Is my people picking instinct broken?

[Mrlonelyone]

Looking at myself. I wonder if my brain's people picking instincts are just broken. Here is a sample of my dating and/or sexual history since Senior year in high school.

 

 

H He was a strong silent jock. We spoke little and did much. No real compatability there.

 

S wrote about her here a few times. We met at school and fooled around right there in class. On and off relationship for six years, possibly a child but I was never claimed by her as the father and can't afford to sue. She was very technical and I liked that, but not too creative.

 

L Was a girlfriend of one of my best friends in college. She dated that friend for a year. Then, at a time while I was broken up with S, she and I had a one nighter. She was very creative but not very technical.

 

D Was a good friend in college. A very technical but not creative person. While we never did it he could be called an intimate friend.

 

M was a roomate. They were like me a male to female transgender person. We were not a couple but some people thought we were. (It was strange to be seen as a lesbian when we weren't even an item and we were biologically male). All that said and as badly as this ended, this was my best relationship in terms of my overall mental state.

 

E Someone I met at a pole dancing class and wrote about here. We hung out a bit and got to know eachother very well. How and why this ended isn't a mystery. They found someone more conventional and who they liked more enough.

 

Plenty of random hooking up with men, a few women, and some female to male transgender men I just picked up at the bar. Interspersed thorough out all of this. Including one person I passionately made out with on eye contact alone ( and I am certain I met them latter on with them living as a woman...most of the time.)

 

I have been tested for STD's twice since that period I'm clean.

 

C Someone I discovered at school a month ago and wrote about here. We realize we met, in passing, a couple years ago. They rejected my asking them out but they act interested in me still. Creative and technical but also somewhat immature.

 

 

I have even tried a trasngender specific online dating website. Where, after messaging me so much I was stood up by this one guy, then the guy has the nerve to continue chatting with me as if nothing was wrong. WTF?

 

 

There you have an overview of my relationship dating and sexual history. Does anyone see any pattern? What am I doing wrong? How am I picking wrong? What the heck is wrong with me?

Edited October 10, 2012 by Mrlonelyone
Missed one

[xdahliax]

It doesn't feel like you felt that strongly about any of them. You keep saying that they were either "technical" or "creative" like it's a check off a list. If I went over my relationships in my head and had to describe the men, I'd have a really hard time. I couldn't limit myself to two words, and 'technical' would probably not appear on any of those descriptions. Maybe you're attracted to the wrong types of people, or your relationships move too fast for you to really see if they person is what you're looking for.

[Mrlonelyone]

It doesn't feel like you felt that strongly about any of them. You keep saying that they were either "technical" or "creative" like it's a check off a list.

If I went over my relationships in my head and had to describe the men, I'd have a really hard time. I couldn't limit myself to two words, and 'technical' would probably not appear on any of those descriptions.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

I have written long threads here about one or two of those people. I had to summarize what I felt were the most salient points about some of them. For many of them it was that they were really talented, gifted really, either in more technical, scientific pursuits or creative artistic pursuits or some mixture of both.

 

 

Maybe you're attracted to the wrong types of people, or your relationships move too fast for you to really see if they person is what you're looking for.

 

You may be right about me going for the wrong kind of people. I don't think I move too fast. In all those cases above, except the hooking up I wrote of, we were friends first. We shared genuine common interest in our technical and/or creative pursuits. We shared in the pleasure of creating things and finding things out, about the world and each other. While that feels good, perhaps, I should pick someone who isn't like that and see how things go?

Edited October 10, 2012 by Mrlonelyone

[xdahliax]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I have written long threads here about one or two of those people. I had to summarize what I felt were the most salient points about some of them. For many of them it was that they were really talented, gifted really, either in more technical, scientific pursuits or creative artistic pursuits or some mixture of both.

 

 

 

 

You may be right about me going for the wrong kind of people. I don't think I move too fast. In all those cases above, except the hooking up I wrote of, we were friends first. We shared genuine common interest in our technical and/or creative pursuits. We shared in the pleasure of creating things and finding things out, about the world and each other. While that feels good, perhaps, I should pick someone who isn't like that and see how things go?

