zjmorris Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 (edited) So here goes Been with my "girlfriend" for four years now. We lived together for 3 of them. Everything was great (so I thought). I was 21 and she was 19 when we met, now I am 25 and she is 23. She was from a city about an hour away from where I went to school. She ended up dropping out of art school to come live with me. When she was doing this I asked her "Is this really what you want to do? I love you and I want your future to be everything that it can be." She replied that the school was too expensive for her anyway and proceed to move to my town and enter beauty school. For a while she was pretty sad about it, but I helped her work through it. Things got better and we were back to normal. After I graduated from my university, we both moved back to her town and she got back into art school. I hated it there, but I was so happy for her. However, she went there for a semester and then dropped out again. We worked through this issue together. One night (in her town) she didn't come home or call or anything, I still don't know what she did. This upset me quite a bit, but again we worked through it. I did tell her that I wouldn't put up with that kind of thing (I don't care if she goes out and stuff but at least letting me know would be respectful I did this for her). We then moved back to my hometown (by this point she was and still is pretty good friends with most of my friends). She applied to the university I went to for art, and I finally got a job in my field. Everything was great (I guess?). I had a ring picked out and paid for. Then she stood me up again and the whole "I need space to figure out my life" thing happened. This happened right after I was the best man in my best friends wedding. (scared of the commitment??) Out of left field for me (but perhaps not in hindsight). She said that she hasn't done anything for just her always for us and that we both needed to pursue our own goals, separately. I told her that I always supported her going for her goals. I mean come on we both relocated for eachother I thought that it was mutual. So I told her (during the above conversation I kind of beat her to the punch I guess) that I was moving out because I had already told her that I would not be disrespected like that twice. So I pursued my own goal of traveling, she pursued her art studio. We both achieved our goals. This was around mid August. I went to China to teach English (I've been here since Sept 1st). Quite a bit of space hun! She said she didn't want me to go but respected my decision. Here is where we are now. I'm in China with a freaking ring that I'm not sure what to do with. We still talk everyday almost. She bought a passport and is already making the necessary preparations to come see me in late November. She says that she still loves me and thinks of me almost everyday and misses me terribly. So all this is good, right. I'm still madly in love with this woman. The kicker, she doesn't know if she thinks that we are still together or not. She says we are exclusive but that she is not sure if she is my girlfriend or not (try that for a paradox). She dances around this issue. I have currently backed off and let her initiate the contact (we talk via skype). NC no NC?? Use the ring when she gets here?? (Probably a bad idea but I would hopefully for sure get an honest answer then and if she says yes that would just be amazing). There are a lot of red flags in China, hopefully not in this post but there may well be. Help??? Also although she says that she is not sure if we are boyfriend and girlfriend she says she still wants to "work on it" (choosing between me and someone else??) Edited October 11, 2012 by zjmorris
TaraMaiden Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Hun - forget the ring. I think this needs to end. This is an LDR she actually wants to halt, but can't bring herself to do it. Reasons? hurting you? Fear of being the one to end it? Who knows? her confusion is evident. I think you need to take the lead, and end this....
Author zjmorris Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Right I kind of sense that. It wasn't LDR for a long time though. I took the lead when I went to China. Why would she be going through all of this effort to come over here and see me if she didn't care for me? Also why would she say that she want's it to work out between us? She sends me emails counting the days...
Author zjmorris Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 (edited) Also we talk a lot. She tells me that she still loves me (without me asking), and says that she wants us to work. So what gives? Maybe I'm confused or maybe I'm just venting. However, I refuse to give up on this situation unless I absolutely have to. I doubt that the only reason she is coming to visit me is a cheap vacation. I mean we are from US so going to China is a huge deal especially for broke college age men and women. I think she genuinely still has feelings for me like I for her, and I can't just give up on that. PS living together for 3 years is not LDR Edited October 11, 2012 by zjmorris
TaraMaiden Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Ok. Wait and talk to her, face to face. but don't whatever you do, even mention a ring.
