lost_soul412 Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 (edited) Hello – I’m new here and am hoping to gain some good andsolid advice like I’ve read you providing to others. Now this is long so bear with me. I’m trying to condense it as much as possiblebut don’t want to leave out any important details I’ve been with my live in boyfriend for four years now. In the beginning things were wonderful. He was an amazing and wonderful man. Things progressed rather quickly because wewere so “into” each other. He isrecently divorced and has two younger daughters with his ex wife. I have one daughter who is in college. About a year into our relationship he started showing “signs”of infidelity. I’ve been cheated on inthe past so I sort of know what to look for and I always seem to have my guardup. Well, I decided to check our cellphone records and found that he had been calling and texting his ex girlfriend. This is the girl he dated before me and rightafter he separated from his wife. Wellwhen I called her and confronted her she said that she didn’t know who he was,etc. etc. When I confronted him aboutthe number he said it was his boss’s wife. Well, it turns out that I find out it wasn’t his bosses wife. I found out that he called his ex and toldher that if I called again for her to say that it in fact was his boss’swife. So he actually took the time tocall her to tell her that and then she lied for him when I called her again. Anyway, there have been a number of situations in where hewas contacting ex girlfriend through text behind my back. He works with one of them so I attributed itto maybe working issues. I decided to move on from that. From that point though it was always in theback of my head so I would question things and whenever I did he would lose iton me. Never took the time to reassure. That made the situation even worse. He would make me feel that I was crazy forasking questions. Well about two years ago I was working (I bartend) and I gota call from a friend of mine asking where I was because he just saw my guy atthe bar with another woman. Now, thatday I had a strange eerie feeling in my gut. Just like I knew that something bad was going on or going to happen. My boyfriend told me that my friend waslying. That he just wanted to be with meand break us up. My friend wasn’tlying. He called my daughter at around 11:30at night to get my number. Then myfriend said that he saw my boyfriend at the bar that my boyfriend actually saidhe was. I asked my friend who she wasand he said some new woman who transferred to their company. They all work together. My friend, my boyfriend and this chick. Of course, it was a lie and he made mebelieve that it could possibly be so what did I do? I let it go..sort of. A year after he was acting strange again, I was noticingwhite semen stains and sex stains on his underwear from days that we weren’t togetherall day and I got suspicious again. Checked the cell phone records and saw a number that he was texting likecrazy. Did a reverse cell look up andfound out that this is the woman that he was seen with at the bar. They had been texting constantly all day longuntil 5:00 when I got off of worked. Thetexting stopped. Of course I confrontedhim about it and they were just “friends”. A female friend (who is 12 years older than him) that my boyfrienddecided to never tell me about. When Icalled her to confront her and ask her who she was she wouldn’t tell me. Got really defensive and said that I neededto ask my boyfriend who she was and that they’re just friends. Hung up on me. Defensive I’m assuming because she wascaught. Anyway, he said he never told meabout her because it was nothing serious, etc. etc. and nothing for me to beconcerned about. Guess what? I let it gobecause he made me feel like “hmmmm…well maybe? What if I’m over reacting? I let it go. A fewmonths down the road I was praying on it because of all of the signs and I wasn’tstrong enough to leave. Well, after Idropped him off to the airport for a business trip I came home and he accidentallyleft his personal email up. To me, itwas sign from God and I had to check. Well I found an email exchange between the two of them. It was her saying how she was sorry that shecouldn’t talk long. That her phone wasdying and that he’s going to have tocall her from another phone because she knows that I check the records and hecan’t or he’ll get caught. She said howshe seemed so happy because she wasn’t as messed up over him like she wasbefore. That she’s hoping he can knowthe REAL her now and that if he ever needs a friend that she could be a goodone to him if he wanted to let her in. She said it was nice seeing you today. You still look handsome [ Well I called him while he was out of town and confrontedhim and he hung up on me. Wouldn’t talk to me about it. Kept texting me though on how much he loved me and it’s not what it seems, etc.etc. Well, when I finally did talk tohim he told me that she had a major crush on him which is why she was so “messed”up over him. That he loved me and thathe would never hurt me, etc. I told himso after I found out that you guys were texting you told her to stop textingbecause I was on to you and you decided to give her your personal email addressto keep in touch?! How deceitful is that?! I decided at that point to move out from our home. