vnm6y2 Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 So I originally posted this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/351189-getting-back-ex It's kind of tl;dr, so I haven't gotten many responses, so I'll sum it up here in hopes of some help. -Dated a guy 3 hours away for a year. -Had some communication problems on both ends that were never fixed, and we should have put the effort into fixing all the issues we had, not just the communication issues. -Things are perfect when we're actually together, its when we go too long without seeing each other that things start to really get troublesome. -His dad died in August, and he's been busy with a performance team for about 7 weeks + practices before then, though the performances have been in town and on the weekends, so I -could- see him. Just for short amounts of time and he was more focused on making sure he didn't get hurt. -He breaks up with me recently and tells me the distance is too much (we really haven't spent time together in almost 3 months, but a LOT was happening) and he feels like he should be in love with me after a year, but isn't. I don't feel like you can put a time limit on things like that and he says he still cares about me, so I wanted to give it one more shot before calling it quits, and he didn't believe it would help. -I told him when we broke up -not- to contact me. I told him that I would need space to move on. -I contacted him recently just so we could talk, and we talked like nothing was wrong. Obviously it wasn't as affectionate/cuddly like a relationship, but it was friendly. We agreed to hang out soon. He'd be coming down here. I will not be contacting him every day, especially before we hang out. Mostly just to confirm plans. I don't want to shut him out completely, because I know him well enough to know that if I do, he will assume I don't want to talk to him due to the breakup and he will respect that and not contact me. But now I'm afraid I made a mistake by asking to hang out, just because every single thing on the internet I find tells me to go completely NC and move on. I do want to "move on" but I also want to try and fight for him back. I'm not fooling myself into thinking there is still a chance, but based on the way he spoke to me I truly feel the stress in his life got to be too much and that's a big reason. So what do I do from here? I'm really at a loss and need help.
meeji Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 How can u want to move on bt want to fight to get him back? Seems like maybe both of your are confused about what you want. Talk to him and see how he feels about getting back together or staying friends. I can tell you now, if you are moving on, nc id probably best until u get a grip. Don't waste time playing games. Just be honest.
Author vnm6y2 Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 (edited) Bringing up getting back together so soon would probably not be the best idea, just because we both have things we need to work on. That I'm pretty positive on. But I do want it to be an option in the future. When I say I want to move on, I don't mean I just want to forget he exists. It's weird, I'm not entirely sure how to phrase it. I do want to fight for him, but I don't want to get so... caught up in the fight. Does that make sense? Edit: We have decided to be friends, I should have specified that earlier. I'm not going the NC rule right now because I know him well enough to know that he will take NC as me not ever wanting to talk to him, so he won't contact me as a means of respecting my wishes. We are hanging out later this month but I'm still not entirely sure of my course of action. Edited October 10, 2012 by vnm6y2
Ami1uwant Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Bringing up getting back together so soon would probably not be the best idea, just because we both have things we need to work on. That I'm pretty positive on. But I do want it to be an option in the future. When I say I want to move on, I don't mean I just want to forget he exists. It's weird, I'm not entirely sure how to phrase it. I do want to fight for him, but I don't want to get so... caught up in the fight. Does that make sense? Edit: We have decided to be friends, I should have specified that earlier. I'm not going the NC rule right now because I know him well enough to know that he will take NC as me not ever wanting to talk to him, so he won't contact me as a means of respecting my wishes. We are hanging out later this month but I'm still not entirely sure of my course of action. You need to move on....the way to do this is take a break from communicating with him. You keeping contact with him will prolong "this". You two can still be friends...but you each need to take a break from communicating with each other. Only fter you two moved on could you two start to recommunicate.
