Danb32 Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Hey everyone, This is getting me down lately. Everyone on here seems to point into go NC all the time, and although that's good for getting over someone, what should we do when we TRULY want to get our ex's back? I'm lost and don't know how. She left me after 2 years (left me a month ago) for what I believe was me being too needy and clingy. Option 1: (what I'm currently doing) I've changed who I am, and erased the insecurities about me. She occasionally texts me and asks me out places and I go. We have a laugh, I make her smile, I act confident, independent, I make decisions, be ambitious, outgoing, acting fine and showing how I'm doing new things, I act like I've read women admire. Do I keep doing this, seeing her, SHOW her I've changed, and then ask her about a relationship after she's seen I'm different? Option 2: Go NC. The thing is, surly if she can decide to leave me after two years and be fine, me telling her I'm out of her life wouldn't effect her all that much. If anything, show I don't even care. She's pretty, all she's gotta do is speak to another guy and he would be heads over heels about her. ME, that she choose to LEAVE, playing hard to get.... I don't see how that helps. If I go NC a month she would find some other guy, or maybe realise what single life is like and want it! Option 3: ??? I know ex's do get back together more than what's spoke of, and I also know this forum generally always talks doom and gloom, so I was just hoping for a positive hopeful thread, helping me and and others that should read it! Thankyou everyone
Svet74 Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 well, i think now that you have showed that you have changed. you should bring up the relationship and ask for a second chance. u never know until you ask right? Shes either gonna say yes or shes gonna say no. If she says no respect her decision and tell her that you will be letting her go, and for her to no longer contact you because you will be now moving forward, into the next chapter of your life. If she says yes? then you guys can work on whatever the issue was and start over. 1
bluefairy812 Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Hey everyone, This is getting me down lately. Everyone on here seems to point into go NC all the time, and although that's good for getting over someone, what should we do when we TRULY want to get our ex's back? I'm lost and don't know how. She left me after 2 years (left me a month ago) for what I believe was me being too needy and clingy. Option 1: (what I'm currently doing) I've changed who I am, and erased the insecurities about me. She occasionally texts me and asks me out places and I go. We have a laugh, I make her smile, I act confident, independent, I make decisions, be ambitious, outgoing, acting fine and showing how I'm doing new things, I act like I've read women admire. Do I keep doing this, seeing her, SHOW her I've changed, and then ask her about a relationship after she's seen I'm different? Option 2: Go NC. The thing is, surly if she can decide to leave me after two years and be fine, me telling her I'm out of her life wouldn't effect her all that much. If anything, show I don't even care. She's pretty, all she's gotta do is speak to another guy and he would be heads over heels about her. ME, that she choose to LEAVE, playing hard to get.... I don't see how that helps. If I go NC a month she would find some other guy, or maybe realise what single life is like and want it! Option 3: ??? I know ex's do get back together more than what's spoke of, and I also know this forum generally always talks doom and gloom, so I was just hoping for a positive hopeful thread, helping me and and others that should read it! Thankyou everyone honestly, real talk. relationships consist of 2 people sharing the same mutual feelings to be together. there is no in between. whatever the reasons you guys had to split up is because something is broken. either the two of you come to an agreement to work it out, or... if she needs space/is not sure/seeing another guy then you need to let it be. a relationship is 50/50 and the moment one person does not come to agreement with another is broken. i hate to say it, but it sounds like you need to do NC. love is love, and there shouldn't be anything gray about it. my ex told me he loved me and all this crap but just couldn't be with me bc he didnt see a future. but he still "loved" me. BS! i honestly hate my life right now without him, and if she is not ALREADY feeling hurt, sad, and wanting for you to be her boyfriend, then there is a problem. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 Ask her about the relationship and if she's ready to take you back. If she is, do it. If not, go NC. What do you don't want is to be the "friend" while she's dating others. As for no contact, I don't know why people feel the need to declare that they are going no contact. If you want to go no contact, then fade. Declaring it makes it look like it's some sort of game or a ploy IMO. 2
PlanB123 Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 hey mate, congrats for taking positive action to improve yourself. however, i don't believe you can REALLY change in just one month and i doubt she believes either. i think 6 months is a good window of time to make big and real changes. besides, she might not even want the new improved you anyways. she might just want something different. as for her being nice to you...she likely felt pity for you. like a little puppy shivering in the rain. she felt sorry for you because she knows how much she hurt you and can see you are really trying to show her you've changed. pity = complete opposite to attraction. damn, you are closer to getting her if she hates you rather than feel sorry for you. her mind is probably made up for now and its best you step away from her now before you start to see things you don't want to. think you gotta chalk this one up as a life lesson. ****ing tough i know. hurting a lot myself right now but have done 2 months nc. 2
