Feel completely and utterly unlovable and unwanted

[Jingle14]

I keep seeing in the newspapers couples who have split up and got back together, all the lovey dovey photos of these happy again couples, and on this forum from dumpers who are getting in contact with the dumpees. But mine doesn't give a toss about me, has made no effort to contact me at all - apart from replying a couple of times to my contact to him (mostly not replying at all though).

 

I see really horrible, naggy and unattractive women everywhere - even people who I know make their partner's life a misery - with men who stay with them. And I think am I really a worse proposition than those people? I tried my best to be loving, supportive, generous, affectionate and kind, my actions spoke louder than words and he knew I adored him (and he adored me, or so he told me but clearly not at the end). His ex was a horrible woman - still is, using access to his daughter as a blackmailing tool, just because she can and knows it makes him unhappy, it's her power trip - but he chose to stay with her for years and she ended things, not him. I can't have been worse than her, he told me he didn't realise how awful things had been until we got together and he saw how a relationship should be, how people should treat each other. But he still dumped me, I wasn't worth making the effort for but she evidently was (even though he fantasised about me for the last 2 years of their relationship, I found out when we got together, I had no idea at the time!).

 

I put on a brave face all the time, make a big effort with my appearance (for me, not for anyone else), and am constantly given compliments by people, including strangers on the street, and yet this man who was infatuated with me and said was 'out of your league' doesn't want anything to do with me. I know it sounds self piteous but I feel worthless. 16 months on and it's still like wading through treacle each day. Why am I so unlovable and unwanted? He was still very much attracted to me physically, so what does that say about my personality! Everyone else ex seems to want them still in their life, or they realise they have made a mistake and miss the person they dumped - all, it seems, apart from mine.

 

Sorry for the whinge, had a really, really tough day dealing with my feelings and memories, kind of overwhelmed me today and I can't make any sense - all these months on - of how he and I got to this point, of being nothing to each other, of me not existing at all in his world or he in mine.

Edited October 10, 2012 by Jingle14

[Sarahbee]

Hi Jingle14

 

I'm so sorry that you're feeling like that, it's really the pits. You're taking this all really personally, which I know is hard not to do, but really it's not totally about you. It sounds like he was not actually ready to have a mature and loving relationship with you because he was still connected to his ex and all the manipulation she was putting on him. It can take a long time to recover from that, and some people never do - they're emotionally unavailable. It's hard to accept, and I know what you mean about people getting back with their exes - it seems to happen to everyone else and not you. But just remember that a lot of those yo-yo relationships are based on fear of being alone and not love...it's hard to turn your back on something that's not quite right in the hope of finding something better when there are no guarantees, and that's what keeps a lot of people together. Fear is contagious!

 

I think you need to accept that it's over with him, try not to take it on as a failure in you, and when you're going through these rough times of self doubt and unworthiness, try and do something that makes you feel good, whether that be talking to your friends (I drive mine crazy but couldn't have survived without them!), having a warm bath, exercising, walking...anything to bring your mind into the present moment, because really, that's all we have and where we all live. Dancing class does it for me, I'm going as often as I can and while I'm learning a new dance move it's impossible to think about anything but that, and it's fun! Find something like that to shift your focus.

 

Most of all, try not to feel bad about yourself and beat yourself up. This is so not about your value and worth and attractiveness! Don't let this experience rob you of those things. Instead take the lessons from it. You'll be more aware of the signs next time if someone is unavailable on some level, and also you know more now about what you want from a relationship, which is honesty, commitment and fun! I've realised that if it's angsty and doesn't make you feel light and happy and doesn't make your life better, then what's the point? Love should make us a better person, not a nervous wreck.

 

You will get through this, you definitely will.

[todreaminblue]

I keep seeing in the newspapers couples who have split up and got back together, all the lovey dovey photos of these happy again couples, and on this forum from dumpers who are getting in contact with the dumpees. But mine doesn't give a toss about me, has made no effort to contact me at all - apart from replying a couple of times to my contact to him (mostly not replying at all though).

 

I see really horrible, naggy and unattractive women everywhere - even people who I know make their partner's life a misery - with men who stay with them. And I think am I really a worse proposition than those people? I tried my best to be loving, supportive, generous, affectionate and kind, my actions spoke louder than words and he knew I adored him (and he adored me, or so he told me but clearly not at the end). His ex was a horrible woman - still is, using access to his daughter as a blackmailing tool, just because she can and knows it makes him unhappy, it's her power trip - but he chose to stay with her for years and she ended things, not him. I can't have been worse than her, he told me he didn't realise how awful things had been until we got together and he saw how a relationship should be, how people should treat each other. But he still dumped me, I wasn't worth making the effort for but she evidently was (even though he fantasised about me for the last 2 years of their relationship, I found out when we got together, I had no idea at the time!).

