Ex Contacted Me After 3 Months

[Not a player]

A long story... Here goes...

 

Last year I had an affair with a much younger woman. She has a partner too and a little boy and so do I. I had been faithful for 16 years until I met her and tbh she chased me and chased me. But after I had been with her a couple of times she seemed to lose interest.

 

It stopped round about this time last year. She said she got caught so we had to stop. I said we couldn't be friends and went into No Contact, with limited success at first. But I got there. Thinking back, I think it was probably the challenge and wanting what you cannot have and I am not 100% sure she got caught, maybe she just lost interest.

 

After 6 months I contacted her and we met up again and basically picked up where we left off. But this time it felt more serious and we were talking about making things official and getting together properly.

 

But she had a vacation booked with her partner, little boy and some friends. We were together about a week before she was due to go and again she seemed to lose interest so I said it was over so that she could go on her break with a clear conscience. I wrote to her before she left to explain why and how I felt and that we should discuss things when she got back, to agree to leave it, try and be friends or whatever.

 

After she had been back about 3 days I hadn't heard from her so I sent her a message saying I wouldn't be back in touch and wished her all the best. There was no reply. By freaky coincidence I bumped into her 2 weeks later (totally weird and chances were millions to one) so I just said hello, how are you, nice seeing you and left. The next day I got a text telling me she was engaged and was going to be faithful but she missed me so much, how it was really hard for her etc. I just said we were both doing the right thing for our boys and left it at that.

 

So 3 months later I get an e-mail on the anniversary of a very special day we had together. She said she hoped I was well and letting me know she is studying at college beside my work. I replied and said it was nice hearing from her, hope her studies went well and that I had been thinking about her earlier because I knew it was a year to the day when we had our very special day.

 

A reply came back and I thought I can't be bothered with games so I said I knew it wasn't a coincidence that she contacted me on that date and she didn't contact me just to tell me that she was at college. She replied and said she thought I was spot on so I said she could text me if she wanted and said I had deleted her number and gave her mine. She sent a message back saying she still had my number and she would text me.

 

I got texts 2 days 1 week and 1 week the next. I just replied - never initiating and just being casual and jokey. I then got a text asking me to meet her 'for a chat' but I was really busy at work so I had to politely and apologetically decline.

 

But, as I said, I don't want to play games so I sent her an e-mail saying she should let me know what she is thinking. No reply for like 4 days. It felt like she was going cold again so I wrote to her and asked her to delete my number and not contact me again.

 

Here is where it went wrong... I do still have feelings for her so I then wrote to her and asked her to tell me what she was thinking as she owed me that. I was trying to get closure. I told her I still had feelings for her too.

 

Reply came back saying she would delete my number but she wasn't sure that was what she wanted. She also thanked me so so much for all the brilliant times we spent together, said I was an amazing guy, one in a million and that she would remember the times we spent together for the rest of her life. She said I made/make her happier than anyone else. Her closing line was 'we may meet again but for now goodbye'.

 

Then I did something I feel very weak about. I wrote back and said I knew exactly why she was back in touch, how she missed the excitement, passion, laughs, fun and how I knew that having a ring on your finger doesn't change the way you feel. This was preceded by a pretty graphic description of what happened the last time I saw her because she used to always love it when I showed my passionate side. I left it saying 'when you are ready to admit to yourself what you want, you can get back in touch'.

 

That was 2 weeks ago and I am not really expecting a reply but I wanted to leave the door open for her a bit.

 

So here is what I cannot get my head round:

 

I told her before I don't want to be a friend so she knows that is not an option

She obviously wanted to see me and was telling me about her new haircut and I think she wanted to show me what I was missing

I think she is confused (so am I!!!) but she likes to chase I think. But making her chase me is playing games so I thought I would lay it on the line

 

Tbh I feel like I have pushed her away for good and I feel bad because I thought she was back in touch for a reason. And I think I know the reason.

 

So now I feel weak, vulnerable and frankly pretty pathetic.

 

Please tell me - wtf is going on here?

 

Thank you.

[PlanB123]

Hang on a second...YOU have a partner lol

 

you are asking for advice about how to keep cheating?

 

your partner got one mention at the beginning of your long post. poor lady.

[Not a player]

Yeah, sorry I am not perfect. I have been with my partner faithfully for 16 years but for the past 10 there has been no spark at all. It happens you know.

 

And I met someone who makes me feel happy in a way I have never known.

 

Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry I didn't meet your high moral standards. I am new on here just looking for some advice, not to be judged - I have done enough of that myself.

 

And btw, my partner admitted to kissing at least 8 guys and having a sexual encounter (not full sex she claims) since we have been together. The most recent time was at her Christmas night out.

 

If you are on here to judge or condemn people like me who are confused and looking for some advice, I think you are on the wrong place. Or maybe I am.

