wanting more Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Oh what* a life I have created.* In my 1st posts I had talked about my R with my SO.* Father of my kids,* lots and lots of up and downs,* more downs than ups.* Seperations,* moving states away.* Back together for the kids.* I pay 90% of the bills, do 80% of all the kids chauffeuring around, after school activities, sports.* I had always made it known that he was there because of the kids,* I’ve not said I love you to him in years, and even his family knows he’s there until the youngest turns 18.* * Well…………………….he looked on my phone and saw the old text from xMM.* Some were very graphic.* Some were I love you’s.* so now he’s upset.* He knows xMM and his first thing was that he wanted to let xMM W know about the A.* They have texted back and forth and apparently are meeting to talk about things. * Not sure where my road is headed but it sure is making a lot of loops and turns.
TaraMaiden Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Woah.... Rather you than me!! "Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night".....
underwater2010 Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Oh what* a life I have created.* In my 1st posts I had talked about my R with my SO.* Father of my kids,* lots and lots of up and downs,* more downs than ups.* Seperations,* moving states away.* Back together for the kids.* I pay 90% of the bills, do 80% of all the kids chauffeuring around, after school activities, sports.* I had always made it known that he was there because of the kids,* I’ve not said I love you to him in years, and even his family knows he’s there until the youngest turns 18.* * Well…………………….he looked on my phone and saw the old text from xMM.* Some were very graphic.* Some were I love you’s.* so now he’s upset.* He knows xMM and his first thing was that he wanted to let xMM W know about the A.* They have texted back and forth and apparently are meeting to talk about things. * Not sure where my road is headed but it sure is making a lot of loops and turns. I told you to come clean. Sorry that he found out. I know that it has been over for awhile between you and the MOM. Now the fallout happens. I doubt he will wait around for the youngest to turn 18. And your xMOM is going to get exactly what he deserves. Hope everything works out the way YOU want it too. Speaking of which...what is it that you want?
Author wanting more Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 I want to be civil with my SO for the kids. I don't want to be in a R with him I live on a state with no family here so the little help he gives does help. He wants to continue our R with the hopes I'll fall in love with him again. I've never led him on to believe there was a future. Yes, I are many many bumps ahead. Should be an interesting meeting. I've not lied to him at all about the A. I've answered all his questions
Author wanting more Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 Sometimes the scorned spouses meet and end up having an affair of their own. Wow. Hadn't thought of that. Wouldn't bother me though. Although he (SO) did throw up about 3 names of women he slept with that I didn't know about
underwater2010 Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Wow. Hadn't thought of that. Wouldn't bother me though. Although he (SO) did throw up about 3 names of women he slept with that I didn't know about Women that he has slept with since you guys got back together. Or from your previous seperation?
Author wanting more Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 Women that he has slept with since you guys got back together. Or from your previous seperation? One from when we were separated that he had always denied. Then the other 2 I'm not sure. Didn't ask
Author wanting more Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 Philanderers get very upset about cheating (if the cheating is done to them). In any event your H and this woman will find a lot of common ground and will use each other for emotional support. We all know where that leads. What a meeting that should be!!!!! I'm not sure hef thoughts on me now, as far as blaming me for the A and xMM Being innocent. I don't know how much details my SO would go in to with her.
Spark1111 Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 What a meeting that should be!!!!! I'm not sure hef thoughts on me now, as far as blaming me for the A and xMM Being innocent. I don't know how much details my SO would go in to with her. Well, he should tell the truth. You are not planning to be there, I take it? Why not? Isn't it your truth to tell? 1
mercy Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Oh what* a life I have created.* In my 1st posts I had talked about my R with my SO.* Father of my kids,* lots and lots of up and downs,* more downs than ups.* Seperations,* moving states away.* Back together for the kids.* I pay 90% of the bills, do 80% of all the kids chauffeuring around, after school activities, sports.* I had always made it known that he was there because of the kids,* I’ve not said I love you to him in years, and even his family knows he’s there until the youngest turns 18.* * Well…………………….he looked on my phone and saw the old text from xMM.* Some were very graphic.* Some were I love you’s.* so now he’s upset.* He knows xMM and his first thing was that he wanted to let xMM W know about the A.* They have texted back and forth and apparently are meeting to talk about things. * Not sure where my road is headed but it sure is making a lot of loops and turns. You can if you want to look at it as now it is all out in the open so let the cards fall where they may. It'll be one less weight one less worry. Would he let you move back with your family?
mercy Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Well, he should tell the truth. You are not planning to be there, I take it? Why not? Isn't it your truth to tell? Oh, nice point! I'd go!