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had had enough. Well guess what? I found I was pregnant the week after I movedout and decided to forgive because of my “situation”. Well, I had a miscarriage about a monthlater. Him and I met for cocktails one night and I could tell hedidn’t really want to be there. He wasacting very strange and started arguing with me. Told me that things were feeling “heavy” andthat he just wanted me to take him home. Well I asked him why he was acting so suspicious and he started callingme crazy. To leave him alone, etc.etc. He threw me out of the house thatwe once lived in. I had a horriblefeeling all night. I couldn’t sleep andwoke up in panic and anxiety. I decidedto drive by his house at about 7:00 am and there was a car in the driveway thatI never saw. Well, I got out of the carand looked into the window and there was a girl standing there. Buttoning hershirt up! I was so traumatized and shocked..I didn’t know what to do. I walked aroundthe back and he left the key in the door. So I walked in and on the living room floor there was a bed made andwine glasses, etc. I heard him upstairssaying to her “so are you just going to stay here?” and I started to walkupstairs and he walked down..he said what the hell are you doing here!? I saidwhat the hell is going on and proceeded to go upstairs. Well, I walked into the room and guess who itwas? It was his ex girlfriend. The onethat he was with before me. I asked whoshe was because I couldn’t recognize her at first and she said “why don’t youask everyone else?” Not sure what that meant. Doesn’t even matter… I went downstairs andI seriously went to lose it on him and he grabbed me by the arm and threw meout of the house..didn’t say a word to me..said “come on, you gotta go”. This is the man that I had spent years of mylife with. A week exactly after I had a miscarriage. I was so torn and traumatized. I left feelinglike a zombie. I was hysterical. Called friends and family. He calledme about thirty minutes after I left and said he didn’t touch her. That he happened to run into her at a bar inthe area and she needed a place to stay because she was too drunk. I know that she lives about an houraway. I guess that explains the bed madeon the floor and the wine glasses, right? Well guess what? Outof fear of losing him for some reason I made myself believe his lies.. I’ve never let it go…he moved back in with me into the apartment that I movedto. He shaped up a lot. Got really sweet. Talked about marriage and for some sicktwisted reason I believed him. Well, as of late. Things have been really rocky again. I don’t trust him so I question everything he does. The thing is though whenever something comesup he will not reassure me. He’ll saythat I need to let it go because it’s the past and I need to stop actingcrazy. I decided to check the cellrecords and he texted the older lady that he was seen out with that wasn’t so “messedup over him anymore” and of course when I confronted him it’s all workrelated. I asked him to let me see thetexts and he deleted them. I told himthat it looks horrible and like he’s up to something and he said it’s not aconspiracy. You’re crazy and make up allthese conspiracies in your head. I toldhim that after all that’s happened of course I’m going to feel that way! Why can’t he just reassure me. He said I didn’tdeserve it because I question him on everything. He said that he doesn’t know what I do becausehe can’t check my cell records. I toldhim he has no reason to not trust me! I’ve never done anything to him. So yesterday we got into a huge argument because I wanted totalk about why he’s distant, etc. I senthim a long email expressing how I’m feeling and of course he tells me that I’mcrazy, I’m a b*tch and c*unt and crazy and he doesn’t know why he’s with me,etc. etc. I told him you’re with me because you’re using me. You have no car, a place to live and I’mwonderful to your daughter. I act likeyour wife and take care of you when I shouldn’t be, etc. etc. and all I’m doingis asking for reassurance after all that’s happened. He doesn’t understand how it looks bad tome. He won’t reassure though. He made me feel so bad. I’m just at a point that I know that things are not looking good. I’m so afraid to leave and “lose” him tosomeone else because I know the good he has in him and he’s made me feel likeif I would just shut up then things would be good. He said he would respect me when I earned it. I’d like to mention that he has also been physically abusiveat times and has threatened as well. Ofcourse he makes me feel that I MADE him do it because I bother him so much andthat if I’d just keep my mouth shut, etc. etc. Never apologized for that. Signs of a narcissist huh? Am I wrong in any of this? I don’t know what to do? I feellike this is all my fault. That I’vepushed him into the arms of another woman because I’m not normal I really am sorry for the long thread but I’m not sure whoelse to reach out to for advice. If myfamily knew about this they would be traumatized and I don’t ever want themhurt. I look forward to hearing from some of you on whether it’sme? Am I wrong? What can I do to fix it? Should I just make him leave? My heart is breaking because I keep thinking that maybe if I just “live”like he wants me to and take things day by day that things would change. I love him. This is killing me. I know I should be stronger as I’m an attractive woman witha great job, am so good to him and his daughters, etc. I’m torn though. Because I feel as if I’m to blame for thedemise of our relationship. Because I’mobsessive and crazy. Thank you so much in advance!!! Edited October 10, 2012 by lost_soul412
CarrieT Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I'm sorry - that was WAY too long to read... I got that you have caught him cheating and lying. So the next question is, "Why would you still want him?" Time to move on... 1
Darren Steez Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 ? What advice do you want again? Cum stains on shorts, lying, cheating, threw you out the house after you found him screwing around a week after your miscarriage?
