What do you think of his email to me?

[Uzo]

Hi,

 

I met a guy online whom I initially didn't want to date because I thought I may not be exactly what he wants. First conversation on phone was good, and we set up a date... the following morning, I tried to cancel the date citing possible incomapitibility. He replied with a long email, cajoling me to at least meet for a chat. I obliged him. It turned out that he was brilliant to talk to, and I quite enjoyed his company. We kissed, and sparks flew (at least to me, they did). We set a second date, but he had to cancel because he claimed urgent work assignements emerged. He asked to meet some other time, I obliged. We met up, had nice dinner, and talked about everything - politics, sex, social issues, and more sex talks! We walked to his house (for a silly reason on my part - I needed to pee)... we got a little naughty at his'... kissed and smooched; he tried to go further, and I told him I didn't want to have sex. He asked why, I told him I don't do NSA sex... I explained that I wasn't pushing for anything, but that I am enjoying knowing him so far. (BTW, it turned out that he never read my profile on the dating site....). Date ended on a good note...or so I thought. The following morning, I got this long ass email from him:

 

I must say I REALLYlike you. I think we are a match. I think you are smart, have a good sense ofhumor, a good heart, and share pretty much the same values with me. I am alsoattracted to you physically. In fact, I did not expect it to turn out that goodas it has been going, thus far.

 

I am an honestperson, but not always perfect. I have not offered one very important detail,as it comes to my dating. I am just at the end of a 2.5 years longrelationship. As you can figure, it did not go too well, for why we decided tobreak up. We had some difficult times over the summer (including a 3-weekhiatus, during which we did not talk, but it really wasn't clear what was goingon with us, i.e. over/not over), followed by a month and a half getting backtogether, which ended a few weeks ago now. This last time, even though looked similar to the summer hiatus, it was clear that matters were graver and ourrelationship was on life support and/or in a terminally ill shape.

 

I was very confused.We mutually had a lot of love, without question, but it was being chipped awayby lots of misunderstandings and arguments. I was confused. While I still loved her and wanted to be with her all the time, I was trying to push myself away emotionally due to lot of frustration and resentment over certain things that I rationally thought were making it impossible for us to move on. In the midst ofthis confusional state I made the mistake to get on dating sites. To tell you the truth, in the past, every time I was attached to somebody and for whatever reason it came to an end, as a part of a "cognitive-behavioral therapy" I forced myself to start seeing other women quickly, pretty much right away. This has been painful for me, but helped shorten the time needed tomove on and distract myself from all the pains. I am very sentimental and Iknow if I don't do something like this then I almost certainly will go back to the other person, because being apart just keeps growing the good parts, thegreat memories, and the like (while the bad things, for why it did not work inthe first place tend to fade

 

This has worked forme before, but unfortunately is selfish for a couple of reasons. First of allthe random person I happen to grab to use for this "crash dummy" role clearly does not deserve to be treated like that. Second, it is not respectful to theex, who, while for whatever reason won't work out as a partner, is stillsomebody I loved and shared my life with, which obligates me for the rest of mylife to look out for their interest

 

My behavior in a great part was driven in this case by this past habit of moving on fast andfinding a "crash dummy" to get the ex out of my head (and heart)quickly, plus also I was simply confused in a complicated matter with littletime to think it through

 

I have done somethinking now and realized that my behavior is simply not mature, not acceptable, bu my own standards. I am not such a dog to be doing something likethis. I owe more to my ex, even if our relationship is clearly doomed and willnever stand a chance of resurrection (which I am almost 100% sure neither shenor I want to consider at this point). But most importantly I owe more thanthis to you, whom I came to like and respect a lot. I think you don't qualifyfor a "crash dummy", you are much too good for that, in every way Ican look at it. I think you and I deserve more than this. As I realized that what we have is more than just having sex "no strings attached" to get some quick relief, but has the potential to be much more than that, I feel it is the right thing to do to give perhaps a couple of weeks time for me to be able to properly mourn my previous relationship and have it conclusively closedin my heart, before I can start a new page and allow an opportunity for you tomove in my fully renovated hear that has no complicated matters in there anymore

 