ComingInHot Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I am just curious & sincere in asking this but aren't you kind of happy about this finally being out in the open? I don't think I have read your threads so I don't know what agreement you had, why you/he ended it or if it's truly over...* I know it was exhausting for my FWH to continuously have to keep the A and after it ended a secret. I'm not justifying his actions in any way yet it allowed him to begin to let that whole period of his life go. AND he was given the choice to go and be w/her truly & freely. I was just thinking that maybe, now that the A is "out" your MM/exMM has the opportunity to be w/you (should you want him) and/or to take a fresh start.
Author wanting more Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 Well, he should tell the truth. You are not planning to be there, I take it? Why not? Isn't it your truth to tell? I actually wasn't asked. I was just told it was happening
Author wanting more Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 You can if you want to look at it as now it is all out in the open so let the cards fall where they may. It'll be one less weight one less worry. Would he let you move back with your family? It is a weight off my shoulders. I actually like where I live. I'm ok here.
Author wanting more Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 I am just curious & sincere in asking this but aren't you kind of happy about this finally being out in the open? I don't think I have read your threads so I don't know what agreement you had, why you/he ended it or if it's truly over...* I know it was exhausting for my FWH to continuously have to keep the A and after it ended a secret. I'm not justifying his actions in any way yet it allowed him to begin to let that whole period of his life go. AND he was given the choice to go and be w/her truly & freely. I was just thinking that maybe, now that the A is "out" your MM/exMM has the opportunity to be w/you (should you want him) and/or to take a fresh start. I am happy it's all out.
Owl Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I want to be civil with my SO for the kids. I don't want to be in a R with him I live on a state with no family here so the little help he gives does help. He wants to continue our R with the hopes I'll fall in love with him again. I've never led him on to believe there was a future. Yes, I are many many bumps ahead. Should be an interesting meeting. I've not lied to him at all about the A. I've answered all his questions Have you told him point blank that you don't believe it can/will, and have no intention of putting forth any effort into falling in love with him again? Spelled it out that clearly, that abruptly and honestly to him? If he knows that you don't want to be there and have no intention of putting forth any effort at all into fixing the relationship...and yet he still chooses to try...then it truly is on him. But...if it's not that clear... And last thought. If he's hoping that you'll fall back in love with him, he's probably going to take every effort possible to ensure the bridge back to MM is burned and salted. From his perspective...that relationship is poisonous to any effort he puts forth into rebuilding the relationship with you. Are you ok with that? 1
Author wanting more Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 Have you told him point blank that you don't believe it can/will, and have no intention of putting forth any effort into falling in love with him again? Spelled it out that clearly, that abruptly and honestly to him? If he knows that you don't want to be there and have no intention of putting forth any effort at all into fixing the relationship...and yet he still chooses to try...then it truly is on him. But...if it's not that clear... And last thought. If he's hoping that you'll fall back in love with him, he's probably going to take every effort possible to ensure the bridge back to MM is burned and salted. From his perspective...that relationship is poisonous to any effort he puts forth into rebuilding the relationship with you. Are you ok with that? Yes I have made it clear. We started counseling last week. IC & MC. I really think this is the best thing to try and be civil. I said there's too much bad history between us that I'll never get over it. He probably will try and burn bridges with xMM and yes, I'm fine with that. Actually xMM did that when he blamed me for the entire A
stillafool Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 You don't have to live together for him to help out with the kids. Since you pay most of the bills and do most of the work coupled with the fact that you know you will never be in love with him, why waste anymore or your time or his by going to counseling?
