.... he stood me up

[tori0001]

I guess I would say don't come over tonight, we'll talk tomorrow.

[sendme]

First of all I'm not sleeping with him.... and secondly I am just newly out of a break up which is why we're just hanging out for now... thus, no sleeping together... no booty call....

 

Just looking for someone to hang out with and kill time with, needing a little ego boost so I'm not sitting at home alone feeling pathetic while my ex is screwing any number of the women he was screwing when we were together....

[Shaun-Dro]

okay... so I'm casually dating this guy... two hours ago I ask what he's doing tonight, he says nothing do you want to get together, I said what about the baseball game he says I'm thinking of taking the night off because I have another one tomorrow... I say okay, I'm going to take a shower and then I'll be over, and he says, no I'll come to your place two hours go by and I don't hear from him, so I send him a text that says "did you fall asleep? did you stand me up?" another half hour goes by and he says "No I just finished the baseball game. can I come over?"

 

well now I'm put out... I mean really he couldn't just tell me he went to the game? I feel like it was very inconsiderate, but I'm bad at casually dating...

 

so what would you do... let him come over... or say goodnight?

 

This is a easy-to-do thing. Just let him come by so you two can get busy on that nice cozy couch. When will women stop making things difficult? It is only going to hurt you in the end.

[MrCastle]

First of all I'm not sleeping with him.... and secondly I am just newly out of a break up which is why we're just hanging out for now... thus, no sleeping together... no booty call....

 

Just looking for someone to hang out with and kill time with, needing a little ego boost so I'm not sitting at home alone feeling pathetic while my ex is screwing any number of the women he was screwing when we were together....

 

Does this man know he is in the friendzone/being used as an ego boost or do you eventually plan to be intimate with him?

[Ninjainpajamas]

First of all I'm not sleeping with him.... and secondly I am just newly out of a break up which is why we're just hanging out for now... thus, no sleeping together... no booty call....

 

Just looking for someone to hang out with and kill time with, needing a little ego boost so I'm not sitting at home alone feeling pathetic while my ex is screwing any number of the women he was screwing when we were together....

 

Not a booty call, yet...next phase is external validation through false intimacy, the desire to feel valued and worthy through your own self-loathing and emptiness feeling.

 

You need to get over you ex alone, this guy isn't going to server as anything but a rebound, and most things you'll overlook because of where you are emotionally.

[curlygirl40]

First of all I'm not sleeping with him.... and secondly I am just newly out of a break up which is why we're just hanging out for now... thus, no sleeping together... no booty call....

 

Just looking for someone to hang out with and kill time with, needing a little ego boost so I'm not sitting at home alone feeling pathetic while my ex is screwing any number of the women he was screwing when we were together....

 

O.K, then. Let's go back to this. Even if he is just a friend who you enjoy hanging out with, let's say this was a girlfriend who did this to you, isn't it disprespectful? Shouldn't you expect more out of a friend?

 

You teach people how to treat you. Period. So if you let him come over that night, after some 'miscommunication and then sweet apologies', you have just taught him that you don't value your time enough, you don't value yourself enough, to not tolerate that behavior. Even from a friend.

 

I'm not judging you, just trying to show you. Believe me, I'm in my 40's and my first experience post divorce (out of a 20 year marriage/relationship) I was like an 18 year old dating again. I had to learn this all myself.

 

Looking back at my first experience with a guy after the divorce, I did this sort of stuff too not realizing I was setting myself up. I was way too nice and kind hearted. Now I know better.

 

Look at Ninja's signature line. Demand more respect for yourself.

 

I could maybe see if he said 'I'm going to the game but will you still be around later?', but he pulled some sort of bait and switch on you. Not cool.

 

And I agree with Ninja. You're not sleeping with him now, but is he 'grooming' you so to speak for it to happen later?

 

Food for thought. Just keep your eyes wide open.

[geegirl]

Just looking for someone to hang out with and kill time with, needing a little ego boost so I'm not sitting at home alone feeling pathetic while my ex is screwing any number of the women he was screwing when we were together....

 

This is why you don't date or hang out with the oppostite sex when you are still trying to heal from a break-up.