 

I put on a brave face all the time, make a big effort with my appearance (for me, not for anyone else), and am constantly given compliments by people, including strangers on the street, and yet this man who was infatuated with me and said was 'out of your league' doesn't want anything to do with me. I know it sounds self piteous but I feel worthless. 16 months on and it's still like wading through treacle each day. Why am I so unlovable and unwanted? He was still very much attracted to me physically, so what does that say about my personality! Everyone else ex seems to want them still in their life, or they realise they have made a mistake and miss the person they dumped - all, it seems, apart from mine.

 

Sorry for the whinge, had a really, really tough day dealing with my feelings and memories, kind of overwhelmed me today and I can't make any sense - all these months on - of how he and I got to this point, of being nothing to each other, of me not existing at all in his world or he in mine.

 

I am sorry you feel the way you do .........you are not unwanted or unloved.....soemone out there is waiting just for you.You gave your love to the wrong guy doesnt mean the right one isnt there

 

days are long nights are longer,

i write this to make you stronger,

dont feel that you are unloved,

check out the heavens above,

for every single shining star,

there is another just not where you are,

they could be near or at the moment from you, far,

you just dont really know,

because right now you cant find,

your own serenity and peace of mind,

i am a stranger and i write this for you,

to make just one smile to get you through,

love is all around,

so look up and never down,

turn your frown into a smile,

make someones day once in a while,

i send this with love from the deep blue sea,

with a smile to you from just me.........never give up.....be inspired.......best wishes and a hug or two just from me to you......deb

 

 

ps bucket is on your left you can retch now....lol....best wishes

[MilitantPacifist]

Don't let the bastards get you down.

 

Seriously, there are a lot of shallow, immature, stupid, and ignorant people out there. You always have to assume they aren't until proven otherwise (otherwise you're becoming more like them).

 

It's normal to wonder whether you're the problem. I do sometimes. That keeps you honest.

 

But, don't let yourself become defined by that. Admit any mistakes you actually made and move on. Just keep being yourself. You'll find plenty of people who like you for you, I have no doubt based on your message.

[Jingle14]

Thanks for your lovely, positive responses. I could say I'm having a down day but it's more than this is an even more down day than the ones I'm used to having ordinarily. I really do try and be positive - the people in my day to day life have no clue I feel like this and my friends are no longer tolerant of hearing me even mention his name now anyway - I dig deep and get on every day, its become a way of life.

 

I have been so hurt, damaged and scarred by this relationship, we're both in our 40's and I've been known as the ice queen for years, so my friends - and me! - were shocked by the change in me with him (and I had been married for years). I honestly thought he was the 'one', this was forever, we planned on living together, a 'forever future' etc. As for being connected with his ex, they hate each other and but for the child he would happily have never seen or spoken to her for the rest of his days, he has nothing but disdain for her His problem is he had only ever had one relationship and, from what he has told me and he admits himself, it wasn't a good grounding or preparation for an adult, mature relationship. He's incredibly immature and expected things to be perfect - no arguments or even slight disagreements at all, and to have things his own way all the time.

 

Thanks again for the words of encouragement, I really appreciate you all taking the time.

[Frank13]

Everyone else ex seems to want them still in their life, or they realise they have made a mistake and miss the person they dumped - all, it seems, apart from mine.

 

Sorry for the whinge, had a really, really tough day dealing with my feelings and memories, kind of overwhelmed me today and I can't make any sense - all these months on - of how he and I got to this point, of being nothing to each other, of me not existing at all in his world or he in mine.

 

I am 10 months N/C. I dumped her because she lost feelings for me. We are the same. Nothing to each other. Not existing in each others world. We are dead to each other.

 

Yet today, like you, it has been a tough day for some reason. It feels like day one and I don't know why. I dreamt about her yesterday but it wasn't as bad a day as today.

 

I just keep pushing on. Nothing is going to change. Contact is not going to do anything but stir up feelings. I just want to move on.

 

So you are not alone.