 

I wouldn't avoid people who are like that just for the sake of it, but I don't think that sharing common interests in pursuits is necessary. There's one guy that I can think of that had nothing in common with me in those terms, even though we had a lot of the same values. I've always been focused on making money and having a career, and he just floated from one job to the next because it made him happy. He could do that because he was really smart. I don't think that he is more creative than I am, but he tends to indulge in creating things much more than I do. It's nice to fall for someone whose life is so different from yours, they sort of help you become a better person and you do the same for them. You balance each other out.

[Mrlonelyone]

Yeah I sort of experienced that with the people who were really heavy on the creative side of things.

 

Where we would clash often was over the creative aspects of what I do. In short, while I could appreciate and respect their work at times it seemed as if they looked down on my science. On the other hand, I know many pairings of scientist with more artistically creative people that have lasted a good long time.

 

What it feels like is, I won't get what I'm looking for out of dating until I figure out what's wrong with me. That if I just picked differently something could work out.

[xdahliax]

Yeah I sort of experienced that with the people who were really heavy on the creative side of things.

 

Where we would clash often was over the creative aspects of what I do. In short, while I could appreciate and respect their work at times it seemed as if they looked down on my science. On the other hand, I know many pairings of scientist with more artistically creative people that have lasted a good long time.

 

What it feels like is, I won't get what I'm looking for out of dating until I figure out what's wrong with me. That if I just picked differently something could work out.

 

I don't know you, but normally I like to think less and feel more and it works for me. Good luck:)

[PinkSapphire]

I may be reading this wrong, so forgive me if so. I am a person who feels attraction and chemistry with few and far between generally needing to get to know them first for a bit of time.

 

Do you know what you want? Like, a list of ideal traits? that would be helpful just to have in your head.

One thing that popped out to me is that it seems like most of these were just convenient, not a lot of strong feelings from your end (could be just in the way you described them). Were you ever in love with anyone or had stronger feelings for some than others?

 

I typically try to find someone I have good flirtations with and sense some interest on their part, potential attraction on mine (generally not attracted at first site). Then, get to know them, date but keep the physical stuff on the shelf for a good several dates, and see if you have similar interests/habits/hobbies etc. Are you personality-wise compatible? This is where attraction comes from. If someone treats you poorly, don't continue to correspond with them. For instance, Mr. Stood-you-up from the dating site. No more chatting, cut him off.

 

You teach others how to treat you, don't just accept what they dish out. Have boundaries and self-respect enough to kindly let them know what you will and will not tolerate. Also helps to be kind, friendly, open, and generous to them as well (but NEVER more than they are to you, especially as a new-[er?] female). If you give more than they do, they will soon take you for granted and that shows you are more into them than they need to be with you. Make them show you how much you mean to them.

 

It may not be your people picker, but it may be how you teach them to treat you. Also? Hooking up with friend's previous partner is really low. You accept that for yourself? If so, take it for a ONS, some fun, not anything with potential for more. Protect yourself (yes, safe sex, too, but I mean your heart and emotions here).

 

Am I way off or does that help at all?

[utterer of lies]

There you have an overview of my relationship dating and sexual history. Does anyone see any pattern? What am I doing wrong? How am I picking wrong? What the heck is wrong with me?

 

The pattern is that you are so unsure about who you are, so broken inside that you cannot relate to other people in the way you would need for a real relationship.

[Mrlonelyone]

@ UL.

 

I am sure of who I am. I am a male to female transgender woman who is bisexual. Perhaps that confuses you but it makes perfect sense to me.

 

@ Pink Sapphire.

 

I did feel quite strongly for some of those people. I just can't write a whole retelling of each of those. Each one could be a 100 page novel and still leave something out.

 

My list of ideal things is really short.

 

At least college educated. (about 30% of people in the USA)

At least not obese. (about 50% of people)

Truly LGBT friendly, not just tolerate but appreciate and celebrates people like me ( about 5% to 7% of people).

Between ages 20 and 40 ( about 30% of the US)

 

That works out to about 0.003% of the people in the USA. Which sounds too picky until we consider that works out to about 862,000 people.

 

Those are the things I am not flexible on. I am flexible on everything else. It's all about how two people connect and there has to be room for that. If one is so sure of what they want they can end up passing up someone less than "perfect" who could make them happy, at least for a while.

[xdahliax]

@ UL.

 

I am sure of who I am. I am a male to female transgender woman who is bisexual. Perhaps that confuses you but it makes perfect sense to me.