I hope you understand me (as complicated this is) and agree to speak with me again in a couple ofweeks. So you know, I will not be dating anybody else (as I have not, you were my first match and I have not pursued any other) and probably won't be seeingmy ex either, although I still have her stuff in my house and may meet her onemore time to give her back her house key and all the stuff I packed up. I also say that I am still in love with her (as that won't go away in a short timelike this) and even though we clearly concluded there was no "us" anymore and neither of us wanted to consider a restart, in all honesty I cannot 100% rule that possibility out (I am a scientist, so based on all the evidenceI have in front of me, I judge the chances of that happening may be around1-2%

 

I feel I was not forthcoming and honest about this during our first 2 dates and I should havediscussed this. I wasn't sure what was going on exactly, and I takeresponsibility for my confusion and mistaken behavior. I did not mean to hurtanyone and I am hoping we can have a chance to start this over, when I am in abetter head space with a settled heart. If you think this is just "too much" and isn't worth the wait, let me know. I will be sad, but willunderstand. Please reply back as to what you would like do

 

If you read up to this point, thank... Here's my question, what the heck does this guy want from me? I tried to cancel the darn date the first time. He still loves his chic, why is he suggesting I talk to him again. Oh right, they broke up... but he says there's a 1 to 2% chance they might be back together. What do you think, guys? And thanks a lot for your time

 

BTW...

I should add that this guy is very intelligent, he prides himself on his understanding of human psychology and how to navigate them to his benefit... The long email attests to this, and he generally loves to writes. He blogs long pages daily. I welcome your take on this.

[darkmoon]

date others, i might be wrong, but he's politely/tactfully saying no

[TaraMaiden]

One:

He's overthinking things.

Two: he's keeping you on the back-burner as an option.

(And you know what they say about settling for being an option, rtaher than insisting on being the priority. Not good....)

 

Three: he seems to love the 'sound of his own voice'. Someone who loves philosophy and blogging - isn't necessarily right.

 

And this is a telling remark, isn't it....?

 

he prides himself on his understanding of human psychology and how to navigate them to his benefit...

 

Hmmm.....

 

Walk away from this one. Go No Contact.

In my mind, this is what is known as 'dodging a bullet'.....

[TopCat22]

You've been on two dates with the guy and you get this? Do you really not know what to do? He's told you his heart is in another place right now and given that he barely knows you and sent you this, I think it's obvious you should steer clear! Don't reply and run away!

[Mint Sauce]

that letter could have come from me, 6 years ago, as I was starting the divorce from my ex wife, and my recent ex was already in the picture.

 

From how I felt at that time, and how it turned out in the future: I think his feelings towards you are genuine, but he has a really hard time letting go of his previous partner (for emotional/attachment or moral reasons). This does not mean you are 2nd choice, it only means you came 2nd in time.

 

Eventually when my wife and I separated, I did start a relationship with the girl who had been waiting (well, more or less, but that's another topic), and had she not been so damaged, I think it would have lasted. It did last for approx 5 years.

 

In any case: the best you can do is to leave him alone. In my case the constant pursuit by the waiting girl needlessly prolonged the entire process, and damaged the start of the relationship with her after the divorce. I would suggest you move on, and if at some point contact is restored, and you are still single, you can see where it leads. But at that time don't refuse because you think you are 2nd choice. My "waiting girl" was not 2nd choice, and the hurt I feel now over having lost her is much greater than the hurt of the divorce, which I think proves the point.

[geegirl]

The email seems like a warning, almost as if he's laying down the terms before you move forward. He's telling you to proceed at your own risk now that you know his deal.

 

If anything should go wrong:

 

1. He gets back with ex

2. He dumps you because he's done with a crash test dummy

 

He's not liable because you went in knowing his stance.

 

I'd NEXT this one. Too much too soon, and the red flags are flying.

[moveONorStay]

My take...if you aren't looking for anything serious and are happy to be a rebound...go for it.

 

If you don't want to be the rebound... RUN!!!

[moveONorStay]

Don't be the rebound girl. He isn't ready to get into a relationship and by the sounds of things, that's what you are looking for

[geegirl]

Why the need to repost? Didn't like what you heard in your last thread?

 

You've only had two dates, get out while you can. Don't get swept off your feet by what's on the surface.

 

And when someone tells you something that you do not want to hear, LISTEN to what they are saying. He's telling you "if this isn't worth the wait?" Wait for what? For him to choose you? Blech.

