Scottyent Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 (edited) Hey all, I am going to attempt to keep this straight and to the point. I met my girlfriend in America in 2010, we were the perfect match straight away, and even though she had to move back to Germany after her au pair year in just 3 months, we decided we should stay together. We did so well in the first 3 months of our long distance relationship that I came to visit her for 3 weeks, and that was wonderful too, I loved it there, had a great time, we were so in love etc... so we made the plans of I am going to move to Germany once I finish college (I had 1 more semester to go) So, that happened. I have now lived in Germany for a year and about 3 months. Bottom line is, I don't like it here. I have had a VERY hard time adjusting, and that has taken quite a toll on our relationship. I currently work three jobs, and I still don't make anywhere NEAR what I could make in the US...this is a constant source of annoyance for me. Additionally, I don't speak German...I am learning bit by bit...but in general I just don't like the German culture. They just don't reward open and outgoing people the way that America does. I know it is somewhat unfair because I am not fluent in German, but my girlfriend feels the same way...she much prefers the people in America because of how open and friendly they are. Anyway, my question is this....I have pretty significant mood swings here, and there are times where I get really down. It is hard for me, and for her, and there doesn't seem to be much of a solution. We have talks about it from time to time...but at the end of the day, the message is always the same: I don't like living here, I would rather live in America and make progress in my life, but I am here for you. I don't think this is very fair to her, but this is the situation we are in. I try my hardest to change my mentality, I listen to german tapes, I have branched out with friends, I make efforts with her family, but Germany is just not where I want to live, period. I know that. So being here for HER almost seems like it is being disrespectful to myself, and this quietly and slowly makes the resentment build. So what do I do?! How can I stop that? The truth is, when you break it down to its bare bones...if she wasn't here, I would leave tomorrow. So I am here completely and entirely for her. I don't like my jobs (continually searching for new ones), I don't have the type of social relationships I would prefer, and I feel like this causes an extreme amount of pressure on HER to be something she is not. Due to the language, and perhaps a gap in our logical intelligences, I can't talk to her about everything under the sun day in and day out. We have great conversations frequently, but I am not about to unleash full power using any range of vocabulary I want and talking about politics or science. Normally, this wouldn't bother me, but because I don't have a great outlet for that in my normal life...it makes tiny things like this more blaring in our relationship. I believe that is all resentment for being here, but at the same time I don't want to leave here and leave her behind. For the record, we have begun planning to move back in about 1 year. She will then be almost finished with her degree, and I will go back to start work and start saving some money for our life there. I have that to look forward to I guess, but day to day...there are tons of times where I just feel like no matter what I do, I can't be happy here. Naturally that affects my feelings for my girlfriend and for everything else in my life. Sigh, any thoughts? Edited October 10, 2012 by Scottyent
Emilia Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 For the record, we have begun planning to move back in about 1 year. She will then be almost finished with her degree, and I will go back to start work and start saving some money for our life there. I have that to look forward to I guess, but day to day...there are tons of times where I just feel like no matter what I do, I can't be happy here. Naturally that affects my feelings for my girlfriend and for everything else in my life. Sigh, any thoughts? Well, sometimes it does take a while to get used to a new place, it took me a couple of years to get used to the UK but I was probably much younger than you are now, it was easier from that point of view. I can imagine Germany being a big culture shock too, I like them but wouldn't fancy living there no. Even the German mates I have are very rigid and sometimes just too straight laced, if you lived in Berlin it would be different I think, I'm guessing you are in a smaller place. If you are moving back to the US in a year that's not so long. Are there any larger cities near where you live? Where perhaps you could find American connections/clubs of some kind? When in Rome do as the Romans. And try not to behave like the ugly American. I struggle to understand why you think this is an appropriate response to the OP's problem
yessy21 Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 its understanding to feel alone in a big place such as germany. my thoughts are to wait the year and try to take it as a journey... a vacation from american civilization. go check out places and find groups of american people out there. im pretty sure there is. if your moving back in a year, it will pass by as if anything. go were the tourists go, act like your there to experience not just to live. If something is easy then its not worth it... if its worth the experience... it wont be easy. dont give up.
