hope that's not how she sees you two.