Bahndrvr Posted October 9, 2012 Posted October 9, 2012 There are negative people on here, but people that have been through it. I've actually only seen a few taht i don't agree with. I was not blindsided by my woman needing a break, she said it from the beginning, seriously. But we fell in love fast and hard and had a whirlwind romance. Seriously no fights, a few times we had to comprimise but nothing too bad. i was doing the same as you it seems, she was coming and spending time due to the kids, she was inviting me to dinners, she would call me to come hang out. We slept together the last night I saw her, about 9 days ago but no sex, just hugs, a few kisses, cuddling and sleeping on each other all night, then we got up and she didn't want me to leave, kept trying to get me to stay. I left, then we went bck to very limited contact as she hinted that she was almost done with the break and stated how much she missed me, and us and how she was still very much in love with me but confused about some stuff you know. Anyway, after that wonderful day she referred to me as her Ex-boyfriend on Tuesday, I realized that is all I was, I'm not the guy she wants to marry right now. I'm the hassle of an ex-boyfriend while she is on this break. I started no contact on Tuesday, I contacted her today because of a surgery for her daughter, we kept it simple and we are back to no contact. Her daughter is fine, that's all I need to know. I have heard from her friends she is missing me, but she is also living and doing all the single things she wanted to do. So my only play that I have, if I want her back, is to make her miss me. The only way to do that is to not be there. It is a game, and it's a dangerous game, but out of the 7 days of no contact, i had one horrible day, one bad day and the rest I was busy. I can do this, problem is I don't want to do it without her, but I have to keep going and keep funcdtioning, so do you brother.
chrisusarmy2005 Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I feel the same way my ex and I were together for 4 yrs and she left me because of looks,makes no sense. We had a similar relationship we were always there for each other and I comforted her through everything. Sat with her through all of her surgeries. I really and truly want her back. It sucks being just the "friend" after what you once had. Im hoping we get back. I really wanted to propose to her. Its the worst feeling in the world and not fun. I would take her back in an instant. Im letting her do her thing because shes skinny now and shes reliving high school. Im just letting her do it and I can only hope that we get back together. I refuse to give up because she is worth it and she will always be the one I want.
blue_jay_bird Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 (edited) The more you "show her" you have changed. Change does not happen in a few months. AND it has to be self motivated. NOT motivated by getting someone back. WHY is this. Because once you get your ex back your old self will reappear. You can't change for other people. You have to change FOR YOURSELF. It has to come from within, and driven to better yourself FOR YOURSELF NOT FOR YOUR EX. Real change is hard, and self driven. The change you have experienced is superficial, and fluxing. It will and can disappear in times of stress, and with the passage of time. This FAKE CHANGE is transparent, and clear manipulation to get the ex back. It's just another unattractive ploy. I KNOW it looks like you are Changed, but your EX is not a idiot. What's it been a few months. It looks pathetic from her stand point. Imagine you dumped a girl, and he kept bragging about all his new accomplishments, that she's a changed woman. IT'S BEEN A FEW MONTHS. The EX dumped you for real issues he saw, not issues that can be fixed in a few months. Plus, the EX does not want to work through these issues with you, thats why they dumped you. THEY are wrong you can change. BUT they don't think you can, and don't care enough to talk about it and help you change. IT'S OVER for them. I know i should bitter in the END. But this BU is the best thing that has happen to you. Work on yourself, FOR YOURSELF. Edited October 10, 2012 by blue_jay_bird
geegirl Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 (edited) Option 1: (what I'm currently doing) I've changed who I am, and erased the insecurities about me. She occasionally texts me and asks me out places and I go. We have a laugh, I make her smile, I act confident, independent, I make decisions, be ambitious, outgoing, acting fine and showing how I'm doing new things, I act like I've read women admire. Do I keep doing this, seeing her, SHOW her I've changed, and then ask her about a relationship after she's seen I'm different? I won't comment on what you should do but will point out the fact that you are lying to yourself. You don't erase insecurities in a month. Change doesn't happen in a month. "I act confident, independent, I make decisions, be ambitious, outgoing, acting fine and showing how I'm doing new things, I act like I've read women admire." You act infront of her. There is no change. Edited October 10, 2012 by geegirl 2