 

You seek external validation to make you feel good about yourself. You don't need a man to give you an ego boost. This is why when you have a hole in your soul, you work on rebuilding what's broken on your own. You don't latch on to someone else hoping it'll be a fixer. Your healing should be focused on filling that void by involving yourself in what makes you feel good about you, not leaning on man to make you feel good about you.

 

Healing gets you to a point where you enjoy your own company without needing the ego boosts or the attention from someone else because you're content and happy with YOU and who you are and what you have. And when you are content with you and now loving the possibilities of what life has to offer, you'll have a better chance at picking right and when you do pick him, he'll just be an added bonus to an already complete life.

 

You feel pathetic because he is screwing other women so you engage in self-destructive behavior as well, knowing that it's far too soon for you to be attaching yourself again? Where is the emotional intelligence in your actions?

 

Kill time by sitting with yourself and focusing on self-relection. Focus on hobbies and pastimes that fell by the wayside when you were with him. Try to enjoy your own company. Re-engage with your girlfriends or friends that have disconnected from you. Find a passion and invest your time volunteering. Start a workout plan. You rebuild and reinvent yourself after a break-up, on your own. You validate yourself.

 

You stay away from men because your judgment is skewed right now by your emotional mess. It's only been weeks since your break-up and you were on the verge of a breakdown. Face your pain, on your own. Don't mask it by attaching yourself to another, because in time, you'll settle for anything just to get away from it.

Edited October 11, 2012 by geegirl

[yongyong]

Stop wasting time by giving out advices like a therapist.

 

Do you think she is going to listen??? I know she will do what she wants anyways.

[BetheButterfly]

okay... so I'm casually dating this guy... two hours ago I ask what he's doing tonight, he says nothing do you want to get together, I said what about the baseball game he says I'm thinking of taking the night off because I have another one tomorrow... I say okay, I'm going to take a shower and then I'll be over, and he says, no I'll come to your place two hours go by and I don't hear from him, so I send him a text that says "did you fall asleep? did you stand me up?" another half hour goes by and he says "No I just finished the baseball game. can I come over?"

 

well now I'm put out... I mean really he couldn't just tell me he went to the game? I feel like it was very inconsiderate, but I'm bad at casually dating...

 

so what would you do... let him come over... or say goodnight?

 

If you want him to do that again, then sure let him go over.

 

However, he treated you with no respect. It would not at all have hurt him to call or text you saying, "Hey I decided to go to the game. Can I come over afterwards?" But nope, he didn't care enough to let you know.

 

That wasn't nice or respectful of him. If I were you, I would personally tell him, "You could have called and let me know. Goodnight and goodbye."

 

I wouldn't waste my time with a guy who disrespected me like that. It's not a problem for him to go to a game, but he can at least give you the courtesy of letting you know he is going and wants to come over later.

 

Anyways, I'm not a fan of casual dating but I don't think casual daters should put up with disrespect like that. Kaylan has a very good point.

 

My husband calls and lets me know when he's busy and can't come when he said he would. I am grateful for that, cause I know he respects me and loves me. I do the same with him.

[BetheButterfly]

"hanging out" is spending time together... I don't as a general rule hook up or sleep around outside of committed relationship... so hanging out is the phase where you're spending time together deciding where you want things to go...

 

Casually dating is a new thing for me so that's a little harder, but I guess it's the phase where you're dating around a bit... I mean if he asked another girl out to dinner Friday I wouldn't care... and if some other guy asked me out to dinner I might say yes.... so casually dating...

 

if that makes sense....

 

Plus... I literally am only a week outside of a terrible horrible relationship so really I just want to hang out and date people for a while just to see what else is out there before I get attached and vulnerable again....

 

 

Oh ok, though believe me a guy coming over can turn into something more than you bargain for pretty quickly. When I was single after my first marriage, I wasn't strong enough to say no... so just a warning there. Some guys don't even hear no... something wrong with their ears So, it's best to meet in a public place to hang out.

Edited October 11, 2012 by BetheButterfly

[BetheButterfly]

oh god you're only a WEEK out of a relationship?!

 

my vote: NO DATING right now! or hanging out! or whatever you are calling it.........

 

Agreed!!! I think it's best if you hang out with friends and heal first.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Just by looking at your face, I can tell you would go for those kind of guys.

 

Yongyoung, but who do you think you are to talk to someone like that? I think SendMe looks beautiful and happy.

 

MrCastle should again take note of a man on this board saying something derogatory to a woman...yet again.

