Vikki_26 Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 (edited) I spotted this from forum member Katzee on this forum 'We should have one massive thread about learning to love yourself, how to establish boundaries, learning to how really understand what you need and deserve in a relationship' My counsellor mentioned about me not loving the person I am this week and she didnt give me the answer on how to, we were side tracked. So how do we love ourselves again or even begin to? I have zero confidence from being dumped and the arguments and insults. Coming out of a destructive unhealthy relationship I am now left medically depressed. And I would like to know how I do go about loving myself again? Also what boundaries do I put in place for myself now. I have been walked all over. Dumped time and time again by the same man. I dont know what I need and deserve any more from a relationship when I enter one again. I'm afraid to, scarred. I dont want to make the same mistakes again. How do you establish what it is that we do deserve. What shall I see as unacceptable behaviour, rules boundaries. If I am dumped again, do I never give that person a second chance to break my heart again? I want control of my own life, emotions and wellbeing. I dont want to be a door matt like I have been with my ex fiancee. Taking him back time and time again. Edited October 10, 2012 by Vikki_26
paperboy48 Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Try remebering the things you liked about yourself before the breakup... What things did you use to do that would make you happy? What things did you used to do that made other people happy? Things that made you feel good about yourself.
a.b Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 It's a big question and a big thread! I hope everyone get's on board and chips in with their views. I don't think there is any one answer to this, but one thing (especially in your case) it's gonna take time effort and it surely wont happen over night. One thing that I have learnt is the power of positive talking (a technique I learnt in sport psychology, as part of my degree) and it is really helpful. It might feel pointless at the time but if you set aside some mins during the day to say positive things about yourself or write them down if you prefer. It really does help and over time you should start to realise that what you are telling yourself is true! As for boundaries, everyone deserves to be treated with respect and feel loved. Don't settle. I'll be back with more ideas when I think of them!
a.b Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 It's a big question and a big thread! I hope everyone get's on board and chips in with their views. I don't think there is any one answer to this, but one thing (especially in your case) it's gonna take time effort and it surely wont happen over night. One thing that I have learnt is the power of positive talking (a technique I learnt in sport psychology, as part of my degree) and it is really helpful. It might feel pointless at the time but if you set aside some mins during the day to say positive things about yourself or write them down if you prefer. It really does help and over time you should start to realise that what you are telling yourself is true! As for boundaries, everyone deserves to be treated with respect and feel loved. Don't settle. I'll be back with more ideas when I think of them! Here is a good website if you have time! Increase your self-esteem | Mind
blue_jay_bird Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Sometimes it is hard to think of What things did you use to do that would make you happy? Because it was so long ago. What things did you used to do that made other people happy? Things that made you feel good about yourself. So what i do is, Whenever i feel happy i write it down, I look back and write down what was happening and what i was doing. Example: I get happy when i do art. BTW, this is a long process, because it can take a long time to find that thing that truly makes you smile. Keep at it, there are alot of things that will make you happy that are self-destructive. aka. OTHER PEOPLE. One thing i found out is you can't use other people to make you happy. aka (a new boyfriend) Inner happiness is a life journey. People can be unhappy their whole life, and be looking for happiness in the wrong places. aka, drugs, sex, other people. So the true question is. "What is happiness to you?". It used to be your ex right? But this is one of the largest mistake people make in life. You happiness must come from with in. I always struggled with this statement. Cause there's nothing with-in me that makes me happy. You have to fill yourself with activities, accomplishments, that will take the "nothing with-in me" and change it to " I am this, i am that, and this makes me happy." I don't know if im making my point all that clear, cause i'm trying to figure this out myself. But start with what your good at, and find a activity related to what your good at. What are you attracted to? aka, Art, Science, Hand's on Work?