Mr Reptile Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 The more you "show her" you have changed. Change does not happen in a few months. AND it has to be self motivated. NOT motivated by getting someone back. WHY is this. Because once you get your ex back your old self will reappear. You can't change for other people. You have to change FOR YOURSELF. It has to come from within, and driven to better yourself FOR YOURSELF NOT FOR YOUR EX. Real change is hard, and self driven. The change you have experienced is superficial, and fluxing. It will and can disappear in times of stress, and with the passage of time. This FAKE CHANGE is transparent, and clear manipulation to get the ex back. It's just another unattractive ploy. I KNOW it looks like you are Changed, but your EX is not a idiot. What's it been a few months. It looks pathetic from her stand point. Imagine you dumped a girl, and he kept bragging about all his new accomplishments, that she's a changed woman. IT'S BEEN A FEW MONTHS. The EX dumped you for real issues he saw, not issues that can be fixed in a few months. Plus, the EX does not want to work through these issues with you, thats why they dumped you. THEY are wrong you can change. BUT they don't think you can, and don't care enough to talk about it and help you change. IT'S OVER for them. I know i should bitter in the END. But this BU is the best thing that has happen to you. Work on yourself, FOR YOURSELF. You can change in a few months. Not weeks, but months is possible. But if you TELL your ex you've changed, then they won't believe you, action speaks louder. A friend of mine dumped his ex because she got lazy, only complained and got fat. During the first months of the BU she told him she lost weight, and he was like "yeah right" and looked at a new pic of her on facebook, he just laughed. Don't ever tell your ex how much you've changed, SHOW IT.
flitzanu Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 If I go NC a month she would find some other guy, or maybe realise what single life is like and want it! you know you exist outside of her direct line of vision right? she's well aware you exist, and how to be in contact with you. leaving her alone is not going to be the reason she admits she's interested in other guys, so sticking around isn't going to do a bit of good for you. 2
KatZee Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 you know you exist outside of her direct line of vision right? she's well aware you exist, and how to be in contact with you. leaving her alone is not going to be the reason she admits she's interested in other guys, so sticking around isn't going to do a bit of good for you. Yup. OP actually sticking around and being her little "emotional tampon" as others here like to call it, you're actually enabling her TO find someone else. She didn't like how you were, she called off the relationship, and she gets the best of all worlds. She can be single to find someone she's more compatible with WHILE at the same time having you there as the "good buddy." You sticking around is actually hurting you, not helping you. Those 0.1% of people that get their ex back only do so when they go NC, and really start moving on with their life. 1
LostOne1 Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Yup. OP actually sticking around and being her little "emotional tampon" as others here like to call it, you're actually enabling her TO find someone else. She didn't like how you were, she called off the relationship, and she gets the best of all worlds. She can be single to find someone she's more compatible with WHILE at the same time having you there as the "good buddy." You sticking around is actually hurting you, not helping you. Those 0.1% of people that get their ex back only do so when they go NC, and really start moving on with their life. I only agree with that to an extent... I realized some relationships NC is terrible. Why? because both sides don't want to budge. So both partners sit there or move on thinking it was the others fault or the other person should make the first move, But no one does cause they expect the other will LOL. It's a circle going on forever... I think it's good to talk to someone and break NC at some point to see what the situation is and if it's changed for the better. If not.. then you know, you tried and you push on. Nothing to be ashamed of for trying. At least when you look back you can say you gave it all you had and tried and things didn't work in the persons favor at that time.
Calico Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 I only agree with that to an extent... I realized some relationships NC is terrible. Why? because both sides don't want to budge. So both partners sit there or move on thinking it was the others fault or the other person should make the first move, But no one does cause they expect the other will LOL. It's a circle going on forever... And if you have just this one bottle of wine, it'll be much easier to go through the alcohol withdrawal. If you use NC after everything has been tried and said, there is no gain in breaking it to say more. What you wrote is the #1 "logical sounding reason offered by the addicted brain" that causes them to break NC and then get hurt again and again and again. And in the 0.1% cases where that is actually true, well, then it would still mean that the couple has major communication issue and would just break up again soon. This is also an improper application of NC: NC is for you to move on and heal, it's not a clever move to get your ex back. 4
esteem-jam Posted October 10, 2012 Posted October 10, 2012 Yeah I agree with geegirl, change doesnt happen in a month. From other point of view: you changed into this confident man, supposedly. If we take change does happen in a month, then, what if she changed also? What if now she likes insecure, sissy boy-men? Damn, you missed! So what, change back into something else? Or other view: you are this confident man, many people acknowledge you, many say you cool. So you want her, but she denies you. What then? Pressure more and more? She still doesnt want. When is enough, where is the border? She doesnt want this most confident man on the continent? When do you stop the pressure?
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