Bahndrvr Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Also we talk a lot. She tells me that she still loves me (without me asking), and says that she wants us to work. So what gives? Maybe I'm confused or maybe I'm just venting. However, I refuse to give up on this situation unless I absolutely have to. I doubt that the only reason she is coming to visit me is a cheap vacation. I mean we are from US so going to China is a huge deal especially for broke college age men and women. I think she genuinely still has feelings for me like I for her, and I can't just give up on that. PS living together for 3 years is not LDR Then don't give up, seriously if she makes it over see if the sparks fly, and you gave her what she asked for, ANSI doubt she will stay out all night anymore as well:)
Author zjmorris Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 Then don't give up, seriously if she makes it over see if the sparks fly, and you gave her what she asked for, ANSI doubt she will stay out all night anymore as well:) Fingers crossed
Author zjmorris Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 (edited) Ok so she still dances around the whole relationship issue, but she is constantly reminding me of all of the great memories we have. She is also still planning on coming here. She said that she would prefer to wait until we can talk face to face to talk about whether or not we are together (good sign? bad sign?) I think this may be a not so good sign. Possibly not catastrophic, but not good. So I wrote this email... I know you probably won't get this until morning so... good morning! I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I want so much for us to be together and grow together as a couple and as individuals. I've been doing some thinking lately and I realize some of the things that we were doing wrong, and I want so much to change things on my end that I have been working very hard to do so. I get the feeling that we have both been undergoing a time of evaluation for ourselves and our relationship. However, I believe that in order to get a true perspective on things and how or if we can make this work we should take a break from talking to each other so much. This is going to be very hard for me and likely for both of us, but I love you so much and I truly feel that this is the best way forward. I respect your feelings and wish to give you the space that you required, physically and mentally. Therefore, it would be healthy for us to take a week off from talking to each other. Upon that time, we can reevaluate where we stand, what we both need from each other, and how we can best satisfy those needs. Believe me, I would do anything to truly satisfy your needs, once you are sure of what they truly are. If upon the end of that week we decide that we need more time to reflect, then that is fine too. This does not mean that I don't love you. I am doing this because I love you and I do not wish to stumble forward; rather move towards a goal of mutual happiness. Please take this as a chance to reflect on what we have been through, on how great things were, and on the mistakes we made and how we can do away with them in the future. This does not mean that I do not want you to come visit. I look at my calender everyday and count the time. If I wasn't so scatter brained I guess I wouldn't have to, but you know me and this is actually one of the things that I am working on. I've spent the best 4 years of my life with you; indisputable fact for me. I hope that after this period of evaluation both of us will have some insight into how we can better ourselves and on the status of our relationship. Love Zach I have not sent it yet. We still talk a lot and it seems as though the spark is still there, so would this be counterproductive? Or would this make her miss me more, or just tick her off? Hard to tell since we jumped into LDR when she said she needed space. I know from reading on here that 1 week NC isn't hardly anything, but she is coming to visit in about 1 month and I am helping her get her visa etc. so that requires contact. Therefore, I figured that a short time of NC may be healthy and feasable for us both if she is to still visit me. Will this drive her closer or further away? Thoughts? Edited October 16, 2012 by zjmorris
Author zjmorris Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 I just read your thread. WOW. Thanks man. I still want her to visit, but I am not really expecting anything now. If she has a great time, and we still have the spark then awesome. Right now I need to and am getting on with my own goals. It's just hard. I will be here for 1 year (she will come for 1 month), so maybe after that year things will be better. If not then that is def her loss big time.
Author zjmorris Posted October 17, 2012 Author Posted October 17, 2012 I sent the e mail anyway. I don't view it as asking for anything. It's a statement telling her what I'm going to do, which is go NC for a week or two. I will wait for her to initiate after that time period and won't reply if she initiates before it's up. She could do to miss me more than she does now, she deserves that she earned it.
Author zjmorris Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 Update Sent the E mail. Ex tries to contact me, I don' let her. She says she respects my decision but it's not "what she expected." Ex asks if I am having second thoughts about her, I don't respond, awesome. Ex's family begins trying to contact me on fb. I reply to her brother (not about her, he wants to sell some shirts that my friend makes so I put them in touch). Ex begins asking my family to do stuff (asked my sister and mom out to lunch, they refuse) awesome. Ex's mom says that they miss me that the family really misses me (on fb I don't respond). So, is this a case of her missing me? Insecurity? Self validation on her part? I can't tell, I know I shouldn't care, and I am working on that and myself (working on myself a lot lately, can't believe I broke up w myself now were back together). Thoughts? Good? Bad? F*** it and extend NC after the week? Feels good to hold some freaking cards.
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