[Coyoteloco]

sorry dude you are in the wrong place. Your relationship seems ****ed up and it seems you guys lie alot, maybe that put an end to the spark? You should get the fuuu out of this forum and the fuu out of both relationships, maybe stay with the new girl if she leaves the other dude. But staying with the 16 year one doesnt seems right to me if you been lieing to her and shes been lieng too you, it makes me sick. Sorry not trying to judge but just that me and the way i see things.

[Calico]

Yeah, sorry I am not perfect. I have been with my partner faithfully for 16 years but for the past 10 there has been no spark at all. It happens you know.

 

No, cheating on your partner does not "happen". You MADE that happen, you CHOSE that. You didn't just wake up next to a much younger woman while your wife had no idea where you really were. You are your own person and you can decide what you do, but at least take the responsibility for your deliberate decisions and don't play the victim here. Diseases "happen". Cheating is a choice, one you made in complete disregard and disrespect of your partner.

 

And I met someone who makes me feel happy in a way I have never known.

 

That is irrelevant. If that happens, you end your previous relationship before you crawl under the blanket with another woman.

 

If you are on here to judge or condemn people like me who are confused and looking for some advice, I think you are on the wrong place. Or maybe I am.

 

Quit playing the victim. You are not confused, you are just a coward who wants the cake and eat it too. If you want to stop being "confused", then you have two choices:

 

- Clean up your act and work up some courage. End your relationship and then evaluate the situation.

 

- Or decide that you want to stay in your relationship and then keep your dick in your pants.

 

Those are the two choices you have.

[NavyAirTraffic]

No, cheating on your partner does not "happen". You MADE that happen, you CHOSE that. You didn't just wake up next to a much younger woman while your wife had no idea where you really were. You are your own person and you can decide what you do, but at least take the responsibility for your deliberate decisions and don't play the victim here. Diseases "happen". Cheating is a choice, one you made in complete disregard and disrespect of your partner.

 

 

 

That is irrelevant. If that happens, you end your previous relationship before you crawl under the blanket with another woman.

 

 

 

Quit playing the victim. You are not confused, you are just a coward who wants the cake and eat it too. If you want to stop being "confused", then you have two choices:

 

- Clean up your act and work up some courage. End your relationship and then evaluate the situation.

 

- Or decide that you want to stay in your relationship and then keep your dick in your pants.

 

Those are the two choices you have.

 

I wish I could like it twice, instead I'll have it posted twice!!!

[Sav]

There's a cheating section here on LS, it seems to be the one for your thread

[Not a player]

Yeah, my life is fu***** up! But I didn't need anyone to point that out, I kinda know that already. But thanks anyway. Lol.

 

Truth is I decided to try and make things work with my partner and I was moving on pretty good but the woman I had the affair with getting back in touch threw me back - hence the confusion on my part because there are still feelings there. But I guess everyone on here must be the 60% (statistically 40% of people ADMIT to cheating) of people that have never cheated.

 

And yes, I am a coward but I love my boy so much and I don't want to hurt him by breaking up my family. So I will stay in a relationship with no spark because of him, as I have done for the past 6 years. That is true love in my book and tbh I know deep down that is the only choice I have.

 

As for those that want to judge me, you are obviously entitled to your opinions but I am only human and mixed up and the last thing I needed was more criticism. So all I can say is fu** you for sticking the boot in. You never know, one day you or your partner might cheat and then you might have an understanding of what this is all about. It is pure unadulterated hell. And yes I made it that way for some short-term pleasure. And it was wrong and I went through hell when it sank in what I was doing.

 

And yup, I am defo on the wrong site. Am away now to look for 'confusedfu*****.com' Lmao.

 

FU all!!!!!!!

[curiouslyhuman]

Yeah, my life is fu***** up! But I didn't need anyone to point that out, I kinda know that already. But thanks anyway. Lol.

 

Truth is I decided to try and make things work with my partner and I was moving on pretty good but the woman I had the affair with getting back in touch threw me back - hence the confusion on my part because there are still feelings there. But I guess everyone on here must be the 60% (statistically 40% of people ADMIT to cheating) of people that have never cheated.

 

And yes, I am a coward but I love my boy so much and I don't want to hurt him by breaking up my family. So I will stay in a relationship with no spark because of him, as I have done for the past 6 years. That is true love in my book and tbh I know deep down that is the only choice I have.

 

As for those that want to judge me, you are obviously entitled to your opinions but I am only human and mixed up and the last thing I needed was more criticism. So all I can say is fu** you for sticking the boot in. You never know, one day you or your partner might cheat and then you might have an understanding of what this is all about. It is pure unadulterated hell. And yes I made it that way for some short-term pleasure. And it was wrong and I went through hell when it sank in what I was doing.

 

And yup, I am defo on the wrong site. Am away now to look for 'confusedfu*****.com' Lmao.

 

FU all!!!!!!!