KatZee Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 So how do we love ourselves again or even begin to? I have zero confidence from being dumped and the arguments and insults. Coming out of a destructive unhealthy relationship I am now left medically depressed. And I would like to know how I do go about loving myself again? You go about learning to love yourself, and gaining confidence by focusing on you and YOU only. You're single now, correct? I know it will be hard, but remove the focus from your ex, and direct it inward. Sit down for an hour with a notebook. On page 1 title it: "Things I Love About Myself" Don't write down what your ex loved, or what your family or friends love. What do YOU personally love about yourself? It could be as small as "I love the way my hair looks when I first wake up." Page 2 title it: "Things I Love" This will just be a general page. What are you interests? What do you love? Start to really learn about yourself. Chances are you've made your entire life about this ex so much so that you've lost yourself. "Sometimes losing yourself is the best way to find yourself." Page 3 title it: "Things I Would Love to Do" Now after two years with making someone else your priority, and making them your focus, ask yourself... what would YOU love to do? This is YOUR life. What are things you've often wondered about, wished to do, but couldn't because your life was always about this other person? Would you love to travel to the Grand Canyon? Learn to bake or knit or paint? Write a book? Sky Dive? Backpack the country? Travel to a foreign country? Again, this is about finding yourself and knowing who YOU are. Everyday when you wake up, look in the mirror and read your list from page 1. "I am beautiful" "I am smart" "I am funny" "I am caring" You are EVERY amazing adjective you will write down for yourself. Also what boundaries do I put in place for myself now. I have been walked all over. Dumped time and time again by the same man. Your boundary is that you stop going back to this man. This is your #1 priority and #1 boundary as of today. I know you love this person, you were engaged to this person, and you keep going back for a reason. But know this... if you were happy with the WRONG one, just think about how happy you will be when the RIGHT one comes along. But in order for that to happen, you need to free yourself from this toxic situation. Take this as a blessing from God that you are not married and now legally bound to this person. I dont know what I need and deserve any more from a relationship when I enter one again. I'm afraid to, scarred. I dont want to make the same mistakes again. Of course you know what you deserve. It's what every person deserves. To be treated with utmost respect. To be honored, cherished, loved, adored. I don't know the details of your split but you deserve a man who will stand by you, communicate with you, work through issues with you, a man who will not lie, or cheat, or steal. A man who will encourage and support, not demean and criticize. A man who will make you feel safe, and secure. Not one who will make you feel anxious, scared, or sad. A man who will not emotionally, physically, or psychologically abuse you. You can't make the same mistakes if you learn from THIS mistake. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Do not go back for seconds, thirds, and fourths with this person. That's like sticking your hand in a fire over and over and over hoping that one day that flame won't burn you. Impossible! If you are dumped, take that as a VERY CLEAR indication that that person does NOT want to be with you. There may be a variety of reasons why they are leaving. They think something out there is better, they're cheating and want to go to that person, they're bored, they can't handle problems... whatever the reason is, know that this person isn't for you. If this person can't look you in the face, be honest and attempt to work out problems, how can you expect this person to stand next to you in a MARRIAGE?! You will gain control of your life by focusing your thoughts, and efforts inwards. Start with the above lists. Once you have compiled a nice bunch of "loves" GET OUT THERE AND DO THEM! You no longer have anyone over your shoulder asking what you're doing, where you're going, who you're going with, when you'll be back. It's all about you. Do everything and anything you've ever wanted to do but COULDN'T because you were tied to this person.
Chi townD Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Well, I know for a fact that there is nothing anyone can say or do that is going to make you feel any better right now. People can be supportive and people can tell you that they love and care about you. But, in reality, that's all they can do. It's up to YOU to take the first steps into healing. It's up to YOU to start looking out for yourself. You need to start moving forward and leaving this guy in your wake. He made the decision to leave your life. Too bad, because you seem like a passionate person that has a lot to offer and he'll be the one who lost out. We live our own lives. They belong to us and us alone. We choose to SHARE our lives with the person we love or even care about. Trust me when I say this, you're not going to die without this person in your life, all you did was share a part of your life with him and he didn't treasure it. You are at an all time low. This is normal after a break up and even more so when you've been the one that was dumped. It totally shatters your ego and self esteem. It leaves you with questions. Why did he dump me? What's wrong with me? Why wasn't I good enough? It hurts and it's completely normal. Now, here's the rub. In order to make yourself feel better you need to move forward. You need to make positive changes in your life. Get a new hairstyle and buy new clothes. This will help with your self esteem. You need to find new hobby's. A painting class, cooking class, cycling club, running club...something! Get your ass out the door and BE ACTIVE! Do things! Have an adventure! At first, it will feel like you're going through the motions and you may not enjoy it or the time you're spending doing it. But, in time, you'll start to enjoy it. A little smile will escape once in a while. You'll meet new people that will make you laugh. Then, you'll start to feel better. You'll start to feel more independant. And, I promise, one day you're going to say to yourself, "You know what Vicki? You're gonna be okay." Don't worry about dating or trying to find someone. It's okay to be alone for a while. It's okay to use this time as "me" time and make positive changes in your life. To take the time to re-invent yourself. I'm a firm believer that there is a guy out there that is a perfect fit for you. That is going to love you and become your best friend. That is going to be your biggest fan when you achieve your goals in life and be the moral support when life has got you down. He's going to be the guy that's beaming in public because he's walking with you and holding your hand because he's proud of the fact that you chose him. He's out there right now. And he's looking for you. BUT! He's never going to find you unless you get out in the world and see it. Be adventurous and he'll find you when you least expect it. I believe in this with all of my heart. Because it happened to me. So, don't lose faith and hang in there.
hinatticus Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I spotted this from forum member Katzee on this forum 'We should have one massive thread about learning to love yourself, how to establish boundaries, learning to how really understand what you need and deserve in a relationship' My counsellor mentioned about me not loving the person I am this week and she didnt give me the answer on how to, we were side tracked. So how do we love ourselves again or even begin to? I have zero confidence from being dumped and the arguments and insults. Coming out of a destructive unhealthy relationship I am now left medically depressed. And I would like to know how I do go about loving myself again? Also what boundaries do I put in place for myself now. I have been walked all over. Dumped time and time again by the same man. I dont know what I need and deserve any more from a relationship when I enter one again. I'm afraid to, scarred. I dont want to make the same mistakes again. How do you establish what it is that we do deserve. What shall I see as unacceptable behaviour, rules boundaries. If I am dumped again, do I never give that person a second chance to break my heart again? I want control of my own life, emotions and wellbeing. I dont want to be a door matt like I have been with my ex fiancee. Taking him back time and time again. The book "the mindful path to self compassion" by christopher germer comes to mind. Treat yourself the way you would tend to your own child.
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