 

Don't try to twist it, rationalize it, analyze it or dismiss it. Your instincts are telling you something. Trust your judgement.

 

As Tara pointed out, "his understanding of human psychology and ability to navigate them to his benefit"...not good. Listen for goodness sake.

[hockey]

PLEASE PLEASE TRUST YOUR INTUITION!!!!! Honest to God, in my line of work i've so many woman who know the answere to things regarding the heart, but refuse to listen to themselves only to be hurt and upset in the end

 

Why the need to repost? Didn't like what you heard in your last thread?

 

You've only had two dates, get out while you can. Don't get swept off your feet by what's on the surface.

 

And when someone tells you something that you do not want to hear, LISTEN to what they are saying. He's telling you "if this isn't worth the wait?" Wait for what? For him to choose you? Blech.

 

Don't try to twist it, rationalize it, analyze it or dismiss it. Your instincts are telling you something. Trust your judgement.

 

As Tara pointed out, "his understanding of human psychology and ability to navigate them to his benefit"...not good. Listen for goodness sake.

[veggirl]

wow this guy is CLEARLY not ready to date. Also he sounds very melodramatic, having to look out for his ex for the rest of his life and all that. Don't wait around for him, don't be his rebound, just next him.

[Frank13]

I think he needs to get the "space" key fixed on his keyboard.

[Uzo]

Struggling with mixed emotions, I sent a curt short reply that read:

 

"Thanks for the info!"

 

Considering that he sent me a long epistle, was my short reply remotely reflective of how I feel? I would hate to give him that satisfaction. BTW, I am posting the long cajoling email he sent me, when I first tried to cancel our first date. Please read below, and give me your take. I really appreciate this.

 

*********************************************************

 

Dear L,

Oh no! I cannot believe this! Canyou please tell me exactly what made you think that?? I know we only spokeonce, but I felt this was the best thing that happened to me. I wanted to meetright away, it was hard for me to even wait until today and really enjoyed ouremailing that followed. And now this? Am I just having a bad dream

 

Look, if you saw something on myprofile, I have not even read it in 4.5 years and perhaps I should have. I justreactivated it barely more than a day ago and did not have time yet to update,besides adding a couple of recent photos.

 

I do feel we are a great match. Youabsolutely share the same values with me and I know I can make you very happy.I felt yesterday that you are the person I have been looking for. I love andhighly respect what you are doing (my mother was a teacher) and everything youtold me. I was thinking all night, in euphoria, that this is it. Being on thevarious dating sites for almost 5 years, I never had this feeling ever, withanyone I ever spoke. I have been around, I know myself, and I have enoughexperience as well as psychology background to know it is not often I come bysomebody that nice, that great match in personality (which is what I am mostlylooking for). I am baffled, I totally felt during the conversation that thisenthusiasm was mutual. BTW on the note of personality match: that is what I ammostly interested. If you don't like me physically as much, I can tell you I amvery intelligent and entertaining. I know a lot about a great variety of topicsand you will never be bored. I am looking for someone I can talk with for hoursand enjoy it, as when we will be 80+ years old that's all we will be left with.I definitely felt I could talk with you all day

 

Of course, I do respect you and yourdecision and if you would just like to leave it at that, that will happen. ButI feel at least I would give you a why. I am about to go to my outpatientclinic, where I will see 20 patients, teach 3 fellows, 2 medical students, and4 undergraduate students. I feel like crap and this destroyed my day, without areal closure with this completely unexpected out-of-the-blue ice cold shower.It would give me some closure if you just tell me why

 

I really ask (beg) you to proceedwith the dinner. You can still say after that if you still don't want toproceed. How can a nice dinner and chat over a couple of glasses of wine hurt,even if we decide this is not a match? I have a strong feeling you just don'tknow me enough and I am 100% convinced I won't disappoint you. If you insistcanceling the dinner, let it be, I do leave you alone and respect yourdecision, but I really would like you to give me the courtesy of telling why.It would be a terrible thing to cancel this for the wrong reason, when thiscould be the love of our live, for the both of us. Think about that.