[CopingGal]

Getting back with my ex was one of the worse mistakes of my life. Your ex is gone and doesn't care? Let that bastard stay gone. I wish mine had. Now, I'm so glad he's gone for good.

[Jingle14]

Getting back with my ex was one of the worse mistakes of my life. Your ex is gone and doesn't care? Let that bastard stay gone. I wish mine had. Now, I'm so glad he's gone for good.

 

I know, I've seen a lot of your posts (especially in the post here instead of contacting your ex thread) and it's clear you've been to Hell and back, a lot of what you've written is very reminiscent of my own experience. I'm not glad he's gone though, I never will be. I'm a fool.

[Jingle14]

I am 10 months N/C. I dumped her because she lost feelings for me. We are the same. Nothing to each other. Not existing in each others world. We are dead to each other.

 

Yet today, like you, it has been a tough day for some reason. It feels like day one and I don't know why. I dreamt about her yesterday but it wasn't as bad a day as today.

 

I just keep pushing on. Nothing is going to change. Contact is not going to do anything but stir up feelings. I just want to move on.

 

So you are not alone.

 

I keep pushing on too, this has been a bad week but I knew autumn wouldn't be easy because it has dragged up all the old, very happy, memories. I do want contact though - although I rarely contact him, for my own self respect - because I have reason to believe he is still attracted to me but how can he ever develop any feelings for me again if he never sees me (and I have made sure any recent contact has left him with a positive impression). But I know he'll never instigate contact with me, he dare not allow himself to let me in again, it won't suit his life. He's gone back to beige and boring, but safe - gone back to the lifestyle he didn't want but staying there means he never has to emotionally grow or develop. We really could have been so very happy together but for him being spineless and shortsighted and that is a very great pity.

 

I wish I knew he occasionally thought about me, but I'll never know.

Edited October 11, 2012 by Jingle14

[bonespockirk]

i feel the same way. i have gotten far since the break up... i have accepted it, i have accepted my closure from him, im trying to move on consciously, but im stuck on the 'hes never coming back' part and 'i am not what he wanted and have never been'

hopefully i will find strength and overcome those hurt feelings as well with time...

[CopingGal]

I know, I've seen a lot of your posts (especially in the post here instead of contacting your ex thread) and it's clear you've been to Hell and back, a lot of what you've written is very reminiscent of my own experience. I'm not glad he's gone though, I never will be. I'm a fool.

 

 

Hi. If my experiences remind you of your own and you are not glad your ex is gone then I suggest you check your self-esteem. How do you feel about yourself? Do you feel you deserve to be treated well? Do you consider yourself a worthwhile person who deserves respect? Do some soul-searching. Good luck. Take care of you.

[Sugarkane]

You're not the only one. I've been in NC over 2 years and haven't been contacted once. Good riddance.

[Jingle14]

Hi. If my experiences remind you of your own and you are not glad your ex is gone then I suggest you check your self-esteem. How do you feel about yourself? Do you feel you deserve to be treated well? Do you consider yourself a worthwhile person who deserves respect? Do some soul-searching. Good luck. Take care of you.

 

Thank you, that's really good of you. I had him on such a high pedestal, just so happy to be with this person who I considered to be full of integrity and goodness, I respected him hugely and had in the previous 3 years I had known him platonically, that I overlooked/ignored/excused/blamed myself for the horrible notes I found written about me, the lying (including a massive one on our first night together) and his general duplicitous, secretive behaviour. To some extent I still blame myself for everything failing, as I know my behaviour wasn't perfect either (and that's what he expected - no arguments, disagreements, not even a little one, ever - even if we didn't want to watch the same thing on tv, he would declare that we were 'a disaster!', he just didn't give me an inch even though he knew I was going through an incredibly difficult time with my divorce and child and ex husband being nasty and aggressive towards me). He dictated when we would see each other and if I suggested otherwise he would text his friends (I knew he was being secretive so I did something I had never, ever done before and took to checking his phone when he left it lying around) that 'she is much the same' - no mention of me being loving, supportive and generous, no mention of the gifts I used to leave in his porchway as a surprise, or my taking him to dinner, planning surprise trips, doing his ironing to ease his burdens, or holding him when he cried when his ex wife was being vicious about him seeing his beloved kid!

