Sugarkane Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I was reading an article in the Daily Mail (don't laugh). It was about a female soldier feeling guilty about working. Yet men go to war and Miss out on milestones. Yet no one makes them feel guilty about it. There's a tv show called House Husbands over here. Made me laugh as being a house husband still sounds like an oddity.
Els Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Well, some traditions have been there for hundreds of years, and it takes time to fully effect change into a completely egalitarian society. The laws are there in most countries, but people still take time to adapt, culturally. The other side of the coin is the house husband who is looked down upon by some other men and women. Those people are unable to appreciate the beauty of a father wanting to give his life to raising his children, because they are conditioned to believe that the man should be bringing home the bacon.
KraftDinner Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I don't know, but my personal observation is that my female friends lose interests in their careers and work out of necessity, while my male friends keep interested and pursuing different career-related goals. Almost all of my friends, male and female, are university-educated. Personally, I have almost 8 years post-sec education and have had 2 careers while looking for 'fulfillment' (I'm 39, female) and all I really wanna do is stay home and take care of my boyfriend while he works. Sounds very 50s but it's true. However, that does not mean women should be denied different opportunities. Because not all women are like me or my friends. And it should be about choices for everyone. If a man wants to stay home, why not? As long as the stay-home partner is taking care of the working partner, why not? Otherwise they're kind of mooches...but I'd love to do all the stuff my bf hates doing, chores, errands, etc. and have a meal ready when he comes home. And I am SO not traditional, but this is the realization I've come to personally. Sorry, tangent sorta. 4
somedude81 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 IMO, the person who wanted the child the most, should make the sacrifices. If she didn't want to give up or downsize her career, then don't have kids. 3
stillafool Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 IMO, the person who wanted the child the most, should make the sacrifices. If she didn't want to give up or downsize her career, then don't have kids. What if they both want kids? Lots of men marry because they want a family. OP this is a great question. I know alot of couples who started off as lawyers and the female had to give it up to be a mom.
Els Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 IMO, the person who wanted the child the most, should make the sacrifices. If she didn't want to give up or downsize her career, then don't have kids. You would be surprised how many men want kids badly but also want to be the breadwinner instead of the childcarer. Which isn't necessarily a problem as long as the woman they are with is happy with being a SAHM.
january2011 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 (edited) From experience, some guys do feel guilty but their role as a provider has been socialised and ingrained so deeply into their psyche that it's almost a point of pride that they are not the ones "stuck at home" doing activities that were traditionally seen as female. It's noticeable that they consider their female partners to have a lower status because they are not earning a substantial paycheck (if at all) or on some kind of career track. It's also noticeable that much of society agrees with them (if you consider society to consist of your general circle of friends and the media). I tried the "stuck at home" lifestyle and it didn't work for me. But equally, I'm not a fan of the commute and daily grind. Thus I try to take the best of both worlds by freelancing and working from home as much as possible. I'm quite lucky to be able to do this. I'm not sure if I could transfer this arrangement if I moved to be with my SO (I'm in an LDR) but given that a lot of what I do just requires a laptop and good internet connection, probably. Also not sure how kids would factor into the equation, if I went down that route. From talking to people with kids who occasionally work from home, it seems impossible to get any work done. Having said all that, KraftDinner's post resonated with me and I completely "get" the feeling of losing interest in trying to have a career. It would be nice if I was the head or director of something, but I'm not willing to make the personal sacrifices that that would require. But I'd be happy to support my SO, if he wanted that for himself. I know he doesn't though because he's already learned the mistake of what it means to sacrific family over career and we've both agreed to aim for a good work-life balance. In my location, there's a job market for former professional moms - they offer their expertise in their fields but they also have reduced hours, freelance or as an interim manager, so that they can take care of their family as well. Edited October 11, 2012 by january2011
pink_sugar Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I know in places like Japan, women have to give up their career often when she has children. Honestly, I think she and her husband should do whatever is the most practical for the kids and sometimes that even means he work from home or he stay at home. I'd say working part time or from home if you have that option is always a better alternative than anyone being forced to give up their career.