TaraMaiden Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 ? What advice do you want again? Cum stains on shorts, lying, cheating, threw you out the house after you found him screwing around a week after your miscarriage? OP, You're not crazy. That is, you are - for staying with him, listening to him, giving him the benefit of the doubt, believing him, putting up with his abominable behaviour - and asking us whether you're crazy.
MilitantPacifist Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I'm always willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt, but come on, what world are you living in? Yes, he is, was, and will continue to cheat on you. I've never seen anything so obvious. You *are* crazy, because you're willing to rationalize away a very long laundry list including physical evidence that would hold up in a court of law if need be (remember Clinton and Lewinsky? lol). Seriously, wake up. Move on.
veggirl Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Wow. Have you considered individual counseling? You have serious self esteem issues, OP. He has cheated on you countless times, disrespected you, physically abused you, emotionally abused you.......... KICK HIM OUT!!! tell him to FK OFF and throw his s.hit OUT. Change your locks. Change your phone number. Change your email. You have a daughter, look at the example you are setting for her. You are teaching her that THIS is what women should settle for from men. You are teaching her that women should stay with men who abuse them and cheat on them........ 1
Author lost_soul412 Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Hello all and THANK you for the responses! Yes, you are all right and he needs to go. I can confirm this even more. He has recently had his car repo'd and only see's his daughter once every other weekend. Anyway, I told him today that I'd take him to look for cars and this weekend. I asked him what he had going on and he was upset about that. Said that he's not sure of what he has going on within the next hour, next day, next week or month. I said, ok fine. I told him that he could use my car this weekend and he said he didn't want to rely on me for anything. So I said so you feel like you're relying on me for things? Would you even be living with me if you had the means to move out right now and a car? He said "there you go again. Asking dumb questions that mean absolutely nothing". I said I'm sorry but I need to know where my life is headed. It's ok to ask these things. Especially when you're acting distant and texting a woman that you had an inappropriate relationship with. He again said that it wasn't an inappropriate relationship, blah blah blah. Well I get home today and he's drinking beer. I said I could use one to . I was planning on having a ****tail when I got in because my day was so hectic. He said my daughter wants me to pick her up. I said do you want to go today or tomorrow? Because I could go with you tomorrow. I'll get off of work early and everything. He didn't say much. So I came out and asked him what he wanted to do. I gave him a chance to go. He didn't. Anyway, I had one beer and stopped drinking becasue my stomach started hurting. He said, I thought you were going to drink with me. He said I didn't pick up my daughter because you said you wanted to drink. I said I told you to pick up your daughter. Why are you blaming me for this? I told him that I can't continue to take the blame for all of the bad in his life. That I'm the one who helps him, etc. He told me to stop talking and I told him that I'm not done. That I'm hurt that he makes me out to be some evil person. I told him that I'm only here to help him. He got upset. Said that he just wanted to eat his dinner and to leave him alone. Walked towards our bedroom and kicked the door in. I went back there and said did you break the door? He said I hope so! I told him at that point to get the hell out. I don't want him here. He grabbed his food and just ate it. Then he comes out and I tried to calmly talk to him. I said, I'm not here to hurt you. I'm here to help you and I'm sick and tired of you making me out to be some evil crazy person. He said why are you saying this to me now? When I'm drunk? I said it doesn't matter if I tell you when drunk or sober! I'm telling you because I'm hurt. When I told you that I would help you find a car earlier..that doesn't make me a bad person. When I told you I'd go with you to get the girls and take off of work early so we can get there sooner than later..that doesn't make me a bad person. When I told you that I want to get pumpkins to carve with the girls this weekend. That doesn't make me a bad person. I told him that it's not fair. That I can't win with him. He's unreachable. I told him that he doesn't appreciate anything that I do and he never has anything good to say. He never even thanks me! He said "oh because I'm living the high life with you , right?" I said I'm not iiving the high life with you either! What is that you want from me?! If you're not living the high life, WHY are you here?!?! He didn't have an answer as usual. Just his demeaning smirk that says "you're crazy"! I told him that I can't do it anymore. That I can't keep talking about this. He said, "yah you said that last