dreamstate83 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 (edited) "I don't know what happened. Everything was going so amazingly well and they were the person of my dreams. I thought we would always be together and now I am completely hurt and lost. I've spent so many hours doing google searches for how to win them back that it's almost pathetic. I should really be getting paid for the amount of labor I'm putting into this! Somewhere out there on the internet there has to be an answer. There HAS to be a way I can fix this. I can do this. I can win them back. Sometimes I convince myself that I've moved on but it's painfully obvious when the day dies down and I'm in bed that I just can't do this. I still love them. It hurts so much and all I want to do is cry out for help..." Sound familiar? I bet it does. I've been there and in all honestly it's how I ended up on sites like this! Go back and read the above paragraphs, but this time I want you to imagine it in the voice of your best friend. What would you say to them? How would you ease their pain? I want to take a moment and talk about a couple of things that I believe from my experiences in long term relationships and life in general. Life is an accumulation of opportunities and choices from death until birth. I used to ask the question of "who am I?". I would get so caught up in trying to define who I was as a human being that it was mind numbing. At times I would compare myself to others - Lawyers, Dentists, Fireman, and any number of people I believed have answered the question. I've come to the conclusion that "who we are" can never really be quantified. You see, the concept of self definition is one that changes more fluidly than any season. In order to know who we are at any given time, it requires us to look backward on ourselves from a future perspective. You see? We don't know who we are right now. Who am I? I am an "if". I am a "possibility". I am fluid. Take a moment and close your eyes. Imagine your future self coming into your house to meet up with you to try and console you through these hard times. What would future you have to say? How would they define you? I imagine my meeting would go something like this: "Hey man, how are you going? I know things look rough but listen - Things do get better. You might think what you are going through now is the end of the world but you have no idea the choices and excitement waiting for you soon! I want to apologize to you as well. Back then, when I was you, I made a lot of choices out of desperation and I think we both know what kind of mindset that leads to. Cheer up bud, I'm living proof that there is a future out there. I'm just one of the many possible choices you will make down the road. I want you to be strong so that you can make the right ones. Hell, you might even be a better man than I am if you play your cards right!" Hindsight is 20/20, as the saying goes. Don't make choices in an attempt to define who you are, make choices to define who you "were" from a future perspective. Things change. People change. Desires change. When you were a baby you needed nothing more than food, shelter, and the loving arms of your guardians. As a kid you might have hated green vegetables, but then as an adult you wouldn't dare have them with your dinner! I sometimes find it funny when individuals swear that people never change. Those same people are the ones that will tell you that a relationship didn't work out because "we grew apart and changed". People do change. We are always in a state of change and growth (for better or worse - that's your choice!). I believe that a healthy relationship is one that can realize that people can and do change, and apply that knowledge to grow and change together as a couple. Sometimes, however, things don't go as hoped. Maybe the situation changed? Maybe you changed? Maybe them? When you are going through a breakup I think it's important to look at it and realize that even if you are blind to it something changed. Maybe it was an actual change? Maybe it was just a change of perception? Who really knows? You don't have to know the reason as long as you can recognize that it does exist. Win your ex back! I know if you are anything like me, you may have read this section title before you saw anything else. PLEASE go back and read the words prior. You aren't ready for this yet. Don't worry, I'll wait. Okay, you've read the first part of this post? Good. I'm going to help you get your ex back. Your REAL ex. Every relationship is actually a bond between three relationships. Their relationship with themselves, their relationship with you, and your relationship with yourself. If you are reading this section, then I need you to realize something that a lot of people overlook. Somewhere along the line, you broke up with yourself. You did it in the most ugly, ill mannered, and devious way. You cheated on yourself with another person. You cheated. How do I know this? The begging, the pleading, the belief that you will never be okay without this other person in your life. The whole time this begging takes place, somewhere in another room there is another you - sitting, crying, and begging that you notice them again. The time for sending flowers and apologies is in fact here, but for your true ex. It's time you looked at yourself in the mirror and apologized for cheating. Tell yourself you want to work things out. You want a life long healthy relationship with yourself again. Stop focusing on being with the love affair in your life, and really focus on making the relationship with yourself a success first. Every ending is a new beginning. Cheesy, I know. But it's as true as it is cliche. A funny thing happened to me the other day when I was mourning over the loss of a lover - Another ex from a long term relationship from over 10 years ago got in touch with me. You know what? It didn't even bother me to talk to her! We had the most toxic and despicable relationship anyone could go through and here I am all these years later completely calm and not even concerned about our history as enemies. Not being sad and crying on the phone and begging with this previous ex reminded me of something - it actually does get better! Wow! Who would have thought? In the end life is a culminations of all of the "ifs" that you bring an answer to. Don't define who you are, define who you "were". Get back the real ex in this situation and mend their hearts. They deserve it. Look forward to the next "if" that comes your way, and when it does, have a heart to heart discussion with the future you. In the end, it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. Edited October 11, 2012 by dreamstate83 11
a.b Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Thank you for this, was eye opening. Superb and BRAVO!
RudeLou Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Great post! It really puts things in perspective. When my ex before this broke up with me I was devastated. Now I can think about her and I don't feel sad or anything. Right now it still hasn't even been a week yet so I'm not there, but I am making progress.
Author dreamstate83 Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 Thanks for the support and feedback! I'm glad this has been able to help you all. Even I come back to it and read it almost daily to remind myself. I apologize for a few typos and such, still waiting on an admin to edit it for me since it's past the time span for editing.
winstonsdreams Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 fantastic post!! totally agree my ex of 2 years ago got in contact with me recently and we became friends! this was a woman who i thought i could never talk to again and the relationship now is purely platonic! time works! we need to remember that, and get ourselves back!
Author dreamstate83 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 Just bumping this up for the new LS family members coming in.
BlankSpace Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Awesome post! I wish I'd found this earlier. Thanks!
sissy106 Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 Really good one, your meeting with urself is superbely written. For me first two sections of the post are realy encouraging: "Life is an accumulation of opportunities and choices from death until birth" and "Things change. People change. Desires change". Thanks for this one!
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