 

saddens me that you are a parent.

[Million.to.1]

"Not a Player" Bhahahahahahahahahahahaha!

 

Most Hypercritical username I have ever seen. Ever. EVER!

[TaraMaiden]

Truth is I decided to try and make things work with my partner and I was moving on pretty good but the woman I had the affair with getting back in touch threw me back - hence the confusion on my part because there are still feelings there. But I guess everyone on here must be the 60% (statistically 40% of people ADMIT to cheating) of people that have never cheated.

It's very simple. Her contacting you may throw you, but if you're trying to make things work with your partner, then it's merely a distraction, and the thing to do with a distraction - is to ignore it.

 

And yes, I am a coward but I love my boy so much and I don't want to hurt him by breaking up my family.

Pain, confusion and deceit already exists. This teaches him about relationships. Children notice and absorb more than we think. The old adage "Better two separated happy parents than two miserable ones who stay together".

 

So I will stay in a relationship with no spark because of him, as I have done for the past 6 years. That is true love in my book and tbh I know deep down that is the only choice I have.

no, it's not the only choice you have, but it's the option you're choosing to take. You DO have other options, but this seems to be the easiest and most convenient, which is why you're making it.

And staying for your boy is not a good reason to stay. if things don't work out, you'll resent the sacrifice you made, and you'll have made 2 people make an effort in vain, when both could have been moving on. Just because you stop a relationship, you don't stop being a parent....

 

As for those that want to judge me, you are obviously entitled to your opinions but I am only human and mixed up and the last thing I needed was more criticism. So all I can say is fu** you for sticking the boot in. You never know, one day you or your partner might cheat and then you might have an understanding of what this is all about.

Actually, most of the people here have been in that situation already, which is what gives them the "authority" to respond the way they have. This is a relationships forum - you're inevitably going to get flak - people is people, and people have feelings, emotions and opinions.

 

It is pure unadulterated hell. And yes I made it that way for some short-term pleasure. And it was wrong and I went through hell when it sank in what I was doing.

So now you're faced with a decision. And you have to separate what your heart is telling you, from what your head is telling you. because the heart will invariably be wrong, but the head, correct....

 

And yup, I am defo on the wrong site. Am away now to look for 'confusedfu*****.com' Lmao.

 

FU all!!!!!!!

 

Oh stop it, and get over yourself. take it on the chin and move on. You're not the first, and you won't be the last, get over it.

Ignore what doesn't sit well with you, and take on board what does....

 

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Edited October 10, 2012 by TaraMaiden

[TopCat22]

Exactly what sort of advice were you hoping to get here? If you're unhappy in your marriage then have the courage to end it, don't use your child as an excuse. All you have done is make 4 people unhappy: you, your wife, your lover and your son. What outcome are you hoping for here? That you can keep up the sham marriage and present it as a lie to your son to make him feel better about his family, whilst you conduct an affair with the woman you truly love on the side. Do you think he will never find out?

 

You're defensive about all of this because you know what the right thing to do is but you don't have the guts to do it. I don't think anyone here has lofty moral standards, they are just regular decent human beings. Why not give it a try yourself you may find it makes a lot of people much happier in the long run...

[Calico]

And yes, I am a coward but I love my boy so much and I don't want to hurt him by breaking up my family.

 

You don't love him enough to keep your dick in your pants. Kids pick up on stuff like that. This is just another strawman argument. Is that how you deal with your shame and guilt? No one says you shouldn't be happy or that there is something wrong with loving your son. None of this has anything to do with cheating, and the flak you take is for the latter. Has no one ever taught you that life is about choices and that sometimes you can't have everything?

 

FU all!!!!!!!

 

What's wrong with society is that you need a license for driving, but not for parenting and raising children.

 

You're not 16 anymore. Start acting the part.

[Not a player]

TaraMaiden, just wanted to say thankyou for your very good advice. You're right, it was a distraction and a temporary setback and I will put it behind me and move on. That was the kind of advice I needed and hoped for, thank you.

 

My kid is the most important thing in my life and he knows I love him more than anything because I tell him and I show him everyday. I admit I am a bad guy for cheating but nobody has the right to say I am a bad parent unless they know me. So, yes, feel free to condemn me and hate me for being a cheater but leave it at that.

 

A year ago I would have had the same opinion as most other people on here. I know guys that have been cheating all their lives and I abhorred it. I was proud of never having strayed in 16 years. But some stuff happened last year that I cannot really explain or defend. All I can say is - yes, I am not perfect but I am trying to do the right thing. But I sometimes don't know what that is.

 

And I am defensive because I became the type of guy I always detested and I hate myself for being so weak. But I am trying hard to improve but it's hard a lot of the time, you know. So the last thing I need is other people judging me and hating me too, especially when they don't know me.

 

But it's a free World and I deserve to be punished, I have certainly punished myself.