time so why are you saying it again?" I told him that it's MY fault that he thinks of me that way. But that I've had it. He said that he "let the argument" go along time ago. Why am I still talking? I told him to stop dismissing my feelings. And to stop walking around with that grandiose sense of entitlement. To get rid of that smirk because it's not funny. He's just laying in the bedroom. Just laughted at everything that I said. I'm seriously just fed up. I understand that yes, I may drive him crazy with wanting to "talk" and figure things out but that's who I am! I communicate! That's what people in healthy relationships do! Right? If he would just TALK for once than maybe I'd stop. But he won't. He doesn't care to. He really doesn't care about me. He is a true narcissist. It hurts me because no, we don't have a mansion but I'm proud of my place and all of the hard work that I've done to get here. If he's not living the "high life" why and the HELL is he with me!?!?!? I just want him out. I feel like feels that there is better out there for him and that crushes my heart and self esteem because I've given this man 150%! What is "better" for him? My self esteem is shot. What does he expect? So now on top of everything else he doesn't like his surroundings? They're not good enough?! I'm honestly afraid to tell him to leave right now because he's drunk. I'm also afraid of him leaving for someone else. I feel like why wasn't I good enough? Why? Feeling so many mixed emotions right now. This man thinks that I'm a joke. It's only my fault. How do I approach this? Can some of you who have been in my shoes please tell me why I'm petrified that I'll come home tomorrow and all of this things be gone? I feel likei it's all my fault. Like I'm not good enough.
Jack32 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 You listed a bunch of separate examples of him cheating and lying about it. The fact that he has been abusive and blamed his infidelity on you is the cherry on the cake so to say. Either tell him he needs to change or just get rid of him. It seems like you are wasting your life with this guy, you only get one after all!
MilitantPacifist Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 (edited) Wow, what a complete ass. Seriously, throw his stuff on the front lawn, change the locks, and get a family member to stay with you while he collects his crap from the lawn and gets lost (since he has no issue with destroying doors). If your name is the only one on the lease, call the damn cops if that's not enough and ask for assistance with an eviction. They'll take care of it. Can some of you who have been in my shoes please tell me why I'm petrified that I'll come home tomorrow and all of this things be gone? I feel likei it's all my fault. Like I'm not good enough. The reason you feel this way is because he wants you to feel this way. He's manipulating you and trying to make you feel like the bad guy, when clearly that isn't the case. I guarantee once he's gone and not buzzing in your ear your confusion on this point will disappear. Edited October 11, 2012 by MilitantPacifist
freestyle Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 You've been gaslighted up the wazoo,dear. If you're not familiar with the term--a google search could very enlightening. It can do a number on your head, and damage your self-esteem so badly, that you start to lose faith in your own judgment. I suspect that's why you're still allowing him into your life. Go back and read your opening post---and imagine it was your sister, a cousin, or a close female friend telling you that story. What advice would you give her? This man is NOT your best friend. You need to learn to be your OWN best friend, so that you can regain your self-esteem, and learn to shore up your boundaries. No one deserves to be treated the way you've been treated. Also---please do some reading on emotional abuse, and emotional abuse tactics.This is an abusive situation. 1
veggirl Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Yes you do need to read up on emotional abuse. you will feel less alone. You need to find a way to take control. You will be sad, depressed, lost for a while without him, but you will not be that way forever and you will look back and kick yourself for staying so long. Don't do anything drastic while he is drunk, it honestly sounds too dangerous. When he is sober tell him he needs to go, kick him out....please do it...wait til he is sober.. do you have a friend or relative you could stay with for a while? so he can't find you?
veggirl Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I'm also afraid of him leaving for someone else. I feel like why wasn't I good enough? Why? Understandable, but you have to realize that NO woman is going to change him. he won't be "good" for ANY woman. another woman might put up with his s.hit and get sucked in like you did, but she WON'T be getting anything more than you did. she won't. this is how he is. he is a grown man, THIS is who he is. NO woman will change that. it has nothing to do with you..there is nothing you could do to change things. it's not you. Feeling so many mixed emotions right now. This man thinks that I'm a joke. It's only my fault. It's not your fault. look up gas lighting......