[yongyong]

Is this white knighting?

 

I didn't say she was ugly. I meant she would go for those jersey shore type guys. I don't think she will be attracted to those average guys with 'nice vibe'

 

 

 

 

Yongyoung, but who do you think you are to talk to someone like that? I think SendMe looks beautiful and happy.

 

MrCastle should again take note of a man on this board saying something derogatory to a woman...yet again.

[sendme]

Does this man know he is in the friendzone/being used as an ego boost or do you eventually plan to be intimate with him?

 

I'm not sure what I plan... But he got screwed over majorly in his last relationship so he's not trying to rush into a relationship... For now we seem to be on the same page... Literally right now I just want someone to keep me company so I'm not thinking of my ex screwing the girl who was sending him naked pictures for the last 7 weeks!!

[sendme]

Is this white knighting?

 

I didn't say she was ugly. I meant she would go for those jersey shore type guys. I don't think she will be attracted to those average guys with 'nice vibe'

 

Haha... Jersey shore guys? No... I'm very southern so my "type" is your blonde all American guy...

 

And attraction is only part physical... So yeah the six pack cut guy melts you on sight but as I've learned with my ex if he melts you he's melting every easy whore in a three state radius and if he's not a nice guy then you get screwed over

[sendme]

This is why you don't date or hang out with the oppostite sex when you are still trying to heal from a break-up.

 

You seek external validation to make you feel good about yourself. You don't need a man to give you an ego boost. This is why when you have a hole in your soul, you work on rebuilding what's broken on your own. You don't latch on to someone else hoping it'll be a fixer. Your healing should be focused on filling that void by involving yourself in what makes you feel good about you, not leaning on man to make you feel good about you.

.

 

I get what you're saying... And to some extent I know I'm a catch and I bring a lot to the table... However having the guy your dating cheat on you with a line of nearly a dozen stunningly beautiful women... I don't know it's nice to feel like you can still catch someone's eye... His cheating on me had nothing to do with me, except that I stayed longer than I should have... But it still makes you feel undesirable....

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Is this white knighting?

 

I didn't say she was ugly. I meant she would go for those jersey shore type guys. I don't think she will be attracted to those average guys with 'nice vibe'

 

While I am flattered you attached such noble endevors to my online behavior, I think closer to the truth is that it's just about being a decent human being and calling people out on their bs. Hence you being called out becaue you know..your bs.

[NoMoreJerks]

okay... so I'm casually dating this guy... two hours ago I ask what he's doing tonight, he says nothing do you want to get together, I said what about the baseball game he says I'm thinking of taking the night off because I have another one tomorrow... I say okay, I'm going to take a shower and then I'll be over, and he says, no I'll come to your place two hours go by and I don't hear from him, so I send him a text that says "did you fall asleep? did you stand me up?" another half hour goes by and he says "No I just finished the baseball game. can I come over?"

 

well now I'm put out... I mean really he couldn't just tell me he went to the game? I feel like it was very inconsiderate, but I'm bad at casually dating...

 

so what would you do... let him come over... or say goodnight?

What??! I don't get it -- I thought he said he wasn't going to watch the game? So he lied? And you are now unsure as to what to do? No way, no how, do not even bother to call / text. You are a booty call, nothing more, nothing less.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I'm not sure what I plan... But he got screwed over majorly in his last relationship so he's not trying to rush into a relationship... For now we seem to be on the same page... Literally right now I just want someone to keep me company so I'm not thinking of my ex screwing the girl who was sending him naked pictures for the last 7 weeks!!

 

Read the boards...a lot of guys are using that excuse these days...you know what that means in guy talk?

 

"It's ok for me to burn you because someone else burned me, so I've been through more or worse and all I care to think about is myself and my own feelings"

 

This sounds like a good match because you figure "oh wow, we've both been through the same thing and knows what it feels like" but men and women handle rejection very differently...men want to go create a whirlwind and backlash of destruction by disconnecting from women and playing the field typically, not wanting to let their emotional guard down again...while a woman wants to get sucked up into another situation that makes her feel good and validated because the last guy treated her like crap or neglected/cheated on her in some way.

 

So you may have a similar history but It in no way means you're on the same page or even heading to the same destination.