Frogwife Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 When in Rome do as the Romans. And try not to behave like the ugly American. I struggle to understand why you think this is an appropriate response to the OP's problem Because Pierre is so bent out of shape that his wife left him for an "inferior" man, that he's incapable of giving any type of logical, rational response on matters of love and life.... but moving on... to the OP - I have done exactly what you have done - I moved to France 5.5 years ago to be with my husband - when we met, I didn't speak French, he didn't speak English and it was insanely, insanely difficult. I had left my friend, family, my career, my home - everything behind in the US and was pretty much out in the middle of nowhere in rural France. What you are experiencing is completely normal - feelings of isolation, resentment that you made this sacrifice, having to start from scratch on personal relationship and not liking the culture that much as well (I lived in Germany for two years and probably had the same feeling). And the communication issues are really hard - not being able to express yourself as freely, easily and with the nuance that you have in English. As Emilia said, I don't know how big a city you live in, but definitely finding finding fluent English-speaking friends and English-speaking activities is a huge help! Perhaps trying Meetup-type groups - I've used a similar site in France and met a lot of nice people! On the flip side, learning the language will really help you feel less isolated, less dependent on your girlfriend, as well. Although it was really difficult that my husband didn't speak English, it really helped me learn French quickly and I would suggest (if you can) to try to only speak German with your girlfriend. Read and watch TV in German, even with English subtitles - or even better with German subtitles. this is how I learned German and French and really works. I would pick up easy magazines (like Bravo) just read things I enjoyed for pleasure. Watching and American film dubbed into German tended to be easier to understand, as well. Knowing that this is temporary is certainly going to help, and there aren't any easy solutions but for me, learning the language, finding English-speaking friends and finding job opportunities that I enjoyed really helped. It took a few years to settle in and really feel like France was my home. Now I am a French citizen and would never think of leaving! Four or five years ago, I never thought I would feel like that. If you google "Problems being an expat" or something like that - you will find a lot of people going through similar situations The Top 5 Common Problems Suffered By Expats Good luck to you!
Author Scottyent Posted October 10, 2012 Author Posted October 10, 2012 (edited) Thank you all for your helpful and heartfelt advice (except Pierre). For the record, I have traveled quite a bit having spent a month here and there around Europe. I like to think my culture shock would have been easier in another country that had more open people that were less stiff as Emilia said. I do find that to be one of the suffocating parts, I don't feel the want to learn German because quite frankly, I don't feel like I identify much with their values and their way of looking at life. I feel exactly the opposite, like I am the opposite of their rule following, organized, and take one job for 30 years kind of mindset. I do agree that if I lived in Berlin, my experience would be really different. And in reality, I have no idea how I would feel in another country, since I have don't it. Maybe it would be the same. I live near Düsseldorf and Cologne, and I work in Düsseldorf three times a week. I speak mostly English at my office, so that does help sometimes. I also teach English, so I get a decent amount of English contact. The problem is that many of them are not like me. They are usually much older, around their 40's (I am 24), and they come from completely different lifestyles than I am used to. I see the value in getting to know people from different backgrounds, cultures, etc. However, when that is ALL I have, it can be a bit frustrating. Like I am getting SOMETHING, but I still don't feel at home with them, ya know? I try to push myself to do what many of you advised, to take it as a journey and make experiences. When I travel here, I feel MUCH better about the experience, because I feel I am growing in that regard. However, I don't make enough money to travel all that often. This year, I am on target to make about 14,000 euros, which compared to the approx. 40-50,000 I can make in America, is discouraging to say the least. This is another problem for me, I feel stunted professionally, emotionally, socially, you name it! I really appreciate all your answers, and your wonderful supportive words. My last question for you is this...I know that I am unhappy here, and I know that I would be more happy in America. There are times where I see the value in being here, out of struggling this hard with something, and how it will make me stronger and wiser in the end. However, increasingly...I wonder if it is worth it at all to struggle through this, if love is worth this, if my relationship is worth this. At some point, putting yourself through struggle just to gain experience in failing has got to stop, right? Maybe I am just having a really crap day today (calculated that 14,000 euro figure, which was yet another blow to my virtually completely deflated ego). Tomorrow might be better, but I am so tired of feeling like every single day is another day I have to pump myself up. I miss just feeling happy because I am, not getting momentarily feelings of "sort of" relief. Thanks for listening all, it means a lot to me Edited October 10, 2012 by Scottyent
Els Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 If you truly feel this woman is the one for you, there are a few options the two of you have to weather this year together. The first is that you return to America, you both do long distance for a year and she moves to Germany after. With you making much more in America, you should be able to afford reasonably frequent visits. The second is that you just shoulder on in Germany for a year more and move with her after that. A year really isn't all that long, whichever option you choose. Many of us have done a year or more in places/jobs that we dislike because it is a necessary investment for the future. Consider this to be one.