KathyM Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 It's time to stop wasting your emotions and your life on a guy who abuses you and cheats on you. You don't need this crap. You don't need him. You are expecting him to behave in a way that he doesn't have in him (monogamous). The sooner you realize that he is not going to change and the sooner you realize you can't be policing him like you have tried to, the sooner you can let go and give up this guy. He's not boyfriend material, and you need to accept that and let him go.
Author lost_soul412 Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 (edited) Good morning and thanks for all of the advice. This board is a Godsend! I know what I need to do and I’m getting there. I need to plan this out perfectly because he has been violent and I’m afraid that he’ll lose control once I really stick to my word. He’s never taken me seriously because I’ve forgiven him for the most horrible things. I’ve been his doormat in the craziest way. So I’m afraid of his reaction Also, I know that I shouldn’t take it personally but it’s so hard not to. Like I said before I’m an attractive woman (I’ve been told), have a great job, am responsible, take care of him, my daughter and his daughters like a good wife (when I’m not his wife), etc. etc. so I’m wondering WHY he would do this to me? It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me that I wasn’t good enough. That maybe I pushed him to this with my obsessive “craziness” that he caused. According to him he never cheated on his wife. That he was a cheater a few times in pas trelationships until he got married and then decided to be a good, faithful husband and she wound up cheating on him and leaving him. His ex-wife and I talk and are friends. We’re on great terms for the children and just naturally have a good connection. I asked her if he ever cheated on her and she said no. That she cheated on him. So does that mean he does have it in him to be a good, faithful person? Or could itbe that he did cheat on her and she was too busy cheating that she didn’t notice or care to notice? Or maybe she’s just a trustworthy woman who didn’t look for things? I’m just wondering if any of you think it’s possible that he’ll stop cheating and being abusive? Wake up and realize or be a better man for another woman? That would kill me. I’m sorry if I’m completely delusional right now. I know I am. I’ve gotten stronger though. This I know because I’m here on this board. That is a HUGE stepping stone for me. I look forward to hearing more from you! Edited October 11, 2012 by lost_soul412
CarrieT Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I’m just wondering if any of you think it’s possible that he’ll stop cheating and being abusive? Wake up and realize or be a better man for another woman? That would kill me. Trust me, it won't kill you. At that point - by the time you have the strength to kick him to the curb and move on - you won't care what he's doing or with whom. I’m sorry if I’m completely delusional right now. I know I am. I’ve gotten stronger though. This I know because I’m here on this board. That is a HUGE stepping stone for me. You are not delusional, you are "in the process." It takes time and as you continue posting here, you WILL get stronger and it will be possible for you to break free when you are ready. Many of us have been there and we are here for you.
Author lost_soul412 Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Thanks Carrie T - So you're thinking that it is possible for him to change and be a better man? If so, why not for me? The one that has been good to him. I know what you're saying though. It just sort of makes me feel better to know that he's always going to be this jerk off that will treat all woman the same.
CarrieT Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Thanks Carrie T - So you're thinking that it is possible for him to change and be a better man? Who knows? And, frankly, who cares? I know you do but you need to not concern yourself as much with "what-ifs" regarding him. T If so, why not for me? The one that has been good to him. Because IF he ever does, he needs to do it for himself and not for anyone else. It is just like an alcoholic (I lived with one). Why couldn't he be sober for me, the one that was so good to him? If they ever do (change for the better, sober up), they do so for themselves and that is a good thing. But they can't see the forest through the trees. I know what you're saying though. It just sort of makes me feel better to know that he's always going to be this jerk off that will treat all woman the same. Again - when you get to that point that you are able to leave him and move on, you aren't going to care what he is doing or with whom.