 

The rose tinted glasses have been mostly removed and I can see him for what he is, I know I didn't turn him into the person he became, he always WAS that person but showed me his best side initially because he was so happy he'd got me (having also held me on a pedestal for those previous 3 years, unbeknown to me). That's the person I am still in love with and miss each and every day, the person I felt safest and happiest with. I keep trying to convince myself that that person doesn't actually exist. But the person I thought he was is the person I gave my entire heart to, the person I opened up to like no-one ever before. My ex husband would have given anything for me to tell him I loved him (I couldn't, never have found those words easy to say so I never did, apart from to my son) but I told 'him' every single day, I sometimes found it more difficult not to say them to 'him' because I was bursting with love and adoration for him. He used to tell me he felt the same, or he did for a time. I really trusted him, I was very, very wrong.

 

But I do - now - feel I deserve to be treated as well as I know I treated him and I insist on respect. I am outwardly confident - I work in a male dominated profession and regularly go out for dinner when working away with a group of up to 10 men and very easily and readily join in their banter (which was another 'black mark' against me, he wrote in one of his secret notes that 'she was loud and embarrassing, I wish I wasn't with her' after he came out with us all one night - I wasn't at all, I was having a laugh with my extremely professional colleagues, I dislike loud and vulgar behaviour but reading that made me feel like some ladette, and again there was no mention of how I had looked after him the following day when he was ill, how I cared for him and drove him to the drop in centre at the hospital when we got home late that night). Inwardly though, I have doubts and I know, deep down, i didn't think I was good enough for him. Now I know that he wasn't good enough for me, but the happy memories - and there are many - are so deeply ingrained in my heart and mind that it's very, very hard to move on. And I hate that phrase - just because someone says to 'move on, get over him/it' etc doesn't make it so, doesn't make it just happen. I can't go 'oh, alright then, miracle cure'. I don't enjoy feeling like this, day in day out, no matter what I am doing. And that's why, despite people telling me I am 'stunning, a great catch for anyone, brilliant fun and great company', I'll never allow it to happen again.

 

The really stupid bit though is that I know if he wanted me back, I wouldn't hesitate. And he knows that too, I don't even have to tell him. He got pure, unconditional love from me (and his ex wife told him that she had never loved him and I know that hurt him as it was she who pushed to get married and have a child), I got my heart and life wrecked in return. I got replaced without a backward glance.

Edited October 14, 2012 by Jingle14

[CopingGal]

Thank you, that's really good of you. I had him on such a high pedestal, just so happy to be with this person who I considered to be full of integrity and goodness, I respected him hugely and had in the previous 3 years I had known him platonically, that I overlooked/ignored/excused/blamed myself for the horrible notes I found written about me, the lying (including a massive one on our first night together) and his general duplicitous, secretive behaviour. To some extent I still blame myself for everything failing, as I know my behaviour wasn't perfect either (and that's what he expected - no arguments, disagreements, not even a little one, ever - even if we didn't want to watch the same thing on tv, he would declare that we were 'a disaster!', he just didn't give me an inch even though he knew I was going through an incredibly difficult time with my divorce and child and ex husband being nasty and aggressive towards me). He dictated when we would see each other and if I suggested otherwise he would text his friends (I knew he was being secretive so I did something I had never, ever done before and took to checking his phone when he left it lying around) that 'she is much the same' - no mention of me being loving, supportive and generous, no mention of the gifts I used to leave in his porchway as a surprise, or my taking him to dinner, planning surprise trips, doing his ironing to ease his burdens, or holding him when he cried when his ex wife was being vicious about him seeing his beloved kid!

 

The rose tinted glasses have been mostly removed and I can see him for what he is, I know I didn't turn him into the person he became, he always WAS that person but showed me his best side initially because he was so happy he'd got me (having also held me on a pedestal for those previous 3 years, unbeknown to me). That's the person I am still in love with and miss each and every day, the person I felt safest and happiest with. I keep trying to convince myself that that person doesn't actually exist. But the person I thought he was is the person I gave my entire heart to, the person I opened up to like no-one ever before. My ex husband would have given anything for me to tell him I loved him (I couldn't, never have found those words easy to say so I never did, apart from to my son) but I told 'him' every single day, I sometimes found it more difficult not to say them to 'him' because I was bursting with love and adoration for him. He used to tell me he felt the same, or he did for a time. I really trusted him, I was very, very wrong.

