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can chemistry happen later?


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Posted

Unfortunately I only have the butterflies feeling with really hot guys that turn out to be douches.

 

The nice guys I do want to like them instantly, but I just don't get that feeling. Is this something that can grow? Or should I give up if I'm not instantly wanting to pounce on them?

 

For example this guy called me and said Um so many times on the voicemail it was just such a turn off. I guess it's supposed to be cute he is nervous, but it just doesn't do it for me :(

Posted

I was instantly attracted to every guy that I've been really attracted to. I've never gone from like...a 6 to 10 in attraction. I have been more attracted to guys over time but I don't know if it would ever have reached that level had I entered those relationships.

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Posted
I was instantly attracted to every guy that I've been really attracted to. I've never gone from like...a 6 to 10 in attraction. I have been more attracted to guys over time but I don't know if it would ever have reached that level had I entered those relationships.

 

oh god i'm screwed :/

Posted

Definitely. But you need to have a little attraction I think. Some people get a lot hotter when you get to know them more. Or sometimes it takes some physical contact to confirm it (or kill it, it works both ways).

  • Like 1
Posted
oh god i'm screwed :/

 

I just want to add that most guys that I've been really attracted to actually weren't standard hotties, except for maybe 1. I think that to be that attracted to someone, it goes beyond the physical. It also has to do with their mannerisms, eye contact, personality...so I don't think you're screwed. It just hasn't happened yet.

Posted
can chemistry happen later?

Unfortunately I only have the butterflies feeling with really hot guys that turn out to be douches.

 

That's your path until it isn't. Evidently, you currently feel this is beyond your ability to control or make choices. It is. OK, go with that. Don't mess around with nice guys who don't do it for you. Own that. Not every really hot guy will be a douche. Just keep banging away until you meet the right one. Good luck.

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Posted

You didn't say the nice guys were hot so my guess is that you don't like having the upper hand and want the worry if someone is going to like you or not and you get that with the hot guy becasue they have more options.

 

What's your definition of nice? It's a pretty vague term and to some woman if you're not an uber deuche you're nice. I had a woman tell me I'm too nice before but I bet she had no idea I cursed out one of my bosses in the parking lot at work a few days before. I'm nice but not a doormat/pushover, there's a difference.

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Posted
You didn't say the nice guys were hot so my guess is that you don't like having the upper hand and want the worry if someone is going to like you or not and you get that with the hot guy becasue they have more options.

 

What's your definition of nice? It's a pretty vague term and to some woman if you're not an uber deuche you're nice. I had a woman tell me I'm too nice before but I bet she had no idea I cursed out one of my bosses in the parking lot at work a few days before. I'm nice but not a doormat/pushover, there's a difference.

 

I guess my definition of nice guys = average guys with mid to low confidence. These guys of guys also don't do well with witty banter for some reason which is something that turns me on

Posted
Unfortunately I only have the butterflies feeling with really hot guys that turn out to be douches.

 

The nice guys I do want to like them instantly, but I just don't get that feeling. Is this something that can grow? Or should I give up if I'm not instantly wanting to pounce on them?

 

For example this guy called me and said Um so many times on the voicemail it was just such a turn off. I guess it's supposed to be cute he is nervous, but it just doesn't do it for me :(

Solution?

 

Become a better judge of character, because plenty of attractive people out there arent douches or bitches.

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Posted
correction. guys need time to warm up.

 

Not confident guys

Posted

PS - the only reason an overuse of UM in a voicemail turned you off, is because you barely found the guy attractive from the get go.

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Posted (edited)
I guess my definition of nice guys = average guys with mid to low confidence. These guys of guys also don't do well with witty banter for some reason which is something that turns me on

Speaking of witty banter...the reason I was so drawn to my ex when I first met her is that she was a bitch. Straight up.

 

She was the first girl I had met who didnt back down from me. She kept up with me well in terms of dishing out attitude. It was great and aggravating at the same time.. And we disliked each other as much as we liked each other first off. It made for some insane chemistry.

 

I love a strong personality.

Edited by kaylan
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Posted

My best relationship experiences are the ones with little initial chemistry and it grows steadily and slowly. It can be disconcerting in the beginning because no fireworks go off and no butterflies flutter, but I'm learning that's actually a GOOD sign, for me.

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Posted
My best relationship experiences are the ones with little initial chemistry and it grows steadily and slowly. It can be disconcerting in the beginning because no fireworks go off and no butterflies flutter, but I'm learning that's actually a GOOD sign, for me.

 

I believe this as well. Those "fireworks" can blind either person into thinking there is a relationship waiting to happen and they later find themselves incompatible...or when the fireworks eventually fade, there's nothing left and it falls apart anyway.

Posted
Not confident guys

 

What do you want in a man? Turned off by saying um in a VM.Have to come out of the gate running with banter, can't take time to "warm up". What if he's not warming up because he's not feeding off the vibe YOU give? I'm tired of going on dates with women who put it all on the man to carry everything. The humor, convo etc. Crack a joke first don't be scared or are you not "confident" enough.

 

I steer clear of women who say they like confident men and don't list ANY other traits/characteristics they like. It tells me they want to sit back in safe mode and not contribute/take any risks at all. It tells me in their eyes men have to be emotionless rocks and can't ever be vulnerable. If a woman ever asks me if I'm confident I'll tell her I'm human. I've asked for numbers "cold" from women I've helped at my job does that make me confident?

Posted
Unfortunately I only have the butterflies feeling with really hot guys that turn out to be douches.