Author lost_soul412 Posted October 18, 2012 Author Posted October 18, 2012 (edited) Cycle Peeple - Yes, I'm sure the situation does sound familiar. I don't think I'm the only person going through this hence the reason this forum is here. To everyone else, I’ve been away for a bit. A lot going on. I think I’ve officially had enough. I’m burnt out. Since he texted that woman again, I’m rightback to square one with the obsessing and checking phone records, mistrust,etc. Yesterday he disappeared afterwork. From 2:30 to around 3:45. He claimed that he had just went home so whenI texts and call and he doesn’t answer or respond the first thing I think isthat he’s doing something wrong. Possibly with her as they work for the same company. I had a bit of a moment where I callednumerous times and texted numerous times. I went into panic mode and angry mode and when I finally did hear fromhim I wasn’t happy. I questioned and Itold him that he can’t disappear on me like that. He said that he’s not my slave and doesn’t haveto check in with me constantly. He saidthat he was at home unwinding, his phone was on the charger and that he wasn’t givinga “F” about me. Do you know how muchthat hurt me? To hear him say that? Anyway, I got home and he was sleeping on the couch after hepromised that he would help with laundry and have it done for me because we hada lot to do after work. We were supposedto pick up a new dining table. So I wasannoyed with that. I started laundry andsaid I was hoping that it would be done. I don’t ask for a lot. I said now that I have to do laundry alongwith everything else no we probably won’t have time to pick up the table orwill we? He said that he wasn’t takingme to do anything after the way that I talked to him. I said how did I talk to you? All I did was say you can’t disappear on melike that. I said that reassurance is apretty small price to pay considering all that he’s done to me. I told him that yes, I know I had a “moment”but I did so because he texted that woman and took me back to a place. He immediately got up off of the couch shouting and said “howdare you bring that up again! How dare you accuse me” grabbed me and threw meinto the bedroom and closet. He told methat I’m luck he didn’t beat my ass. Isaid all of this because of something that you did?!?! All of this because youwon’t take the time to reassure me. Heagain said that I’m crazy, and whacked out and a cunt and bitch and that all hewas doing was laying on the couch and I had to bring stupid stuff up. I told him that it was over and I wanted him out of my apartment. That he’s not going to treat me that way andget away with it. I told him the onlyreason I’m not calling the cops on you right now is because your ex-wife (themother of his children) is getting re-married this weekend and I don’t want todo anything that could possibly cause a damper on her day. He locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn’t comeout. For some crazy reason this whole sense of overwhelming fearcame over me and I started thinking that yes, I’m in the wrong and that yes, Ideserved it. So I begged him to stay andlet me talk..I felt the need to apologize for my end of upsetting him and theneed to explain and prove that I’m not crazy like he says. I told him that I’m sorry for what I did toupset you but you need to, for once please look at things through my eyes. I’ve forgiven for a lot over the last fewyears and although I’m still with you I’m partially damaged. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve lostmyself completely. I said that yes, I’mcrazy because I keep having hope and trying to get through to you because I loveyou and nothing works! NOTHING..it’slike I’m talking to and trying to get through to a brick wall!I told him that I’venever called him insane or crazy or mean things! That when he says those things they scar meemotionally. He told me to stop talkingthat he’s tired of me repeating myself. Itold him that I’m sorry but I’m a communicator and I’m an emotional woman andyes, I’ve had moments of craziness but not for no reason. That all I’ve done is try to love and be goodto him. That after all he’s done, givingme reassurance for as long as I need it should not be an issue. I told him that he gets more angry though. This whole time as I’m crying and explainingmyself to him he’s laying on the couch with some smirk on his face. He told me that nothing I say makes sense.That all he did was come home and lay on the couch. I said so you feel that you don’t need toapologize for anything that happened today and he said that no, he just camehome and laid on the couch. I said youdon’t need to apologize for threatening to beat my ass and for calling mehorrible names? He said not a word. I said it’s so disturbing that you can lyehere and act as if you’re holier than thou. That I’m the ONLY person who causes issues in this relationship. He told me that I sounded dumb and that Ishould feel stupid for talking. He said “don’tyou feel stupid?”