 

But I do - now - feel I deserve to be treated as well as I know I treated him and I insist on respect. I am outwardly confident - I work in a male dominated profession and regularly go out for dinner when working away with a group of up to 10 men and very easily and readily join in their banter (which was another 'black mark' against me, he wrote in one of his secret notes that 'she was loud and embarrassing, I wish I wasn't with her' after he came out with us all one night - I wasn't at all, I was having a laugh with my extremely professional colleagues, I dislike loud and vulgar behaviour but reading that made me feel like some ladette, and again there was no mention of how I had looked after him the following day when he was ill, how I cared for him and drove him to the drop in centre at the hospital when we got home late that night). Inwardly though, I have doubts and I know, deep down, i didn't think I was good enough for him. Now I know that he wasn't good enough for me, but the happy memories - and there are many - are so deeply ingrained in my heart and mind that it's very, very hard to move on. And I hate that phrase - just because someone says to 'move on, get over him/it' etc doesn't make it so, doesn't make it just happen. I can't go 'oh, alright then, miracle cure'. I don't enjoy feeling like this, day in day out, no matter what I am doing. And that's why, despite people telling me I am 'stunning, a great catch for anyone, brilliant fun and great company', I'll never allow it to happen again.

 

The really stupid bit though is that I know if he wanted me back, I wouldn't hesitate. And he knows that too, I don't even have to tell him. He got pure, unconditional love from me (and his ex wife told him that she had never loved him and I know that hurt him as it was she who pushed to get married and have a child), I got my heart and life wrecked in return. I got replaced without a backward glance.

 

 

Hmmm, sorry you had to go through that. Some things stick out at me- the constant lying, the secretive behavior, the controlling behavior- so strong he even tries to control what you watch on TV, and treating you badly. These are very serious negative traits that form a foundation for intense emotional and psychological disaster.

 

I don't think about good memories with my ex because he was such a liar, basically the whole relationship was a lie. I feel if basically the whole relationship is a lie, the memories are null and void because they are based on lies. That's why I don't struggle over good memories. I got rid of everything he gave me. There are no gifts. There are no presents. I threw away all his pictures.

 

You know all these things about him, and you still want him. Chances are there's even more terrible things that you are not aware of. Seriously, you need to stay away from this dysfunctional person.

[Jingle14]

Hmmm, sorry you had to go through that. Some things stick out at me- the constant lying, the secretive behavior, the controlling behavior- so strong he even tries to control what you watch on TV, and treating you badly. These are very serious negative traits that form a foundation for intense emotional and psychological disaster.

 

I don't think about good memories with my ex because he was such a liar, basically the whole relationship was a lie. I feel if basically the whole relationship is a lie, the memories are null and void because they are based on lies. That's why I don't struggle over good memories. I got rid of everything he gave me. There are no gifts. There are no presents. I threw away all his pictures.

 

You know all these things about him, and you still want him. Chances are there's even more terrible things that you are not aware of. Seriously, you need to stay away from this dysfunctional person.

 

Anything he got me I have put away, anything I bought for my home such as new cups, bedding and towels, I have also hidden away (although I can't bring myself to get rid of, I know I should but I can't bring myself to do it). The only thing out is the bath towel I bought specifically for his use, the dog has that now but it is something to direct to hatred, anger and bitternes towards. There is no way I could throw away photos, but I do have them well hidden on my pc.

 

I know I should stay away from him but it is difficult when he (and his parents) live in my neighbourhood, he also works locally too, so I have to run the gauntlet whenever i leave my home. Everywhere holds memories. I do know he's dysfunctional though, even though I thought his behaviour was my fault and that it was me who was dysfunctional. I don't know whether you have read my story or not? I have posted it, or a brief summary anyway. I'll send you a link if you'd like to. I've had a very difficult few days but have dug deep and am holding it together, just about. i guess most of us on here are doing that to some extent.

[CopingGal]

I read what you posted in this thread. I know I've read your posts before, as your user name is familiar. But please feel free to share your story with me. I would like to read more.

 

Sorry you are having a hard time. Take care of you. You know, as time passes, you will no longer feel unloveable and unwanted. I felt that way after my break ups, but only after break ups with men who were mean and selfish.

Edited October 14, 2012 by CopingGal

[caligirl23]

Coping Gal,

You are a sweet soul. Thank you for your empathy and warmth not just to me in my previous posts, but this broken-hearted person now.

 

 

I read what you posted in this thread. I know I've read your posts before, as your user name is familiar. But please feel free to share your story with me. I would like to read more.

 

Sorry you are having a hard time. Take care of you. You know, as time passes, you will no longer feel unloveable and unwanted. I felt that way after my break ups, but only after break ups with men who were mean and selfish.