Would a TA date his undergraduate student?

[janinenm]

I'm thinking of asking my college/university TA out when the semester ends. Do you think this is a bad idea? Is it unethical?

 

I'm 21 and I'm guessing he's around 26 since he's working on his PHD.

 

I do think he finds me attractive. I catch him staring at me sometimes during lectures. Last week, we were sitting on opposite sides of the room in a lecture of about 100 people, and he exited through the door on my side then sort of stalled until I left the room so we could walk and chat. He talked to me about where he's travelled and he asked about my career aspirations etc. Not sure if he was just being friendly though. He did the same thing after discussion group, kind of lagged behind to talk to me as we left the room.

 

I'm not sure if I'm overanalyzing everything and he's just being friendly, as a TA is supposed to be.

 

Should I give him my number in the last week of semester? How do I do this without the other students noticing?

[Balzac]

As a TA he must hold office hours. Drop by, at that point give him your number or write it on his board!

[xdahliax]

You shouldn't give him your number in the last week of the semester. Grades normally come in a few weeks after the end of the semester, and you don't want any link with him until it's on your transcript in case anyone catches on.

I know some TAs and professors at my university allowed students to add them on Facebook, it's considered appropriate. That could be a way to get in touch with him once you've received your grade, or you could visit him during his office hours next semester.

Edited October 10, 2012 by xdahliax

[janinenm]

I would wait until next semester to see him in his office hours, but I have no way of knowing what time his office hours will be next semester.

 

I do have his email address but I feel even more awkward about giving out my number via email.

 

He'll probably be helping the lecturer grade our exams so you're right that there is still conflict of interest until the grades come in.

 

Do you think I could get away with giving him my number in the last week and simply tell him to contact me after grades are posted? Or is this still too risky?

 

I'm also worried that we have too much of a student/teacher dynamic now for him to consider dating me. Even though I'm almost certain he finds me attractive, I don't know if that's enough to hedge my bets on.

[xdahliax]

I would wait until next semester to see him in his office hours, but I have no way of knowing what time his office hours will be next semester.

 

I do have his email address but I feel even more awkward about giving out my number via email.

 

He'll probably be helping the lecturer grade our exams so you're right that there is still conflict of interest until the grades come in.

 

Do you think I could get away with giving him my number in the last week and simply tell him to contact me after grades are posted? Or is this still too risky?

 

I'm also worried that we have too much of a student/teacher dynamic now for him to consider dating me. Even though I'm almost certain he finds me attractive, I don't know if that's enough to hedge my bets on.

 

It is still too risky.

 

An e-mail sounds good, but instead just ask him when his office hours are because some of the concepts he taught are being used in another class and you want to clarify them to start your new course on a positive note...

[Balzac]

Dept secretary will know his office hours and more to the point, most TAs post them on their door. I'm not sure is the same class is taught 2nd term but you could easily drop by to run into him in person. There are so many options to gain access to him in person, use your brain!

 

Good luck!

[kaylan]

A stupid one who didnt care about his academic or professional career would.

 

Wait until you arent his student.

 

Though tbh, if hes teaching, and going for a PHd, Id expect him to be smart enough not to date any students at his school.

[bob the brave]

Go for it! Just wait until he is no longer your teacher.

[CptObvious]

he got a dick, right? well then I'd say your odds are good, like 95% good.

[Avulare]

He definitely seems interested. Is he actually in charge of the grades or is the instructor of the course responsible for that? Normally teachers' assistants aren't really in control of much regarding your grade other than quizzes and attendance in discussion periods (assuming the course consists of separate lecture and discussion sessions). In that case, I don't think there's much to be concerned about? After all, you guys are just two adult students at the university engaging in a consensual relationship.

 

At my temporary field job over the summer, I slept with my boss for the last month I was there, who was a PhD. student at the university for which I was working. I'm an undergraduate student at another university. Because it was just a temporary job with no opportunity for a raise or promotion, and my duties would be the same regardless of whether I slept with him or not, was there really anything unethical about it? When you make a bunch of college students live in the same field house for four months, people are going to start hooking up.

[Mrlonelyone]

Do not approach him in a more than friendly way until you are no longer his student. If he agree's to take you out right now it will harm his career.

 

It will go into the confidential letters his advisors and supervisors will have to write.

 

It will keep him from getting tenure at some point.

 

It will keep him from getting certain grants and some people will refuse to work with him.

 

Why should you care? Care, because dating someone you work with, and graduate school is work, should only be done if you think this person could be a long term partner. Let me put it this way. Do you see this man as marriage material? If not then the risk isn't worth it.