carhill Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 IMO, that's relationship-dependent, as well as a function of the psychological synergy of the couple. 'Why' comes down to choice. Why does she choose to give up/downsize her career? She can choose to do so or not to do so. Each choice has consequences. IMO, she should pick the healthiest path for herself and reflective of her investment in and respect for the relationship she's in, presuming the choice is offered up pursuant to that relationship. My own anecdote from the 1950's was that my mom (she said) voluntarily 'gave up' her career which she had been engaged in after building airplanes during the war when she and my dad decided to have me about five years after they got married. She was in her mid-late 30's at the time. My dad was a successful CPA so they could live on one income and his was greater. She augmented that income by using her skills to offset her income loss by tight management of the household. They both made choices and those choices had consequences. For myself, IMO, having a SAHM was more important, as a child, than having a career mom. Was that selfish? Sure, but that's how children are. As an adult, I actually would have liked to have seen how far she could have gone in a career, but she chose differently and I respect that. Women, increasingly, are empowered to make choices; even back in the 1950's, this was evident. Those choices can mean compromise and have consequences. It's all part of the freedom to choose. Choose wisely and proudly. It's your life. 1
Got it Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 While I believe it is still the norm I do see a number of women who are maintaining their careers even after having children. I would not want to be a stay at home but I would be very happy to support my husband in doing so. I enjoy working, I enjoy the stimulation, I enjoy the challenge and I enjoy my career. I am also department head so have the ability to really impact change in a growing company, a very heady feeling. I do think that it is a case by case basis, ideally what would be great is to have one/both grandmothers as day nannies so it can be a multi-generational upbringing. Either living very close to us or with us. I know my mom would love to do that if given the opportunity. She is retiring soon and would love that chance. I just don't see myself not working on my career. Selfishly it really can make one vulnerable later in life having that hole in your resume and god forbid something happens to your spouse, you need to be able to step in quickly and take care of the finances. I just don't know if a sahp is sustainable now a days. 1
turnera Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Because when we were nomadic cavemen and H/Gs, the men had the physical strength jobs and the women had the 'home'/nurturing jobs. It's how our DNA works. When a child is in need, it tugs at the mother more and she jumps to help him. She's going to be more willing to sacrifice of themselves for the kids. And women working is only a recent phenomenon, the past 150 years, compared to millennia of them NOT working outside the home. Gonna take awhile for that to change our perceptions OR our biological urges.
ASG Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 IMO, the person who wanted the child the most, should make the sacrifices. If she didn't want to give up or downsize her career, then don't have kids. Really??? My mom never stopped working when she had me and my brother. Neither did my dad. In fact, I don't really know a lot of people who have given up working after having kids. I don't even see why they would, to be honest.
mindykrumm Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 I actually know a lot of stay-at-home husbands... But I did give up a great career when I had kids.... I guess because (please don't call me a sexist woman for saying this) women are "more" nurturing or whatever and it seemed easier for me and my "necessary" body to stay home...
Els Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Really??? My mom never stopped working when she had me and my brother. Neither did my dad. In fact, I don't really know a lot of people who have given up working after having kids. I don't even see why they would, to be honest. Because for some people, the cost of daycare for 4 kids outweighs the pay they would get. Or for some people, they want to handle the raising of their kids themselves instead of handing it to outsiders. Or some people can just afford it.
marriedman321 Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 (edited) In the real world, not on tv, the vast majority of women want to stay at home or work part time. Want to.... Most women after giving birth love spending time with their child as opposed to going to some crappy job. If I could afford to, both my wife and I would stay home. This is one of those threads based on a poor hypothesis. What percentage of women want to give birth then support a man and child? In the real world not very many WANT to. Where are all these women at? As an example my wife takes out child to story time, a music class for toddlers etc. In both groups there is not 1 man.. Are we going to pretend men and women are the exact same in how they view raising children? The reality is that women typically are the nurterers, and a normal man will have a basic instinct that kicks in which makes him do anything to support his family after that child arrives. That is more or less biology at play. Edited November 2, 2012 by marriedman321
CarboniteCammy Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 I recently had a baby. He's four months old, and honestly, I'd stay at home with him all day if I could. It's not that I *have* to give up my career, but frankly it's just not as important to me as my baby. When he's good and raised, I'll probably be more inclined to focus on my upward mobility at work. Every woman/man is different and every relationship is different.
dthompson0786 Posted November 8, 2012 Posted November 8, 2012 My girlfriend and I have 3 kids (2 boys 1 girl) with one on the way in April. I work at a hotel and she is a nursing assistant. She makes about half a dollar more than me per but we both work full time. I would be considered more of a house husband because I like cleaning, getting the kids up and about for the day, and laundry (except folding omg hate it!). It's not that my girlfriend doesn't like doing household stuff she likes it too, it's just that I tend to start it before she gets up. But back to the topic, I think it's unfair that women have to generally give up their careers for a baby, both should make sacrifices whether the baby was planned or a surprise. Not just for the emotional impact of stopping a lifelong career, but for the financial reasons as well. I know if my girlfriend leaves her job to become a SAHM I will either be making GM money, or working 2 full time jobs to make ends meet lol
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