Emotional Support To Significant Other...and Other Stuff Kinda....

[Almond_Joy]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm almost at the year mark with my BF. He recently pushed for a huge salary adjustment because he gets paid nowhere near industry average for what he does. The company gave him a smidgen above a standard annual raise in response.

 

He's frustrated and honestly...I don't know what to say to him, what to offer to do. I feel like he shot for the moon and landed in the stars - considering the economy I would've expected them not to give any type of increase so I thought he came out pretty well.

 

 

But with his perspective on finances - standard of living increases and financial stability goals and whatnot - he doesn't seem to want to see this as something positive at all. I'm all about silver lining even in the worst of situations....so what do I say to him? I'm not good at saying things I don't believe in.

 

This is where the "other stuff" comes in. He was explaining his financial goals, and what he perceives as financial stability, and I realized we're in significantly different places in this arena. I'm in survival mode - I'm thinking 1 - 2 year stability. He's worried about being debt free and owning a house, starting retirement savings right now.

 

...I've got six-figure school loan debt, I just got laid off from my job a couple weeks ago, have NEVER made enough money to even consider savings....if I wasn't in school I wouldn't even be able to make my loan payments on the income I had. I'm basically in survival mode, I have been most of my life because that's the best I've been able to do up to now.

 

He's used to having money and financial security, so his perception of stable and mine are pretty different. This isn't a dealbreaker....I've just felt this disconnect ever since I had this realization. I don't know how or when I'll get to a point where our financial situations will align, and because they're misaligned now I really don't know what type of conciliatory things to say or do for him right now.

 

I want to be supportive, but my perspective on finances are just not where his are at. Should I just be quiet about it? Nothing I say will help him feel better about his financial position.

 

Just looking for opinions from anyone else who may have been in this situation. Thanks for reading and look forward to hearing any responses.

[Imajerk17]

Does he feel disrespected/not valued enough by his employer? You might be able to support him there in that regard.

 

Meanwhile, methinks your boyfriend needs to learn empathy. I wouldn't gripe about my financial situation being what I want it to be with someone who was in a tougher position in that regard. Especially if that person were my girlfriend.

 

RE your last thread: I agree 100% with your boyfriend on that. No male roommates, period. Even if it means you have to move home with your mom. You wouldn't let a strange man into your place, why would you let another guy you don't know live with you? Find another arrangement.

Edited October 9, 2012 by Imajerk17

[Almond_Joy]

Does he feel disrespected/not valued enough by his employer? You might be able to support him there in that regard.

 

Meanwhile, methinks your boyfriend needs to learn empathy. I wouldn't gripe about my financial situation being what I want it to be with someone who was in a tougher position in that regard. Especially if that person were my girlfriend.

 

RE your last thread: I agree 100% with your boyfriend on that. No male roommates, period. Even if it means you have to move home with your mom. You wouldn't let a strange man into your place, why would you let another guy you don't know live with you? Find another arrangement.

 

 

....Never would've considered that he was being insensitive. His concerns aren't invalid....they just don't align with mine. But it does irk me that he's griping about not getting a big enough raise while I'm unemployed - at least he has income -____-.

 

He's getting praise from his supervisor and the department manager....but neither of them had final say on how much his increase would be. That was left in the hands of executive management. They're obviously pleased with his work because they gave him a raise.....but don't feel his contribution worthy of a reasonable wage, apparently. Discouraging, but not surprising unfortunately.

 

I think the worst of it is over - he did contact me and tell me he's angry. Offering consolation ended up not being as awkward or difficult as I thought.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

 

Re: My last thread. The guy ended up finding another place while I was waiting to hear back from another female candidate. The female caniddate checked out and will be moving in in a couple weeks. Argument averted .

Edited October 10, 2012 by Almond_Joy