 

Men have a venge

 

I get what you're saying... And to some extent I know I'm a catch and I bring a lot to the table... However having the guy your dating cheat on you with a line of nearly a dozen stunningly beautiful women... I don't know it's nice to feel like you can still catch someone's eye... His cheating on me had nothing to do with me, except that I stayed longer than I should have... But it still makes you feel undesirable....

 

You know you're a catch and bring a lot to the tale yet because of your insecurity and vulnerability you'll do more stupid things than you think you should.

 

You did it in your past relationship, now you'll do it again because you'll actually end up carrying the same methods along with you in the present...you're so consumed, controlled and influenced by your past relationship that this whole experience gets twisted into some weird emotional trip...It's like your own a drug and you won't realize it until you're out of it again, and that takes time.

 

If you're looking for men to make you feel validated and important you're going to be in big trouble....look at women around you who are older and more experienced doing the same thing they are in their 20's practically...just on a different level and even though they complain they haven't really changed a thing...that's what happens when you don't put the focus and effort in yourself and just on another new man or new love interest so that you can forget about the past...you can run, but every time you turn around it'll be right smack in your face.

 

So face it now, go through the pain and emotions of getting over a hurtful experience and relationship, or not learn anything and get yourself in another situation because what started out just trying to distract yourself ends up another relationship with two damaged people, taking out each others painful emotions and issues out on each other...of course at your age it just seems like chance and something mysterious that can't be explained as to why you have issues in relatoinships, it's just simply not the right person or match...when that's not it...what's all your relationships have in common...you...change and fix you and you will avoid "those men" because you'll know a bad deal when you see it instead of get blind sided by a truck when it all falls apart.

[sendme]

Read the boards...a lot of guys are using that excuse these days...you know what that means in guy talk?

 

"It's ok for me to burn you because someone else burned me, so I've been through more or worse and all I care to think about is myself and my own feelings"

 

This sounds like a good match because you figure "oh wow, we've both been through the same thing and knows what it feels like" but men and women handle rejection very differently...men want to go create a whirlwind and backlash of destruction by disconnecting from women and playing the field typically, not wanting to let their emotional guard down again...while a woman wants to get sucked up into another situation that makes her feel good and validated because the last guy treated her like crap or neglected/cheated on her in some way.

 

So you may have a similar history but It in no way means you're on the same page or even heading to the same destination.

 

Men have a venge

 

 

 

You know you're a catch and bring a lot to the tale yet because of your insecurity and vulnerability you'll do more stupid things than you think you should.

 

You did it in your past relationship, now you'll do it again because you'll actually end up carrying the same methods along with you in the present...you're so consumed, controlled and influenced by your past relationship that this whole experience gets twisted into some weird emotional trip...It's like your own a drug and you won't realize it until you're out of it again, and that takes time.

 

If you're looking for men to make you feel validated and important you're going to be in big trouble....look at women around you who are older and more experienced doing the same thing they are in their 20's practically...just on a different level and even though they complain they haven't really changed a thing...that's what happens when you don't put the focus and effort in yourself and just on another new man or new love interest so that you can forget about the past...you can run, but every time you turn around it'll be right smack in your face.

 

So face it now, go through the pain and emotions of getting over a hurtful experience and relationship, or not learn anything and get yourself in another situation because what started out just trying to distract yourself ends up another relationship with two damaged people, taking out each others painful emotions and issues out on each other...of course at your age it just seems like chance and something mysterious that can't be explained as to why you have issues in relatoinships, it's just simply not the right person or match...when that's not it...what's all your relationships have in common...you...change and fix you and you will avoid "those men" because you'll know a bad deal when you see it instead of get blind sided by a truck when it all falls apart.

 

 

Wow... there are so many gems in what you said...

I agree that there is definitely processing that needs to happen here. that's why I'm going through counseling... because I want to move forward and be a whole complete person, my last relationship was a hydrogen bomb, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life living in the nuclear fallout!

 

That being said, I also don't think that I'm all that unique in feeling and wanting what I feel and want at this point in time... it's not that I want total "validation" I as a person am not ONLY my looks, but yes it's nice to feel validated about looks when you got cheated on... I get validation from plenty of other places... from succeeding in medical school, achieving fitness goals, from my spiritual life, from my relationships with family and friends, from volunteering, and from new life experiences... but it is nice to feel attractive