 

@ Pink Sapphire.

 

I did feel quite strongly for some of those people. I just can't write a whole retelling of each of those. Each one could be a 100 page novel and still leave something out.

 

My list of ideal things is really short.

 

At least college educated. (about 30% of people in the USA)

At least not obese. (about 50% of people)

Truly LGBT friendly, not just tolerate but appreciate and celebrates people like me ( about 5% to 7% of people).

Between ages 20 and 40 ( about 30% of the US)

 

That works out to about 0.003% of the people in the USA. Which sounds too picky until we consider that works out to about 862,000 people.

 

Those are the things I am not flexible on. I am flexible on everything else. It's all about how two people connect and there has to be room for that. If one is so sure of what they want they can end up passing up someone less than "perfect" who could make them happy, at least for a while.

 

Do you go to LGBT clubs/bars/gatherings? If you say that only 5% to 7% of people are truly LGBT friendly, which is the largest constraint in all your parameters, you'd have really good odds of finding a lot of people that match the rest of your list.

[Mrlonelyone]

Do you go to LGBT clubs/bars/gatherings? If you say that only 5% to 7% of people are truly LGBT friendly, which is the largest constraint in all your parameters, you'd have really good odds of finding a lot of people that match the rest of your list.

 

True I used to, when I mentioned going to bars in my original posting.

 

Many people are truly LGBT friendly who don't even know it. I arrived at the 5 to 7% number by doubling the number of out LGBT people.

 

Another thing to consider is that within the LGBT community many people are squeamish about dating a transgender person. In fact most of the people I have been with consider themselves straight. Very few have been honest enough with themselves to acknowledge any level of non heterosexuality in themselves. One of my ex lovers actually killed someone, driven to insanity by his self directed homophobia.

 

@pink

 

"Hooking up with a friends previous partner...". I was in a small college town. She was a person of that town. If people never hooked up with a friends previous partner people would never date after a while. Everyone knows everyone in such places. This is one of the things about dating just within the Lesbian or Gay community. Imagine going to the one bar or the same parties over and over and knowing your going to see more than one ex there. It's allot like being in a small town, even when in a big big city.

Edited October 11, 2012 by Mrlonelyone

[xdahliax]

 

Another thing to consider is that within the LGBT community many people are squeamish about dating a transgender person.

 

I'm sorry about that I would have thought the opposite.

[Mrlonelyone]

I'm sorry about that I would have thought the opposite.

 

Yeah I know. Straight men fear liking people like me means they are gay. Gay men fear that liking someone like me means they are straight. The same for women. I have accepted that no matter who I date they are going to have to deal with a little identity crisis. "Why would someone like that think I am into them? Why would they think I was gay/straight ?"

[carhill]

Perhaps try focusing in on people with similar relationship 'interests' and 'styles', rather than those with qualifiable and quantifiable career/job/hobby synergies. 'Feel' the potentials rather than 'think' them. Being bisexual and transgendered, you have a unique perspective that few of us will ever know.

 

I recall, long in the past, asking a transgendered lady out on a date. I don't know whether she was straight or bisexual but I can opine I had no fears of 'being gay' when posing the question. She was merely someone I felt intimacy and synergy with and the 'feel' was 'straight female', hence the approach and question.

 

IMO, your pick will come with the person who is fascinated by MLO the person, rather than MLO the transgendered, bi-sexual cosmologist. You're young and have a long life ahead of you. This is a process. Every part of it is good information. Look at all of it, the successes and the failures, as moving forward.

[Mrlonelyone]

Perhaps try focusing in on people with similar relationship 'interests' and 'styles', rather than those with qualifiable and quantifiable career/job/hobby synergies. 'Feel' the potentials rather than 'think' them. Being bisexual and transgendered, you have a unique perspective that few of us will ever know.

 

I recall, long in the past, asking a transgendered lady out on a date. I don't know whether she was straight or bisexual but I can opine I had no fears of 'being gay' when posing the question. She was merely someone I felt intimacy and synergy with and the 'feel' was 'straight female', hence the approach and question.

 

IMO, your pick will come with the person who is fascinated by MLO the person, rather than MLO the transgendered, bi-sexual cosmologist. You're young and have a long life ahead of you. This is a process. Every part of it is good information. Look at all of it, the successes and the failures, as moving forward.