[c0nfused88]

I am actually a TA right now. I am trying to think of how I would handle it if one of the students did the same thing. I am friendly with all of the students but also not overly friendly. I agree with other posters that you really have to wait until the semester is over. I highly suggest e-mailing him-- it will give him sometime to process you asking him out and decide if that is something he wants to do. If you do it in person it may be awkward and catch him off guard. Sure he might be attracted to you, but in his mind he may know it can't ever be a reality. Doctorate programs are very challenging as it is, you may want to not complicate his. But, do wait until the semester is over!

[janinenm]

So the general consensus seems to be that I should contact him once grades are out.

 

If I choose to email him and he turns out to not be interested or is bothered by it...I am worried that he'll have written documentation that he might show to the head of department or to my lecturer. I don't want to burn bridges with my lecturer since I plan on taking another one of his classes next year.

 

I'm really tempted to see him in his office hours during the last week of semester, give him my number and tell him I'd love to hear from him once he isn't my TA anymore. This seems like the least awkward way of asking him out.

 

I'm just worried that once semester's over, it'll come off as stalker-ish to email him out of the blue with my phone number, or drop by his office unannounced.

[janinenm]

Another thought, if he was really interested in me would he just ask me out himself??

 

Or is the ball in my court since I'm the student? And a first move on his part would be more inappropriate?

 

Thanks for all the replies so far

[CarrieT]

When I was 21, I tried to date my 26-year old TA in astronomy.

 

I ended up getting an "F" because the teacher thought we were fooling around and that the TA was giving me the answers to tests. The TA ended up losing his job, despite the fact that it was just us flirting and nothing else. We never went out and never hooked up. But enough gossip about it hurt both of us.

 

I'd recommend avoiding...

[xdahliax]

So the general consensus seems to be that I should contact him once grades are out.

 

If I choose to email him and he turns out to not be interested or is bothered by it...I am worried that he'll have written documentation that he might show to the head of department or to my lecturer. I don't want to burn bridges with my lecturer since I plan on taking another one of his classes next year.

 

I'm really tempted to see him in his office hours during the last week of semester, give him my number and tell him I'd love to hear from him once he isn't my TA anymore. This seems like the least awkward way of asking him out.

 

I'm just worried that once semester's over, it'll come off as stalker-ish to email him out of the blue with my phone number, or drop by his office unannounced.

 

Don't see him before the semester is 100% over. I don't think you realize the trouble it may cause.

 

If you e-mail him at the beginning of next semester, he wouldn't show anyone what you wrote because it would be irrelevant. No one could use it against you anyway.

[Mrlonelyone]

Another thought, if he was really interested in me would he just ask me out himself??

 

Or is the ball in my court since I'm the student? And a first move on his part would be more inappropriate?

 

Thanks for all the replies so far

 

He may not even think of you that way. I myself thought of undergraduate students as being off limits period until this last quarter. I know for a fact many graduate students just avoid the whole mess.

 

On the other hand I have asked this same question and been told that many long lasting relationships started from situations like this. We can't choose who we like. You know the TA is interested in something your interested in and have a rapport with him. If there is mutual attraction it's something to build on.

 

Where else will you find someone who's really passionate about the same things you are?

 

On the other hand if this isn't done with great discretion it can harm is and your careers. It's a tight rope, is career worth risking for personal happiness?

[janinenm]

I have seriously not been so attracted to anyone before. As Mrlonelyone pointed out, we can connect on an intellectual level and plus he's mighty good looking.

 

I've looked up my university regulations and there's nothing that states staff dating students is not allowed - only references to sexual harassment and disclosing conflict of interest. So he would have to disclose it if we started dating this semester. This could look unprofessional, but strictly, dating would be allowed.

 

Bottom line is, if he was reeeaally interested he would ask me out himself when the semester ends. He has my email, just like I have his.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Even though it is OK to hook up once the semester is over, it will still look really bad for him.

 

If he is hoping to have an academic career, colleagues will lose respect for him. They even have no way of knowing if you were getting it on during the semester. It just looks icky and unprofessional.

[Jane2011]

I used to be a T.A. at a university and many of my friends/classmates were T.A.s also, going for their Master's degree or PhD.

 

I always get a kick out of people being overly grave about it. "He will ruin his career." "The consequences could be dire for him/her."

 

It happens all the darn time. As a matter of fact, if you're single and are a T.A. for a period of two years or more, it'd be more surprising if you didn't date, and/or at least have a fling with one of your students at some point. More often than not, after the semester is over. It's true the flings and dating happen A LOT; it's also true that they usually happen after the semester is over.

 

I've yet to see anyone's career ruined over it. I guess it depends on how discreet and mature people are, and if they do it during the semester where a student/teacher relationship still exists or not.