Author wanting more Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 You don't have to live together for him to help out with the kids. Since you pay most of the bills and do most of the work coupled with the fact that you know you will never be in love with him, why waste anymore or your time or his by going to counseling? Guilt!!! I know if he leaves he will completely stay away. Not just from me but from the kids. When I moved away, it was just me and my 3 kids 3 states from my family and I didn't know a soul here. But things were ok. Then as the kids got older (right now they're 21, 13 and 12) the little ones talked about missing daddy. I felt guilty and thought we could make it work and that's when he moved here. It was ok for a while bug them things went back to the old way and it hadn't changed since.
ComingInHot Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Wanting: He (exMM) blames You for the affair!??! Wow. You must be one heck of a powerful person... sarcasm there* I'm SO sorry! I mean I understand it takes TWO but then you each have some responsibility in that NOT just you... I truly hope when all is said & done that you know this is ultimately a fresh start for you & your children. 1
Author wanting more Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Wanting: He (exMM) blames You for the affair!??! Wow. You must be one heck of a powerful person... sarcasm there* I'm SO sorry! I mean I understand it takes TWO but then you each have some responsibility in that NOT just you... I truly hope when all is said & done that you know this is ultimately a fresh start for you & your children. I did get the sarcasm :-). And yes, I must be powerful. All it took was me "dangling myself" in front of him and he fell for it. All my fault in her eyes. Lots of life lessons for me recently. Hurt I've caused, the lies. I do feel guilt for that. And have learned that I will NEVER again get involved with a MM. WON'T "dangle" anything anymore
Owl Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Guilt!!! I know if he leaves he will completely stay away. Not just from me but from the kids. When I moved away, it was just me and my 3 kids 3 states from my family and I didn't know a soul here. But things were ok. Then as the kids got older (right now they're 21, 13 and 12) the little ones talked about missing daddy. I felt guilty and thought we could make it work and that's when he moved here. It was ok for a while bug them things went back to the old way and it hadn't changed since. Can I suggest that you make it clear up front in counseling that what YOU are looking for is joint counseling to assist in the breakup/divorce process? You know he's hoping to reconcile, but you have no intention of doing so...and are just staying so that he doesn't abandon the kids. Spell it out like that...make it clear in counseling...and see if you can use counseling to directly achieve your goals. Don't go to counseling and let him think that there's any kind of hope...or that you intend to go to counseling with any possiblility of reconciliation. Make it clear that the point of counseling will ONLY be to reach a civil and amicable divorce. 3
underwater2010 Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I agree with OWL, please do not lead him on. Let the choice be his as to if he stays or not. Do not give him empty dreams. I am beginning to respect you a little more each day.
Author wanting more Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 I agree with OWL, please do not lead him on. Let the choice be his as to if he stays or not. Do not give him empty dreams. I am beginning to respect you a little more each day. Thank you. I am not and won't lead him on. I have IC counseling today (same counselor for MC) and will talk to him about it again today
Owl Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Thank you. I am not and won't lead him on. I have IC counseling today (same counselor for MC) and will talk to him about it again today Excellent! And FWIW...I get that not all marriages make it. Not all truly are meant to. I'm of the opinion that if one party truly feels done and wants out...they have that choice. There's nothing that the other person can truly do to MAKE them stay. My wife felt she wanted out at one point...and in fact, I did fight to convince her to stay. In our case, it was such an odd 'blip' in things that I couldn't see how it was what she really wanted...we didn't have a history of years of unhappiness or upset...quite the contrary. Ended up she stayed, and we reconciled, and she's VERY grateful that I "fought for her". That doesn't mean that everyone's situation should end up the same way, and contrary to popular belief I don't believe that they should. You're being HONEST and UP FRONT with your H about where you stand, what you feel, and what your plans are. That's all you can be expected to do. You can't be in love with him if you don't want to be. And there's no sense in staying if that's how you feel. Be honest, set expectations, and take actions to achieve your goals. No one can fault you for that if you're clear and honest throughout it all.
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