 

I'll try what you and the others have said. It's just, I have dealt with so much by thinking rather than feeling, and been told it is wrong or a sin to feel the things I feel. Perhaps, that is my issue and why these things don't work out for me.

[ascendotum]

The pattern is that you are so unsure about who you are, so broken inside that you cannot relate to other people in the way you would need for a real relationship.

 

I wondered this to, from your past posts where I thought you had flipped between male & female gender at times, though I saw your answer to UL.

As a TG person, you probably get quite a lot more people who are interested in a hookup as opposed to a LTR, at a guess. How do any of your friends/ acquaintances that are M>F get on when it comes to long term relationships (are they all living their ideal love life)?

I thought it would not be all that easy in general for transgenders (how totally feminine or masculine they are now as well as their emotional peace of mind with themselves would impact on prospective partners).

"Straight men fear liking people like me means they are gay"...you will encounter this a lot, and it will very much reduce your options, as you have discovered. This is nothing to do with your 'people picking'.

[Mrlonelyone]

I wondered this to, from your past posts where I thought you had flipped between male & female gender at times, though I saw your answer to UL.

 

I have at times presented a more masculine or feminine persona. That's different than flipping from male to female.

 

How do any of your friends/ acquaintances that are M>F get on when it comes to long term relationships (are they all living their ideal love life)?

 

That's the thing, I know it's possible. Plenty of M>F transwomen are married to men or women with children, adopted, step, and natural. The struggle is always finding someone you like who likes you back and on top of that dose not care what random people may think.

 

No transwoman passes 100% of the time. So no matter who we end up with someone is going to have an adverse opinion. If you read my comments about social status and dating, you know I think that such things matter more than anyone cares to admit. I have seen other peoples relationships end because of the opinions of strangers on the street.

 

As a TG person, you probably get quite a lot more people who are interested in a hookup as opposed to a LTR, at a guess.

 

True. Plenty of people male and female are willing to experiment. Some even willing to have a fling and keep it secret. When it comes to standing up and saying this is my SO and I love them, openly. Very few have had the guts.

 

One of the things the TG community wants is for our lovers who consider themselves straight to come out and show just how large a group they are. (consider this, the most lucrative kind of porno right now is TG porn. Who buys all of that? )

 

 

"Straight men fear liking people like me means they are gay"...you will encounter this a lot, and it will very much reduce your options, as you have discovered.

 

The same goes for gay men. They are just as attached to a certain self image as straight men, same for straight and lesbian women. To date me someone has to be really comfortable with who they are and realize that who one loves dosen't change that.

 

This is nothing to do with your 'people picking'.

 

I hope you are right. Hey there are over 100,000 people who I could be compatible who meet my requirements. Right now I am looking for one person I could spend a good long time with. Quality > Quantity.

[PinkSapphire]

I like all of your points, MLO. It sounds like it will just be a lot of trial and error for you, unfortunately. Must be a bit tough to be TG and have all those extra issues to deal with, besides the universal struggle of just finding someone to connect with (it isn't easy for anyone).

 

I say keep doing what you are doing. As said above, every relationship is a learning experience; you learn about yourself, what you want, what you don't want, what you need to change, etc. The same for all of us. Just keep dating, but don't focus so much on it. It's a PART of your life, but develop the others as well (it seems you are, but thought I'd point that out). It will happen eventually, just takes time.

 

I also like the idea of spreading your activities so you expand your social circle. Are there new gay/trans clubs and bars you could try? Maybe new activities that may or may not have any potential partners attend? What new thing can you add to your life that will help you meet new people for all aspects, even just as friends, in your life. That is the best way, just keep meeting new people, get to know them, develop yourself, travel. Eventually it will happen for you. Good luck!

[Mrlonelyone]

@pink.

 

I wish there were new trans bars opening. There aren't so many bars where people like me just hang out anymore.

 

Wrap your brain around this paradox. I get the best response from straight men at straight bars and lesbian women at gay bars. Straight (but probably a bit bisexual) women are more responsive to me than gay men.

 

I could try one of the adult sports activities offered by my local park district. Knowing my luck, once again, everone there will be taken...yet still be interested in some fooling around. It's hard to be positive when every bit of evidence says to be negative.

 

TL;DR: I can find sex , even with a woman, easy. But love, intimacy, or even acceptance are much harder.