 

I've been teaching at the college level for over three years now (2 years at a university, 3 years at community college, with overlap of the two, obviously). I've been attracted to students maybe three or four times, but usually it's just physical attraction, not any type of mental/emotional attraction. Hence, there's really no attraction because I really require both in order to feel attracted.

 

T.A.s and professors aren't the same. T.A.s are often close in age to the students. They're also still students themselves. There's stigma to the involvement but not as much as there is when 65 year old married professors get involved with 21 year old students.

 

I don't see how people can get all crazy about a 27 year old PhD student getting involved with his 22 year old student. Or a 32 year old PhD student getting involved with a 26 year old "older student" undergrad after the semester is over.

 

It's not career-ruining, at any rate, unless crazy people are involved, which is usually not the case.

[JimmyB26]

First of all, it's so nice to see that you're considering the risk to him and his career. That's very mature of you.

 

I was a TA in grad school, and after my marriage ended, and I had about 18 months left on the PhD, I enjoyed a steady stream of 20 and 21 year old outrageously hot college women. That's the beauty of the bonding that can occur during office hours. I always made sure it was with girls who were doing very well in the class anyway, so that there was no confusion that it was personal. To a 29 or 30 year old man, it was the very definition of a dream come true. Did other people wonder? Maybe. I didn't care. We were discreet about it in public and it really wasn't anybody's business. The only proof was in facebook chats and texts. Since it wasn't about grades and they developed feelings for me, they wouldn't want to turn me in anyway because they cared about my success. Half of them had boyfriends anyway, so that helped cover it up. I'm sure that some of these girls' little friends found out about us, and it may have been risky, but it was so much fun, and both they and I got to act out the teacher-student fantasy.

 

As for the concern about grades - most TAs are not responsible for grading all of a student's material beyond quizzes. I graded a portion of everyone's test, but not enough to really influence a student's grade in the class overall. And when you're going through 100 exams, you don't really have time to look at the names on the front page. Furthermore, each exam will potentially be seen by all of the other TAs and the professor, so it would be really stupid for this TA to blatantly award points to clearly wrong answers.

 

Go for it. You're young, and you'll both have a story to tell forever.

[NoMoreJerks]

As for the concern about grades - most TAs are not responsible for grading all of a student's material beyond quizzes. I graded a portion of everyone's test, but not enough to really influence a student's grade in the class overall. And when you're going through 100 exams, you don't really have time to look at the names on the front page. Furthermore, each exam will potentially be seen by all of the other TAs and the professor, so it would be really stupid for this TA to blatantly award points to clearly wrong answers.

 

Go for it. You're young, and you'll both have a story to tell forever.

It depends on the field and the country/education system/university I guess -- I grade EVERYTHING other than the final exam -- the assignments I grade amount to more than 70% of the grade. Also, in my field, there aren't "blatantly wrong" answers -- there are really well-written papers, quite well-written ones, fairly good ones, etc. So it's more subjective and there's more leeway for favouritism. Also, my profs trust my grading, and do not take a second look at the grades. I could easily "slip in" an undeserved A- or an A (probably not an A+ though).

Edited October 14, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

It's not career-ruining, at any rate, unless crazy people are involved, which is usually not the case.

It depends on the university and the department, I would say. There's no one-size-fits-all here. In my department/university, there have been cases of profs sleeping with undergraduate students, and they got away with it (in one case, he had to marry her because he got her pregnant). I know that their counterparts in other universities weren't so lucky. Still, I find the whole thing quite disgusting. I would never even consider dating an undergraduate -- not just because of the age difference (I'm 29, so older than many graduate students in my department) but also because of a mental "block" that prevents me from doing that.

[janinenm]

Update: I GAVE HIM MY NUMBER!!!! And he texted me

 

It's currently the last week of semester (since I live in New Zealand). I went to go see my tutor in his office hours but I didn't have the courage to ask him out since there were other students waiting to see him.

 

So I returned to his office later that afternoon. After pacing up and down the corridor about half a dozen times, changing my mind about whether I should do it or not, I finally walked in to his office and gave him my number.

 

I was extremely awkward. I was barely coherent. I slipped him a piece of paper with my number on it and mumbled "here's my....you know, if you wanted to after the semester's...yeah...bye".

 

I have never felt so nervous in my life! I have so much respect for the male species right now for being able to go through the ordeal of asking someone out on a routine basis. RESPECT.

 

He hasn't waited until the semester's over to contact me though which is a bit worrying? I understand I probably didn't make my intentions very clear. He sent me a text asking what courses I'm taking next semester and we've just been making small talk. He hasn't asked me out yet.

[Balzac]

The deed is done! I predict he waits to ask until grades are submitted. Good Luck.