 

It may sound silly to you, but I feel quite hurt (partially for not knowing why). You definitely sounded like avery very nice person, who is generous and would not hurt people like that. I woke up very early I was so excited about this. I cannot believe how foolish I can be at [...] (I hope itis not my age, BTW, but it is, please let me know -as I said I am very veryyoung and energetic [ ]years old...) I am a scientist, who always want tounderstand the "why", which is part of the reason why this bothers meso much. Also, if I have to move on and continue with the search (which I hopedI would not have to do now that I met you), I definitely would want to figureout how to avoid scaring away my next great match if there will be one (again,not knowing why made that conclusion, I am positive it must be for the wrongreason and this is something you misunderstood in my profile or my blog orotherwise, that I could easily explain; if it is my age, I understand, but Ihad that there in the first place, perhaps you did not see and that's why youasked in email). I hope it is not the Android thing, after you slept on it andrevised your assessment that I was forgiven and that wasn't a deal breaker...

 

You are a very nice person and Iwould want to be your friend even if we ended up not dating. Would you refuseme as a friend as well? Was there something (in your mind) that bad? In anycase, if you don't want more of me, dinner, friendship, or date, then I perhapsshould not be writing such a long email either. I will then finish saying thatI am very sad after all the excitement and sit here not understanding how this could have happened

 

I hope you tell me why. If not, itwas nice knowing you and have a nice day (will be probably better than mine)and good luck with a search as well, hopefully you find somebody who you likebetter or think will be a better match for you

 

*********************************************************

If you read up to this point, thanks again.

After the first date, he sent the following:

 

Sorry, I have to disagree, I knowfor a fact we actually are a match. We agree to disagree :-*

Thanks for the great evening.

******************************************

 

I should add that he's a great achiever and he informed me he was very competitive. I found it interesting that he chose to reveal all this only after I refused to have sex with him. He, in a coy manner, did let me in on how well endowed he was (yes, he's pretty big "down there"), and I turned that ***** down. Was this a case of ego salving pursuit? Please tell me what you think.

Edited October 10, 2012 by Uzo
typos

[Million.to.1]

Ha!

 

I had a friend / FWB that went on for 16years. we tried to have a relationship earlier this year... but i later realised i was just a "test dummy".

 

I was a couple of months out of a LTR and feeling pretty broken. Funny thing is, that i would of been perfectly happy with a casual FWB situation with him.... but NOOOOOOOOO... he had to butter me up, win me over and make me want a relationship. Then when we were in one, he interest dropped very quickly and he ended it.

 

A month later i saw him at a mutual friends birthday party. When we spoke, he demonstrated to me that he knew absolutely nothing about me. Couldn't recall basic things about my life, the business i was creating that i had talked to him about several times. It's like he hadn't listened to me at all in the 3 months we were together. I was honestly, totally floored by his utter self pre-occupation and narcissism. I said to him, "you seriously can't remember something that i have often talked to you about, my future, my dream, and the thing that i'm most focused on right now??" shook my head and walked away.

 

The next day he sent me a 8 paragragh email, telling me all about how he broke down in tears in his car on the way home and had to pull over on the side of the motorway to cry it out. Then went on to tell me all about personal drama he had been going through over the last few weeks with a few close friends.... he apologised for his crap behaviour of not knowing/remembering anything about my life and what i was doing amougst other douchy things he had done while we were together.

 

8 paragraphs? All about HIS dramas? All about him, and his justifications?? Just more of the same narcissistic crap really!

 

My response to that was simply. "i'm sorry you cried on the side of the motorway"

 

Self involved douche-bags are only interested in how you can serve them.

 

Run.. run for the hills!!!

[Uzo]

Ha!

 

I had a friend / FWB that went on for 16years. we tried to have a relationship earlier this year... but i later realised i was just a "test dummy".

 

I was a couple of months out of a LTR and feeling pretty broken. Funny thing is, that i would of been perfectly happy with a casual FWB situation with him.... but NOOOOOOOOO... he had to butter me up, win me over and make me want a relationship. Then when we were in one, he interest dropped very quickly and he ended it.

 

A month later i saw him at a mutual friends birthday party. When we spoke, he demonstrated to me that he knew absolutely nothing about me. Couldn't recall basic things about my life, the business i was creating that i had talked to him about several times. It's like he hadn't listened to me at all in the 3 months we were together. I was honestly, totally floored by his utter self pre-occupation and narcissism. I said to him, "you seriously can't remember something that i have often talked to you about, my future, my dream, and the thing that i'm most focused on right now??" shook my head and walked away.

