autumnskies Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Ok, I'm looking for some help here. Wake up call, slap in the face, whatever you want to knock me out of this thought pattern. Lately I am obsessing over my ex. He was by far the best I ever had sexually. Very passionate, and into exploring in the bedroom. Toys, pictures, video, role-playing, etc. Honestly, that was what kept me in the relationship. I was soo into him sexually. Very dominant personality. However, in other aspects of life we fought like cats & dogs. I was always jealous of all of the attention he gave other women. Such a flirt. And he smoked, drank a lot, didn't help around the house and his controlling personality in the bedroom was also true in daily life, which wasn't ok with me. So my husband is everything he wasn't. Amazing father, husband, provider, helps with everything. Stable personality. Not dominant. We're equals. Doesn't smoke or drink. And we don't fight. However he's also a nerdy type, not outwardly sexy or super attractive, and pretty straight forward in the bedroom. I've brought up playing in the bedroom, but he's not really into it, it makes him uncomfortable and is so out of character. And to be honest, with him it feels so awkward and out of his personality I'd rather not go outside of the norm. It just feels weird to try and i don't see him in the same way as my ex. He's an all around wonderful person. But he is not the outwardly sexual and dominant man my ex was. So lately I am obsessively thinking of my ex. I think of him when I'm having sex with my H and then I feel guilty. I've checked him out on FB (there is NO CHANCE of anything happening between us). I see his lifestyle hasn't changed. He's married as well, but still posting flirty stuff to girls, and being overtly publicly sexual with his wife. And I find myself so jealous of what I know she has rather than seeing what I do have. I'm dwelling on what I'm missing and my thoughts have become distracting and obsessive. So how would you knock me out of this? I know I can get H to be a *little* more sexual, but he'll never be my ex. And I don't want him to be. I'm just in this phase where I have a much greater sex drive than he does and I miss what I had.
TiredFamilyGuy Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 First, some praise is due to you for identifying this as a problem and wanting to deal with it. So, you have compartmentalised your attitudes about men into unreliable-but-sexy-alpha (your ex) and reliable-but-unsexy-beta (your husband). I suggest, that in doing so you may be unintentionally repressing your husband's sexual side. You say doing the things you secretly want would make him uncomfortable, be out of character for him, feel awkward. But those are all things about your attitude, not about your husband's. The reality may be quite different. Why do I say that? I will volunteer something from my own experience. I myself am one of those nice, stable, nerdy, helpful provider types - like your husband. Until a couple of months ago, sex with my wife was straightforward and boring, for both of us it now turns out. She also thought she was doing what I was comfortable with, I thought I was limiting myself to what she was comfortable with. We weren't communicating well, never talked about this, and sex was infrequent. What changed was that I insisted that at my wife fully and honestly committed to talking one to one with me about each of our needs/angers/thoughts. Sex was only one issue. To cut it short, I figured out that she needs a bit of domination in bed: she is a controlled person the rest of the time and it is a release for her not to be in control, sexually. How I figured it out, is by asking about her previous relationships as a byproduct of the quest to really understand what makes her tick - she didn't tell me straight, and now wishes she had. What we then did about it, is two things. First, we have a deal that neither of us will refuse sex to the other. As my wife likes to be asked, this basically means I get to walk up to her and say "We're going to have sex now." As aforementioned nerdy pleasant guy, this was never an initiative I would have instituted myself. But I have adapted damn fast. Second, we each put down ten fantasies, put them in a box, and when the kids are out play lucky dip. My wife calls it something similar, but the word only sounds like "lucky"! It's only acting, but it works. You might call this "Fake it until you make it". So what I'm saying is, just because you don't see your husband that way now, doesn't mean that view is accurate. His nice guy reservations may conceal more of a sex monster than you think - his very nice guy reservations may well have been holding all that in check. That's what nice guys are like. Until you are crystal explicit and say what you need, like "What I need you to do is blindfold me and tie me to the bed then f*ck me and don't say no for an answer" - then it's not him, it's just you. As for the ex - well he would have been a crap husband and father, you made the right choice. I had sexy former partners I used to while away the boring spouse sex hours with too. Now, I don't think of them. Focus on building things with your husband, and the other distrations will go away. Good luck with your conversations with your H, and your resolve.
strongnrelaxed Posted October 11, 2012 Posted October 11, 2012 Ok, I'm looking for some help here. Wake up call, slap in the face, whatever you want to knock me out of this thought pattern. Lately I am obsessing over my ex. He was by far the best I ever had sexually. Very passionate, and into exploring in the bedroom. Toys, pictures, video, role-playing, etc. Honestly, that was what kept me in the relationship. I was soo into him sexually. Very dominant personality. However, in other aspects of life we fought like cats & dogs. I was always jealous of all of the attention he gave other women. Such a flirt. And he smoked, drank a lot, didn't help around the house and his controlling personality in the bedroom was also true in daily life, which wasn't ok with me. So my husband is everything he wasn't. Amazing father, husband, provider, helps with everything. Stable personality. Not dominant. We're equals. Doesn't smoke or drink. And we don't fight. However he's also a nerdy type, not outwardly sexy or super attractive, and pretty straight forward in the bedroom. I've brought up playing in the bedroom, but he's not really into it, it makes him uncomfortable and is so out of character. And to be honest, with him it feels so awkward and out of his personality I'd rather not go outside of the norm. It just feels weird to try and i don't see him in the same way as my ex. He's an all around wonderful person. But he is not the outwardly sexual and dominant man my ex was. So lately I am obsessively thinking of my ex. I think of him when I'm having sex with my H and then I feel guilty. I've checked him out on FB (there is NO CHANCE of anything happening between us). I see his lifestyle hasn't changed. He's married as well, but still posting flirty stuff to girls, and being overtly publicly sexual with his wife. And I find myself so jealous of what I know she has rather than seeing what I do have. I'm dwelling on what I'm missing and my thoughts have become distracting and obsessive. So how would you knock me out of this? I know I can get H to be a *little* more sexual, but he'll never be my ex. And I don't want him to be. I'm just in this phase where I have a much greater sex drive than he does and I miss what I had. I would love to hear what Chaucer has to say about THIS one! OP. You are just being a human being and this comment is not aimed at you. Women throughout these boards claim that you do not exist. That women are essentially good and do not feel the way you do. You might want to take that up with them. To answer your question, there is nothing that can be done about this. There is no magical formula. Our sexual connections are a part of us. This is why we are told over and over to be careful, to choose wisely, to not sleep around, to be chaste. I did not follow this advice and I have had to suffer with other related challenges in my relationship. So did my wife - and I honestly believe that we are both good and decent people. You are not wrong to feel this way. But you got married. You are bound to this man and you should stick with it. You should not cheat and you should not leave him. This was YOUR commitment. I wonder though, did you sort of nudge this guy to get married? Just a little teensy bit? Be honest.
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