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 You took on a lot for your early 20's, you got some balls for picking up and leaving to another country at that age just for the German love, she must have be pretty good looking! Being an au pair I'm surprised she didn't want to move here, that seems to be the normal routine from my experience. Anyway, what you're going through is pretty normal. I know a guy in his 30's who struggles with the same things, he's having a really hard time even after living in another country for 3 to 4 years, It's really tough for him and he misses hanging around Americans, doesn't like the culture much, complains about the same things you do. Traveling myself I never realized that Americans were actually "friendly" and open, expressive even. I always considered us conservative to a degree, even living in Los Angeles...but damn those Europeans act like a bunch of robots to be honest with you. "I..am..unit 45...I have been told to communicate like this and not express myself easily, and do this to conform to social standards and expectations...I will follow accordingly, not smile or talk to people who I don't know publicly and walk through like a ninja slipping through the shadows...even though everyone can see meeee...I will not do anything spontaneous because that would be weiiiird...I will follow my own path and look straight ahead, bumping into others without saying excuse me and just keep walking at a rate 3 times faster than an American...I will live in my own bubble until I get drunk....the only place where I am truly freeeee." As far as the money, trust me the money is still going to be there, you have plenty of time to join the grind of your fellow Americans, and unless you get a good amount of vacation time you probably won't be back in Europe for some time. I know at your age It's a lot about how successful you can be and what you can make, a lot of men place a lot of self worth often on how much they make. Right now isn't the time, you've got one year left, open up and try to accept the culture as much as you can....try to mix it up and socialize more, don't get stuck in a rut or funk, because you may never have this experience again...and you may be happier here but you might be surprised how much you wish you did when you had the opportunity when you're just living in a house paying your mortgage, going to work everyday worried about finances. Then you might have kids and other challenges, as you get older people get sick, life happens and throws a wrench into everything...right now you're just having this big fantasy of how it's going to go here when you have no idea what will happen. The reality is, even though the challenges won't be the same as in Germany, I doubt you will be blissfully happy here...maybe happier but nothing makes you happy If you don't really know what you need. It also ounds like you've got a pretty great woman too, and she's been trying to be there as much as she can, but don't place all the responsibility and expectations on her...there's only so much she can do, you've got to put effort into making yourself happy. I know you're down and been going through a lot, honestly at your age you should be still in the United States screwing around with friends, enjoying a bit more of the single life because as you get older everyone starts to get hitched and have families then you never hang out with them anymore sometimes. On the flip-side you did something many Americans would wished they could have experienced, and you'll appreciate it more in your future. For now do what you can to adjust, try to adapt not conform, try to change your perspective, life is about about perspectives, you change the way you see things and it changes the way you feel and attitude towards them. You can make one year, set different goals, try to figure out how you can get the most out of your experience there and try not to put too much pressure on your GF, try to show her how much you value her love and support or she's just going to feel drained by your whole attitude...regardless of whether you're there for a short time or long time, do your best to make it a happy time. Whenever you feel like you're getting into that hole, jump out of it, do something to take your mind off it, put more effort into trying to improve your quality of life or write out a blog or something and get it off your chest then try to move forward.
Author Scottyent Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Thanks for your extremely thought out and helpful post Ninjain! I guess I try not to think of it as I took on a lot when I was young....truth be told, when I read things like what you wrote about how I should be hanging out with friends, enjoying my single younger years before I settle down, there is a part of me that agrees with that. This is a source of anxiety pretty frequently where I wonder if this is really what I should be doing with my life, if this IS the girl for me, if I am in the place I want to be. A lot of those are scary thoughts, and thats part of the reason a year seems so big to me. For many other people, a year is quick and just another one goes by...for me, these are my young 20s, and you hit the nail right on the head! It's about what I can earn, finally getting a real job, not living absolutely pay check to pay check anymore, and having fun still going out with friends. I don't have many of those options here, particularly in the money department. All your advice makes sense, and I am doing my best to break out of these ruts. These posts have actually really helped that, and over this last day and a half I have felt in a better place. The problem is that I don't know that I get to this better place WITH my girlfriend. I don't know if it's because I subconsciously feel resentment for this situation, or because she's just not right for me, or because I need to be happy and independent on my own before I can be that with her. She is a wonderful girl, she is very supportive of me, and she tries her best to understand. Intellectually it can be hard to know if we are on the same level, which is something that is important to me and occasionally causes moments of panic as well. I liked your advice of....whenever you feel like you're getting into that hole, jump out of it. Haha it's so simple but so true. Sometimes you just have to do it and stop thinking about it. I work hard to improve my quality of life, and I think I need to get better at figuring out WHAT makes me happy. If I don't know, how can my girlfriend? Thanks again for the great advice!
Emilia Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 I really appreciate all your answers, and your wonderful supportive words. My last question for you is this...I know that I am unhappy here, and I know that I would be more happy in America. There are times where I see the value in being here, out of struggling this hard with something, and how it will make me stronger and wiser in the end. However, increasingly...I wonder if it is worth it at all to struggle through this, if love is worth this, if my relationship is worth this. At some point, putting yourself through struggle just to gain experience in failing has got to stop, right? Maybe I am just having a really crap day today (calculated that 14,000 euro figure, which was yet another blow to my virtually completely deflated ego). Tomorrow might be better, but I am so tired of feeling like every single day is another day I have to pump myself up. I miss just feeling happy because I am, not getting momentarily feelings of "sort of" relief. Thanks for listening all, it means a lot to me When I was living in Africa (in some ways a more easy going experience than yours, in others really quite extreme) I just knew on the day when it became too much. Of course it had been building up for a while but one day I just knew. I looking to leave London, to leave the UK behind completely but living in Africa made me realise that this was my home and that I had identified with British culture much more than I had realised. Once you are at that point, it just hits you and you know. I did sit it out though, I did explore it, I struggled with it for a while but once my conviction became strong I couldn't stop myself from getting on that flight to come back to London. That was in 2009, I haven't looked back since. There will be a day when you wake up and you just know.
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