 

The next day he sent me a 8 paragragh email, telling me all about how he broke down in tears in his car on the way home and had to pull over on the side of the motorway to cry it out. Then went on to tell me all about personal drama he had been going through over the last few weeks with a few close friends.... he apologised for his crap behaviour of not knowing/remembering anything about my life and what i was doing amougst other douchy things he had done while we were together.

 

8 paragraphs? All about HIS dramas? All about him, and his justifications?? Just more of the same narcissistic crap really!

 

My response to that was simply. "i'm sorry you cried on the side of the motorway"

 

Self involved douche-bags are only interested in how you can serve them.

 

Run.. run for the hills!!!

 

Thanks a lot for that feedback! I am still floored at the extent he went just to make himself feel better... He is clearly an emotional whore! A part of me wants him to contact me, so I can have the satisfaction of properly discarding him! (He's clearly sensitive to rejection, and he went to this length to salvage his ego and do the "rejecting"). I'm not counting on him replying...I'm just sad, I guess.

[Uzo]

Thanks, Monicaelise! Yep! I did wonder how he had so much time to write so often...

[Million.to.1]

Thanks a lot for that feedback! I am still floored at the extent he went just to make himself feel better... He is clearly an emotional whore! A part of me wants him to contact me, so I can have the satisfaction of properly discarding him! (He's clearly sensitive to rejection, and he went to this length to salvage his ego and do the "rejecting"). I'm not counting on him replying...I'm just sad, I guess.

 

I don't understand that... Why are you sad? why do you need to reject him?

By what you responded with "thanks for the info" ... that's enough said really. Saying something short, sweet and to the point after such a cathartic email from him is perfect in my opinion.

 

Basically, the guy is not ready for a relationship. Backing off for 2 weeks to "heal" is just stupid. After 2 years and the way he blabbed on about his ex, he needs alot longer than 2 weeks by himself.

 

He sounds like one of those dudes, who is smart and good looking and never has any problems finding a willing woman to "be" with. The fact that you didn't want to jump his bones right away made you more appealing.. so now he is laying on the "we'll make a good match" bollocks. It's what most woman want to hear and it's probably worked before.

 

If you truly think that he might be worth a shot, then tell him that you appreciate his honesty about his ex and his past but to call you in 3 months, and if you are still single you may consider another date. Say that you think, from what he has said, there is more healing to do than what can be done in 2 weeks and he is emotionally clouded right now, and probably placing more importance on the connection of two of you than someone would who is not recently out of a relationship.

 

I can pretty much guarantee that he will be onto the next chick by then or back and forth with his ex still, and you won't hear back from him. Or he won't accept what you have said and try and convince you that he will be fine in 2 weeks and you are being too cautious.

 

I don't think shooting him down will achieve anything. Your reply was perfect and leaves things uncomplicated.

[Uzo]

Hi,

 

I met a guy online whom I initially didn't want to date because I thought I may not be exactly what he wants. First conversation on phone was good, and we set up a date... the following morning, I tried to cancel the date citing possible incomapitibility. He replied with a long email, cajoling me to at least meet for a chat. I obliged him. It turned out that he was brilliant to talk to, and I quite enjoyed his company. We kissed, and sparks flew (at least to me, they did). We set a second date, but he had to cancel because he claimed urgent work assignements emerged. He asked to meet some other time, I obliged. We met up, had nice dinner, and talked about everything - politics, sex, social issues, and more sex talks! We walked to his house (for a silly reason on my part - I needed to pee)... we got a little naughty at his'... kissed and smooched; he tried to go further, and I told him I didn't want to have sex. He asked why, I told him I don't do NSA sex... I explained that I wasn't pushing for anything, but that I am enjoying knowing him so far. (BTW, it turned out that he never read my profile on the dating site....). Date ended on a good note...or so I thought. The following morning, I got this long ass email from him:

 

I must say I REALLYlike you. I think we are a match. I think you are smart, have a good sense ofhumor, a good heart, and share pretty much the same values with me. I am alsoattracted to you physically. In fact, I did not expect it to turn out that goodas it has been going, thus far.