 

The nice guys I do want to like them instantly, but I just don't get that feeling. Is this something that can grow? Or should I give up if I'm not instantly wanting to pounce on them?

 

For example this guy called me and said Um so many times on the voicemail it was just such a turn off. I guess it's supposed to be cute he is nervous, but it just doesn't do it for me :(

 

 

nice guys are deeper and make love better they dont tend to check out the mirror to see if their hair is flopping the right way when they make love....thats a bonus.... they actually care about a woman and her needs and desires...they dont play you they play with you....you should snap a nice guy up you are missing out..all in all...... nice guys are the complete package....

 

adonis is for a statue you grow moss on in your garden.sandstone is the best medium for garden statues more natural..i am fond of the word fungi on adonis in the garden...make him a little greener and pond friendly..have the nice guy in your house, adonis in the garden..be attracted to the man not the statue..did i help......;0).deb

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Posted
What do you want in a man? Turned off by saying um in a VM.Have to come out of the gate running with banter, can't take time to "warm up". What if he's not warming up because he's not feeding off the vibe YOU give? I'm tired of going on dates with women who put it all on the man to carry everything. The humor, convo etc. Crack a joke first don't be scared or are you not "confident" enough.

 

I steer clear of women who say they like confident men and don't list ANY other traits/characteristics they like. It tells me they want to sit back in safe mode and not contribute/take any risks at all. It tells me in their eyes men have to be emotionless rocks and can't ever be vulnerable. If a woman ever asks me if I'm confident I'll tell her I'm human. I've asked for numbers "cold" from women I've helped at my job does that make me confident?

 

 

Absolutely this. I consider myself very shy, but if someone returns and a conversation starts any nervousness just disappears. Yes, it takes *some* guys time to warm up and feel like their attention is actually wanted.

Posted (edited)
I believe this as well. Those "fireworks" can blind either person into thinking there is a relationship waiting to happen and they later find themselves incompatible...or when the fireworks eventually fade, there's nothing left and it falls apart anyway.

Every situation is different.

 

Some relationships start with little chemistry, and some start with great chemistry. You wont know if things will go well until you try the relationship out.

 

I much prefer strong chemistry to start...as I know exactly what I look for in a woman, thus I know what gets me going and keeps me going.

 

PS - Its been my experience, having known attractive dudes, that the whole idea of "hot guy = douche" is another way of saying "the attractive guy is a jerk for not wanting a relationship with me". Sometimes people just arent compatible and as I said early. Plenty of attractive folks are nice everyone.

Edited by kaylan
Posted
Unfortunately I only have the butterflies feeling with really hot guys that turn out to be douches.

 

I don't see a problem here. Boys will be boys, deal with it.

Posted (edited)

This (getting back to the discussion we had yesterday about the PUA Community) and why guys turn to it and why I believe that isn't a bad thing. As mentioned before, in dating many women go by chemistry first. The guy who called starla and left that stumbling voicemail might be the greatest guy in the world, but unfortunately for everyone involved, he will be written off by many women because he makes a weak first impression. It would help guys like these to learn things that seem "gamey", such as learning how to banter, so that women are attracted to them.

 

Anyway starla, as harsh as I was on you in your other thread, I give you credit for (finally) showing some awareness that it might be your people-picker and that what you are attracted to. There's nothing wrong with insisting on a hot guy as long as you screen for character--and realize that it might keep you single for a long time, while you look for the hot guy who is also good to you. That said, leaving voicemails is always awkward. At least talk to the guy before writing him off.

Edited by Imajerk17
  • Like 1
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Posted
This (getting back to the discussion we had yesterday about the PUA Community) and why guys turn to it and why I believe that isn't a bad thing. As mentioned before, in dating many women go by chemistry first. The guy who called starla and left that stumbling voicemail might be the greatest guy in the world, but unfortunately for everyone involved, he will be written off by many women because he makes a weak first impression. It would help guys like these to learn things that seem "gamey", such as learning how to banter, so that women are attracted to them.

 

Anyway starla, as harsh as I was on you in your other thread, I give you credit for (finally) showing some awareness that it might be your people-picker and that what you are attracted to. There's nothing wrong with insisting on a hot guy as long as you screen for character--and realize that it might keep you single for a long time, while you look for the hot guy who is also good to you. That said, leaving voicemails is always awkward. At least talk to the guy before writing him off.

 

Yeah I may go on one more date with him. But I'm not that into him (who knows I may be after one more date?)

Posted
I guess my definition of nice guys = average guys with mid to low confidence. These guys of guys also don't do well with witty banter for some reason which is something that turns me on

 

What a bizarro definition!

 

I have met plenty of "nice" guys who are good with banter. Even nerds too. Confidence has no relationship to niceness in my experience.

 

Nice: genuinely has good honest intentions, and approaches things in an upfront way.

 

Douche-y guys: typically really fake and status or appearance oriented. (Ed Hardy!!!) More likely to be arrogant.

 

Gentlemen: chivalrous behavior: opens doors, pulls out chairs, helps you with your coat (nice guys and douche-y guys can actually be gentlemen)

Posted

In my personal experience, the guys I had absolutely no attraction for, were the ones I ended up crushing the hardest on. I think it is because I let my guard down (thinking there was no danger of being attracted), and then when the attraction hit it bowled me over. The length of time depended on how much I saw them, the longest being 3months.

 

One thing to note though is that none of them expressed any interest in my, other than perhaps friendship, so there was no pressure coming from their side.

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