..I said yes, I do. I feel really stupid. I said that he hurt me and he will NEVER makeme feel small again. He will NEVER makeme feel like I’m the cause of the demise of this relationship. I told him that the only mistake I made wasto love the wrong man. To give 150% ofmyself and there is nothing wrong with that. I told him that his narcissism, ego, pride and anger issues are thethings that are crazy. I said at least Ican acknowledge the issues that I must work on. I’m not too proud to do that. Itold him that it’s unfortunate that he needs to learn things the hard way. He told me that I won’t need to worry aboutit anymore and that any person who lives within four walls of me would want tokill themselves. That all I want to dois talk talk talk. I told him that hecould have left and he said no, because you didn’t let me. I said, I just felt the need to explainmyself to you before you left. I justwanted to talk. I said, what kind ofwoman do you need? Someone who isemotionally shut down? He said no, awoman that doesn’t talk as much as you do. I just walked away in disbelief. I couldn’t say anymore because how could I argue with someone who isnever wrong? How could a man who says heloves me be so shut off and evil and mean? I finished laundry and made a sandwich (one for him tobecause I’m too kind hearted). At theend of the night he tried to kiss me and I turned away. Then this morningagain, tried to kiss and I turned away. I am this morning, in the biggest state of panic andanxiety. I’m so distraught. I feel like I have lost all respect anddignity for myself and like I’m literally walking around with a knife in myheart. I’m so afraid that I’m the one who pushed himinto another woman’s arms because yes, I’ve had moments of insanity but I feellike with good cause. I feel like I’mlosing him. That I ruined a goodrelationship. That if I would just keepquiet that things would have been fine. I have no idea what is going on. I haven’t heard from him at all today withhis normal morning texts and calls and why am I so scared? He could be moving right now for all Iknow. Or he could take last night’sfight as a good excuse to go out tonight with friends or whoever and be up tono good. Why am I so afraid that this was me? That I’ve lost out? I don’t even know what to do. I’m so close to leaving work because I can’tfunction. P.S. I was diagnosedwith Post Traumatic Stress disorder by my therapist. I also have occasional OCD which does nothelp with my obsessive thoughts of how he’s hurt me. This is not my fault though and I feel likehe preys on that weakness. Edited October 18, 2012 by lost_soul412
Author lost_soul412 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Bumping this up as I'm in such a mess. I was really hoping to get some more words of advice. I'm so lost. Afraid. Feel so stuck.
carhill Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 IMO, real life professional IC with a psychologist is your best bet. Your issues appear to be beyond the scope of an anonymous peer support environment. In that vein, continuing your apparent current therapy or perhaps getting referred out to a psychologist/psychiatrist for potential medical solutions would be my suggestion.
CarrieT Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Cycle Peeple - Yes, I'm sure the situation does sound familiar. I don't think I'm the only person going through this hence the reason this forum is here. To everyone else, I’ve been away for a bit. A lot going on. I think I’ve officially had enough. I’m burnt out. Since he texted that woman again, I’m rightback to square one with the obsessing and checking phone records, mistrust,etc. Yesterday he disappeared afterwork. From 2:30 to around 3:45. He claimed that he had just went home so whenI texts and call and he doesn’t answer or respond the first thing I think isthat he’s doing something wrong. Possibly with her as they work for the same company. I had a bit of a moment where I callednumerous times and texted numerous times. I went into panic mode and angry mode and when I finally did hear fromhim I wasn’t happy. I questioned and Itold him that he can’t disappear on me like that. He said that he’s not my slave and doesn’t haveto check in with me constantly. He saidthat he was at home unwinding, his phone was on the charger and that he wasn’t givinga “F” about me. Do you know how muchthat hurt me? To hear him say that? Anyway, I got home and he was sleeping on the couch after hepromised that he would help with laundry and have it done for me because we hada lot to do after work. We were supposedto pick up a new dining table. So I wasannoyed with that. I started laundry andsaid I was hoping that it would be done. I don’t ask for a lot. I said now that I have to do laundry alongwith everything else no we probably won’t have time to pick up the table orwill we? He said that he wasn’t takingme to do anything after the way that I talked to him. I said how did I talk to you? All I did was say you can’t disappear on melike that. I said that reassurance is apretty small price to pay considering all that he’s done to me. I told him that yes, I know I had a “moment”but I did so because he texted that woman and took me back to a place. He immediately got up off of the couch shouting and said “howdare you bring that up again! How dare you accuse me” grabbed me and threw meinto the bedroom and closet. He told methat I’m luck he didn’t beat my ass. Isaid all of this because of something that you did?!?! All of this because youwon’t take the time to reassure me. Heagain said that I’m crazy, and whacked out and a cunt and bitch and that all hewas doing was laying on the couch and I had to bring stupid stuff up. Honestly, I tried to read past this but it is really hard because you too many words jamming into one another that the following wall of text was too difficult to understand... But, from the above, there was no reason to go beyond "grabbed me and threw me." From there, you should stop, call the police, and press charges. You are being abused and there is no reason to put up with it any longer.
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