LosinginLove Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 My guy and I have been on the outs for 6wks now. We've been together for 9yrs and friends for 15yrs. I'm still not sure what happened between us but it's not looking good. He moved out of our apartment and I have been living there alone since he left. I told him I would move out because I just can't stand to live in the house knowing he's not gonna come back. He said he still loves me and wants us to have a future together but he just needs some time to himself to work out the issues he has with our relationship. We've had little to no contact over the past 6wks. The few times we did speak left me with more questions than answers. Last Friday we got into a heated argument and I told him that if he wanted to be with me he'll have to prove to me that he wants to be with me. I told him that I wouldn't contact him at all and that the ball was now in his court. The following Monday he txt me saying he was sorry for the way he had been treating me throughout this ordeal and that he never meant to hurt me but rather he was just looking out for himself and wasn't really thinking about how I was being affected. I told him I accepted his apology and that was that. I didn't hear from him until today which is over a wk since our last point of contact. He txt me today a somewhat cold msg saying "Hi. How are you? I hope you're OK. I was just wondering if you moved out yet because someone is interested in the apt." WTF? I'm not sure how to take this. He's suppose to be showing me that he wants to be with me like he said he does but his txt was just so cold like he just doesn't care anymore. He never said he wanted to break up. He just said he wants to separate while he works things out. He said a break up meant we wouldn't get back together and he wants to be with me but doesn't want to break up. His actions toward me however, say "I don't care about you anymore. I'm only thinking about myself. Not you." Should I just accept that it's over even though he hasn't actually said it's over? Should I be the one to pull the plug completely out? A part of me wants to just let go and forgive him and reconcile but the other part says run. It's hard letting go of someone you've loved for 15yrs especially if you weren't the one questioning the relationship in the 1st place. Please offer any advice.
Jack32 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 If the two of you have been together for so long than it seems like you were doing something right. Maybe give it some more time and see what happens. It also might be a good idea to clarify the part about the apartment it seems pretty random and strange.
Author LosinginLove Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 It also might be a good idea to clarify the part about the apartment it seems pretty random and strange. We live in a 4 family house he owns with his sister and brother-in-law. His name, along with his sister's, is on the deed to the house. His sister, her husband and kids live on the 1st floor and we live upstairs on the 2nd floor. Across the hall from us is a tenant and in the basement is a tenant. He moved out 6wks ago to stay with his parents. He says that he no longer wants anything to do with the house, he doesn't consider the house to be his anymore and he has no intentions of coming back. He said he'd find someplace else for us to live if I decided I still wanted to be with him after our separation ended. The problem is that he knows I really have nowhere to go. He was the bill payer in our household and without that security it'll be hard for me to make ends meet. I'm gonna stay with a friend but that will only be temporary. I'm confused as to what his intentions are. Like I said, he tells me it's all gonna work out but he's not acting like it's gonna work out. He has been giving me the cold shoulder for the past 6wks which I don't understand since he keeps telling me how much he's still in love with me. What is the problem?
Calico Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 "Hi. How are you? I hope you're OK. I was just wondering if you moved out yet because someone is interested in the apt." You know the man better than any of us here, but this message seems painfully clear to me and just proves what "I need space" pretty much always means: it's over. In most cases, I find, "I need space" is just a "soft" break-up that bypasses immediate conflict, isn't too final, and provides a safe buffer for detaching. 1
KatZee Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 What's with the lack of communication between you two? Something is off here, and it's not making sense. You've been friends 15 years, together for 9 when all of a sudden he's coming to you saying he needs to be alone to work out "issues" he has with the relationship. You're in the dark here, and he's not being forthcoming about what these "issues" are, he's kind of just moved out and gone on with life, and it's been this way for the past 6 weeks. Then out of no where he asks if you've moved out yet? Don't be surprised when you find out there's a third party involved. That's the only thing that really puts this puzzle together. He's not talking to you trying to work out the problems. I'm willing to bet he doesn't even have any valid "problems" to bring up other than, "I want to explore with this new woman." Relationships are composed of two people. He doesn't just get to run off to "sort things out alone." That doesn't help you, it doesn't help the relationship. So personally, I think what he's saying is a load of horse s.hit.
Million.to.1 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I'm really sorry you are going through this. It's awful. Personally, and from the stories that i have read, "having a break" is just the spineless way of breaking up. He probably is finding it really hard after having been together for so long to make a clean break. If he has moved out, and is then asking if you have moved out yet, then from an outside perspective, it doesn't look like he'll be coming back. Saying "i want to be with you in the future" is easy. It's easy to say now and it doesn't mean that he means it. He is probably really confused and doesn't know what he wants and doesn't want to reduce options before he has time to make a solid decision. This really sucks for you. It's going to be tough. If i were you, I would move out of the apt ASAP and find something maybe with another person or a friend. Regardless of whether he comes back or not, I think a fresh start in a new place would be really good for you. I think that he really wants out of the relationship but is still not 100% sure.Hence this bull**** "break" At the moment, he will be in the process of looking at a different future and starting his healing. He has moved out and is starting a life without you already. You will be dangling on a string waiting for him to come around or end it properly. So unfair to you. But nothings fair in love or war as they say. After 9 years i can only imagine what you must be going through. If he came back, do you think that you could ever trust him not to hurt you in the same way again? Can i ask how old you both are?
Author LosinginLove Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Saying "i want to be with you in the future" is easy. It's easy to say now and it doesn't mean that he means it. He is probably really confused and doesn't know what he wants and doesn't want to reduce options before he has time to make a solid decision. I agree with you. He has been telling me this whole time that he loves me, is in love with me and wants us to continue are future together. We were in the middle of planning a wedding for Christ's sake. I don't understand all this. I'm confused as to why, after 9yrs, this is happening. We lived together, were engaged to be married then suddenly, it all came to a halt. By the way I am soon to be 31 and he just turned 32. I kindda feel he said all those things because he thought that's what I wanted to hear but a part of me thinks his words are sincere. I don't know what to believe anymore.
Million.to.1 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Like I said, he tells me it's all gonna work out but he's not acting like it's gonna work out. He has been giving me the cold shoulder for the past 6wks which I don't understand since he keeps telling me how much he's still in love with me. Actions speak louder than words. I kindda feel he said all those things because he thought that's what I wanted to hear but a part of me thinks his words are sincere. I don't know what to believe anymore. He doesn't want to hurt you. He says these things because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. If he wanted a future with you, i think he would be trying to work out whatever these "problems" he is having with you, rather than without you.
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