Author vnm6y2 Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 So is it wrong to try and be friends with him? I know that there will be times that get hard if he starts dating, or if I start dating, but we were friends before we were a couple. There will never be a magic moment where we just realize we HAVE to be together after not having spoken. My concern is if I cut him off, I will lose him even as a friend and never even get -that- back. How can I be with someone if we can't be friends first?
meeji Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 It's not fair to say " I want to be with you later... But not now" you can't expect that man . to wait for you especially id you clearly don't want to be committed to him now. If you break the relationship off that's it. You cannot have one foot in the door and the other one out. It'd selfish. You need to decide are you going to be in a relationship or are you going to separate and risk everything you guys every had. There is no being friends unroll both of you have moved on and to do that, you both need space to grow while you are apart. I'm sorry lady, but you can't have your cake and eat it to o
Author vnm6y2 Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 You misread. I -do- want to be with him now. He is the one that broke up with me. Though it might not matter anymore. The two of us got into an argument last night. I was being pushy about a just-friends visit since the weekend we had decided on he realized he couldn't do. I made a mistake, and I apologized to him but I think it is too late. So I deleted his number out of my phone. I'm just going to go NC, but it still hurts. I wish I wouldn't have acted the way I did.
geegirl Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 So is it wrong to try and be friends with him? I know that there will be times that get hard if he starts dating, or if I start dating, but we were friends before we were a couple. There will never be a magic moment where we just realize we HAVE to be together after not having spoken. My concern is if I cut him off, I will lose him even as a friend and never even get -that- back. How can I be with someone if we can't be friends first? You can't be friends when you are emotionally involved and you confirmed that fact when you got upset because he couldn't see you. If your other friends canceled plans on you, would you react this way? You would not. You have a certain level of expectations with this "friendship" and it will never work. Your concerns are irrelevant when you say you are afraid if you cut him off, you will lose his friendship. You can''t have a friendship when you are emotionally hurt and attached. Period. You can't go from lovers to friends, until you heal and move on from each other. "Friends" is the cowardly way of keeping a foot in the door because one is afraid to let go. And if this friendship is beautiful, you can tell him, "Ex, I need NC because I need to heal and move on. I hope in the future we can one day be friends." When that one day comes, if this is really about a friendship, you can reach out and if it means anything to him, it will be ready for you. This whole, "if I cut him off, I will lose him/he won't contact me" is you fearing that he will forget you and move on. You want to remind him of your existence. You want to keep him engaged so he remembers you and possibly tries again with you. 1
Author vnm6y2 Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 You're right. I do want him to remember me and want to be with me. And its hard to not want that.
geegirl Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 You're right. I do want him to remember me and want to be with me. And its hard to not want that. If you have to remind someone of your existence to entice them to be with you, then you have your answer. You are either forgettable or you are memorable. He either wants to be with you or he doesn't. If he has to be coaxed or reminded, or if you have to manipulate the situation to try to make him be with you, it's a pretty sad and pathetic attempt at making someone love you. Try to find your self-esteem and move on. When someone tells you they do not love you, let them go. Don't scheme to try and get them back. And he knows your attempt at being friends has motive. He should want you because he wants you and not for any other reason. And if he does, he will come to you on his own free will. 1
Author vnm6y2 Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 Just a quick moment to rant, since I don't really know what to do or think - So I deleted his number from my phone, and put his Facebook profile on a setting where his stuff doesn't show up on my feed. Still, I made the mistake of checking his page and a friend posted a cheer-me-up sort of picture that said something along the lines of "I know that feel." Considering the breakup is the most recent bad thing to happen in his life, I can only imagine it's about that. So I'm guessing he still has feelings for me, and if he does it really... angers me. Like, I'm actually really upset he broke it off if he still has feelings, instead of fixing things. I know I probably shouldn't be upset, but I am. I'm going to continue NC. But if he contacts me, is this something I should bring up? Should I ever bring it up? Or should I just let it go, and if we ever start to communicate again, start over?
geegirl Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 (edited) Bring up what? That he feels sad? Dumpers have the capacity to feel sadness or hurt when they end with you. They can still have feelings, just not enough or strong to continue dragging someone in a relationship. It's good if they want to fix things, but regardless of feelings, if they feel it's not something they truly want nor if they feel fixing would even change their capacity to feel more for you or want it more, I don't understand you getting mad and questioning. Feelings doesn't always guarantee a happy, healthy relationship. Let it go. You're trying to project your expectations and your "right and wrong" on him. And it's just a post in FB. Don't magnify it or assume you know what it means. Edited October 13, 2012 by geegirl
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