 

I am an honestperson, but not always perfect. I have not offered one very important detail,as it comes to my dating. I am just at the end of a 2.5 years longrelationship. As you can figure, it did not go too well, for why we decided tobreak up. We had some difficult times over the summer (including a 3-weekhiatus, during which we did not talk, but it really wasn't clear what was goingon with us, i.e. over/not over), followed by a month and a half getting backtogether, which ended a few weeks ago now. This last time, even though looked similar to the summer hiatus, it was clear that matters were graver and ourrelationship was on life support and/or in a terminally ill shape.

 

I was very confused.We mutually had a lot of love, without question, but it was being chipped awayby lots of misunderstandings and arguments. I was confused. While I still loved her and wanted to be with her all the time, I was trying to push myself away emotionally due to lot of frustration and resentment over certain things that I rationally thought were making it impossible for us to move on. In the midst ofthis confusional state I made the mistake to get on dating sites. To tell you the truth, in the past, every time I was attached to somebody and for whatever reason it came to an end, as a part of a "cognitive-behavioral therapy" I forced myself to start seeing other women quickly, pretty much right away. This has been painful for me, but helped shorten the time needed tomove on and distract myself from all the pains. I am very sentimental and Iknow if I don't do something like this then I almost certainly will go back to the other person, because being apart just keeps growing the good parts, thegreat memories, and the like (while the bad things, for why it did not work inthe first place tend to fade

 

This has worked forme before, but unfortunately is selfish for a couple of reasons. First of allthe random person I happen to grab to use for this "crash dummy" role clearly does not deserve to be treated like that. Second, it is not respectful to theex, who, while for whatever reason won't work out as a partner, is stillsomebody I loved and shared my life with, which obligates me for the rest of mylife to look out for their interest

 

My behavior in a great part was driven in this case by this past habit of moving on fast andfinding a "crash dummy" to get the ex out of my head (and heart)quickly, plus also I was simply confused in a complicated matter with littletime to think it through

 

I have done somethinking now and realized that my behavior is simply not mature, not acceptable, bu my own standards. I am not such a dog to be doing something likethis. I owe more to my ex, even if our relationship is clearly doomed and willnever stand a chance of resurrection (which I am almost 100% sure neither shenor I want to consider at this point). But most importantly I owe more thanthis to you, whom I came to like and respect a lot. I think you don't qualifyfor a "crash dummy", you are much too good for that, in every way Ican look at it. I think you and I deserve more than this. As I realized that what we have is more than just having sex "no strings attached" to get some quick relief, but has the potential to be much more than that, I feel it is the right thing to do to give perhaps a couple of weeks time for me to be able to properly mourn my previous relationship and have it conclusively closedin my heart, before I can start a new page and allow an opportunity for you tomove in my fully renovated hear that has no complicated matters in there anymore

 

I hope you understand me (as complicated this is) and agree to speak with me again in a couple ofweeks. So you know, I will not be dating anybody else (as I have not, you were my first match and I have not pursued any other) and probably won't be seeingmy ex either, although I still have her stuff in my house and may meet her onemore time to give her back her house key and all the stuff I packed up. I also say that I am still in love with her (as that won't go away in a short timelike this) and even though we clearly concluded there was no "us" anymore and neither of us wanted to consider a restart, in all honesty I cannot 100% rule that possibility out (I am a scientist, so based on all the evidenceI have in front of me, I judge the chances of that happening may be around1-2%

 

I feel I was not forthcoming and honest about this during our first 2 dates and I should havediscussed this. I wasn't sure what was going on exactly, and I takeresponsibility for my confusion and mistaken behavior. I did not mean to hurtanyone and I am hoping we can have a chance to start this over, when I am in abetter head space with a settled heart. If you think this is just "too much" and isn't worth the wait, let me know. I will be sad, but willunderstand. Please reply back as to what you would like do

 

If you read up to this point, thank... Here's my question, what the heck does this guy want from me? I tried to cancel the darn date the first time. He still loves his chic, why is he suggesting I talk to him again. Oh right, they broke up... but he says there's a 1 to 2% chance they might be back together. What do you think, guys? And thanks a lot for your time

 

BTW...

I should add that this guy is very intelligent, he prides himself on his understanding of human psychology and how to navigate them to his benefit... The long email attests to this, and he generally loves to writes. He blogs long pages daily. I welcome your take on this.

 

I know there's no future here, but this still really hurts!!! I've never done well with rejections :-(

It's been a week since this bombshell, and I still ache. What to to? what to do? The vodka is not working!!!!