for the over 30 crowd..

[ponette]

i have some difficulties that i think wrecked my relationship...anger/depression...withdrawing.

 

i'm trying to get help with this problem currently, and since my last silent, angry withdrawal, i have not had contact with my ex. tomorrow will make 8 weeks, and no, there has been no contact in either direction.

 

after almost 5 years, no 'official breakup' talk, but after a lot of reflection, i think he just doesn't want to put up with my crap any more, and, i understand that. i was in therapy before this last episode, so he knows i'm trying to straighten out my problems, but i had a setback, and people can't straighten things out overnight.

 

has anyone here had an ex they took back who was making honest efforts at correcting their problems, even after significant time apart?

[ponette]

thanks for answering.

i suspect your guy's depression is making all the decisions, not him. you can reach out and let him know you're there to support him, and then let go while you take care of you.

 

i keep screwing up my relationship with the insecure attachment behavior i've described, and after i withdrew 8 weeks ago, i have not heard from him (unless you count an email he sent relaying a work msg and one about a pkg i had to pick up). i never responded, which was stupid, and here i am.

 

i'm trying to straighten things out with therapy, and i'll be getting antidepressants next week, which i really need.

 

i'm afraid it may be too late for me and this guy, which is my fault.

[ponette]

thanks. it's multifactorial, of course. but my childish bs doesn't help.

 

some people say i should leave him alone, and others say i ought to contact him, apologize, and let him know how hard i'm working on things. i want to drop him a line, but i'm such an emotional wreck that i don't want anxiety making my decisions or coloring what i say. at the same time, it's now eight weeks and i guess i don't want to contribute to locking the door that i slammed shut eight weeks ago.

 

he's almost 20 years my senior- we aren't little kids (even if i've acted like one). really confused about what to do, and this place is so full of negativity (and inexperience!) i feel more lost.

 

how long have you two been involved? didn't you say he had some ptsd? sorry he's making it difficult..i feel sure it isn't intentional so much as it is reflexive.

Edited October 11, 2012 by ponette

[Clarice]

Yes I have. My ex took me back after 2 months of being broken up with no contact at all and my situation was hopeless so don't give up!

[ponette]

I honestly don't think dropping him a line and just saying what you've said here will hurt. Even if you can't fix things, I can't see how it will hurt.

 

ok.

 

The door has been closed, it can't get any more closed,

 

i take it you mean to say i can't worsen the situation here, not that you think it's hopeless.

 

but you might crack it open and at least have an ally in your corner while you're trying to sort things out for yourself. If he says "no thanks" then you know it's time to really leave it alone, focus on yourself, and work on doing what you need to to make sure the next relationship doesn't suffer the same way.

 

yes. i agree. it will take courage i'm currently lacking to do this, but i think i have to at this point.

 

My relationship was actually very short, just five months. The problem is he has severe combat PTSD.

 

i'm upset that our men in the military are really not getting back what they gave up for us. disappointing.

 

He was absolutely wonderful for the first few months, but since he's been out officially and cut off from any support, he just keeps sliding further and further into the disorder.

 

he is ill- and worsening, same as if he had hiv/aids or cancer, but because it's behavioral, i think it is harder for partners to cope with. hard to get a taste of the good stuff to have the bait-and-switch happen.

 

I honestly feel absolutely no hostility at all toward this man, but I don't want to be with him when he's like this (irritable, sullen, short-tempered, defensive, non-communicative, and neglectful).

 

can't blame you-you don't need that. we know what we're willing to tolerate and what we aren't, and it doesn't make us deficient partners when we establish and enforce healthy boundaries.

 

thanks for all of your insight in to the relationship dynamic; over the last few posts, you've given me a lot to think about. it was helpful, and i really appreciate it.

Edited October 12, 2012 by ponette

[ponette]

Yes I have. My ex took me back after 2 months of being broken up with no contact at all and my situation was hopeless so don't give up!

 

why not elaborate?

[Clarice]

why not elaborate?

 

After a month of meeting my boyfriend my whole life fell apart for reasons unrelated to him. I had the worst 2 years imaginable and I ended up being really insecure. I didn't become needy but just withdrew. I was convinced he didnt really want to be with me and was just staying out of pity. Eventually he got fed up and left. I know it sounds stupid but I knew all along that we were still in love but I just kept pushing him away. I tried contacting him once and he ignored me. I tried to move on but couldn't. 2 months later it all hit me that it WAS my fault, not 100% but he was just reacting to me. He has since told me how unloved he felt and how he had tried everything but I was still not happy. Anyway I sent him a heartfelt email telling him I knew what I had done and how I had made him feel and the reason why. He called me straight away and we got back together that day.

I think if there is still any love there between you guys, tell him how you feel. Make sure it really comes accross that you understand how you have acted. He needs to know that you are sincere. You also have to be prepared to get no response. The way I thought about it was if he doesn't answer than I am still happy I got to apologise and get everything off my chest and you will also know for sure if there is any going back. If not at least you won't take your mistakes into your next relationship

[january2011]

Not sure why this is aimed at the over 30s as there's nothing in the OP that relates to age, as far as I can see. OP, would you mind clarifying?

 

As to taking back an ex - I personally wouldn't do it. Part of the healing from the relationship, would be to get over the relationship and put the past behind me.

 

I think that the only "for" situation would be if you were both very young when you broke up and a decade or so had past. And in that time, you'd both done a lot of growing up and stabilising your situation.

 

Your depression is a part of you and that will always be the case. Unfortunately, it's life long. You can manage it and find ways to mitigate it. However, it not something that can be cured. As you said, it can't be straightened out overnight.

 

If you are in your 30s, it's unlikely that you will change fundamentally unless you have a major life event and even then, it's unlikely to be a complete 180.

 

It's been two months and even though you were in therapy, it takes a lot longer than two months to recover from the breakup of a five year relationship, in my opinion. And you do need to recover in order to have a solid foundation if you were to try again with your ex or with someone else. Otherwise, it's very easy to return to how you were in the previous relationship.

 

It would be very difficult to put this all on you. In my experience, I'd hazard a guess that he had a part to play. If he has done no work in the two months, then going back to him may not be the best thing for you.

 

I wish you all the best in your continued healing.

[ponette]

yes, i am over 30 and was interested in the opinions of those in similar age group. i'm grateful for all opinions. thank you so much for yours- you, too have given me a lot to think about, and i appreciate you being willing to entertain the notion that this isn't entirely my fault. there is certainly responsibility on both sides.

 

mostly, i'd just like to think that it isn't hopeless.