vnm6y2 Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 So over a year ago I began dating a guy that I met while he was working weekends at a faire here in town. We'd been friends for about a year by this point, and before the faire season started up again I visited him in his home, which is about 3-4 hours away from where I live. It took us about a month to decide whether or not we wanted to pursue a relationship despite the distance. We did, and we have been together for a little over a year. We have had our issues, yes, like all relationships. He is sometimes hard to read and communicate with, but usually I pick my battles and I don't push on things that aren't worth an argument. I never really considered our relationship traditional. We visited each other as often as I could, though more often than not I initiated the contact. I was the first to kiss him, make any intimate moves, etc. That's just how it was. I'm a lot more forward and aggressive than he is so I never really waited around for him to make contact. I think it grew into a pattern, which is okay. For the first 8 or so months, things were fine. I would get frustrated with him over things, but once we spent time together things felt fine. Then after the 8 month mark, things started to feel weird. I could tell something was wrong on his end. It was definitely the distance. I did everything in my power to show him that the distance isn't that bad. I have always been willing to make sacrifices - within reason - to make sure we spent time together. I love him deeply so it wasn't like I was doing something I didn't want to do, though it did aggravate me that he didn't seem to be putting in as much effort as I was. I never brought it up, which I should have, and I regret it now. We had a big argument over the distance and I took two days off of work to go see him so we could discuss our issues. The two days was wonderful and everything felt right and normal, like it usually does when we're together. But we never talked, which was the whole point of me visiting in the first place. The next time I visited, we were great and loving but didn't talk about the things that needed discussing. In August of this year, his dad passed away, which I saw coming for a while and I knew it would likely strain our relationship. I didn't see him for about a month during that period because he needed his weekends to be with his family and to for practice with his team, so he just didn't have time for me. Which sucks. I made time for him, but I never asked him to make time for me. I should have, but I didn't. I realize my mistakes now. Well the faire season started here, and I did everything in my power to make sure I was there for his shows and be the supportive girlfriend I have always considered myself to be. But something was different. He was tired, sore, and getting injured left and right, so I chalked it all up to that. He wasn't as affectionate, but I just assumed that was because he was around his team members. A week ago we got into a small argument about him not wanting to meet my parents and not wanting me to meet his family. I wanted to know why, and it escalated into him confessing he felt like he should be in love with me after a year, but isn't. He said he cares about me, but he doesn't want to continue if he isn't in love. I found this to be silly, because I don't personally believe you can put a time limit on love. He said above all else, though, was the factor of distance. While I don't consider a 3 hour drive a lot (it isn't like he lives across the country), he considers it "far enough." We spent a long time without this being too much of an issue, so I was really frustrated that it just came out like this. I asked him to give it a little more time so that his faire season can end and we can spend time together, but he didn't believe it would make a difference. He's a very, very stubborn guy, so once he's got something in his mind he doesn't usually let it go. Not for a while anyway. I believe that we just needed to do things differently. We needed to approach our relationship in new ways, which we didn't do. We basically operated the same for a whole year without finding new ways to fix our issues. So I went a week without contacting him. I told him when we broke up that I need time and that I did not want him to talk to me until I was ready. I contacted him today and we discussed hanging out. He agreed I am the one who brought this up, but I made sure to let him know that I -just- want to hang out, and I -just- want to be friends. I want this to be for us to clear the air and just enjoy each other's company as friends, with no pressure and no anxiety. I know it will be a little awkward at first, but I'm sure as the day passes things won't be so bad. He lives a few hours away so he will be coming here likely the last weekend in October. He has to make sure he doesn't already have plans first - which isn't him making an excuse, I promise. I was with him long enough to know he doesn't make promises about things if there might be something that would make him break it. He just wants to make sure he doesn't say yes and have to cancel. I am going to limit my contact until then. I won't go complete NO contact, since we have both established we want to be friends and we don't want to lose contact with each other. I won't be texting him every day like I did before (It was long distance, so texting was a main form of communication). And I will do my best to make sure I'm not the only one talking to the other first. The conversation we had once we got past talking about hanging out has been exactly like the conversations we've had our whole relationship. Things don't feel weird. Obviously we aren't talking about cuddling or anything sexual, but nothing is... weird. I don't know what that means, but I'm trying not to read too much into it. I really do want him back. And I know that it is a long road, and in the end may never happen. I just don't know what to do from here. What's my best course of action?
justwhoiam Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Hi, I'm living something similar right now. But he is in love with me, and it's me having mixed feelings. I think it's no use talking about ifs, or I could have done this, I should have done that. He told you he's not in love, and it's not clear if he really is not or he's just having mixed feelings for various reasons. Sure, every relationship can have ups & downs, but a LDR has further issues that you wouldn't have living near one another. You regret not telling him he was not putting in as much effort as you were. Don't regret it. I told him that, and it didn't do much for me. It was like accusing him and it was not good for anyone. I don't open up easily, I prefer to keep things to myself, and he pushed me to be more open and communicating such things, and then I guess it sort of played against me. So this is just to say that you never know what to expect whatever way you choose. You seem doing fine anyway right now. If he can be around you without any drive whatsoever, you will know he's not in love with you and you'll move on.
Author vnm6y2 Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 If he can be around me without a drive? Or did you mean can't be around me? I'm a bit confused. Either way, it doesn't look like we'll be seeing each other for a while. The weekend he was going to come out he realized he can't because of plans he made ahead of time. I made the mistake of letting my emotions get the best of me and got really pushy, which is something I know he hates. I fear I've made a huge mistake. I think I should probably just go NC from now on, so I deleted his number from my phone. I haven't deleted him from Facebook, but I did set it so I don't see his posts pop up on my feed. I love him. I do want him back. But I've probably made a mistake that will ruin it so I should just... give up, I think.
justwhoiam Posted October 14, 2012 Posted October 14, 2012 If he can be around me without a drive? Or did you mean can't be around me? I'm a bit confused. Yes, what I meant is if you meet up with him and see he has no sexual drive while being around you, you'll know he's not in love with you. That means he doesn't try to have skin contact, just touch you briefly, or stuff like that. Hope it's clearer now I think I should probably just go NC from now on, so I deleted his number from my phone. I haven't deleted him from Facebook, but I did set it so I don't see his posts pop up on my feed. I love him. I do want him back. But I've probably made a mistake that will ruin it so I should just... give up, I think. Yes, just go no contact, but before that, give him a choice. If you cut someone off, the other person will be left with no choice at all. Write him an email, a very short one, telling him you won't contact him anymore, you have deleted his number and removed him from your friends on FB (yes, you gotta do it). Tell him it's because you still love him and need to protect yourself, otherwise you'll get hurt. And make it clear you have no hard feelings, you're just taking a different direction because you need it, as it was getting unhealthy for you. He will at least know the reasons for your gesture. If he really loves you, he will be back. If he genuinely doesn't love you, he will let you go.
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